When you are single and sixty something it seems inevitable that some people will feel sorry for you.
I think it more often than not happens to women on their own in hotel restaurants but I’ve had my fair share of “ Are you alright? Are you looking after yourself properly?” Moments over the years!
My elder sister Ann has me over for supper once a week now, and I’m grateful for this gesture of good food and company.
Having a meal made for you, when you are used to cook your own meals is a treat, I can tell you. Why do you think I love going out for brunch and lunch with friends, the treat is palpable !
I work with a lovely support worker called Diane, she is single and my age, and every time we work together she will surprise me with “spare chicken salad” in the staff fridge or a comment “ I’ve brought some good coffee in”
She spoils me and I’m grateful for it.
She doesn’t feel sorry for me….well perhaps she does just a little, but I don’t want to think about that
A villager texted me yesterday saying that they were looking out for me at the funeral.
Another kindness certainly .
When I’m out alone, I still take with me my armour
My phone, an iPad, a book or all three,
They protect me from being felt sorry for
I hate the thought of it
I see your book, phone, and iPad as proof you're comfortable in your own company but folks who know you are welcome to interrupt your solitude. All very healthy and positive.
ReplyDeleteHugs!
and maybe take Diane something tasty every so often!
DeleteMore hugs!
Good point x
DeleteI'm thinking Diane gets pleasure from making things to share, as I believe you do, John.
DeleteJohn, this so beautiful. Many people seem to look out for you.thats a gift.
ReplyDeleteSending love, hugs and sunshine. Carol in Atlanta
Xxx❤️🙏
DeleteRelax and stop overthinking things!
ReplyDeleteWhen I'm out on my own for coffee or lunch I always have a book with me - not as "armour" but purely because I love reading so much!
No it’s armour
DeleteYou are such a gregarious man. I do not think that being on your own is your most comfortable arrangement. You seem to need the oxygen and stimulation that the presence of others will usually bring. Now if you were like Clint Eastwood in "Pale Rider" it might be different.
ReplyDeleteI don’t look good in a poncho
DeleteDoes anyone? Apart from Mr. Eastwood of course! xx
DeleteNana mascouri
DeletePoncho Villa - the Mexican revolutionary who supported Aston Villa.
DeleteThose little shared moments show you are loved and cared for, and that you love and care in return. That's what matters, not that you sit in a cafe alone. But if your "armour" helps you feel more comfortable, great! xx
ReplyDeleteI get that…this post celebrates the fact
DeleteI think your friend at work just likes cooking and taking care of other people. I love providing others with baking because I can't eat it all but I still enjoy making it.
ReplyDeleteI'm torn between enjoying being alone, and feeling lonely sometimes.
That’s why I accept her care, because she genuiningly likes me
DeleteI've never met any nurse who doesn't prefer to be in company, to have life around them. Understandably. Me, I think I put up an invisible shield, and it suits me fine.
ReplyDeleteIf it works and it’s healthy , use it
DeleteIn the last six months, I've suddenly started being addressed as "Dear" in the shops. It was strange the first time offered me her seat on the train. Turns out I reminded her of her abuela!
ReplyDeleteI’ll punch the person who calls me dear
DeleteYes, dearie.
Delete[said from the protection of the servers]
Will Jay
I knew I looked old when a shopping trolley hit a hole and I began to fall. Instead of laughing, people rushed to help me.
DeleteHaving traveled alone - a lot when I was working - the one thing I hated was eating dinner alone.
ReplyDeleteUnderstood but it’s getting easier
DeleteHeading out for lunch alone with my book and phone.
ReplyDeleteGood for u x
DeleteDocks last Saturday early evening , I sat at the bar on my own , of course I looked toxic after 4 martinis , but I was reading your blog on my laptop so fuck the judges
ReplyDeleteLee
You old star….fanny Brice
DeleteHer mother was a Hungarian Jew as my mother was
DeleteLee
Really?
DeleteGet over yourself Lee, nobody gives a shit about you or how you look. Theyre all busy getting on with their own wonderful lives.
DeleteNice to have friends (and family) who care about you. I had an old friend who “felt sorry” for anyone who didn’t have what she had. I hated that phrase. every time she used it, which was often. She hasn’t been a friend for a long time.
ReplyDeleteYou re right x
DeleteI wouldnt feel sorry for you, but then I read your blog and see how you're living the good life. -Kate
ReplyDeleteI think you might be underestimating yourself.
ReplyDeleteI notice, some people like to express sorrow for others to enrich themselves.
Take it with a grain of salt. If you embrace these thoughts, you will definitely feel lesser. Do not let this happen!
I'm 67 and often alone. I don't think anyone feels sorry for me and I wouldn't want them to do so. I read a book or read the news on my phone when I'm alone in a restaurant.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Janie
People who know you love you and care for you. Why is this a problem? These are warm caring gestures that show they value you. They don't feel sorry for you, they love you. Be grateful. [How I d love to have a family to have dinner with each week, month, year.] The rest of the world, the strangers, probably don't notice you as a singleton--or at all--- or care. If they're judgmental, that's their problem, not yours. Maybe a gratitudes journal would be useful. Tho I know you're feeling sad bec you were remembering the ex, so--''better days ahead." love from cold foggy NY, from lizzy x
ReplyDeleteWhen I'm out dog-walking, I've noticed that the one's who want to chat the most are 'single women and men'. I imagine that many of them don't speak to anyone else all day. Some, I'm sure, even time their walks in order to have a five minute chat, and I'm always happy to do so.
