Analysis on radio 4 last week explored the knotty subject of singles prejudice.
This was touched on my one of the commentators of yesterday’s somewhat fish and chip drama post when they talked about someone walking into a restaurant alone and asking for a table for just one.
If you are apologising to the resultant owner from the get go, no wonder single tables are hidden away by the gutter or next to the toilets.
How does prejudice rear its ugly head for those alone?
Rather more than you would expect.
Tax savings for married couples
Single people spend 92% of their disposable income compared with 83% of Married couples
Single person supplements on holidays and in hotels
Difficulty getting a rental compared to couples who may have a duel income
Unsaid Expectations for the singletons to cover “ family friendly shifts” at work such as Christmas and school holidays
Leave of absence easier if spouse or children are ill rather than say a close friend that singletons may rely on
Extra work responsibilities often taken by singletons
Cultural marginalisation of single people proven in most societies
A social stereotype of not inviting a widow to a dinner party, the spinster and her cats, the bachelor hiding his money.
Do we remember covid ? When the Government public ally acknowledged single people and suggested they form a support bubble with one other? How odd did that feel?
All Government policy is centred around “Putting Families first”
In the US some recent research acknowledged that single people tended to be more open minded, less conformist, have closer democratic leanings and paid MORE TAX!
Personally I’ve noticed that being single in a parochial area is more difficult that living in a city, where socialising on your own is much more accepted and seen.
Perhaps next time I’m on the beach eating my chips
I will do it a little more defiantly
An interesting read John in the light of being a singleton now myself. A singleton - yes - but because I live in a small place where everyone knows everyone then I am pretty sure I am known not as a singleton but as the widow of the farmer, D. And that does make a huge difference the more I sit and think about it. And it throws up a lot of questions. I have to sit and think now. Thanks for making me do so.
ReplyDeleteFascinating Aida sang a very funny song titled something like “ everyone hates a widow at a party”
DeleteIt still seems very funny but in light of the comments here , also now a little cruel
😍
DeleteInteresting and completely unsurprising. I regularly dine out alone. I never thought about how different it sounds to say “just one” as opposed to “one.” I remember going into a restaurant a long time ago and being told I could sit at the bar, there were no tables for 1. I pointed out very pleasantly there were no tables for 3 either, and they had just seated a party of 3 at a table for 4. I didn't expect my argument to get me anywhere. Surprisingly, I was given a table.
ReplyDeleteYes a very good point and bravo to you my friend, I would have crumbled and sat at the bar
DeleteYour point couldn’t be argued with
Perhaps I would comment “ I’m a big tipper” but that suggests as a single man I should bribe the service staff to get what couples get
DeleteAbove comments are mine blogger is playing silly bugged
DeleteVery real, I feel it when I travel alone for work. Not having children I was always asked to "cover" for those who did, even if it meant cancelling my plans. Take care, stand strong.
ReplyDeleteAll of us single eaters should stand together on this
DeleteHaving recently been widowed this really struck a chord. Before my husband died I had no idea how much more it costs to live as one rather than as a couple, with half the income.
ReplyDeleteMe too Julia
DeleteMy husband died in March - it’s impossible to adjust to this new life
Siobhan
As a widower of nearly 12 years I am happy to dine alone (always take a book and go early), go to concerts and cinema alone and basically have a try at anything on my own. What's the worst that can happen? You can get up and leave. I think the levy charged on hotels is terrible, likewise committees who think that just because you are single you are happy to jump onto numerous committees. Hallo! Nobody at home to make my tea or there to listen if I have to unburden at the end of the day. One of my worst experiences when first widowed was joining a party of 5 other couples, all friends, who did not rearrange the table accordingly and I was left facing an empty chair.
DeleteThis hurt me, almost physically……and all done without thinking I am sure…..
DeleteBeing the surviving spouse in a group of mutual friends must be awkward all round sometimes.
I know I’ve not been invited to dinner because my potential host didn’t want me to feel a spare part
Incredibly insensitive , but I guess people that are in a couple sometimes can’t empathise, how could they??
DeleteWhen I was first divorced I think the person who could understand me the LEAST was my elder sister who has been happily married over 55 years
Julia and Siobhan
DeleteYou will adjust
U will
I'm sure we will, John. Thank-you. I had a conversation with another widow who said that she felt angry and jealous when she saw couples walking hand in hand. I said that I felt pity because they have no clue as to what awaits one of them. At least I'm now on that road and although it was gut wrenchingly awful to begin with, I am through the worst and trying to carry on with my very different life as a singleton. Just about to go and change our phone contract as it was joint. Have put it off and put it off - now getting a grip!
