A friend of mine shared that they were sexually abused as a child, just the other day.
His eyes were dark and pained , even though he was smiling
The comment was almost hidden within another comment on another subject but it was there and screamed within a sentence like an Opera singer's High B
I've heard many confessions like this before. Being a former Samaritan it was an almost commonplace event on the phone lines
But it was only a second such sharing I had ever received from a friend
And I paused for a moment
Thinking carefully on how to respond.
" That was a brave thing to share" I told him after the pause
He nodded and made light of everything so I asked if he wanted to talk about things
"Not now!" he told me firmly
And that's where we left it
There is so much pain hidden away in some people
The secret of it sometimes showing in their eyes
His eyes were dark and pained , even though he was smiling
The comment was almost hidden within another comment on another subject but it was there and screamed within a sentence like an Opera singer's High B
I've heard many confessions like this before. Being a former Samaritan it was an almost commonplace event on the phone lines
But it was only a second such sharing I had ever received from a friend
And I paused for a moment
Thinking carefully on how to respond.
" That was a brave thing to share" I told him after the pause
He nodded and made light of everything so I asked if he wanted to talk about things
"Not now!" he told me firmly
And that's where we left it
There is so much pain hidden away in some people
The secret of it sometimes showing in their eyes
So true John….none of us know anyone else's back stories - unless we/they choose to tell.
ReplyDeleteHow's your guts? x
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My husband was a victim and although I don't know the details I do know who the bastard was (now dead). My MiL doesn't know any of this and I've had to listen to her sing the praises of the bastard and I've not been allowed to say anything. I've noticed my husband mentions it a bit more as he's got older.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing, I don't know just what the point of my blog was today apart from sharing my inadequacies
DeleteIt wasn't an inadequacy at all John.
DeleteBy acknowledging that you had heard what he said and understood it, and then asking if he wanted to talk you have left an open doorway for a future conversation that will be able to be started in a much more relaxed and less worrying way by your friend, when the time is right for him.
Ok , I knew what I was doing but the fact he is a friend did complicate the discussion
DeleteI also felt suddenly emotional
You will handle it the right way no matter what.
DeleteHe knows your there for him when he's ready.
I understand this Andi and your frustration at having to listen. At least your husband has been able to share with you.
DeleteYou're right John. You never know what's behind the veneer of happiness that many people shelter behind to conceal their pain!
ReplyDeleteLiving with the memory of sexual abuse is a very heavy cross to bear and victims carry that weight throughout their lives. The pain transfers itself to others - including sons and daughters who may arrive long after the dark episodes happened. As a caring classroom teacher, I had to work with several children whose innocence had been shattered by predators - mostly family members. I am just so thankful that my wife and I were never sexually abused and equally thankful that our children never experienced such horrors.
ReplyDeleteI sort of know what to say, and how to help
DeleteBut I shall never be able to show empathy
You are right. We can only show genuine empathy when we have kind of "been there" too. Sexual abuse is so alien to people who, as children, never even knew it existed.
DeleteYorkshire pudding, you're thankful your children never experienced such horrors but you can't be 100% certain that they didn't.
DeleteNot a soul knows of my "horrors" in my childhood, I'm nearly 70 now and haven't told anyone, the shame of it hangs over me and clogs up my throat even now. My abuser was my own father (now deceased) an upstanding citizen who was well liked, a "family" man who would do anything for anybody. It was standing room only at his funeral, many people said what a wonderful man he was. My mother was totally oblivious to the fact he was a monster. I was threatened that I'd to tell nobody and I was so scared I didn't. The abuse only ended when he was killed in an accident.
I hope indeed your children are safe but nobody can ever be certain of what goes on behind closed doors. Or elsewhere.
Anon
DeleteThank you for sharing here
And rest assured and for what it's worth you have scores of people here that would want to help you if they could.
Your childhood was robbed and you alone had to deal with that
I am so sorry
Dear Anonymous,
DeleteYou were courageous to share this very private information here. I feel both sorry and sad that you couldn't find someone to share this with many years ago. It wouldn't have obliterated those memories but it might have helped you to feel less alone. Well done on reaching 70 in spite of your father.
Kind regards,
Y.Pudding
I have a friend from school who was abused as a child by her adoptive father. She doesn't even have a veneer of happiness, she has been fucked up for her entire life because of him, is now an alcoholic, never leaves her flat. Hers is a very sad adoption story, not one of these happy ones at all. The sort of thing that went on in the early 1950s, organised by the Parish priest. She doesn't speak to me or anyone else anymore, her hate overflows to everybody.
