I’m not the teenage mistress of Juan Perón and my suitcase is not standing in another hall but I do sing the phrase to myself from time to time.
Not in a depressing sort of way, but I am just interested in how things will pan out.
How things will go!
I’m 61 and the rest of this year is planned out.
I start University in September. Course fees are paid for.
Time off organized, and there is a psychological shift in my head from Hospice to University.
That much is sorted. I'll work two days and have one whole day studying.
2024 however, comes with its own uncertainties
My mortgage is up for renewal next November , so I have a little time for interest rates to balance and stabilise. But my final year’s fees need to be found and more expenses such as a new car factored in too.
But I have time to look at things without the panic of last minute.
Socially I’m ok….more than ok.
I am blessed with friends in the village and beyond its borders and although there is a yearning to have someone else special in my life I’m not getting bogged down in the game of gay dating. The apps are fickle creatures, often like the men who inhabit them and I’m not settling for anything.
In four years I’ve dated a handful of men, some nice, some not, and I’m too long in the tooth to be cavalier with my own or indeed other people’s feelings.
I want to be like Charlotte York Goldenblatt from And Just Like That….romantic and hopeful where men are concerned but I’m not I’m afraid. I have the Miranda Hobbs “ realist” head on me despite what I say about romantic holes in jumpers.
Romance in older men's lives can be a car crash of sorts.
I’m also well past waiting to be saved by my ex. It’s a common go to place when people are in grief after divorce. Lassie doesn't always come home,
Nothing is neat and tidy .
I’m lucky. I can afford theatre trips and cinema when and where I please. It’s Rome in four weeks and London soon after that…
I’m doing ok, more than ok
Sometimes I need to remind myself of that.
Carrie Bradshaw was right, I’m only as much as a fictional icon be right in a tv programme written by gay men can be right
If only life was so simple
You're doing well, creating the life you want and deserve. There are always unknowns but you're good at adapting
ReplyDeleteI was never good at adapting , I’m getting better at it
DeleteSlowly
DeleteI admire your ability to quietly study your situation, weigh up how it's going and having done all the planning you can, just let it happen. Will you be a commuting student?
ReplyDeleteBoud, that’s what I’m doing here
DeleteMulling it over
Getting it straight
All we can do is our best, and that's what you're doing! May it all work out well!
ReplyDeleteI can only try…..it’s a precarious venture
DeleteAs far as I can see from your writings, you have a pretty good life. Long may that last.
ReplyDeleteOf course social media only shows the highs cro…
DeleteSince I've been reading your blog lo these many years, you seem to have done well, stayed balanced, and are making good choices. More that all right!
ReplyDeleteHugs!
Babs perhaps I’ve been lucky
DeleteI’m worried that it’s time for a fall
I wish I believed that everything happens for a reason, but I don't. That makes it harder to accept the crappy parts of life. Will you be doing university full-time?
ReplyDeleteI agree with you Jenny, that’s why I questioned carrie’s comment
DeleteNo university is one day a week then more “ clinical” days in therapy
Life is messy. Some ups, some downs and some bits just OK. You seem to deal with it all in a pragmatic way. As long as, on balance, the good outweighs the bad, we can't complain! xx
ReplyDeleteWell said
DeleteI agree wholeheartedly
Doing more than OK. Hey, I'll settle for that!
ReplyDelete💋❤️
DeleteI like the way you have some dates marked down as needing attention in the future, but you don't sit around waiting for those dates to come around. You fill in the gaps by getting on with your life now. I hate the saying, 'I can't wait for such and such'. Every day counts. Lots of love.
ReplyDeleteYes…I cannot be and won’t be consumed by worry
DeleteI’ve seen too many people end their days that way
You are amazing in the way you create this good life for yourself.
ReplyDeleteFrom you that’s praise indeed
DeleteThank you dear yael
That all sounds a pretty rich life to me. Full and interesting, and you have freedom and health to choose your path.
ReplyDeleteYou have 5ouched upon another vital factor
DeleteHealth x
Getting there
ReplyDeleteAs we all are
DeleteI agree that life certainly isn't simple. But you have so much good in yours to hold on to, and I hope the financial challenges can be overcome at the time.
ReplyDeleteAs Meanqueen says - every day counts - and I admire how you do that as best you can.
One step at a time…I’m just having a wobble
DeleteWe should do what makes us happy and gives us joy. No other b*gger will do it for us.
ReplyDeleteNo we are all onour own x
DeleteI've grown out of touch. I can't quote anyone from And Just Like That, While years ago so many people I knew could tell me which character they were, I at least knew what they were talking about. Too many people claimed to be Samantha. Anyway, whatever happens happens. You've got it under control (and have loads of practice rolling with the punches). I believe in you.
ReplyDeleteThat’s sweet of you to say, and it means something important that you’ve said it
DeleteYou are not feeling sorry for yourself - instead, you are just being yourself . That's the best way to be. Someone might come along to fill the void - like a missing jigsaw piece but equally, it might never happen.
ReplyDeleteNo,I’m not…..I’m just thinking and reflecting in my journal and we you all
DeleteWould love another (longer) gin session…x Libs X
ReplyDeleteNext time
DeleteAnd so the adventure continues!