DeleteI've always thought it very unfair that there is a single supplement on holidays/hotel rooms etc. No-one should feel obliged to apologise for who they are. If a business doesn't want singleton's money or custom, it's their loss. Eat those chips with pride and your head held high, John. xx
ReplyDeleteWith the number of single people on the rise , and the state of the economy , we singles are a growing market
DeleteA very interesting and thought provoking post. As there are now more and more singletons who want to go out on their own ... or maybe that should read 'dare to go out on their own' ... I really do think it's time that restaurants and hotels recognised this fact and had a lot more tables and rooms 'for two' that they are completely willing to let singles have, and at no extra cost.
ReplyDeleteI sat in a restaurant the other week and looked at all the couples sat on 'tables for four' and thought what a waste of cover space when all of the tables could have been broken down (they were all pushed together small tables) and lots more people could have been seated.
I guess if you can prebook a table online , embarrassment all round can be minimised
DeleteThat was an interesting work through. From a business aspect, I don't think it is reasonable to expect one person occupying a space for two people for the same price. However, the supplement should not be even close to the price for two. Empty trains and empty accommodation is not unusual. Surely it is better to receive some income rather than none at all when singles baulk at the single person supplement.
ReplyDeleteI dont agree Andrew. The same can be said for a couple sat at a 4 seater table
DeleteBut couples arnt viewed the same as a single person
U
I do agree, Andrew. The price should be per room, if breakfast is included there should be a couples supplement as two breakfasts are needed.
DeleteIt’s not Ursula ,commenting above
DeleteThank fuck for that …I hope it’s not flis and other trolls that turn up like bad pennies
Delete😅
DeleteTruth!
ReplyDeleteI often had to travel for work and hated that dining alone experience in hotels. I usually just ordered room service and sat up in my room watching TV with my omelette and chips .
ReplyDeleteI too travelled a lot (hence the handle). I quite enjoyed eating out on my own. I enjoyed the quiet people watching but always had something to read.
DeleteIs it in restaurants ? Or hotel restaurants
DeleteFor me, it's both.
DeleteSadly too true. Hope you've opened a few eyes today.
ReplyDeleteHugs!
Including my own
DeleteWhen I eat in a restaurant by myself, I always refuse their offer of "the worst table in the house" (which is where they always try to seat singletons) and pick one right in the middle of all the action instead. They don't like it, but what can they do? Hahahahahaha!
ReplyDeleteYou remain my role model you sassy girl
DeleteBack in France if I ever entered a restaurant alone, I would always look for another 'singleton' and ask if I could join them. Usually they were very happy, and we'd spend an hour chatting about everything and anything.
ReplyDeleteBloody hell, I’d hate you to do that to me
DeleteEven though I’m sure I’d have a lovely time
Seriously I would say no to you lol
You're a heathen!
DeleteThe extra cost of buying food in single/small portions is another factor. As is cooking (fuel etc).
ReplyDeleteGood point, add it to the list
DeleteI think some push back would be helpful. Not angry push back but still push back.
ReplyDeleteExamples please xx
DeleteThrow chips at out your window at theirs. :)
DeleteEasier to get that ticket for 'sold out' events when going alone, but then got funny looks from the people I sat next to. Never understood the single room suppliment.
ReplyDeleteI went out to fascinating Aida and had to buy separate seats for my sister and I
DeleteThat's bizarre. I'm currently googling in the interval at Fascinating Aida. Widow sat by herself, listening to "Never invite a widow to a party" 😁😁
DeleteI feel more comfortable alone most of the time than in the company of people I'd really rather not be with. I do my own version of Mary Poppins's happy tune whistling, it becomes second nature pretty soon. I'm happy to share tables etc with strangers etc. Always carry a book ;)
ReplyDeleteI’d share a table but sharing tables in mixed food halls have a unwritten rules that you don’t have to interact
DeleteGallovidian sums it up for me. I'm more comfortable in my own space with my own husband than mingling out with people that I don't know/don't WANT to know.
ReplyDeleteHow lucky you are
DeleteI can imagine that being single in a town or village would feel different from being single in a city. When I lived in New York I found that being single was often an advantage -- I had a lot of friends who would invite me along for dinner or to a play because they had a spare ticket or spare seat at their table, and I was fine with that! Even now that I'm married I do a lot of things by myself. It IS true that married people save on taxes, at least in the USA.
ReplyDeleteIf you are married or in a civil partnership in the UK you can transfer up to £1,260 of your Personal Allowance to your spouse or civil partner, which can reduce their tax bill by up to £252 in the tax year.
DeleteWhoop-de-doo.