ReplyDeleteHow people's lives are shattered
DeleteShattered often for life.....
I was very close to her until just a few years ago and when she told me about it she was always dismissive, just that she hated him and she hated her mother for never doing anything about it and never opened up much. She hates the Catholic Church too for all sex cover-ups that went on and that she was expected to go to Mass with her parents every week. Her mother is still alive but my friend will have nothing to do with her. Her mother is a sweet woman now in her 90s and not able to see bad in her husband or believe that it ever happened. When I found out I realised why she had never introduced me to her father when I went to their house as a child. She hated him. He would be in the other room but the door was never opened.
DeleteSo many sad stories
DeleteThe mother may be a sweet woman but she should believe her daughter and realise that the pain of abuse has destroyed her life but equally damaging is the fact that the person she should be able to trust and confide in does not believe her. She has essentially been abused and let down by both parents. That's so sad.
DeleteI have had two middle aged female friends share with me that they had been raped in their teens, something they have told next to no one. Sharing is a sign of trust.
ReplyDeleteI'm my professional experience the fact abuse has occurred is often just thrown out casually waiting for a reaction
DeleteSharing what he did when he did, shows that he knows he can trust you implicitly. See my comment above about you not being inadequate in your response at all, you have proved that you can pick up on when he is ready to talk, perhaps a little bit more.
ReplyDeleteYou do not always need empathy to be able to help someone who has been abused sometimes just a total mildly sympathetic listening ear is all that is needed with a nod and a touch of the hand in the right place. Having been on both sides of this I do speak from experience, sadly.
Xxx
DeleteHe definitely trusts you. Men very rarely talk about the sexual abuse they've suffered when they were children. There's a stigma attached to it that's even stronger than the stigma attached to women survivors.
ReplyDeleteI think all you have to do is show him that you're there for him.
XOXO
We held hands for a short time
DeleteIt was very emotional
I think your response was perfect.
ReplyDeleteBeen there and I'll never ever tell anyone. I'm in my older years now and it's still thought of every day.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous today.
Thank you for sharing.
DeleteIf you want to talk you know where I am
But I guess you already know that
Once a Sam always a Sam.
ReplyDeleteThe training is so good, I guess
DeleteYour response was spot on. You left it up to him.
ReplyDeleteI was in a position of hearing many peoples' life stories, and know that most people carry pain of one sort or another, affecting them to different levels and at different times. The experiences that are common to most of us are easier to talk about. Some experiences are despicable and often endured with a lifetime of silence.
He trusted you. That's an honour.
Male sexual abuse is one of the last taboos
DeleteIt also features highly in high suicide rates in middle aged single men
child abuse (in any form) is not an easy thing to discuss. been there done that in therapy. mostly gone from my head.
ReplyDeleteAM ( hugs)
DeleteMy twin brother was abused by a third cousin who was ten years older than him. We did not learn of this until my brother went into a deep depression in his late teens. The abuse and the depression have plagued him all his life til this day at the age of 74. Sadly, despite getting professional help, his coping mechanism was rage and anger. He did have periods of more contentment but nothing like a "normal" life. He is currently in a nursing home and my husband and I are his sole supporters. It's very sad.
ReplyDeleteThe abuse of one boy has such a sad ripple effect on him and his family for a lifetime and probably beyond
DeleteDespite help
I think that so many of us think that therapy helps which obviously it can do, but for many the damage, irreversible damage, has been done
I met an old school friend one day, years after we had last seen each other, and she told me that her and her sister were abused by their dad. Like you, I left it to her to open up more if she needed to.
ReplyDeleteHer I hugged. I wanted to set him on fire.
You noticing what he said and "picking up" on it and not just dismissing it,as many would do was a great kindness and your friend I'm sure would feel comfort as now he knows he has a someone to listen if and when x
ReplyDeleteIt wasn't until a close friend was out of high school, that she told me how her father had come into her room at night at the age of 12 and began fondling her. She evidently fought him off and sought help from her mother the next day--only to be told by her, "Well, how do you think I learned about sex?" To say I was stunned is an understatement. That was more than 50 years ago and was my first encounter with abuse as my parents were loving and supportive and I was never subjected to any kind of abuse. Explained why she hated her parents and fought with them all through school. I didn't like them either--they were cold, self-absorbed and mean. She survived by her own strength of will. Once she had children of her own, she would not allow them to be alone with her parents and eventually cut off all communication with them. The only thing you can do is listen with empathy and allow people to share at their own pace and comfort level--as you did.
