My husband left back in the summer of 2018....three years this summer and I’ve been thinking for a good while now that I was still a bit stuck with the anger of how he left rather than the why he left.
I’ve already written about my recent approach to his mother where hurts were put to bed so it only seemed Common sense that he and I finally had a dialogue of sorts sans blame and anger.
The impetus for me to initiate the contact came from a recent video call I set up with a dear friend who has a cancer. He had lost considerable weight since our last meeting and I blurted out the fact as soon as I saw him......like a broken hearted loon . Our conversation ,as conversations always do with friends that are deeply loved, then descended into gossip and chat and laughter but the call left me with the aching reminder of the fragility of the every day and underlined the pointless nature of prolonged anger and hurt when a relationship goes south.
The dialogue I had today with my ex husband The “ Prof” wasn’t prolonged, but it was to the point. It was honest and most importantly .....and by celebrating the good times ......it was mutually kind.
Time to swim on.........in that big river......
Peace and perspective.Easier said than done. Easier suggested than exercised. And the incentive finally was, again, yours. You are a good man, John Grey, and wiser than you know.
ReplyDeleteI haven’t felt like a good man in a while.....I feel ok x
DeleteThis statement makes me worry
DeleteYou are a good man, we see it.
DeleteMay the summer of 2021 be full of joy and new discoveries for you.
ReplyDeleteAnd for all of us
DeleteGood for you John. I hope that conversation at least brought you some closure!
ReplyDeleteIt has,.......and some peace
DeleteA good move John and a brave one your part to instigate it.
ReplyDeleteDear pat.......I had been the looser for a long time ......he had already moved on ages ago xx I needed to do the same x
DeleteHopefully by the time he moves on again you will be able to see the relationship for what it was...next time don't ignore those tell tale signs...choose someone who is deserving
DeleteSometimes the other person refuses to discuss it which I've found not only to be upsetting but also frustrating x
ReplyDeleteThe time difference has allowed a dialogue x
DeleteThat's good. x
ReplyDeleteDeArheart it is ........I feel so much better x
DeleteYou have managed to generate the movement to help set yourself free. Your heart must feel lighter. Just reading this made me feel so much relief and happiness for you. Look out world - John has been set free. Ranee (MN) USA
ReplyDeleteX thank u
DeleteThat children's choir is incredibly sweet, I don't know why I find it so touching.
ReplyDeleteIt’s a lovely song
DeleteMe too, I had tears in my eyes. Loved the way they each moved and interpreted it in their own way, and such a great variety of children!
DeleteYou are right. Life is too short to hang on to bad feelings.
ReplyDeleteTime to let go ......
DeleteThe best is yet to come
ReplyDeleteWell done you.
ReplyDeleteYet another big bridge crossed.
It is always good to retain friendships with an ex if at all possible, that's for sure. Nothing ever heals if there is no debrief on neutral ground, but a lot of the time the exercise is pointless. Hopefully not in your case. Money usually gets in the way, of course.
ReplyDeleteCongrats on doing that John.
ReplyDeleteI'm delighted for you. That's an important milestone John. It took courage, as well as honesty. I hope Spring brings new beginnings and warmth into your life. You're a wonderful, and good, man.
ReplyDeleteAs the initiator of this delicate and complex conversation that has brought closure as well as the ability to move on... a new era will begin. Splendidly done.
ReplyDeleteTo be able to remember the good times and not the bad, I have found is the most liberating of feelings. People tell me I look at the past with rose coloured spectacles but that suits me fine. xx
ReplyDeleteExcellent...the choir, the phone call, and the acceptance. x
ReplyDeleteIn time perhaps you can be good friends with the Prof and any new man/men in his life. I've seen that happen all the time in the LGBTQ+ community. For example, 2 of My Rare One's exes are in our social circle and we are all friends, often getting together for house parties or holiday meals like Christmas, Easter, etc. (though obviously not recently during Covid).
ReplyDeleteGlad that you were able to have that conversation, hard though I'm sure it was. Press on with my best wishes.
ReplyDeleteBravo!
ReplyDeleteUnfinished businesses only make us bitter. Also, moving on is the best medicine there is...
XOXO
I often think about reaching out to my ex, Billie. My feelings for her are still very strong. I don't know if I can do it without it bringing me to tears. Thanks for showing me it is okay to reach out. One day I will.
ReplyDeleteI am so happy you had your chat and both were kind. Acceptance is such a huge step to allow for you to be happy with your life. You are are such a good guy John.
ReplyDeleteClosure. We sometimes need the talk to have it.
ReplyDeleteYou were very brave to make the call. I'm glad to hear that your conversation today has helped you reach an understanding, feel better, be more at peace, and be ready to move on. No hurry: baby steps still take you forward.
ReplyDeleteHugs!
Wow. Just...yeah. It was time.
ReplyDeleteI have to say that it took my ex thirty-five years to tell me that he was sorry for all the crap he did to me. I had thought with all of my heart that I'd already forgiven him but those words meant more than anyone could know.
Good on you sir.
ReplyDeleteKindness is such a simple word but when given you get so much in return, you practice kindness everyday in your work John.