ReplyDeleteAnd so it does Mary
DeleteNavigating life and the world, is always messy. You are moving forward, one step at a time. We can see you in a couple of years, with a thriving counseling practice in a quiet corner of the village, with people driving from miles around to talk to the sensible kind one.
ReplyDeleteI’m walking forward and last night needed to stop for a second to take a breath and to think
DeleteI just a moment to breathe and to think
I think you are doing incredibly well. You have not let the grass grow under your feet but have changed course, created new dreams and goals, and worked hard to make them a reality. That's huge!
ReplyDeleteNow- as to Miranda Hobbs- uh, did she not just leave everything to go to LA to be with Che? That's not especially being a realist. And oh- doesn't Charlotte love love? And wouldn't we all love to have Aiden step back into our lives? Obviously I have been needing someone to discuss these things with.
I too have been needing someone to discuss. I felt shocked when Carrie said that perhaps Big was a mistake as they ended up married and happy. But I have been watching old episodes along side the new and then I got it. Big hurt Carrie over and over and over. We don't all have an Aiden to sweep back in but it has actually made me well up a bit. We know it's not real but what if! It's nice to think of the romance.
DeleteCarol
DeleteAnd just like that , despite some perfunctory writing has challenged what Carrie and the audience thought of big and has interestingly explored romances in later life. Miranda has made a hash of things
Ms moon
DeleteSome peace in later life is all that’s important . Miranda has yet to find it and perhaps underlines that for most of us, we are works in progress
Your cavalier attitude to spending money now isn't ging to go towards 2024. Holidays (so many holidays!), many cinema trips, eating out, theatre trips. Rome, London, etc. etc.
ReplyDeleteYet you already know your mortgage will be due for renewal, your car may need replacng, final uni fees, etc.
Comments above says you are living "a pretty rich life" and "a very good life" - is that what you consider to be sensible forward planning ?
Fuck off.
DeleteYou are always going to challenge and criticise my life and choices whatever plans I air out here, and if they are out here, I guess you can take the critical view and question them , but taking the opposite view constantly strikes to me of blinkered obsession .
DeleteThe secret to having some sort of happy life is balance miss troll.
I work overtime every month and that money pays for holidays. Holidays that nurture the psychi and balances the mind.
Cinema trips and friends balances work in the hospice
Worries about renewing the car ….pretty normal for a single salary household
Perhaps it’s time for you to play a different tune, this one is boring
You don’t have to explain yourself to this Troll bitch John!
DeleteI know
Delete"saved by your ex" Was that ever likely to happen?
ReplyDeleteOf course not, but it’s a common psychological need to be healed, to be made better to be helped by the person who hurt you
DeleteThat common psychological need - isn't that when someone has been abused? If you think not then obviously we're on quite different uni courses!
DeleteFinal year here, it's been tough but the end is in sight!
No it’s a common trait in separations I think you will find, not exclusive to abusive relationships at all
DeleteYou need to do some more reading around grief
DeleteJohn , it amuses me that you “unearth” your Anon abuser in every comment list
DeleteI Love today’s review, Penelope Cruz is a particular favourite of mine
Keith xx
I don't know what it's like for gay men, but straight women are happier alone. No man to kowtow to. You live your life as you choose. Sending hugs.
ReplyDeleteI’ve been talking to my friend Nigel today and he asked what I missed from my relationship
DeleteI answered intimacy ( not of the sexual kind)
I would miss that too.
DeleteYou are being the best that you can be. I love your outlook. Nobody knows what the future holds. It is all adventure. Enjoy the ride!
ReplyDeleteI think the point of today’s blog is a moment of questioning, a stop at a crossroads where I know generally where I am going
DeleteAs Cro said you seem to have, on balance, a good life - which you have carefully built. Good for you.
ReplyDeletePS Please note my restraint!
Noted x
DeleteI envy you John, having the courage to make a complete change at this point in your life, not all people have the courage to do so, good on ya!! ps: I have no idea who this "anonymous" troll is but I do have a message for it: "fuck off!"
ReplyDeleteDon’t mind them, like a docker’s swearing, her words mean nothing
DeleteI am glad to hear you sing to the dogs and yourself! I love that in a person. Beth
ReplyDeleteI sing everyday to them, Dorothy loves it
DeleteThere's a lot to be said for being single and in command of your own life!
ReplyDeleteYou are a beautiful human. You bring me joy in my life with your words. You haven’t yet written your book but I feel like I’ve already read one with your blog. I wish you’d start a go fund me . We all owe you the price of a book I know you won’t. Faithful appreciave readers.Send our dear John the price of a book you’ve already enjoyed for years, love from curly club aka Jane in Oz.
ReplyDeleteSweet xxx thank u
DeleteYou are so beautifully honest in your posts. I'm 68, and my husband died almost 2 years ago. I spent the first year as a zombie. I'm grateful to all the friends and family who supported zombie me. This year has been a slowly coming to life for me. They say that if you are frostbit, when your fingers or toes begin to thaw, that is the most painful time. Still thawing. I wish you lots of love--it will come when you least expect it. Take care.
ReplyDeleteThank u x
Delete