I’ve just met the guy I had that date with
I wanted to see him face to face and tell him I didn’t want to go on another
Of course he wanted to know why and I told him.
I thought he wasn’t ready to date as I felt he wasn’t over the death of his long term partner three years ago now.
When he asked me what made me think that, I stopped myself from saying
“Duh the way you cried, everytime you mentioned his name !”
I merely asked him if he thought he was ready…..
and his eyes filled with tears and after an age
he shook his head.
We left things on good terms and hugged in the car park
I stood on the promenade and watched the sea, overlooked by the reclaimed cormorant statue.
And felt a little tired
You have been most kind and honest. It's important to be both.
ReplyDeleteIt’s important to try to be both. Me thinks
DeleteThat was a forthright but kind way to do it.
ReplyDeleteToo forthright ?
DeleteBest not to beat about the bush.
DeleteNo. Honest and kind. (Joan)
DeleteThat was a wise thing to do. Somone once tried to fix me up with a woman whose life partner had run off with their couples therapist about 6 months earlier. She was in no shape to date yet either. Her friends meant well, but holy moly, what were they thinking?
ReplyDeleteBest intentions debra , best intentions
DeleteAll of us have tried to match up a single friend from time to time, it comes from caring
Perhaps we should reintroduce the use of a matchmaker in all societies ?
Honest and kind, that was the best approach.
ReplyDeleteI think so
DeleteHe obviously wants to move on, despite not being ready. I guess we all need stepping stones.
ReplyDeleteYes, and I wasn’t prepared to be one
DeleteYou deserve better x
DeleteWe all do
DeleteThat was kind. I wonder if he felt that after three years he somehow "ought" to be ready.
ReplyDeletePerhaps, perhaps it’s a ticking clock thing, or the fact we are post covid now and back to a normality
DeleteWho knows
I suppose I am privileged by having a long term partner of forty plus years and I would be scared by what you are doing. I know how to hook up for sex, but not for a relationship. But sex can lead to a long term relationship. But how does that work when you are older? I don't know.
ReplyDeleteYour sister's advice was wise, but a less than perfect person could be ok in the long term.
DeleteSex is a easy hookup as you know Andrew
DeleteI’ve found it easier to be clear what you want when you first meet.
We both sort of did that, it’s just the fact I didn’t believe him and my instincts were right
Such a shame. Poor guy.
ReplyDeleteI think he will be ok with more time
DeleteBest to be honest. I have a similar story, not a date, but a stranger who needed to talk. I hope my stranger finds a way to cope with his loss.
ReplyDeleteI hope so too
DeleteI hope you can stay friends..you both need friends.
ReplyDeleteIf this can kickstart his recovery...all the better for him.
He needs to fill the space with good memories...not necessarily happy ones..and realise that his late partner would not want him to be sad. It takes time, but three years is a long time.
I have enough friends Gz,
DeleteI think it’s easier to leave things there
My husband died 21 weeks ago ( and yes I am still counting in weeks). I have been told that I am not too old ( at 58) to find love again - but the thing is I haven’t lost my love, he died, but the love lives on .
ReplyDeleteI will never seek another relationship. He was it for me
Siobhan x
I’m so sorry siobhan, a relative of a patient I nursed in the hospice came back to visit after his wife’s death and said
Delete“ grief is is just love with no where to go”
I thought that was beautiful and painfully true
Perhaps a not now would have been kinder x
ReplyDeletePerhaps mave
DeleteGrief is hard and some people seem to never let go and move on.
ReplyDeleteYou live with grief
DeleteIt has been almost 3 years for me as well and I still grieve, sometimes intensely, and I fully expect to for the rest of my life. How can one stop loving after 46 years together. That does not mean that there might not be another at some point, though at my age I doubt it. And, John, I think you did the right thing in the right way. I sounds like he is not ready for that next step and it sounds like you have the self awareness to know that you want the potential of a relationship and not a grief counselor.
