It’s not a pretty sight.
I’m writing my last assignment for Uni and I am in the process of analysing my own counselling skills on film.
I’m finding it all rather harrowing .
Seeing yourself on the screen , warts and all isn’t nice.
No wonder I’m single.
I look a mess
So I have been trying to concentrate more on my non verbals, my ability to paraphrase, recap and challenge. My use of Egan’s three stage model, my use of advanced empathy, my voice, my phrasing and my abilities to make the interaction flow.
Now that feels a bit better.
I see past looking at a fat old man and now , at least, I see a friendly fat old man
With crinkling eyes and a gentle voice
Hey ho
People react at how you make the feel! A gentle voice and a friendly attitude makes them look beyond wrinkles or a stain on your tshirt
ReplyDeleteI’ve brought this “ shock” of seeing myself on film into the assignment when looking at self awareness and objectivity
DeleteIt is a shock to see what others see..in our minds we are completely different!
ReplyDeleteWell done on your study work
It not quite that GZ , but almost
DeleteExactly as Irene says. People see what is in front of them differently when they are shown compassion and understanding ... not that you are anything bad to look at!! But when counselling it's not your dress sense or your stubble that they will focus on when you are helping them, it's the crinkly smiling eyes, the compassion in your voice and the relaxed attitude you give off.
ReplyDeleteI honestly can't think of another person that I would rather sit across from when I need understanding or help.
Most people cannot abide seeing themselves on tv, or film, I’m one of those people …
DeleteI always feel better about things after I've read your words, so I can't help but feel you'll make a wonderful counselor as well. See the warm and kind person you are inside, John, your readers do.
ReplyDeleteThank u Sandy , I’m not too worried about my skills , today’s blog was about how I see my physical self and how that has smokescreened how I was assessing my performance
DeleteJohn - I would seek your support and help any day of the week
ReplyDeleteSiobhan x
Even with gravy down my front lol
DeleteEspecially with the gravy !
DeleteSiobhan x
I'd always come to you for counseling if I could! Don't sell yourself short, my friend. xx
ReplyDeleteI think most of us have body perception issues
DeletePeople never see or hear themselves as others do. If you just do what comes across in the writings on this blog you will make an excelent conselor.
ReplyDeleteLike all of us I’m a work in progress
DeleteAs they say John, it’s what is on the inside that counts and you have great insides! You are already a great counsellor. GG
ReplyDeleteI have a lot of insides too lol
DeleteMy sister is a psychiatric social worker, but she gained her license prior to things like videotaping students. I'm glad that by the end of your post you were seeing more positive attributes about yourself. Please keep on that path and recognize that we see you as caring, kind, generous, empathetic, etc. You will be great as a counselor.
ReplyDeleteNina
That’s what the point of this post, others have lost thread me thinks
DeleteDon't sell yourself short, John. You'll make a great counsellor. A gentle voice, warm personality, friendly smile and a genuine interest in others - that's what's needed, and you've got those in spades! xx
ReplyDeleteAnd a face for radio lol
DeleteI used to feel that way. But one of the benefits of Covid is that I've spent a lot of time on Zoom, and now I've gotten used to the picture of the old geezer attached to my name . . . as long as it's not too much of a close-up!
ReplyDeleteLike tootsie lol
DeleteI don't see you as a fat old man but there's nothing wrong with a friendly fat old man with crinkling eyes. I would love a therapist like that... or like you.
ReplyDeleteYou sweetie x
DeleteDon't be so hard on yourself John. When I see you on your blog I see a very handsome, presentable, kind and sincere man. You have lovely friends that obviously adore you and your kindness and love of your little family of animals does you great credit. A man of humanity and humility. You must be to do the hard job you do. I wish I had a friend like you in my life when I needed it x
ReplyDeleteThank you so,uch but see the below comment
DeleteWe are so unkind to ourselves sometimes. Good for you for actively reframing your harsh self talk. I promise you, the way you see yourself is not how others see you. Now, try convincing me of the same thing!
ReplyDeleteYes , you have picked up on the point of today’s blog, the reframing of things , and the use of skills learned to do just that
DeleteThank you
If you are experiencing a degree of anxiety when seeing yourself on screen, you may need help from a counsellor.