ReplyDeleteYou really do have wonderful family and friends. Kindness is everywhere.
ReplyDeleteI understand the "armour" when alone eating in a restaurant or pub and would try to avoid the situation when I can as it can feel like hard work sometimes. Even going for a walk in the park on a sunny day reminds me constantly that I am a lone walker among family groups. Maybe I need a dog :)
There are people who love you. And love you so much, but know you so well, they don't have to put that in words. Doesn't every person out on their own carry and wear their armour? Something to look at rather than peering at the family across the way, something to do with your hands. BUT there is a difference between being anti social and self care. The fact that you remain approachable and people will still talk to and empathise with you regardless says a lot. And there are people who don't know you, but need to speak to someone kind, who see this in you and chat anyway. There are too many lonely people out there who could spend a whole day/week/month without talking to anyone, not even the postman. Unless they went out (early afternoon is a good time to see the lonely ones) nd made contact, however tenuous. God bless anyone prepared to chat and break down another's solitude.
ReplyDeleteWhen a far away friend’s husband died she forced herself to talk to someone every day. Some days it was at the grocery checkout. It kept her from feeling totally isolated.
Deleteweavinfool
I have read that some people need to book a restaurant table “for 2” because the restaurant wants to make the most money from each table, so refuses bookings for one! How awful! If I’m on my own, I often read from my iPad or phone because I don’t want people to think I’m paying them undue attention by checking out the room. And cooking for oneself 365 would drive me nuts, so I’m glad your sister has you over… an extra serving doesn’t make a huge difference to the workload, but it does to the recipient!
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't have to be just that you feel sorry for someone. It can be a genuinely humane gesture, just passing the time of day. As to cooking for people,it is a good thing to do,it certainly is nice to be cooked for. Your work colleague is lovely and maybe she gets as much from sharing as you do in receiving. Caring is Sharing.
ReplyDeleteIt is nice that your sister invites you over once a week. I wish my sister and I lived in the same place as there are times when I miss her a lot. In a way we are very similar and we understand each other. Whenever you talk about your village, I envision such a wonderful place filled with supportive and caring people. Take care.
ReplyDeleteFunny. It's never even occurred to me that anyone would feel sorry for me when I'm alone, as I am fairly frequently. I love it but I realize that part of the reason I do is that I know that I will have company again soon enough.
ReplyDeleteI was kept apart from friends and family by my first husband and didn’t realize it at the time. I am alone 99 percent of the time now and it doesn’t bother me anymore. I don’t eat out as I have a dog who has separation anxiety so I only pick up food occasionally and eat it at home. Dog is alright if I am gone for an hour or two but after that my neighbours say she starts to howl. Today my daughter and maybe my grandson are coming to see me. I have not seen either of them for months. He has been travelling and she works from home and it is not near me. I know that after they leave I will get a big let down feeling knowing I won’t see them again for awhile. Back to just me and the dog. I have become comfortable with it. I am so grateful for being able to text them every day. You just keep taking your book and phone, whatever works for you. Hugs Gigi
ReplyDeleteYou are such a busy active person, John. I can't imagine anyone feeling sorry for you. You've surrounded yourself with lots of friends, family, coworkers, neighbors. It's a good life!
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about your "armor." I used to always take my journal any time I went out for coffee, so I could write and have something to do. Now that I blog the handwritten journal is no more, but I still bring a magazine!
ReplyDeleteSpot on! I find it amusing that people I meet definitely have a "poor you" vibe when learning that I live alone. But I have been married; cohabitated; and had a 12 year relationship with a guy while each of us owned and lived in our own home. Despite those 30-40 years of trying to manage various ways of living as part of a couple, I have now been happily single for 20 years and have never been happier or calmer. Am I ever lonely? Sure. But not lonely enough to contemplate trying again - I love the calm too much.
ReplyDeleteNina
It's tough when you have to fend off invites from people all worried about you being alone on holidays. I used to have long awkward conversations trying to get them to just leave me alone--it did not compute for them that that's my preference. I found that saying I have family plans works; it's not a lie, because I am my family, and it lets them off the hook from whatever weird obligation they feel to pressure me to do something I do not want to do.
ReplyDeleteTo me, loneliness, and being perceived with pity, are two separate things. In my experience we all get terribly lonely and sometimes the loneliest feelings come when we are partnered with the wrong person.
ReplyDeleteI have never seen you as someone to be pitied. You have a strong, fun personality. My bet is that many envy you and how you live. Out in public there are always those souls who feel better by subtly implying that their life is so much better than ours. Those are probably the people who are suffering the most. But you know all of this.
I'm sending a rabbit to bring you a huge Easter hug.
XO
I trust you equally *spoil* the people who obviously care about you very much. They, I'm sure, are as appreciative as you are to receive those kindnesses.
ReplyDeleteSusan M/ Calif
it angers me that society still values people if they are in a relationship. Single people are judged as if this is 'their fault' or even something 'bad'. Boo.
ReplyDelete