I'm 57 in four weeks
57 in gay years equates to being more or less invisibly moribund .
Like most things in this world the gay world hasnt got room for old poofs.
When my father was 57 he looked and acted old
He didnt wear T shirts with zombies on them
He didnt wear trainers and hoodies and he didnt meet friends for a flat white or had a babminton match with a man almost half his age
But now my hair is grey like his was.
I have the aches and pains he once complained of and although I am not yet exhibiting his round shoulder stoop,
I suspect I now feel as invisible as he perhaps did in the early 1980s
But fuck it...eh?
57 in gay years equates to being more or less invisibly moribund .
Like most things in this world the gay world hasnt got room for old poofs.
When my father was 57 he looked and acted old
He didnt wear T shirts with zombies on them
He didnt wear trainers and hoodies and he didnt meet friends for a flat white or had a babminton match with a man almost half his age
But now my hair is grey like his was.
I have the aches and pains he once complained of and although I am not yet exhibiting his round shoulder stoop,
I suspect I now feel as invisible as he perhaps did in the early 1980s
But fuck it...eh?
John, it is hard getting older. I look in the mirror every day and wonder where the time has gone. And being single doesn't help! But I do believe that age is also a mental state too, and you sound like you are quite the active person with tons of good friends. You aren't invisible in my book!
ReplyDeleteDitto mick
DeleteNot ditto. It can be great getting older. Much less future to worry about and why care too much about the anxieties of the day when you might be dead tomorrow. FFS cheer up!
DeleteIt happened to me mid fifties. Not only did the meeting of eyes in the street that lasted a micro second too long stop, eyes just did not even see me at all.
ReplyDeleteYeap!
ReplyDeleteAndrew got it right. Yep Andrew from me too.
DeleteThere are huge advantages in becoming invisible you know. You can get away with so much more, I find.
DeleteI had a lot of that feeling of invisibility around the time I turned 60. Sometimes in stores I felt so invisible I thought I could be a spy, a shop lifter, a super villain, or a super hero, but had no idea how to go about being any of those beings. So I just continued to be me.
ReplyDeleteIt was a strange stretch of time, but I'm 65 now and have gotten used to that feeling of being shrouded in a cloak of invisibility and seldom give it a thought anymore. Somewhere along the line, it just stopped being an issue.
You will never be invisible to your friends, or your sweet pets, nor to your patients. They always see you and your kindness.
Invisible is as invisible does. Spit it out. Do not be it and you won't be it. End of advice from an old lady about the age of your father, I think. 76. Take it or leave it.
ReplyDeletexxoo-Joanne
Lol thats me told
DeleteI would go ahead and say something like ‘age ain't nothing but a number’ but I know that it wouldn’t change your mind. Yes, there are some things that are just not the same. One thing is being twenty and zero body fat and another being over fifty. Yes, dating changes, but so does our outlook. Being (or looking) youthful does not guarantee anything. IMHO men over forty are very attractive. It’s an attitude, I guess. If you feel attractive, you’ll look attractive. Now, if what you want is men in their thirties, I guess you’ll have to go on DaddyHunt. Google it
ReplyDeleteXoXo
Ive seen the video with BJ Gruber....its a sweet fairytale
DeleteIt’s a fairy tale just like anything else. That’s the whole point of it. Feel it, and you’ll be it? Was that The sweet transvestite from Transylvania?
DeleteXoXo
For what’s worth, I think you’re handsome. I’m sure there’s more men who’d think the same. So there.
Shucks xx
ReplyDeleteThe question is . . . invisible TO WHOM? Young people? Of course we're invisible to them. Older people were invisible to us when we were their age. Circle of life, John, circle of life. But we're NOT invisible to those in and around our own age group.
ReplyDeleteGood point well made
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteTake two! Agreed, Debra, we who are closer in age see each other. Mini tangent: It takes special effort, speaking from personal experience, to seek out and foster inter-generational relationships. I have one friend about 20 years older and she's a treasure. At 49, I already feel invisible to many on the street, but I mostly don't mind...mostly.
DeleteI was just going to say what Debra said. The young people don't see us, but WE see us.
ReplyDeleteyou are only as invisible as you allow yourself to be. perhaps to 20 somethings but at our age, why would you want to have to deal with a 20 something twit?
ReplyDeleteI too am invisible. Which for an introspective watcher has some pluses.
ReplyDeleteWhen my dad was 57 he'd already had open heart surgery and still have two teenagers at home. Poor bugger.