ReplyDeleteI will bare that in mind
DeleteYou are brilliant John. I would 'cross the pond' to be able to sit and talk with you for an hour......or even better, an entire day X
ReplyDeleteI’d bore you silly lol
DeleteOh, we all freak out when we see ourselves on video (or hear our recorded voices!). I think your assessment of yourself is harsh (don't we all do that??) but remember, people who can do introspection and self-reflection are always very harsh with themselves when assessing what they do.
ReplyDeleteThat means you are in the right path. And fat old man? Not a chance.
XOXO
I was very proud of my voice and my use of challenging interventions
DeleteDon't foget, as everyone who appears in screen will tell you, a camera always makes everyone ten pounds heavier. Don't be so hard on yourself. People are model evident in a person who looks real than one who looks like a robot. You are what I would call comfortably handsome. And no amount of tuition can give depth to the eyes and kindness to the personality. People respond to you, not your text book.
ReplyDeleteLol 10 lbs is that all lol
DeleteYour kind, caring voice and smiling eyes will help your counseling patients as much as your lovely, accepting smile will. Fret not.
ReplyDeleteHugs!
That was my conclusion Babs , perhaps I didn’t quite make it clear
DeleteIn my head I'm on a continuum, depending on mood, between 16 and 39. How we see ourselves is, alas not how others see us when we walk down the street. As we age, clothes are a bit of a conundrum too. You don't want to age yourself, but looking like a trendy vicar is also a no-go.
ReplyDeleteI’ve always dressed like my dad
DeleteDon't judge yourself so harshly. You are a handsome man. Treat yourself as kindly as you would treat others. You are doing a fine job. xx
ReplyDeleteI hoped the second part of the blog entry underlined that I wasn’t harsh on myself
DeleteWell, budding Counsellor, let's see how you fare with me should I ever be desperate enough to seek you out. Not that I would unless in search of the last Scotch Egg on earth - which, obviously, you'd have eaten before I could even ask for it.
ReplyDeleteSo here I am, sitting in front of a guy (at sixty you are not old) who sees himself as fat. Which may, or may not, be true. Anyway, what's girth got to do with anything? Look at Buddha.
Your negative self image, in constant need of being propped up by your kind readership, is truly confidence inspiring.
Do I need to bring a rope to hang myself after fifty minutes with you or would you rather I'd hand it to you?
Seriously, John, why don't you just knit tissues?
U
I'll buy the rope AND pay for the,50 minutes.
DeleteJust when we thought we were finally rid of your venom! It must be sad to be you. Joan
DeleteI will let this comment stand as it says more about you than it does about me.
DeleteMy thoughts this morning are mainly clinical, and reflective.
Most of us are not used to seeing ourselves through the lens of the camera and so natural self criticisms are unearthed when you eventually view yourself .
Now my job today was to critique my counselling performance and analyse it carefully . I had to look for advanced empathy, skills of immediacy, the use of three core conditions and other micro skills necessary in the counselling situation and to do so I had to get past “ how I view myself through a camera”
In fact my assignment opening was an exploration of how I did that….I am a fat old man , that’s how I see myself . I’m not after praise or stroking from others , but I needed to get past that to properly assess how I performed and how I utilised my skills .
And do you know what Ursula ?
I did rather well…once I had gotten past how the camera captured my look.
You constantly have the inflated view that you know everyone’s motivations and thought patterns and coping strategies
And simply put you do not.
Today’s blog is a simple tale of how hard it is to see past yourself on film
Nothing more…
Ha ha , absolutely well said john.
DeleteThat woman loves the sound of her own voice too much
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DeleteYour comments were wrong, unkind and not welcome. They also showed remarkable lack of insight about what counsellors are all about . I hope for your health that you don’t continue to read
DeleteLife’s too short to get so wound up about a fairly innocuous blog
I missed the deleted comment from anon but have guessed it’s general content.
DeleteUrsula and I suspect “others” have missed something important here.
You always come across as “ a work in progress” and your honest self examinations are sometimes painful to read. You write about things others only think about.
And that is brave
Thank u
Cath
2 trolls causing trouble
DeleteCath,
DeleteI don’t pretend to be perfect , but I do have self awareness something some readers cannot understand as they seem to think they know me better
Anon
DeleteTwo? Perhaps just one ….why do they bother ? Fuck knows
I am not connected to Ursula or the anon comment from the village that you deleted. You honestly have it all wrong. I have been reading and commenting for many many years. You have had kind comments to mine in the past, once even on my own blog. I am fascinated with people
DeleteI didn’t quite understand this comment
DeleteTo explain why I can’t continue to read your blog after many many years .. I made no personal attack on you, just a comment about my own feelings. Why you would then write your next blog post inviting others to comment on my mental health I don’t understand?