ReplyDeleteHonest and well put Jon
DeleteYou have gone through a hard time
I just went back and caught up on your most recent posts. I am sorry that this guy didn't work out, but I admire you for being honest with him. Good luck on your new career path too. You are truly amazing to tackle something like this. I don't think I could do it!
ReplyDeleteIt’s a case of having to my friend xx hope the wedding plans are running more smoothly x
DeleteI figure I will cry the rest of my life for the loss of my husband. 50 years together
ReplyDeleteIt was May when he passed.
As far as him, he doesn't know for sure 'til he tries.
I think a lot of people for whatever reason lack self awareness , grief and hope and the need to feel better often clouds thinking
DeleteIt happens to us all
‘Tired’… that word resonated with me… I told a friend today that I was tired… I think they thought I meant I needed sleep…. No.
ReplyDeleteIt was kind of you to have acted how you did with him. X
Libs X
Not tired of the situation
DeleteNot tired physically
But just a bit tired mentally
We need that gin x
Your kindness shines through here dear John.
ReplyDeleteI hope I showed him some respect
DeleteYou left on good terms and he has something to ponder. Perhaps he needs to seek some help to navigate this change. Someone like you, who is NOT you.
ReplyDeleteI think that you are very wise to see this. Broken people are not good partners...not until they have managed to begin putting themselves back together.
I suspect he does and suggested it
DeleteYou've most likely really helped him move on just a little bit more with your wise words and understanding, exactly what he needed at this time. And you were a real grown up meeting face to face to tell him, sadly not many would. I sure he went home thinking about you and your wisdom and feeling very understood and seen.
ReplyDeleteWe were on the prom in Llandudno on Friday and Saturday, the sea was quite rough but the air was lovely.
Would I have wanted him to see me face to face if the roles were reversed ?
DeletePerhaps not
I think you are going to be an excellent counsellor.,Asking him if he really thought he was ready was perfect.
ReplyDeleteAlways reflect the question
Delete
ReplyDeleteCouldn't you have told him that a relationship wasn't on the cards but you would like to meet up occasionally as a friend? Or did you dislike him so much you wanted an abrupt cut off?
Poor man, he obviously still has distress and you didn't want to help him in any way.
After the prof left you how did you feel? Did seeing friends help?
It's a shame you only arranged to see him in the first place as a long term relationship prospect, perhaps you could have explained that to him, that you weren't looking for just friends.
I suspect not only are you still not over the Prof (you till cry too, just like that man) but you want a long term relationship to get over him. In kindness to others you need to make it clear that it's all you want from a from a date, and don't want just friendship.
You have just made an unhappy man more unhappy, how will he move forwards without friends to help?
I'm surprised that you have that streak of ruthless unkindness in order to get what you want.
What a lot of old tosh
DeleteNot a lot of old tosh, the truth but you don't like the truth do you.
DeleteYour suggestions are not only tosh but are psychologically incorrect. They also make no sense at all given the facts but you bang on as you want
DeleteWell said John x
DeleteKindly rephrased, John, and you left open the possibility of a casual friendship over cooffee from time to time... as friends. Your counseling traing is being put to good use, but you were already a sensitive and caring person and a wonderful nurse.
ReplyDeleteHugs!
I think it was common sense to be fair
DeleteHe was probably advised by well-meaning friends to try dating again. He knew he wasn't ready, you knew he wasn't ready. Well done to him for having the courage to give it a go. Well done you for letting him down kindly. x
ReplyDeleteAmen x
DeleteSo very kind of you, John. Giving him false hope of a long-term relationship would have been dishonest and that's not a good foundation. You handled it beautifully.
ReplyDeletePerhaps you need to let further suitors know your list of "must have" and "must not"
ReplyDeleteFor instance must be single but must not still be grieving an old flame.
Must meet up to see if they're a relationship possibility rather than just a friend.
Must see that the sun shines out of your arse, anything less than being in total awe of you and it's a no-go.
Thats what john actually did at this meeting anon cant you read? And your last sentence is just plain rude.
DeleteOh dear, wouldn't a gentle telephone call have been kinder rather than having him break down in tears in front of you?