Better than nothing
DeleteSteve,sometimes I do buy two tickets to a play in the hope someone will go along too
DeleteSO wish we lived closer...I should love to join you in some of your activities...I have yet to dare go to a theatre on my own...and how silly is that? no body is going to notice a nearly 70yr old 'invisible' woman X
DeleteI have a spare room come up
DeleteWhat I said was that restaurant staff, not I, said "just the one". I'd never disparage my own status. I usually respond " one ", no just about it!
ReplyDeleteAnother inequality, employee benefits often cover immediate family (spouse and children) and some pensions are paid to the surviving spouse.
ReplyDeleteAnother good point well made
DeleteHe single and be perceived as elderly, and you also become socially invisible!
ReplyDeleteYes …another good point
Deletenational Trust membership - single £84 joint £139.40 a year.
ReplyDeletePerhaps we should also talk about prejudice against the young? Seniors discount, fuel allowance, free TV license - all associate with age as opposed to income.
No I think singles can be young too , and that demographic is growing
DeleteAgree singles can be young as well, but my point was there are discounts for seniors - based on solely age
DeleteHowever, senior discounts are usually because seniors are out of the workforce and living on a fixed income -- more of a recognition that budgets now may be tighter. And you might say it's a reward for no longer working, which opens space for younger worker coming up, lol.
DeleteThis is all interesting and something that us partnered/married should be more sensitive to - I'm guilty of not always being mindful of my single friends......
ReplyDeleteAlison in Wales x
I agree Alison
DeleteI agree wholeheartedly
Thank u
Government policy should be Put People First. All people.
ReplyDeleteAlas the family unit will always be put first
DeleteYes of course
ReplyDeleteI'm single and was a single mother. I usually get given a table/hotel room somewhere noisy or unattractive - near a lift, near the toilets/kitchens, overlooking the generator at the back of the hotel etc. I noticed my son never sat down when we were shown to a table in a restaurant or barely came in to the hotel room or let go of his suitcase. When I asked him why he said he knew I was never going to accept the first table or room offered so he never made a move to relax until the third move requested by me :). It made me laugh. He said after the third move he felt safe to take his jacket off. First table is usually in a bad position. Second is often draughty (in the line of the door or under the aircon, which you don't realise until you sit down). It is a battle for equal treatment when single, especially as a single middle-aged woman, but I find people will move you if you ask nicely for a good table by the window etc. It would be nice if they gave us that first of all.
ReplyDeleteThat last comment was by me - Ruth
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Ruth. I think I will try to pick my own table before asking for it in future x
DeleteI had to pause after your post of yesterday
DeleteIt struck a chord with me and moved me to tears.
Last year, for the first time I sat in my husband’s favourite restaurant
I asked for our table , but was sat in the cheap seats
Like you said you did at your in laws funeral service.
I felt cheated and I recognised a slight distaste by the waiter who saw me as a waste of time .
I wept quietly into my napkin and walked out leaving too much money on the side plate.
I felt shame like you did
Keith
Xx
Chin up Keith old son ….we’ll get there
DeleteStop going on about being single, don’t worry about what others do or think, they are ill bred. You have wonderful friends and a great life . You have beautiful dogs and a lovely home. I eat breakfast and lunch by myself everyday with the dogs by my side. I set the table make a sandwich a cup of tea and read . Bliss . Sat by myself in NY restaurant and the waiter brought me a complimentary glass of wine. Nice!
ReplyDeleteThe blog was about prejudice and prejudice of singledom is a fact……it needs calling out gently and assertively …..and it needs to be accepted by a society that doesn’t really recognise it
DeleteSo no, I’m afraid we all shouldn’t stop
DeleteAbsolutely agree - people don’t thin about pricing and inherent prejudice
DeleteI'm a singleton and always volunteer to work on Christmas Day, the others all have children and who wouldn't want to be with their children on Christmas Day?
ReplyDeleteBut you shouldn’t feel that you have to fill in
DeleteGreat that you do , but why can’t someone else who has kids do it and ask for next year off
As I said - I do it so that those with children can be with them on Christmas Day. Nobody asks me to and I don't feel that I have to fill in. It's my choic, I'm sure if I had children I'd want to be with them.
DeleteI no longer travel, or eat out. When I did, for 20 years of travelling on business, I ate out from 3-5 days a .week. About half of that time was alone. I had little tricks to get a 'good' seat...slipping the greeter a 20, asking for a 'quiet' table. I often took a book I was reading.
ReplyDeleteI don't miss the travel at all, some years it was over 200K a year. But now, eating alone in a quiet house. I miss the activity around me, and the waiter asking if I'd like another something. As I near 80, time seems to be slowing.