DeleteIt wasn’t clear given the whole Ursula situation and I’m sorry if you feel this way , given the other comments it perhaps wasn’t wise of u to add your comment to the mess of the blog comments
DeleteFeel free to email me if you want to chat further about how Going Gently has upset u
I do wish u well
jgsheffield@hotmail.com
Your email will clarify any confusion
DeleteThank you John. It does become a minefield of comments and my personal reset was just that.
DeleteI;await your email
DeleteNothing arrived ….what a surprise
DeleteWatching yourself on video is useful for honing counselling techniques. Given your nursing background, outgoing personality and interest in what makes people work, I think you will be great.
ReplyDeleteForensicly cutting past the self doubt and body image problems has been a real tonic and positive experience for me today
DeleteI am not sure I would like looking at myself on video either.
ReplyDeleteYes , an honest comment too
DeleteIt's nerve-wracking. I first went through this in London in the 1970s. My reactions to an interviewee were tested with a lovely young man with the largest green and yellow striped mohican haircut I have ever seen. Bear in mind I'm a country-bumpkin! My colleagues in the next room were in stitches. I, apparently, didn't blink! (Our trainers would go onto the streets of London and offer £10 for a few hours of being guinea-pigs, and they picked the most off-beat people they could find!)
ReplyDeleteI loved this story
DeleteJohn, do not ever pull yourself down (unfortunately there are enough people who will do it for you - b*stards) you are a wonderful human being and I would love to sit and chat with you, you are my kind of person. Jan in Castle Gresley
ReplyDeleteI’m not pulling myself down, I don’t like the way I look…but it’s up to me to get over that in anyway I need toxx
DeleteI think you are being too hard on yourself John, it is always hard to watch a video of oneself. But the point here is you are able to watch yourself, see how you did and make a honest judgement of your performance and learn from it. Bravo to you for doing so and sharing it with us. That took courage. Good an ya!
ReplyDelete"on"
ReplyDeleteKindly put jim and I’m glad you understood the point of the blog x
DeleteI had to do a one day training on interview techniques for the press in the 90 s with all male police officers. I was mortified and to this day hate seeing myself in video, photo etc. Good on you for turning the self critique into a learning moment. As others have written I believe you will make a wonderful counselor. It’s a difficult course as we have to confront ourselves honestly so that we can truly engage with and help others. Best of luck, noreen
ReplyDeleteYes noreen , the self examination is a challenge . But a welcome one . But the hard slog is to come . What with my own counselling and with challenging supervision I MAY not be right for it , I won’t know unless I try
DeleteYour last paragraph sounds like a description of Father Christmas and that is not a bad thing! More Ho ho ho than Hey ho! X
ReplyDeleteLol, I’ve morphed into a character version of him , very disarming
DeleteYou'd make a lovely Father Christmas!
DeleteOh, that's an idea for raising funds for the TCA! If you need a friendly elf to help... xx
DeleteDave smith from Byron street is the village Father Christmas and grows his beard especially
DeleteToday's post, and your response to Ursula, gracefully illustrates your innate talents and learned skills which will no doubt stand you in good stead as a counselor. Bravo!
ReplyDeleteI would be so grateful to have a counselor with your talents, skills, empathy, and understanding.
Thank you for that.
DeleteCounsellors are not anything special. But they have a set of skills which can be useful for people in need of those skills ..
John it is always a sobering experience seeing oneself on video - do I really look/sound/act like that? Actors must have the experience time and time again. If you want my opinion (you're getting it whether you like it or not) - the way you are accepted and appreciated around the village, the way you have friends who go back a very long way, the way your animals adore your empathy with them - the list could go on and on. I have no doubt you will be marvellous at the job. Fat? - rubbish - cuddly more like.
ReplyDeleteYes pat, that’s all the post was about ….how you can feel wobbly in one aspect of your life and there lose perspectives in others …
DeleteYou're a gorgeous fat old man x
ReplyDeleteThe best comment yet x
DeleteAnd you Mavis have the most beautiful eyes.
DeleteBeauty comes from the inside.I would love to chat with you and would welcome your wisdom.
