“ I didn’t want to leave my brothers”
1989 Walkley, Sheffield
My father was talking about joining the RAF at the height of the War
He became a navigator on a Wellington Bomber
I would have picked up on that statement now, and would have explored it.
Then, aged 27, it lurked just there
Hanging between us.
He died three months after visiting,
Just three months
My father never spoke of his relationship with his father,
All I knew was that his father was bad tempered, Scottish and old fashioned
When I was nearly sixty, I found out from an aunt that he was physically abused
Typical of the first born in a family of three boys
his abuse, protecting his younger brothers.
My father had no voice about all this
He never was shown how,
And I wish I known then, what I know now.
Then I would have told him that despite our own problems in the father/son timeline
Just for the fact he coped and protected his siblings
He was my hero
Perspective john ,
ReplyDeleteWith the silliness of comments recently, this post shouts perspective.
Lee
It was the father and son chat that reminded me of this lee
DeleteAn emotional read that Mr Gray
ReplyDeleteKeith
Xx
Yeap, most families have such stories
DeleteIt wasn't until quite recently that I came to accept that my parents who I adored had problems during their childhood that I never experienced - and when I recall some occasion when they were frustrated which I thought unfairly at the time - I now understand - Do you have that photograph of your Father in a frame in prime position John - He has a nice face x
ReplyDeleteNo , I have only a few photographs out , one of my sisters and I in the snow with my brother in law and nephews , one of Nu , and one of my nephew
DeleteAs children, we get snippets of our parents' lives before we were born. Ancient history when you're a kid. We can't process what their lives were like, we don't have the life experience. It's only when we ourselves are older (and sadly our parents have died) that we can begin to understand. I wish I could tell my parents how much I love and admire them. They gave me a happy and loving childhood, which at the time, I didn't appreciate. I thought all children had a similar experience. xx
ReplyDeleteI can relate to this comment
DeleteYou describe my post eloquently HH
Delete😘
DeleteI agree with appreciating things better as we get older and wishing we could tell our parents so.
DeleteThe "if only" moments in life can be the hardest to deal with.
ReplyDeleteI’ve processed most of mine
DeleteI get it John. Very much so. - Jackie
ReplyDeleteWe are all of an age jackie
DeleteIf only people had a voice then... would it change what happens now?
ReplyDeleteSo many if onlys in every family history.
As long as the cycle is broken
DeleteAll terribly sad and I'm sure a lot of us can relate to this situation. I am pleased that you acknowledge your father now as your hero. I hope this brings a new inner peace to your life and May God bless you. Sorry but I want to remain anonymous You don't have to put this on...My words are only for you anyway
ReplyDeleteWhy would I delete an appropriate postx
DeleteOMG
ReplyDeleteSo touching! Love this post.
XOXO
❤️
DeleteSo profoundly true.
ReplyDeleteNo doubt he loved his father very much, only to be abused by him. Sons always try and seek redeeming values in abusive fathers. For some the abuse is internalized as a coping mechanism, made worse by generations that will not discuss such issues. Your father had to be the protective adult in the house at a young age, he was the man his father should have been.
I think they were told to not talk about their activities in the war, to get on with their lives. I knew of my father's WWII experience only from photos and postcards that he brought home. India, the Far East, Burma. It all seemed exotic and fun to a child. He died young at 54, when I was just 12, and the thought that his army experiences might have brought on his illness haunts me. I don't actually want to find out more of his service history, in case I find something to blame.
ReplyDeleteYup, my father never did either. "Men" didn't do that back then.
Delete,PTSD happened in spades during WW2 and never dealt with
DeleteIn New Zealand men went to the RSA (Returned Services Association) where they drank, and could socialise with others who (probably) understood their pain. My father was an alcoholic and I blamed the RSA when, in fact, it was a crutch, the only one available. I am virtually a teetotaller as a result.
DeleteVirginia.
My father died of a rare blood cancer, so my concern would be about what chemicals/bombs he might have been exposed to.
DeleteAnother factor especially in the Pacific bomb testing
DeletePeople can lead such terribly difficult lives that never get revealed, appreciated or healed.
ReplyDeleteEven today debra, so many fractured people
DeleteSad that your father couldn't say what was in his heart. He wasn't alone in that then, or now. Smilles, hugs, and kindness go a long way, no matter what language you speak.
ReplyDeleteHugs!
My father was a product of his upbringing
DeleteOh, your poor Dad. People didn't discuss things back in those days, I don't think. Much better if people can share their trauma and their stories. Your father sounds like a brave boy and man, John.
