On Valentine’s Day, the mental health charity “ Calm” shared some important research.
In it, they found that nearly half of men never say “ I love You” to a friend.
The research,co funded by a brewery company, didn’t make it clear that they were talking about male/male relationships exclusively ( I suspect men find it easier to tell a female friend that they love them, and visa versa) but I liked the initiative championed in The Guardian last week, to tell a friend that you love them.❤️
I’ve been reflecting on my own ability to tell my own male friends that I love them, and tonight, as I was quietly sitting with a patient in the wee small hours, I listed my closest male friends and tried to remember if I had shared this simple but vital piece of information with them
Mike, Colin, John H, Nigel, Ben, Marcus, Jim,Mick
Four I had shared my feelings for, sometimes after a drink mind you and four I hadn’t.
But this simple exercise got me to thinking of my female friends , and family, and people who I may not love per se, but whom I think of fondly and with affection.
How many people do we properly share our feelings with?
Answers on a postcard please
I tell my close and favorite family members who keep in touch with their old great aunt. Recently a very special friend to me for years became seriously ill… I told him after many conversations during the crisis as I wanted him to know in case he did not make it. I would know the last thing I told him was that he was loved.
ReplyDeleteI think that was a lovely thoughtful thing to say
DeleteGrowing up, my mother never once said to me, "I love you" Hard to know why...she was a child of the depression, World War II, hard times, repressed feelings, and perhaps an example of her generation? When she turned 80ish, out of the blue, she told me I was always very much loved. It meant everything. It's never too late. X
ReplyDeleteMy mother never uttered those words
DeleteI come from a very reserved family, certainly my parents never said they loved me/ us kids[and perhaps did not?]. I tell my children and my dog I love them, and long ago I'd tell my now-ex-husband I loved him---he'd say 'so what? who cares, what have you done for me lately?'
ReplyDeleteHow do your friends react to the revelation--pleased or baffled? You're such a warm person.
I’ve told friends that they are loved when dealing with adversity , perhaps that feels safer than just saying it
DeleteMy parents might have told me once in my life that they loved me but I've never questioned it.
ReplyDeleteI dont think I've ever told a friend I love them but I believe I show up for them when it counts
Yes, I get this but words matter don’t they?
DeleteWords matter and maybe I'm avoiding the point but I genuinely measure a person's love for me by the way they behave.
DeleteNot that it has to be one or the other.
My wife often asks "Do you love me?", to which I always give the typical male reply "Of course I do!". I suspect this is as far as most men go. Of course I do love her dearly.
ReplyDeleteOf course I do probably feels safe
DeleteI would never tell a friend I loved them. I loved Ray, and I very much regret not telling him more often. I do tell my tenants Phyllis and Kosov that I love them, and I do, kind of like children, but I don't have authority over what they do.
ReplyDeletePerhaps the older we get the easier it gets? Who knows
DeleteMy husband and I say I love you several times a day. I tell my children I love them. I'm not sure I'd feel comfortable telling a friend that I love them, though. I might phrase it more along the lines of appreciation. xx
ReplyDeleteDo you say it on parting?
DeleteI feel uncomfortable saying those words out loud, except to my sister.
ReplyDeleteI understand that
DeleteThose people you show your love to, by sharing the good and bad times, words can be forgotten actions stay with you.
ReplyDeleteyes.
DeleteThe research says differently
DeleteI don't recall if you've ever actually said those words to me but I do know you mean them and have shown it in so many ways over the years - Bel Ami
ReplyDeleteI’ve said it xx
DeleteAn interesting post John. I didn’t have a childhood where it was said as such, you were expected to just know by actions I suppose. It wasn’t a very demonstrative upbringing. As an adult I.. struggle with saying the words to friends, it makes me feel anxious and I tend to overthink it. I am working on it though and my friends are aware that just because I say it rarely, doesn’t mean I don’t love and value them - I’m just a bit awkward. With family that was harder, I was a teenager when I hugged my mum for the first time since I was very young, now we hug all the time and always sign off texts with a love you. My siblings, we have an odd relationship of tolerating each other and at a surface level we are friendly but I couldn’t confidently say we loved each other. My wife and children I say it frequently and easily, they are the ones I’ve never once had an issue with saying it or with showing physical affection which is how it should be I think.
ReplyDeleteInteresting reply , shame you didn’t give your name
DeleteHere’s my postcard: I regularly tell every one of my loved friends, male and female, that I love them. Never heard or said in my earlier life.
ReplyDeleteOh you are a star my friend x
DeleteI would never tell any male friends that I love them. Like, respect, feel a special bond with... but never love. To me, love is something more special than mere friendship.
ReplyDeleteI find this interesting. I love some of my friends deeply just as much as I did my husband and my family
DeleteI think I say, Love You, often, I hope I do. I am more likely to say it to a gay male friend, than a straight male friend. I am always afraid of offending or frightening someone. There is love, romantic love, and sex. I probably differentiate between these more than most. Love you!