ReplyDeleteI like the invisibility of being older. Women are objects to look at their whole lives but we become invisible at a certain age and I love it.
You are gorgeous and don't you forget it!
ReplyDeleteI keep reminding myself that I became a Great granny at 65. My grandparents were 10 years older that me when I was born!
ReplyDeleteMy old body still creaks and aches, but hell, I stacked about half a cord of firewood today!!!!!
At least you made it to 57 before it happened - for women it happens at a lot younger age. Patiently waited for a salesgirl (and I do mean girl) to be free at the Chanel counter - waited and waited for them to be finished with 3 women their own age who took a ton of time and then left, buying nothing. I waited and waited - I knew exactly what I wanted, had the money ready but had to have one of them get it out from behind the counter. Two others came out from the back room and now all five of them ignored me. Finally asked very loudly if I was invisible! They all seemed very startled to hear a voice calling out - told them to stuff it, that I'd go elsewhere to spend my money!
ReplyDeleteHang in there - sometimes being invisible can work to your advantage.
Well done Margie!
DeleteOh, come on now, Illegitimum non carborundum. This is your story. You write it and make it a good one. There are a lot of good days ahead of you.
ReplyDeleteI turned 68 yesterday and am just a bit taller than 5' and know there are 12 year olds who are taller than I am. So what? My feet touch the floor when I'm standing up and there are lots of things in life I still enjoy doing. Age is what you make it. I do, however,seem to have my mother's old lady hands. Sigh!
ReplyDeleteYou're already okay, really.
Hugs!
Just you wait till you get to my great age, bloody aches and pains all over!!! But the brain stays young; hooray.
ReplyDeleteI'm 70... I still wear jeans every day..and ride my horse every day! You're a young guy! Stop feeling sorry for yourself!! Lots of cool old gay guys where I live!!!
ReplyDeleteim not feeling sorry for myself
DeleteGod to hear!!! Go have fun! I love all of the things you do!!
DeleteGripes 57 is young John you have a lot of good years ahead of you it's amazing what you can accomplish when you get to my age and I plan on living a lot more.
ReplyDeleteI saw this interview the other day and it woke me right up. Julianne Moore challenging the idea of older women becoming "invisible" (watch from about 19:20):
ReplyDeletehttps://m.youtube.com/watch?v=5qA1v-i8SGI
thanks Alex
DeleteHope to see you soon!
Well John I am 60 but in my head 21. Having young people around me at work is helpful (call centre banter), as it's all in the mind and is how we perceive ourselves rather than how others do. Why do you suppose women lie about their age?!! don't be 57 getting on a bit, might get a stoop - try only 57 lots of fun, very fit, available and a good laugh (which you are on blogland).
ReplyDeletethanks for that
DeleteJohn
(old fairy)
Yep, I hear ya. Im 57 in 6 wks. I am slimmer, slightly fitter than my mother but greyer. I am 'invisible' but I don't mind - it suits my clothes. Husband aka 'The FW' has aged hugely and looks more than his 65 years. He has also aged in his mind too, that is a worry as his father had Alzheimers. Take care John, you are leading a better social life than we are. x
ReplyDeletePS Son is well and happy/engaged and Alfie is well happy/keeps chasing the cat!
give him my best wishes
DeleteI'm 52 and quite relieved to be invisible. Now I don't have to beat off the teeming throngs of admirers! hehe x
ReplyDeletePs This was a joke. I have never been lusted after by the many.
DeleteI'm a 70 year old woman and I have never felt invisible in my life. Get a grip, son. At 77 you'll be looking back and wishing you were 57 again. As my old mum used to say, the best is yet to be.
ReplyDeleteremember Ruby in Bake Off?
Delete"get a grip Ruby, get a ruddy grip"
Smile, it works .. Smile at someone and they generally smile back. Say something nice to someone and it makes their day and yours. I smile at and talk to everyone so I am not invisible !
ReplyDeleteThe trick is to keep on changing and evolving and taking a lively interest in the rest of the world. The big mistake is to assume you're old and past it and get stuck in a dried-out mental rut. I'm 72 and I'm still full of passion and curiosity.
ReplyDeletedirty sod
DeleteAll these people around the same age who are invisible. Why don't we make a pact to talk to each other???
ReplyDeletegood point lets start a new trend
DeleteCompared to some of us you're a mere chit of a child. That helps, no? Thought not! :-)
ReplyDeleteyou are a tonic raymondo
DeleteWithout a gin 'mixer'!
