I have a friend who has four children by four different women. I thought about him today , as I know he keeps in touch with all of them , going on holidays and visiting and such like .
I’m envious in a way. As I would have loved to have been a father, just the once,…….four seems a bit untidy to me.
I’m sure is a regret of may gay men ( and straights for that matter)
In the two decades we were together my ex husband and I never discussed children. We both had work and busy lives but I think I would have made a good dad. I would have learned by the mistakes my parents made, and from the successes my grandparents and sister and brother in law made where kids were involved
The spare room looks like the wreck of the Hesperus, a teenagers bedroom ! and I sigh theatrically , hands on hips in feigned exasperation. Roger thinks it’s him and bows his head in shame, Mary just looks around the door to see where Leo is
The weather is cool and the morning has been filled with admin and phone calls
I’m going to have lunch at Sainsburys cafe
And feel a tad lonely
Feelings about fatherhood, or not, would be a topic for long conversations. The most common comment I hear is, who will be there for me when I am old?
ReplyDeletePerhaps I’m feeling my mortality xx
DeleteYou certainly do paint a picture with words. This was my first laugh of the day : "four seems a bit untidy to me" - Jackie
ReplyDeleteThank u x
DeleteThink of it like this: the love and compassion you would have concentrated on one child is spread wider and affects more lives by you being such a kind and caring individual. As a professional and a friend. Try not to regret what you cannot change, wastes energy and brain power. Just be who you are, as you are.
ReplyDeleteAnd I get this Liz , I really do
DeleteYou would be a great dad, but as a great uncle, you get all the fun, with none of the headaches! If the itch gets too strong, have you ever considered fostering or adoption? xx
ReplyDeleteConsidered and rejected
DeleteYep, that's what its like post-visit, chaos, finding the left behind things to mail to them, clean sheets and feeling a tad lonely (or as we say here "a tad bit").
ReplyDeleteCeci
I looked up tad in the dictionary
DeleteInterestingly it said
A “tad” was originally a small boy, but this word evolved into the expression “a tad” meaning “very small” or “very slightly”: “The movie was a tad long for my taste.” Some people combine this with the equivalent expression “a bit” and say “a tad bit.” This is redundant. Just say “a bit” or “a ta
Interesting indeed - I have heard tad used to refer to a small boy, as in "when I was just a tiny tad....", never a girl that I can think of. Language is fun.
DeleteCeci
I have two of school friends who remind me of your friend. One has been married five times and I've lost count of his children; the other has children all over the place but has never ben married. My more traditional life suits me just fine!
ReplyDeleteYes, some people are complicated
DeleteYour friend sounds like a certain Mr Robert Burns. But give him credit, a forward thinking man in the 1700s..he cared for every one. And had a good wife in Ann Armour...
ReplyDeleteJust a pity he had rheumatic fever as a child and died at 37 from consequences of that
I feel I should read a little more about him
DeleteEven though I don't live alone when loved visitors depart I always spend quite a lot of time in the newly vacant bedroom, doing the tidy and clean up is a small pleasure - for a short while it feels as though the essence of the person is still there.
ReplyDeleteAlison in Wales x
Has leo's family thanked you John?
ReplyDeleteLee
Have I missed something? Why should Leo's family thank John? Leo is a young man old enough to thank his uncle for his hospitality himself.
DeleteU
Indeed
DeleteI just thought they might of
DeleteLee
Have you got a dictionary Lee?
Delete"of" should be "have" in this context.
"I just thought they might HAVE"
as in "I just thought they might have done."
Lee - That anon woman is "on" about her bloody dictionary again - did you notice x
DeleteGet a friggin life.
Delete(Friggin spelt wrong)
Lee
To the general first question I really don’t need any thanks
DeleteYou're wrong flis, male top to bottom and all the way through! Not that the comments were anything to do with you.
DeleteYeap a woman ..men aren't as tenacious or as boring
DeleteA woman? How very wrong you are!
DeleteI've never felt maternal - until I found an dog covered in snow in a hedge - from then on it's dogs I mother - Though I must say I quite like children who wear furry outfits with ears - They never wore them in my day x
ReplyDeleteMe too flis
DeleteI'm glad you have Leo in your life. Yes, you would make a great parent.
ReplyDeleteWe will never know x
DeleteMy partner calls my son her stepson and he calls her stepmaw. He loves having two mums, in fact she spoils him. In the process granddaughter has 2Granmaws who love her dearly and it’s just lovely . Your nephew and you obviously are bonded and to share some interests must be heartwarming
DeleteBeing a fun uncle for a weekend is very different from the king hard slog of being a good father. Not saying you wouldn’t be a great dad—-just that it’s not the same. Or easy.
ReplyDeleteLizzy d
Long*
DeleteLong *
ReplyDeleteThat sounded a bit dismissive and although true, I wonder why you felt the need to say it?
ReplyDeleteKeith
Xx
What she said is right Keith , what do I know x
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteI meant that I hoped you take joy in the present situation, that you had and will have such fun being a great uncle. I regret if I worded it unkindly, John.