ReplyDeleteI’ve told my very straight best friend I loved him, but waited until I said goodbye to share it , ( after a couple of drinks)
DeleteI tell my friends that I love them. I don't think most men would want to tell a female friend that they love them, lest it be taken the wrong way.
ReplyDeleteYes, there are rules me thinks
DeleteLike many here I love you wasn’t said when I was a kid but I I regularly tell hubby, siblings, friends that I love them.
ReplyDeleteWhy do u do that? I suspect we all know the answer
DeleteI say I love you to family, not so much to friends.
ReplyDeleteI have always told family and many female friends that I love them. Not so many male friends as I wondered how they would take it. Silly?
ReplyDeleteHugs!
I know that within my family, none of us ever says "good-bye" without adding, "I love you." That is just the way it is. I find it easy to say to others whom I love. The more love the better, the more it is expressed, the better. I think.
ReplyDeleteI show love with actions not words.
ReplyDeleteI come from a very restrained background. The first time I told my Mum I loved her was when she was in hospice, the night she died; I rang, and she had already been settled for the night. So I still don't know if they told her. Jxx
ReplyDeleteSaying I love you to close friends and family members should be easy. That said, it is often not.
ReplyDeleteI was brought up in a family that rarely, if ever said, I love you. I've tried to be more expressive with my words and feelings of love, but I suspect will never be great.
The question of words versus actions comes into play. I think my actions show great care, affection and love. If nothing else, I am true and reliable.
I always make sure that I end a phone call with family or a loved friend with "I love you" - I can't even remember when I started that tradition, but if that is the last ever conversation that you have, you want the love that you feel to be with them. My Dad is now starting to say "yeah, you to" back which is BIG for him.
ReplyDeleteI've been mulling this post over [snowed in by blizzard, lol]---does saying I love you, esp using it often and to everyone, devalue the meaning of the words. I do love my friends--, I show up for them, I tell them how much I appreciate them. But I only *love* my kids and dog. It's not the same as 'I love chocolate' love...
ReplyDeleteWe never heard the words growing up, so tell my husband and son that I love them every day.
ReplyDeleteI'm trying to figure out 'answers on a postcard'? What does that mean?
ReplyDeleteAnswers on a postcard" is an idiom used to request a brief, concise, or obvious response, often humorously or sarcastically.
DeleteMeaning
The phrase is commonly used to ask for a short, straightforward answer rather than a detailed explanation. It can also imply that the answer is obvious or self-evident. For example, someone might say, “What’s the capital of France? Answers on a postcard, please!” to indicate that the answer is simple and expected to be brief. It can also be used humorously or sarcastically when the question is complex or rhetorical, signaling that a full answer would be too long or unnecessary.
Stack Exchange
+1
Historical Origin
The idiom originated in early to mid-20th century Britain, when magazines and TV shows often ran competitions or quizzes. Readers were instructed to send their answers on a postcard to the magazine or show, as postcards were cheaper to mail than letters and easier for staff to sort. This practical use of postcards for competitions gradually evolved into a catchphrase meaning “if anyone knows, please tell me”.
Stack Exchange
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Figurative Usage
Over time, the phrase became figurative, extending beyond literal postcards. It is now used to request concise opinions, quick responses, or obvious answers in conversation, writing, or media. Variations include “send your answer on a postcard” or playful modern equivalents like “answers in a tweet, please”. It can also carry a nostalgic or whimsical tone, referencing the era when postcards were a common communication tool.
Thank you! That is not a phrase I am familiar with. I actually took it literally until I started to see all the comments. :)
DeleteI tend to say it often to my close family, but other than that I don't say it really.
ReplyDeleteWe both grew up in reserved households where emotions weren't expressed but now "Love you" are the first words we say to each other when we wake and the last words at night before we sleep. Besides that we say it often during the day, accompanied by a touch if passing. We say it when saying goodbye, even if we're only going to be away for a few minutes. This morning I left the house before I thought he was awake, got in the car and was about to set off when I heard "Love you wife!" shouted out of the front door.
ReplyDeleteI got out and we had a hug. To be loved and told that you're loved is such a precious thing.
Growing up 'i love you ' was not often expressed to me by anyone but i cannot say it was never said... My Grandmother and i were letter writers as we lived apart for much of our lives and 'I love you' was often included in the letter... easier to write than say don't you think... I made a point to say it to my daughter as she grew up and her children , my grandchildren hear it even more often from me and their mother.... Friends i have none to speak of... and would not be inclined to tell them that even if i did.. perhaps thats why i have no friends... lol My husband and i often tell each other 'I love you' and more often show it... Great topic John... Hugs! deb
ReplyDeleteI make sure to tell my wife and others that I care about that I love them every day. Without fail.
ReplyDelete❤️❤️❤️🥂
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