ReplyDeleteYeap, in those days people didn’t talk, or share, or even understand
DeleteIt was easier to mind ones own business back then. Than point out others misdeeds. Which perhaps the pointer outer had in their lives as well.
DeleteIt's not a case of minding ones own business, more a case of being unable to articulate the horrors endured during war. Men so traumatised that they were unable to speak about it, a protective mechanism.
DeleteThat protective mechanism applies in cases of childhood abuse too, too much traumatism to be able to utter a word of it for the rest of one's life.
Politeness was a feature too, it was impolite to ask
DeleteWe really don't know people, just what we see . Then possibly judge by certain standards we , on our own have.
ReplyDeleteI try my best to soften people who are hard and lead them in my direction of honesty, friendliness, love. Give them a chance to trust someone who cares about them.
All we need is love....
I wish it was as simple as that deArheart x
DeleteWe are each a product of our past. It is very sad when a child becomes the protector against an abusive parent. Cycles of abuse can be broken but the sadness is still there. In your line of work, what are the stats on abuse today?
ReplyDeleteAbuse remains high, as does poverty, mental illness, addictions and isolation
DeleteIsn't it strange to discover your own stories written in the stories of those who came before you? I loved this glimpse.
ReplyDeleteYes, teeth fit wounds
DeleteDad has been gone six years now, lived to be 98 years old. To this day I wish I had gone further and gently questioned his past. An early elopement, sixty five years of marriage, a pack of daughters. Not to mention the D-day invasion and landing on the beaches of Normandy. Walking across Europe in the infantry to liberate Berlin. His best friend beside him smoking a cigarette and the next moment, his friend taken out by a sniper bullet to the head. All these things told to me the last few weeks he was alive. Secrets that were held inside him and kept there, almost the very end. It still tears at my heart. They really were a great generation.
ReplyDeleteStories , my father was a poor storyteller, and never could share anything. My mother was the reverse
DeleteMy father shared a few rather bizarre memories with me before he died. I think he was afraid that they would never be known about.
ReplyDeleteSounds interesting cro
DeleteThis is so sad. Your poor Dad. How trapped and alone he must have felt and it is heartbreaking.
ReplyDeleteHe was just unskilled at parenthood as was his father
DeleteOne can only act on what is known .As always, you did your best with what you knew .I hope you are proud of being a man who
ReplyDeletedoes the right thing if it's apparent to you...
When my father was in the hospital I went to visit him.The nursing staff was
overwhelmed with too many patients to help beyond basic necessities
so I washed his hair
and shaved him.He was surprised that I would do that because he had been so strict with me. I told him I knew he was just trying to protect me.He died the next day, I will always be grateful that we had that as our last conversation.-Mary
And by doing so , you held onto a little peace
DeleteA colleague of mine once told me that everyone has a story and needs to tell it till it’s told . We are much better now about asking for others stories -
ReplyDeleteAnd offering our own .
Thank you for this John
Siobhan x
I agree we are better, but men need a little more help at this Siobhan x
DeleteI, too, learned things about my grandfather and father after my father was gone. It wouldn’t have changed things when I was a child (the abuse was still there) but it would have humanised him in my eyes. Fascinating what we learn over time.
ReplyDeleteHurt is hurt , but sometime explanations do help
DeleteI've learned how generational trauma is passed down, and have been able to look back at so much of it in my family. Sooner or later, there is one person in the family lineage who decides they will break the chain. It took years of counseling to develop emotional regulation skills so that I don't work my shit out ON others. As my heart softened, I wished I could have helped my parents, my grandparents, my own siblings. All we can do is know that it won't come from us now, going forward.
ReplyDeleteForgiving is the key
DeleteForgiving and understanding
Yes, the softening comes from forgiveness, John. You will be such help for those you counsel, who suffer from trauma.
DeleteI have to remember my parents were a product of their beginnings.
ReplyDeleteExactly , so are we
DeleteI wish I could talk to my father now too. You made me cry this morning John. It breaks my heart, what those young men went through and then could never talk about it, never unpack it, never set it down.
ReplyDeleteI think is more important to forgive yourself for not doing
Delete"The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget."
ReplyDeleteWell said
ReplyDeleteI see your sad troll has given herself a full orgasm tonight
ReplyDeleteLee
Lol what a waste of time
DeleteSad fucker
DeleteLee
Can I email you john ?
DeleteLee
Received
Deleteoh , John, how heartbreakingly poignant
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