DeleteI was fine with the comment x
DeleteSometimes the cool uncle is better. My children have been difficult and to be honest, I wouldn't have wished them on anybody:)
ReplyDeleteFunny and terribly honest , thanks pixie
DeleteJohn, hi. Glad you had a good time with your nephew. My mother having [had] many brothers, older and younger than her, I was spoilt for choice. All my uncles were wonderful, each in their own way. The hell raiser, the thoughtful one, the funny one, the melancholic, the enthusiastic ... the whole spectrum. Alas, the Hoody with the Scythe harvested them over the last few years. It's the oddest feeling that I'll never be able to see them again, talk with them again, indeed dance with one of them again. That's what memories and photos are for. And tear ducts. Not to forget tissues.
ReplyDeleteAs to "Father", and please don't feel you need to answer: You occasionally mention your mother. But what of your FATHER? What role did he play in your and your sisters' upbringing?
U
I have written about my father who was a shadowy figure in my childhood. He was at home and worked hard for his family but he wasn’t,( like many 1970 parents) a hands on dad.
DeleteLater in my life I recognised and learned that he had suffered a degree of physical abuse from my grandfather and by doing so protected his two younger brothers .
Before that I reached out to him the year of his death and asked him to visit me in my first house in Sheffield . He came and did a few jobs for me, we talked, not about us, but about him, and I forgave him all of those slights we manufacture and amplify as children . He died suddenly in1989 at 65
Every Father's Day I write to my friend Billy who is a trans dad to tell him that I wish I'd had him as a father. He is so loving and amazing with his very special needs son. Endlessly patient and supportive, there for his boy. Billy grew up with NO father except for a few very bad stepfather figures and he always wanted to be a father himself. The kind of father he would have wanted. And he is exactly the kind of father I would have wanted.
ReplyDeleteI think you would have made a terrific dad, John. Like Billy.
A lovely tribute to your friend , I hope , he reads and feels the love in your words xx
DeleteSome people are just natural fathers/mothers.
ReplyDeleteI don't have any maternal streak but still love my sister's grandchildren to bits. Just glad though that they go back home again after a visit!
Yes and I understand that toojaycee
DeleteI was bloody exhausted
My late husband didn't have any natural children, but his step children, (he came into their lives when they were well out of "childhood") still hold him up as THE best. Biology doesn't always trump.
ReplyDeleteMy likleyhood of both is remote lol
DeleteHappy Hooker mentioned fostering I know a devoiced dad whose children have all left home. He retired and is in the last stage of being accepted to foster teenagers on a short term basics. Nothing is impossible.
ReplyDeleteIrene
Yes, my parents did short term fostering for a while when we were young. They fostered teenagers, who were in the care system because of family problems. They needed stability and security, something I feel you have in bucket-loads, John! xx
DeleteBunty from the village has already asked me this knotty question. She deals with fostering .
DeletePhysically the cottage is very small , that’s my reality
A small cottage as maybe but you had Leo only a long weekend....it maybe could be done???
DeleteNot for the faint hearted, either, John. They were troubled children because of their backgrounds, and a couple of them had fallen into petty crime. A lot to deal with. xx
DeleteAnd I’m realistic enough to know that’s not really for me
DeleteSorry to read you're feeling lonely. Missing leo for sure. I too feel you would make a great Dad.
ReplyDeleteIt’s a transient feeling , it washes over you from time to time, then everything feels ok.
DeleteI think you're just the haven and fun uncle he needs occasionally and he's lucky to have had you in his life since he was a child. You may even be his rock and that's no small honor.
ReplyDeleteYes, you'd have been a wonderful dad.
Hugs!
Thinking you’d be a good father is the fantasy of most men I think
DeleteNo regrets for me, really. We did talk about it at one point. I don’t think we would have been a good pair for parenting despite being a good pair for so much else.
ReplyDeleteHonestly put , and I understand your reasoning so much
DeleteMy partner had never had children; it was something we discussed when I was still able but there were reasons he decided against it. I know he has regrets now 24 years later. Not the same whatsoever but to explain; I found a 10 day old kitten who turned out to be a female calico. She was feisty and funny and absolutely doted on him and he on her, he was the one she stabbed in the bum to get out of bed in the morning to be fed, and he did with good natured grumblings... sadly at 2 she was hit by a car on the road outside our house. My partner has never got over it, it's been just over a year and he still grieves. I suddenly realised the other day it was like the daughter he never had. And that saddens me like nothing else.
ReplyDeleteA painful story jo , but an honest one, I like that you realised that even a tiny kitten could be a daughter substitute
DeleteI think Leo could attest to the value of your fathering impulses.
ReplyDeleteThank u x
DeleteBeing a father is difficult, very much so sometimes, at least I found it so many times; so is being a mother, from what I witnessed, and so is being a son or a daughter. I don't expect it is all sunshine for anyone involved. Sunshine and showers... Still, we are all still friends at ages 69, 68, 38 and 36... That's something.
ReplyDeleteWe all want what we can’t have I guess
DeleteIt surprised me no one has mentioned the video, I thought it hilarious
ReplyDeleteI'll mention the video. I found it funny, but why the face prosthetic with the string attached?
DeleteDo they have a 'big brothers' program over there? Because I think it is something you'd be very good at.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure I was or am a good father and I have no interest in my nephews and nieces - BA
ReplyDeleteOh, my heart hurt for you reading this, John. Yes, you would have been a wonderful, intentional father. You would have given much thought to the care of a child's soul.
ReplyDeleteI do feel for you I have 4 grown up children and loved every minute of their young lives. I always wanted to be a mum as my own died when I was 2 so felt I had missed out.
ReplyDelete