DeleteMy parents both died young, at 43 and 54. I am grateful, every day, for my greying hair, the aches and pains, even for the comparative invisibility - but the others are right, it's all about attitude, although I'm not sure why you imagine yourself invisible in those T-shirts you favour!
ReplyDeleteI do think we become invisible
DeleteI think its the way of things
Our parents aged much quicker than us, I'm almost 10 years older than you, but as they say, age is just a number. As for your age and single, loads of people find love in their 50's and 60's, so it too early to dicide this is it.
ReplyDeleteI wasn't alluding to love......I don't think I could venture into a trusting relationship again
DeleteOh I so hope you will eat those words one day.
DeleteI've just turned 60 John...struggled with it... but then realised my sister-in-law died at 40 of breast cancer and a fabulous friend died at 46 of liver cancer...getting older is a privilege denied to many...embrace the middle aged gay guy and just get on with living. I see you John Gray :-)
ReplyDeletePerhaps you should get yourself a big, purple hat?
ReplyDeleteI said hat.
DeleteInvisible? Me? Never!
ReplyDeleteHaving been slim all my life I must admit I hated piling the pounds on at menopause. They're slowly coming off now (at 60) but I can't say I feel invisible. I'm perfectly content in my own little world and couldn't care less if other people don't see me. But I have a wicked sense of humour and people seem to like that so I don't ever really feel invisible. Plus I'm not the slightest bit interested in pairing up again so maybe that helps. The other thing is, most of our generation still have our own teeth whereas our parents' generation usually couldn't afford the dental work and false teeth are so aging (especially when they're sitting in a glass of Steradent)!
ReplyDeleteSorry for the double post, but a few years ago I was on a Solos trip to Cuba. Standing at the bar waiting to get a drink (ok, propping up the bar), when a lady in our group seemed quite upset. She was quite tiny and had been standing waiting to be served for ages while others seemed to get served ahead of her. She walked over to our group and said "tell me, am I invisible?". I looked at our tour guide and said "did you hear something"?
ReplyDeleteI'm 72, female and 5'10.I have longed all my life to be invisible but people continue to be startled when they see a very tall old lady.....you don't see many of them about (which is slightly worrying!) Any more out there?
ReplyDeleteYes, Fuck it, with a capital F! Besides, didn’t you get lucky recently? SOMEBODY saw you! But admittedly, I’ve regularly felt invisible since my 40s.
ReplyDeleteAge is immaterial. We are what we do, what we think, how we make the world a better place. Keep going, doing, enjoying.
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel but remember that you have a wonderful heart and that matters a lot. Other people can see that in you. Briony
ReplyDeletex
For me it's been just the opposite. As I've aged, I've grown in confidence and it feels like that gives me a larger presence that does get me acknowledged and noticed much more easily than in my younger, more self-conscious years.
ReplyDeleteaging is not for the meek.
ReplyDeleteMany people feel invisible. It isn't really about age. That fellow who gave the talk to the Samaritans did when he was much younger. The "fat" girl in high school. The clerk at the checkout register in a big box store. Or the teller at the bank. A dishwasher at a restaurant. A quiet neighbor in the village. I turned 57 in December last, but never felt more invisible than those times we moved to a new area when our sons were young, I didn't know a soul, and their dad was working 70 hour weeks. People noticed my kids... not me. So, yes, older people can be invisible. They aren't alone, though. Which is why it's good to make a point of noticing all the invisible people in the world. It makes you less invisible when you do. Just sayin'.
ReplyDeleteBeautifully put!
ReplyDeleteIn love they probably don't though.
ReplyDeleteFuck it? That's exactly what most gay men usually do x
ReplyDeleteInvisible or dismissed. We are all invisible in this big world but I don’t think you could ever be dismissed. From Maya Angelou, “I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”. Don’t worry, John, you are a force and are loved by many and what could be better than that. Now move on and enjoy the ride.
ReplyDeleteAs my father, who is 87, likes to say about getting older, "Consider the alternative."
ReplyDeleteHoney, I can't actually See you but I see you. Every word enables me to see you , to hear you and appreciate you.
ReplyDeleteYou need to run away for a little while. Your world just went through a major shift and you need to recuperate.
When my husband died, the first thing my attorney told me was Not to do anything , no big decisions,no big changes.
So like the good girl I am, I sold my house and moved to Florida.
Listen to everyone but do what you feel is best.you are the only person who knows what that is.
listen, sweetie, 85 is OLD. you are but a mere child. LIVE IT UP!