ReplyDeleteForgiving is a lot harder and I'm not very good at that.
I can almost hear a world wide sigh of relief for you from your many followers. It's such an important thing to do but it takes your kind of self awareness and empathy to initiate it xoxo
ReplyDeleteIt takes a lot of courage to step out like that. At my daughter's wedding, my ex was there. He was sitting by himself at a table with his father. What I felt was sorry for him. I was able to go sit with them and visit. My husband came over and sat down too. It was a profound moment to realize that all the baggage was simply gone. I am sorry that you do not feel like a good person. I can tell you true: you are.
ReplyDeleteThe first step is always the hardest. The last time I saw my ex he told me what a good mother I am. Unfortunately he isn't willing to go so far as to acknowledge his crappy attitude toward raising daughters.
ReplyDeleteBrave x
ReplyDeleteA person who is wronged by a trusted one cannot help but feel anger and hurt.
ReplyDeleteI spoke to my ex-husband for a little while on Dec. 31, 2020. I thought we made some progress, but he quickly went back to being an ass. I hope your experience gives you some lasting peace.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Janie
Events that play with one's emotions are hard to forget. The best we can do is accept, and live with, them. Not easy.
ReplyDeleteIt probably feels like an age to you but I think you've recovered really well and quickly given how you were blindsided. Xo
ReplyDeleteVery well done you. It takes immense courage and empathy to do this with the knowledge that it could be rejected. You should feel very proud of yourself, you are a kind, courageous and very intelligent man. Warm hugs ~ Ro xx
ReplyDeleteSo happy to read this. You have my admiration.
ReplyDeleteGood to hear.
ReplyDeleteAlmost 3 years since Colin left me too - wish I could talk to him just once more.
Good for you John, xxx Another load released.
ReplyDeleteNow onwards and upwards.
Kathy
Now you can float in that big river John. Lay on your back and gaze into the future x
ReplyDeleteYou were very brave to contact someone who hurt you so much. Once the jitteriness after the phone call ended you must have felt a bit better.
ReplyDeleteAnd YES you are a good man, a very good man.
My contribution, perhaps intrusive and unwelcome, would be to say that everything would probably have been worse for you both if he had tried to stay while increasingly unhappy. But it is of course a great shame that both being happy was not an option. The Future starts Now, always. Take it and shape it. Bon Chance!
ReplyDeleteThat was good..my ex would not talk...just silent phone calls which scared the children. When family met he stood apart. Now time has moved on . At least the children tolerate him, those that he sees.
ReplyDeleteYou are both wise enough now.
John well done. I hope the dialogue has released the last of the gremlins for you abd that you now have a measure of peace and serenity. We each of us are different abd you are an honourable man living your best life on any particular day. May it also get rid of the monkey on your back. Please now breathe and give yourself permission to fly. You are a light for many people and your ordinary may well be someone elses dream. You give so much a lot of the time without realising it. Having the last word can be liberating especially when its on your own terms. Hugs dear John x
ReplyDeleteYou are brave to do that, and a good man. Hugs xx
ReplyDeleteWell done.
ReplyDeleteWe manage to get through heartaches, pain subsides with time, and we go on to new joys, but that ache is never completely gone. I have a dear friend who left her emotionally abusive husband for a new love. He also remarried and it seemed like everyone was OK. Years later, he got cancer and passed away. While speaking with my friend, she told me how hard she took his death and how very sad she was. They had once loved each other, and although they could not live together and loved others, he still remained a part of her heart and some cherished memories. Accepting that the prof will always be tucked away in your heart, that your good memories will always be, is not a bad thing. There are beautiful times ahead for such a lovely man like you, dear John, and you have made a great effort in swimming on. We all know love will come your way again.
ReplyDeleteMy resentful memories seem to have erased any happy memories of the time I spent with my ex-husband. We were together for 33 years and raised 5 great kids but I cannot really think of him without his alcoholism tainting the life we had. I have many happy, wonderful memories of my children but him - not so much... I am glad that I do not need to speak to him.
ReplyDeleteGlad you feel better after your dialog. A needed part of your moving on process, Good Man!
It's a relief, isn't it, when you can let go of the hurt and anger? I'm happy for you, John. I'm glad it only took 3 years to get there. Sending love, e
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
DeleteHow unkind and how telling that you're anonymous!
DeleteYes, I had one of those conversations with my ex as he was dying. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteThat's good that you were able to have a positive exchange with Chris. Celebrating the good times is the right way to go.
ReplyDeleteThank you all for your comments , you all must know that I can’t reply to all......
DeleteJohn, life can be so fragile and in an instant it is changed forever. I wrote last week on my blog about a former student of mine that took his life. It upset me of course, but the melancholy lingered. So I went into my school computer google drive and found some of the writings he did for me when he was in my class. I found the perfect one. I printed it, then sent it to his parents this afternoon inserted inside a sympathy card. It made me feel better. I don't know why I drifted onto this topic. I guess my point is that it is good to let anger go. Life is just simply too short.
ReplyDeleteWhat a kind and thoughtful thing to do.
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