ReplyDeleteCrying on the phone is kinder than being supportive and brave in person?
DeleteI'm definitely seeing aspects of your counseling training at work here! I'm sure it wasn't a pleasant conversation for him but probably one he needed to have, and to think about. It was good of you to let him know what you were thinking and why. That offers a sense of closure.
ReplyDeleteI’m not sure of that, just common sense xx
DeleteI don’t know John, the fact that he was so loyal/loving/sad about his loss, tells me he’d be a good find.
ReplyDeleteI thought that too, obviously a sensitive man, John could have just told him that he didn't want to go ahead with the dates without upsetting him to the extent that he cried. That was cruel.
DeleteDo you people actually read the blog, no I think you skim the words and make up what you want to believe. I didn’t make him cry, I asked him honestly if he was ready for a relationship
DeleteThe crying bit was his answer to himself
I see anon has been at work when I’ve been out lol
You were kind to him, and wise for yourself. Well done, John.
ReplyDeleteThe most important thing was to be wise for myself , I hoped I came over as kind
DeleteOh John - brought tears to my eyes too. Relationships are so hard after either break ups or death of a partner. I was so lucky that I already knew my farmer well as did Malcolm, my first husband. As he lay dying at home and I was sitting quietly by his bed - he opened his eyes, took hold of my hand and told me what a nice man my farmer was. That helped me hugely when a year and a half later we began to be more than just friends. Thinking of you dear one. x
ReplyDeleteOh that’s quite lovely , perhaps your husband wanted you to find someone supportive and kind, how strong and wise of him xx
DeleteWhat a kind and honest way to handle it, John. As a currently single person myself, I am impressed with the life you have created for yourself. I sometimes spend a bit too much alone time, while I recognize that emulating your trips, etc., with friends would be worth the effort.
ReplyDeleteNina
Nina
DeleteTonight I’ve been to the cinema with “gorgeous Dave”
He is a straight man in his thirties and his friendship to me over the past five years has been vital, and sustaining.
Another slightly surprising fact about me
Cultivate friendships Nina , they come from everywhere and from everyone x
Grief has no time limits. Maybe he thought he needed to "test the water" to see if he was ready for a new relationship. You were wise and kind to ask him if he thought he was ready. Good that you've parted as friends. xx
ReplyDeleteWe all sometimes jump back into the “ relationship” thing without thinking carefully and selfishly….being selfish can be also termed being wise
DeleteBeautifully handled by you & him. Your kindness & honesty allowed him to be comfortable in asking "why" and he was able to answer your question honestly for himself. It says a great deal that you were able to share a hug in the car park and part on good terms.
ReplyDeleteYour feeling tired when all was said & done isn't surprising. Be kind to yourself, John dear.
If I had answered him, I could be seen to be saying it’s not you, it’s me
DeleteI think that you handled it well and good for you.
ReplyDeleteI do wish the anonymous people would take their horrid comments elsewhere! What rubbish they speak.
They are angry with me for some reason
DeleteAnd anger festers
You were kind to him giving him something to ponder. I still cry after three years but if I was younger and the right person came along I would be ready.
ReplyDeleteI still cry( occasionally after five years) but I would be ready too x
DeleteNo more arsehole anon comments
DeleteSorry John, annon was me,Gigi
DeleteGrief doesn't go away. You just get used to it, and ever more frequently distracted from it, hopefully.
ReplyDeleteYou learn to live with it, and subsequently learn to deal with its fickle Pangs and smarts
DeleteYou could both have been hurt by developing that relationship. I believe there are times when to give an honest answer to a question is necessary to protect both people.
ReplyDeleteIt is so sad and it does sound as if the grief is still so strong and raw that he is not ready to move on in that way yet.
So much better than game playing and the other party wondering what they might have done wrong. That you parted with a hug is a kindness, sending a hug for you John. Sharon x
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteHit home? Naw just deleting obsessional and inane remarks
ReplyDeleteJesus ! John your friggin troll is one nasty piece of shit
DeleteKeith
X