ReplyDeleteOmg what a passive and awful statement forva damaged mother to share with her daughter
DeleteA terrible example of how abuse leeches into generations
He must really trust you sharing that. It was an important step I feel.
ReplyDeleteYes sol
DeleteJohn,
ReplyDeleteI think what you said to him was perfect. And you are right, eyes are the window to one's soul. I am pretty good at reading eyes, probably from years of teaching teens and preteens. There are things in my life that have happened to me that I've told no one about, nor have I written about it. Too painful. But, when I think of them, my eyes are a window to what I am remembering. This guy is lucky to have you as a friend.
In your work I suspect you have had a few children you need to share but who find it incredibly hard to do so
DeleteArticulating pain like that from abuse must be incredibly difficult
Last week I started to read The Boy Who Was Raised As Dog...and other stories from a child psychiatrist's notebook. By Bruce D. Perry I had to put it down after about 20 pages. I just couldn't read it...it was so disturbing. I thank my lucky stars this has never happened to me.
ReplyDeleteNo. We have no idea just how bad things are for others.
DeleteAll we can be is " there" for them
Just there
Ursula , all of your posts willl be deleted without being read
ReplyDeleteI will publically remind you in front of all of my readers that I don't want you to comment here and the fact you have been banned
DeleteYou are a mature woman who can understand English
I cannot make my instructions any more plain.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
DeletePlease just stop . I do not want you here now please have some self respect and leave me alone
DeleteHe has a true friend in you, John. He clearly trusts you. xx
ReplyDeleteI have the feeling that we all have at least one friend who has been through this terrible abuse
DeleteI remember reading Janet Street-Porter saying that when she was about 14 she told her mother about some uncle (l think) being sexually inappropriate with her and her mother slapped Janet's legs and told her off for talking dirty!
ReplyDeleteTimes have changed, but l so wish there was a way for kids and teens to 'out' these perverts and not have to keep these goings on secret, possibly for life!
Teach kids to talk openly about everything and we will go some way to a better society.
Tess x
Yes there must be nothing worse in the betrayal stakes as not being believed
DeletePeople quietly live with so many past traumas. It's astonishing, really.
ReplyDeleteAnd they survive despite them
DeleteAnd that is a reason why we should never be quick to judge anyone.
ReplyDeleteYes pat......I'm waiting for a troll to comment on this one
Deleteim 57 and am still expected to shut up about things that happened to me as a child , our family for the most part live to be a vast age and my abuser died a couple of years ago in his 90s slowly and painfully , im not the only one in the family he damaged and it does stay with you for life
ReplyDeleteWith just this snippet of people of a certain age it's shocking to hear so many abuse stories
DeleteYour response sounds pretty damn perfect to me. You acknowledged what he said and you left it up to him whether he wanted to continue the conversation. Both are such empowering things.
ReplyDeleteAnd of course it was emotional. I have wept with and for callers in similar circumstances, and this was a friend which brings another layer to the mix.
Thank you.
Feeling the emotion means a connection
DeleteThis issue engenders sheer outrage in me. I've wondered over the decades if "the sins of the father are revisited to the third generation" (from memory, so pardon, please, any mistakes) that's in the Bible might hint at this tragic horror.
ReplyDeleteJohn, I'm glad you heard your friend and were able to give him comfort and affirmation.
Hugs to all
The comments speak for themselves do they not?
DeleteThey certainly do and I wish the hugs weren't only virtual just now.
DeleteHugs!
I would love a hug from you babs
DeleteFor now, this will have to do ... :)
Delete(((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))
I agree on both counts: So much pain. And it often shows in one's eyes. I couldn't even tell you how many people I've known personally who suffered physical and sexual abuse as children. I had a good friend years ago, who I met when she interviewed for a job. When she smiled her eyes glowed and she lit up the entire room. But when her face was in repose, it was devastating. She was unrecognizable. We quickly became friends and she told me a bit of her story, and I understood those eyes.
