Wednesday, 18 September 2019

Over A Gin


My initial meeting with the Irish psychologist led to another later meeting over a gin and tonic.
He was at the stage I was when I came on holiday last year 
When his relationship break up was raw and ragged and pain filled.
He talked and talked and talked 
and then he cried for a bit

And I found myself holding the hand of an almost stranger in a bar on the beach

" Do you know what the worst emotion is in all this?" he asked finally
" It's shame" I told him and he nodded a cried a bit more

After a while I changed the subject a little and told him the story of my recent mastectomy patient who got her bra rubbed around the wrong way causing her prothesis to perch on her back like Quasimodo's hump.
It lightened the mood . 
We have arranged to meet up again for coffee
Despite his emotional mess , he is bright and interesting .
I think we both made a new friend yesterday.


39 comments:

  1. Who was the new friend? Juan the barman?

    It's good you are there to help the Irish psychologist to articulate his emotional damage. Such talking is itself healing I think.

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    1. I so want to say Paddy the publican... but I won't :-)

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  2. New friends pop up when you least expect them to. Then they turn into bunny boilers. At least in my world.

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  3. Anonymous9:41 am

    Shame is such a wasted emotion and I am sure it is not present in all cultures. You were committed to your relationship and marriage. There is no shame in that. You gave it your all. Cx

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  4. I am glad for both of you that you have made friends.

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  5. As you've found, it's not possible for one person to 'make' a relationship work, so there shouldn't be any shame at all, as long as you know you did your best. It's all any of us can do. Interesting that you see his 'stage' though. It means you're already looking back, having come through it.

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  6. Real conversation, is something the world needs more of.

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  7. Good on you for helping him to lighten his load. There is no shame in feeling grief at the loss of a relationship.

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  8. Is he anything like Niles Crane of Frasier,I love them both?x

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  9. High hopes for an ongoing connection then.

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  10. Grief has many emotions and you are correct that shame becomes part of it. Moving past it is part of the process and it is hard.

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  11. Barbara Anne2:32 pm

    Neither of you has anything to be ashamed about. The breakups were done unto you both so the shame is on the doers and not on the heartbroken.

    You are proof to your new friend that he can survive his sorrow and flourish as you've done.

    Hugs!

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  12. In G & T veritas? (I doubt if there ever was a Latin word for 'gin' - nor 'tonic').

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    1. I kind of think gin has to do with juniper ... so ... in iunipero veritas? There's probably a whole different phrase for tonic water. ???

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  13. Anonymous2:59 pm

    Love how this stranger on a train sensed you would have an empathetic ear ... and you are becoming friends. My heart welcomes people and their stories .,. But I must have a “leave me alone” face, as strangers typically leave me alone.
    Cali G

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  14. I am so glad you met one another. You already helped him and you can also realize just how far you have come in your own healing.

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  15. Ah. I misread the mood of your post yesterday. Sounds like this person is actually interesting -- which changes things entirely.

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  16. I'm sure as he learns of your journey to normalcy it will give him hope in his journey. I lost the love of my life in April to cancer and my Mom a month later. I find comfort talking to friends who have experienced such pain and thrived. Role models are everywhere if you look and listen.

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    1. Jan B, my husband died suddenly and living in the big house was too sad so I moved to Florida to be close to my mom.
      She died 3 days after I arrived. I remember the time I stopped and wondered Who will I lose next...as always Time seems to be healing the pain...hugs to you.

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  17. Like Steve, I too misread the post yesterday.

    And as much as shame SHOULDN'T be a part of a breakup, it still IS. It's the feeling of being "not good enough" for someone important in your life, and it takes time and work to overcome. I'm glad you're able to help this man, and hope that the friendship brings both of you comfort and even happiness.

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  18. So glad I found this blog. You are such a lovely person.

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  19. is he's gay? (she said hopefully)

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  20. I understand all too well where shame comes in, especially as the fellow was in an abusive relationship. Having survived one, I know what that feels like. The average person who has not been in such a situation doesn't get it and usually blames the survivor for not leaving sooner or whatever course of action they think one 'should' have taken. Each relationship is different. Getting away is hard. Surviving is a triumph, but it doesn't come easy.
    Thank you for taking the time to be there for that guy. A new friend is great reward for compassion.
    xoxoxo

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  21. " Do you know what the worst emotion is in all this?" he asked finally
    " It's shame" I told him and he nodded a cried a bit more.

    He'd noticed your Croc bejewelled feet.

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    1. Does John own a bedazzler to snazzy up the crocs?

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    2. Iris you are a fucking hoot 😂

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  22. I had a friend, Mary, who let me talk and talk while we hiked. She is a good friend.

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  23. I see mutual benefits here John and am so glad you have found one another.

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  24. Hi John, Lovely to see you paying it forward and helping someone when they need it the most. I knew you would and perhaps a new friend to boot. Good on you. Life is for living take care and enjoy the break. Pattypan xx

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  25. Shame is such a sad word it's painful especially when the other person walks away with no regrets, you are better than this and have come through famously and this gentleman is lucky he found you to talk to.

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  26. My best friend and fellow countryman was who I confided and talked to. We had both experienced life through similar circumstances, I could rely on her sympathetic ear at all times. She left this world in January this year, and today is her birthday, the first I haven't celebrated with her in 46 years.
    Friendship and compassion is one of life's shining moments, glad you were able to share one with your new friend.
    Hugs
    Jo
    X

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  27. I am glad you have met one another although I am sorry for what you both have been through. Shame should not be such a common emotion in this situation but I know I felt it too when I was divorced. When he left me I felt like I wasn't good enough.

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  28. We can all use a few more friends. He's probably grateful of the chance to talk to someone who knows. -Jenn

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  29. This is just good news for both of you.Well, perhaps better for him, just now.

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  30. I deal a lot with shame, more than guilt, in my patients.
    By the way - what sort of gin?

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  31. nothing like being understood. you gave him that.

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