I’d love just one meal with you
DeleteI agree John, there are huge extra costs being a Singleton. Financially - I have a young friend, in her early 40s who has had to cope buying a property by herself, paying all the outgoings without the help of a partner's contribution. I've seen her struggle. On the Hotel front - it is ridiculous for there to be a Singles Surcharge. They still clean one set of linen, and if breakfast was included, THEY SAVE serving only one person. And socially, there is still prejudice about singleness, although in my social group quite a few are singles, and it doesn't seem to be much of an issue. But it does make round dining tables desirable!
ReplyDeleteMeanwhile, there are some advantages ... you choose your menu, you choose when and what to watch on TV, you choose your colour schemes and decorating. You set your own life goals.
Crazy cost of living and inflation. Since COVID, packaging is smaller and prices are higher, geared for 2-income households. That’s one. The other is the shaming about how much I’ve saved for retirement. I did the best I could on 1 income, 2 international trips in 40 years and local concerts and plays a couple times a year. So no, I didn’t save one full salary for retirement.
ReplyDeleteBonnie in Minneapolis
I have been thinking about your post a lot today. The last time I was single I had three children, so I was never alone. It has been a long time since I have been by myself. I did travel by myself a while back but I wasn't self conscious about being alone or eating alone. I wonder why that is. You are a very social person. Perhaps you feel 'aloneness' more keenly. I have never heard of fees being tacked on to a single person's travel or accommodations. That would aggravate me.
ReplyDeleteYou haven’t heard the phrase “single supplement”? That surprises me.
DeleteThe last time I was single I had three children, so I was never alone
ReplyDeleteI don’t have children
Can’t you speak up and ask for a table of your choice? Its not prejudice if you are given an ugly table . Use your voice and demand something better
ReplyDeleteOf course it’s prejudice , stupid to think otherwise
DeleteTwo good friends have been widowed this year. They are both wonderful examples that life goes on and have taught me not to sweat the small stuff when I am frequently frustrated by my husband’s Parkinson’s. Sometimes I feel that PD is a rehearsal for being widowed. The practical stuff is all fine, it’s the emotional loss I fear. Can friends ever make up for losing your soulmate? Sarah in Sussex
ReplyDeleteHi Sarah, I'm sorry that your husband has Parkinsons, so has mine. I've never thought of PD being a rehearsal for being widowed. My husband was first diagnosed in 2004 and is still alive, nearly 20 years later. He's in a nursing home now but as he's so well looked after he could go on for another 20 years. As he's bed bound he's not at risk of falls or other complications. It's a long rehearsal!
DeleteHim going into a nursing home once he also got dementia was a huge grief for me and I still grieve every day. No friends could ever make up for me losing my soulmate, I miss him terribly. I wish you well for the future.
Eileen
Nice to see mutual support here x
DeleteMaybe they were laughing at you because you are so fat
ReplyDeleteWould you like to come round and say that to my face?
DeleteNo I didn’t think so
Oh john! I’m not going to attack the troll for that’s clearly what they desire
DeleteAll I can say is that I hope the troll has a child or a mother
And I hope one day, that child or that mother sees what they have written here
HOW PROUD THAT CHILD AND THAT MOTHER WOULD BE reading what their relative has written
How proud
That was Keith from Ohio
DeleteXx
I used your criteria john
DeleteAnonymous 11:11 am is one piece of shit. Kick it to the curb and move on.
ReplyDeleteWhat a jerk; as if making fun of someone's weight is acceptable.
ReplyDeleteIt's not just singletons - there is frequently a similar bias against couples without children- always being expected to cover for parents whatever their own circumstances may be in the way of non-child dependents.
ReplyDeleteGood point will
DeleteI’m sure I’ve been guilty of unconscious prejudice in the past, but since being widowed in the pandemic I see things very differently. I’m kind of resigned to not being invited to things when it’s all couples now. I go out on my own if there’s something I want to see or do (and yes I’ve said ‘just one’!), but it’s not as much fun as when my husband was here, but to be fair nothing is really as much fun any more and that’s no one else’s fault. Except maybe Boris Johnson and his mishandling and partying while I sat with my dying husband on a Covid ward. I’m blessed with good and loving friends, single and coupled, and while there is discrimination out there, it’s up to all of us to be mindful and aware. Onward and upward. Julie x
ReplyDeleteI'm single after the break down of a 30 year relationship we had 3 children but never married, I've being left with nothing he's waltzed off with his full pension and parents £500,000 inheritance and despite the fact he was a prat the thing I miss the most is dining out as a couple, my self-confidence is at rock bottom I couldn't contemplate going out aline, yet when I see single diners I always think how confident they look and never feel sorry for them.
ReplyDeleteAlone not aline lol
ReplyDelete