I last volunteered for Samaritans nearly seven years ago.
Despite excellent supervision and training the calls eventually took their toil and I felt I lost my empathy with some callers which, as anyone in the trade would tell you, is the first sign of burnout.
I resigned and was happy to go
Another sign of burnout.
In my years working for the charity, one call will always stand out with me.
It kind of haunts me, even to this day and can still move me to tears if I think about it carefully enough.
It was from a young teacher, I will call David.
David had had a difficult year. His work had been stressful and many of his class had not achieved the grades that he and they had wanted. He felt a failure, isolated and miserable.
He also, more importantly, felt responsible .
He was sat in his car, near a beach, somewhere in the UK
He had no discernible accent and I could hear seagulls crying nearby.
He was drinking from a quarter bottle of Rum and had, he told me , taken enough tablets to put a horse to sleep.
He had started to slur his words and had cried for much of the call.
I felt as though I was losing him and called a colleague in to listen to the call.
She listened and shook her head and squeezed my hand and told me I was doing alright.
But, I was losing him and I knew it.
He took another pill and I heard him swallow it.
And I asked him about his favourite music, his taste in films, and his best friend.
Anything to engage him in conversation.
Anything to create a hole in his depression.
Every trick in the book.
We had been on the phone together for over an hour and I sensed that he was wrapping up the call.
“ I just wanted to hear a kind voice John” he explained and at the end of my tether I asked him not to go.
But he did go.
With a gentle “Thank You” he ended a call which may of been his last conversation with another human being on earth
And that was the day, I knew I had done enough for the Samaritans .
The recent media narrative of Paul Cattermole, made me think about David and this post
ReplyDeleteI think that it was not the last conversation. We have all looked down that road and for some reason decided to not take that path. I would like to think you were the person that guided him back home.
ReplyDeleteYes perhaps…who knows eh
DeleteI suppose that is the exact reason why most of us would make hopeless Samaritans. It sounds like you had huge patience and sympathy for him, but in the end the person could be almost anywhere, and hope is not always at hand. A very sad tale.
ReplyDeleteI think most people would make ok sams, but for a while. I think there is a cut of point where giving stops …some people dip in and out depending on how they are feeling and that’s ok too.
DeleteYou did what you could, sad though that story is; You Were There - The Kind Voice.
ReplyDeleteVery recently a very highly regarded CofE priest took her life, and has left a huge hole for her family and community. She was a wonderful woman, empathetic, skilful, very highly regarded . . . but in the end, she wasn't able to go on. I'm sad she couldn't find anyone to be there for her in the way she had been there for so many, many people. I can only hope she is now at peace.
I was taught by a nurse to be aware when you are taking on other’ emotions feelings and pressures
Delete“ you are not a sponge , when you feel that you are”
Stop
A very moving post. Sadly so many see it as the only solution. Thank you on behalf of him and the many others for being there. Noreen
ReplyDeleteThank you for your kindness and compassion.
ReplyDeleteMoving post John.
ReplyDeleteI was a Samaritans volunteer- gave up 2 years ago - again recognised signs of burnout/lack of empathy.
That guy sounds like he had made his decision - you provided what he needed at the end.
I agree with you about the good support Samaritans provide for their volunteers, but we are only human .
It’s a job that has its sell by date for sure
DeleteI also think that you provided what he was looking for when he rung. The kind voice and some care. But what huge pressure on the listener who wants to do more for the caller, and who gives something of themselves each phone call until burn out. It's so intense that I am not sure how anyone could sustain that.
ReplyDeleteSome do, I know some special people who have been effective sams for twenty years…they are pretty rare characters though
DeleteI can't begin to imagine what either of you were going through during that call. I just hope that your kind voice steered him away from suicide and back onto the road to recovery. We'll never know, which is sad in itself. I do know, I couldn't be a Samaritan volunteer. I don't have the stamina or fortitude. I'd be a wreck within a few days. So thank you for your time with Sams. People like you are so valuable and underappreciated. xx
ReplyDeleteIve done training in sams too and davids call has been useful in exploring the more difficult parts of the job..
DeleteYou did all you could, and you did it kindly. I've never understood how the type of people who volunteer for the Samaritans can be the type of people who should be a Samaritan. It needs a kind but strong heart and often the two don't go together. My husband has been accepted for training with the Samaritans and I do worry that, as with you, the calls will take their toll. x
ReplyDeleteEveryone can be kind and strong…..but the length of giving is the paramount thing
DeleteHe may have needed to explain to someone his final decision - even though he would not waver - Perhaps finding his peace John x
ReplyDeleteOh John, that was heartbreaking to read, that poor man, and you too.