ReplyDeleteI recognise your description . It brought tears to my eyes
DeleteAnonamous for this post. Not talked about enough is the damage done to a child when the child is not believed. It takes immense courage often years into the abuse to trust someone. To be labelled a liar, distasteful and untrustworthy from 8 years onwards by my Mum, Dad and stepfather did more damage than the abuse.Then I was taken to my abuser, my dad's brother-in-law, my uncle, to show what a liar I was. Luckily it stopped at 9, my parents had split up when I was 7 and access stopped when my father went abroad to live.My mind now has given me no memories of the abuse I know drugs were involved as dry cleaning machines make fumes that to this day make me panic, anxious and claustrophobic. I have very few memories from the ages 6 - 9 years. Not believed also by my Mum and stepfather classed me as an invisible non person, deviod of any love and hugs and a liar my whole life. I never visited the uncle again until my Dad came over in 2000 and we visited his relatives together. My Dad still had distate for me so with my uncle and his family I acted normal after all I had convinced myself that I was a liar. On our own for 10 minutes I felt panic when my uncle kissed me on the lips and in his bath robe inappropriately cuddled me. Now a grown woman of 36 I still could not believe I was truthful. I was glad when the visit was over I would never repeat seeing any of them again. They have never lived locally to me. Eight months later, after my visit the uncle committed suicide. He was being investigated by the Police for current sexual abuse on children in his care (he was now a registered childminder).He left a suicide note - I don't know what was in the note, I found out he had died by chance, was not invited to the funeral and disowned. I will always live with the guilt that maybe I could have stopped him and because I did nothing I will have to live with that. Years later in 2012 after my second breakdown I told my family about the abuse was diagnosed with schitzo-affective disorder (depressive) due to childhood trauma. I have a fear of people, cannot answer the phone,front door or go out and need all of my meds.A prisoner. Note- I have a loving small immediate family around me so will be ok. Typing this I still believe that I won't be believed! John, thank you for believing your friend, no judgement, just love and caring emotion. You probably did more for him in those few seconds than you know x
ReplyDeleteNo further comment but thank you for trusting us all to read your words x
DeleteIt is the first time that I have ever had the courage to write it down and admit what I have written above. Thank you John:) I have noted the samaritans number below and I am fine. You can now delete my post. It is in my past now.I just for once needed to get it out of me. I know it won't make sense :)
DeleteI will leave it , if that's ok, to give courage to others
DeleteThank u x
The good thing is that he has now shared it and he knows you are there if he decides to open up more about it. A good friend to talk to about such things is worth his weight in gold. XXXX
ReplyDeleteI think it's important to add than the Samaritans can be contacted free on 116123
DeleteOh yes ... definitely. My brother-in-law is a Samaritan XXXX
DeleteI like him
DeleteThe post and comments make me want to cry. I can only imagine the horrors written here. Stolen childhoods, ruined lives, it's so very sad.
ReplyDeleteI think the fact that your friend added the word "now" to his decision may be important. Maybe in time he will feel like saying more.
I agree
DeleteI always remember while working as a class room assistant an 8 year old who had just been fostered by a local family opening up to me out of the blue about her birth family. Not sexual abuse but physically and mental abuse to her, her brother and what had happened to the family dog. I just sat there, not sure what to do apart from listen, nod my head and say oh dear. The teacher left us there while the children went out to play. I had to ask later if I had done the right thing, might sound silly but it was quite traumatic at the time.
ReplyDeleteA good friend's second wife was neglected by her teenage Mother and then sexually and physically abused by her step father. Her Mother just turned a blind eye.
She was a clever lady with a good job but was a functioning alcoholic, never felt good enough. Their second child was born early with a few complications which she blamed herself for. No one was able to help her, we had not experienced the things she had, we could listen but not totally understand. I think counselling made things worse, she said it was like a giant filing cabinet having a the files just thrown on the floor and not knowing how to put them back in the right place. Tragically, after going out one night unnoticed, she got very drunk and died, leaving a child of a year and a four year old.
I expect your friend felt comfortable just opening up to you.
Wow.......just wow
DeleteAnd here we are...I can sadly put my hand up as a survivor of sexual abuse when I was 9. Thankfully for me my abuser was a stranger and for years I blamed myself for the abuse; I belonged to the Girl Guides at the time and one of the mantras was "to help other people". This person told me he had lost his dog, I believed him and went with him to help him find the dog. I told my parents despite being told if I did he would find me and kill me and my family, there was an investigation and no one was ever held accountable. At the age of 32 I sought counselling, it was the best thing I ever did. I was in an abusive relationship for 25 years and thought I deserved it. It still took me a further 7 years to realise I didn't. I left all my abuse behind when I left the relationship at 39. I no longer think about any of it with any pain but I realise I may be one of the lucky ones. Thank you for listening to your friend; the door is open for further discussion should he so wish.