ReplyDeleteBravo
ReplyDeleteI have followed in my father's genetic footsteps, too, but I've got a decade on you, whippersnapper!
ReplyDeleteDon't worry and have some fun!
I'm 57, too. Never having married or had kids has sort of made me forget generational differences, except recently when I was on a LGBTQ Facebook chat line and someone asked me if I was a "gamer".
ReplyDeleteI once played Pac-Man.
Absolutely fuck it. We've all worked hard to get to whatever age we are - enjoy. I think that old poofs are vastly underrated.
ReplyDeleteI hung around with a bunch of young people this weekend, all with their heads in the cloud, and those damn phones in their laps. Believe me, you feel invisible in their midst :)
ReplyDeleteYou live a full life John, enjoy it, and try not to dwell on the aches and pains.
HUgs,
~Jo
A positive outlook, lots of good energy, and a friendly, cheerful smile can do a lot to overcome invisibility feelings.
ReplyDeleteI am 70. Lots wrong with me but I find if I smile at everybody they smile back and away you go.
ReplyDeleteCould be worse John, Try being a woman over 60!!!Invisibility is my super power.
ReplyDeleteMove to Palm Springs lots of hot old poofs there. Your accent would have everybody falling all over you. :)
ReplyDelete14 years ago, my eldest son became a Grandfather, making me the Mother of a Grandfather!!! How ancient do you think I felt at that time. However, I am about to swap my tent for a Campervan so that I can continue my camping passion. Age? Pah!
ReplyDeleteThe invisibility resonates tremendously.
ReplyDeleteI think most people, gay or straight, sometimes feel some form of invisibility. My mom used to complain about it. She always said, "When I was young, men held doors for me. Now they slam them in my face!" It's a sad truth of our society that we worship (wrongly) youth. But we have wisdom on our side!
ReplyDelete(By that last "we" I mean older people, obviously. :) )
DeleteBloody ignore the lot. Age pains and all. Just be you. xx
ReplyDeleteI felt invisible until menopause. I became more confident, then suddenly I didn’t give a shit about what others thought. Now I’m the 72 year old, grey-haired woman in the queue that speaks up in a loud voice to open another teller window/checkstand/whatever. I’m not fading into the night like my parents did.
ReplyDeleteMy friend and I joked about joining the Red Hat Society (red hats, purple clothes) we certainly wouldn't be invisible then!
ReplyDeleteI thought you knew, we will never grow as old as our parents did.
ReplyDeleteGetting older is totally shitty, but it is what you make of it. I'll be in jeans, t-shirts and sneakers til I'm 90. And I'll carry on bleaching my hair until it all drops out đŸ¤£đŸ˜€đŸ™ƒ
ReplyDeleteYes, fuck it indeed! Do you and do it superbly and without apology! Old Age is a privilege not afforded to many and I've found it to be supremely liberating since the fucks I give are few at this Season of Life past 60! *Winks* May you have a Memorable Birthday... and wear whatever you like... I myself still sport Old Hippie Attire from the 60's and Dreadlocks.
ReplyDeleteHad to add this John... my Dear Old Mum gave me the best advice about the Aging Process, she always said it was better to be Looked Over than Overlooked, so she was extremely flamboyant clear into her 80's and NEVER Invisible to anyone, not even the Blind! And, she always said Women especially lied about their Age in the wrong direction... Mum always ADDED a Decade, that way she was certain to get a sincere compliment! *Winks* It works... now I'm over 60 and utilizing her Sage advice firsthand.
ReplyDeleteI think it is a mind thing, my favourite Jenny Joseph's Warning -
ReplyDeleteWhen I am an old woman I shall wear purple
With a red hat which doesn’t go, and doesn’t suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals, and say we’ve no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I’m tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick flowers in other people’s gardens
And learn to spit.
You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go
Or only bread and pickle for a week
And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes.
But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
And pay our rent and not swear in the street
And set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.
But maybe I ought to practise a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.
It so touches the spot
I think.a lot of people missed the point of this post.
ReplyDeleteMost probably don't Rachel. We all know what John is in the midst of. Lost love isn't easy at any stage of life. And we do live in a youth oriented culture, but perhaps less now than in the 1980s. Plenty of older people today find romance or companionship... if that's what they want. There are even aps for that.
ReplyDeleteThis happened to me in my mid 40's.....something felt off until I realized what was happening.
ReplyDeleteDebra made a good point. Of course younger people will not notice your existence.....why would they? We live in a 'youth oriented culture'.