ReplyDeleteBarbarax
Thank u babs
DeleteI didn't see the comment but had the feeling Ursula would make a appearance. I think counselling would do her some good as she seems.to be very angry and sad.
ReplyDeleteRed rag to a bull but I can’t pull my punches and not blog about certain subjects
DeleteOh damn, I just saw her first comment. Sick and cruel.
ReplyDeleteRest my case
DeleteWell, seeing ourselves in photos does tend to be confronting - hence the plastic surgery/beauty industry . . . but as you analysed that video, what you saw went far beyond the surface, to something more enduring - a kindness. And, at 60, you're not old John - the best years are ahead. As for Ursula, I skip her comments - I do feel very sorry for her - what a damaged human being she shows herself to be. And sorry for those who live in her orbit - so glad it's not me!
ReplyDeleteI liked my responses , I liked my tone and my carefully chosen questions
DeleteSmiling eyes win me every time
ReplyDeleteThey do to me too…with holes in jumpers xx
DeleteI never really thought about it but you need to accept and love yourself (warts and all) if you are going to teach others to accept and love themselves. Look at that man in the chair, and see him as a good person, just as you see the person sitting in front of you as a good person.
ReplyDeleteOr at least accept my brittle bits and accept they are there
DeleteI once recorded myself rehearsing for a lecture; mostly to check the length, and my logic. I was so embarrassed listening back to the tape, it was dreadful.
ReplyDeleteLol, it’s not just me then xx
DeleteComing to terms with how one looks can be a long and arduous journey. I have been on that journey, and I still am to an extent. Nothing can change the way I look, it is what nature gave me. I go with the flow, with the ups and downs. Distraction is a good tool to have. You will make a good counsellor.
ReplyDeleteIona, thank u
DeleteWe are our harshest critics xx
ReplyDeleteWell after my mother , but that’s another story
DeleteI assume at some point you are independently assessed and vetted and references taken as to your suitability to take on a role of counselling others on a one to one basis? Matt.
ReplyDelete“ Matt”
DeleteThe course is standardised over the uk and you would be requested to join the BRCP which is the governing body for counsellors and psychotherapists. The training is stringent
Not only do you have to pass the required academic work, you have to be professionally supervised by an accredited supervisor who is specially trained in support and training. That supervision you are required to pay for and it’s not cheap. You have to be supervised closely for 100 hours counselling experience and in addition to this you have group work to be reviewed in as well has having to go through therapy yourself with another accredited counsellor .
Your suitability for working at a 1 to 1 level is continuously assessed
BACP
DeleteYou will be great, real people will identify and feel comfortable with you.
ReplyDeleteXx
DeleteAn old friend just sent me a photo, previously unseen by me, of myself at 19. I couldn't help thinking what a sweetie I appeared, and why didn't I realize that, back then, instead of noticing everything "wrong" with myself? I find it the same with all old pics of moi; I didn't like my look at the time, but looking back, I think "If only I'd realized how I appear to others." Anyway, you've obviously realized what your other readers have ... that it's the spirit shining out that is the important thing, and when you have your skills as well ... what a combination! -Kate
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean, when I was 20 I looked like a head on a stick
DeleteVery kind old son x
ReplyDeleteI wish I'd realised when I was young just how good looking I was!
ReplyDeleteI thought I was plain to the point of ugliness. I always walked with my head down, staring at the ground, so eventually became round shouldered.
I was unbelievably shy, yet perfectly able to 'bluff' my way through life, I could fake being confident very well until I was home, then the real 'me' surfaced again.
Then I went on a night out with some work colleagues, and someone took a photo of me which changed how I felt about myself.
The young woman in the picture was lovely, laughing, sparkling eyes, young, vibrant and attractive, but weirdly, she was wearing my clothes, so had to be me, but not a me that I recognised!
I got a copy of that photo, and kept it in my purse for years, just the knowledge that I could look like that helped me immensely, and changed everything about how I saw myself!
It probably took about a year, but every day I became more confident, then I met the man who became my husband, and he thought I was gorgeous, the rest is history.
Now, if I could just be as slim as I was all those years ago!
Of course it's easy for me now, I'm a woman in my mid sixties, and basically we're all treated as though we're invisible anyway, so.........
You know...that happened to me. I have only had one picture taken in my life that I liked. My husband took it. It's on my blog. I need to replace it, really. It's old, but I love that for a time, I was...okay to look at. I just never noticed.
Delete