ReplyDeleteJo in Auckland
Jo, thank you for your honesty
DeleteThank unx
I think the saddest, most heartbreaking, gutwrenching conversation I had was with an 8 year old girl in a Behaviour Assessment program. She had been raped at the age of 6 by an 'uncle' and had all the 'help' available. She was raped again at the age of 8 by another 'uncle'. She had the most haunting eyes, deep, deep pain. She had been caught sexually abusing a 4 year old and after much discussion she said she did it because 'they' (social workers, child protective services, police etc.) had told her after the first rape that 'It would never, never happen to her again'. When it did she said she should do it to someone else so they would know what it was like. She spent many, many months in residential assessment and thank goodness for good therapists etc. she was placed in a good foster home and they ended up adopting her. I often think of her, 30 years later, and wonder how her life turned out. I'm sure the memories will never leave her.
ReplyDeleteThis post breaks your heart
DeleteYou have already done something right if he felt he could share with you.
ReplyDeleteThe bastards who commit such crimes have no idea what pain they leave behind. I had a very good childhood, so it infuriates me to think that so many don't have the same.
ReplyDeleteI'm pleased that your friend had someone to talk to about it, even if he didn't say much.
ReplyDeleteA school friend of mine disclosed sexual abuse to me not so long after we left school, I am starting to wonder if my response was reasonable, I was a lot younger and less educated then
This whole blog entry is sobering not because of my words but because of the commentators
ReplyDeleteIn this tiny snap shot of Blog humanity
There was so many, too many, tales of abuse
How common it is
I debated whether to post anonymously but instead will simply say i understand what your friend did. I'll also say I don't know why, but from the time almost since i can remember, i've had many people open up to me and tell me things they have never disclosed to others, including the abuse they've suffered.
ReplyDeleteIt explained a lot about why they acted as they did. It taught me there's a whole lot more to the story than most let on.
I'd been thinking about this a lot recently with the nearly mandatory mask mandate the governor in our state is implementing. Well, in the more populated counties of the state and those that are along the coast, which includes my county.
She did word the original executive order that people who had a medical reason why they couldn't wear a mask were exempt. I got into more than one discussion with people who did not like it when i said the reason why someone cannot wear a mask is not always obvious to the observer. Not only early stage COPD, borderline hypoxia, and sometimes asthma as causes but also trauma and abuse.
In nearly every conversation, IF they agreed at all with the trauma/abuse, they dismissed it with a "well, that's not that many people."
And here my blood boiled, Waved away, as if it didn't matter. As if THEY didn't matter. When i was in a store before the pretty much mandatory mask thing although many were choosing to wear them (and many judging and condemning those who weren't), I saw a young woman who, like me, wasn't wearing a mask. As I approached (but still 6 ft away), she reluctantly put a mask on and as she did so, I saw that fear in her eyes, and my stomach turned. I'd seen that look when more than one person confided to me that she had been choked by an abuser. The look was immistakeable. She had her mouth covered and was fighting with herself to cover her nose.
"You don't need to put that mask on for my benefit," i said and smiled. "I can turn my head aside when we need to pass in the aisle." (This was before they had the one-way aisles in the store.)
Relief flooded her face, and her eyes started to fill with tears.
It strengthened my resolve to stand up for those who are just trying to get along as best they can. When i see people in the store without masks, and yes, i know some are simply being recalcitrant, I cut them slack. Even one who's most recalcitrant may be covering up something really horrific through his bravado. And in this season of lockdown, I suspect abuse and domestic violence has sadly been more rampant.
Thank you for sharing x thank u
DeleteLife is so difficult at times, it really is.
ReplyDeleteAll we need to do is not not make it worse for others.
Reminds me of that song 'Smile though your heart is breaking'.
Let us just try to be kind to everyone we meet
Just being there for your friend and leaving the conversation open for another time no doubt gives comfort knowing he is in a save place with you.
ReplyDeleteTo many times a confidential secret can turn into gossip when told to someone who doesn't feel the pain so no wonder that it is hard to open up to just anyone.
I feel for all the brave people who have shared their stories it has been a tough read, your all heroes in my books.
This comment has been removed by the author.
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