ReplyDeleteIf he did take his own life that night, he was not entirely alone as the end drew near.
ReplyDeleteNo and you are right there YP
DeleteIt seems to me that he had made his decision and nothing anyone could say would have changed his mind, but he sought, and you provided, some gentle comfort at the end which is what he wished for. I don't believe you could have done any more really.
ReplyDeleteYou never know…….you never know
DeleteI often wonder if it be helpful for call takers such as you have been to hear what happened? That is what happened after the person's call. If it was a case of suicide, would you want to know if the act was successful or not? And if you were told, would that make the volunteer job even harder?
ReplyDeleteThat’s the worst case Andrew, most often the sam in question simply doesn’t get closure on that phone call. Would it help if they did……probably a little
DeleteI have been face to face with suicidal people, but there is always the ability to physically intervene if things got worse. I am not surprised if people can't cope with phone calls night after night.
ReplyDeleteThere is often a natural and almost primeval need to touch the person involved. Like scared chimps do to each other when frightened.
DeleteIf on that night I was able to have touched David physically, I would not have let him go
At the surgery we get at least one to two calls each week from people who wish to end it all. At times it's difficult to deal with especially as we have had no training in the field - all we can do is listen, engage them in conversation and hopefully get them to come in and see someone. There are times they phone in and won't give their names and withhold their phone numbers - it's very upsetting if they hang up on you as you feel like you have failed and there is no way to get back in touch.
ReplyDeleteHow awful, without training and without supervision. Samaritans has excellent supervision which allows for at least some balance mentally to be achieved after a phone call has finished
DeleteA reminder that we all do the best possible,
ReplyDeleteYes…I guess that’s a good way of putting it
DeleteStopping someone with any level of self-destructive behaviour is nigh on impossible. We can help, support, advise. We cannot 'make' others do or not do anything.
ReplyDeleteNo you are right there
DeleteMy brother was a Samaritan for many years but he eventually reached burn out. He used to say that the hardest thing was not taking your work home with you. Once you reach that stage it is time to stop.
ReplyDeleteYes pat, it’s a job you should pick up when you are mentally healthy or at least robust …and to be honest most sams leave, not because of callers like David, but because of the mentally ill callers that swamp the system at times because they have little support and care in the community or because of the hoaxers and sex callers that invade the dark corners
DeleteTrained or not, you'd have to be a monster not to be affected by the abject sadness of others. You're connecting with them and their hearts. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't last very long at that end of the phone.
ReplyDeleteKarla , I think your brief sentence encapsulates it perfectly
DeleteYou gave him the great gift of your attention and care that one person can give another at a critical moment in their journey through life to death. His decision makes us sad but in a sense you gave him what he was seeking by making the call: a connection to another person at that moment in time.
ReplyDeleteYes and sams teaches you that…..
DeleteYou gave him exactly what he needed, thank goodness you were there for him. But it's the reason I could not become a Samaritan, I remember everything and things that leave me feeling that I've not done my best or I couldn't stop something live with me forever, filed away to haunt me when I am low myself.
ReplyDeleteYou did so much good while you were a Samaritan and gave of yourself over and over but you were right to recognise the signs of burnout and stop when you did. Those seven years since you left have gone by so fast haven't they.
In July my ex has been gone 5 !!!!
DeleteWhere are the years going!!
DeleteAnd look at everything you achieved in those five years, gosh you've grown in so many ways ... and I'm not talking about your waistline. ;-)
John when we want to be nurses we want to “fix people and make them feel better . “ sadly there are some situations where the pain physical or mental is too great for us to fix and we can only be alongside that person and acknowledge their pain . You did that beautifully with that young man . It is those moments when we feel powerless as care givers that breaks our heart and makes us feel that we fail and sometimes we need to walk a different path for a while . It’s only in that way can you use your talents wisely as you do . Xx Bernie
ReplyDeleteAnd I’ve always understood that Bernie,
DeleteYou see aspects of yourself in callers like these, and that one hour is as intensive as anything I’ve every experienced
I can see why that haunts you. But you gave him the gift of being the kind voice he wanted and needed to hear at the end of his journey.
ReplyDeletePerhaps haunts is not the word I was looking for. It doesn’t haunt me, but it chills me a little and will never forget it
DeleteSome of your heartstrings are tired to David because you don't know the ooutcome. You did your best and could have done no more as you know. You were there for him as much as anyob=ne could have been. As nurses, we like to know how our patiend did because we care.
ReplyDeleteHugs!
I scoured the local news stations on line of seaside areas looking for news of him
DeleteMy supervisor supported me well through that
John it’s two weeks since my husband died
ReplyDeleteand I am very clear that I do not want a life that does not include him
I admire everyone who works for or supports the Samaritans
I too think that you gave David exactly what he needed - even at a terrible cost to yourself
I hope David has found peace
Siobhan
To Siobhan, I felt just like you right after my husband died, but believe me, little by little, you will start to come out of the fog. The days of crying will be less and less. I still don’t want to live without my husband and it is now three years and I do still have days were I cry for him. Some days it feels like it happened yesterday and some like forever ago. Just hang in it will get better. Just remember, you were loved and he would like you to be happy again. GG in Toronto
ReplyDeleteThank you for responding GG
DeleteGrieving him, missing him , is the hardest thing I have done in my life. Thank you for the hope
Siobhan x
Siobhan
DeleteYou may find ringing Samaritans yourself, useful. Experienced sams don’t judge or advise , they LISTEN . They listen to your hurt and grief.
Grief is all encompassing as it is such a big love with absolutely no where to go. It’s floating and totally overwhelming and talking, to someone you have no relationship with at all, sometimes releases the pressures you carry like a time bomb
You describe it perfectly John
DeleteSiobhan x
You were kind to do that good work and be there to listen and help if you could. I wonder if calls can be traced now to find where the caller is and get medical help to them before it is too late. Can technology do that yet?
ReplyDeleteIsn't the whole point of the Samaritans that someone can call anonymously if they want to? If the Samaritans were then going to trace calls it would no longer be private or anonymous. Often people ring anonymously because they just need to hear another human voice, others because they're in despair, but the service is anonymous and shoud stay that way. The Sams can offer advice or advise where to get other help if needed but only if that's what the caller wants.
DeleteYes , and that is the strength of the Samaritans is that it IS ANONYMOUS and therefore it attracts callers who are serious in their need to end their lives but who want to be touched by another human before that happens.
DeleteIt also attracts many sex callers too, it has to be said
You were there on the phone for David exactly as he wanted. Your compassion and kindness was what he needed and you knew exactly what to do. Life is very sad sometimes.
ReplyDeleteIt is sad , and I get it, it’s sad……I was just reminded of the whole situation after reading about Paul cattermole
DeleteYou did what you thought necessary, as you alone could do. No one on earth can do everything, for every person. Some will some will not. Let it pass, move on.
ReplyDeleteSometimes you move on Dave but you never forget. I always feel when I reflect on personal thoughts like this one or my own personal grief , or reflections from the past you always seem slightly irritated by it.
DeleteWell, you did all you could. It's a shame there's no way to know for sure how that story turned out.
ReplyDeleteVery occasionally we would find out. Sometimes as a volunteer you would be asked by the caller where you were located and it was perfectly reasonable to tell them ( often some callers felt safer talking if you were not local to them)
DeleteI’ve had messages forwarded on to Rhyl branch by ex callers
Perhaps he hadn't "taken enough pills to kill a horse" as you say you talked to him for an hour. Surely the pills would have taken effect before then and had cardio effects? The slurring of his voice could have been the result of the whisky.
ReplyDeletePerhaps, those were his words not mine.and many such calls are indeed a need to share pain and for validation . But as an experienced Sam, you get to feel where the serious calls are coming from
DeleteNo words on this one John - except you really should write that book.
ReplyDeleteVirtual hugs to the black one.
I think it was a call for help rather than a serious attempt at suicide. Would someone intent on taking their life describe how they had "a quarter bottle of Rum?"
ReplyDeleteQuite simply, in my experience, yes
DeleteIt sounds like a valuable service. Few people take the time to listen anymore.
ReplyDeleteListen properly …I agree
DeleteI think anyone who volunteers for Sams is incredible, but I absolutely understand how it can break you. Arilx
ReplyDeleteI volunteered for Sams in Leeds for some years even when I was in a vulnerable mental state. It felt good to be able to listen to people when no-one was listening to me. Thankfully life is better now but I bet the people who rang didn't realise that they were actually helping me.
ReplyDeleteI’m glad it helped you Gilly but the screening process let you down , as it should have been rigorous
DeleteSo sorry for your experience, John, but you did as well as you could. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteMy heart breaks for you both. Once again a story bold , a story told.
ReplyDeleteI had a similar experience as a Samaritan years ago and my heart goes out to you and 'David'. I don't remember the details of the call but I do remember gripping the handset as though that would hold on to him, wishing I could reach through the phone line to him and absolute desolation when the caller ended the call. xx
ReplyDelete