Saturday, 18 August 2018

Boring Oneself

Broadstairs 


I'm boring myself now, which is probably a good thing.
But for 18 weeks now I have cried every single day.
It's not a melodramatic cry. I'm no Scarlett O'Hara
But it is more like a daily " welling up"  a rush of emotions that occurs when a particular piece of music is played , a certain scene pops up in a movie or a certain advert dives under your emotional radar.
I am fed up of trying to shake away blurred vision, a blotchy face and that here we go again exasperation bereavement plonks on you out of the blue.
It's a bastard .....bereavement .
I know  all this, Indeed I pride myself on my emotional intelligence, but 18 weeks isn't a long time in the great scheme of things to realise that your husband has chosen a life which is now different to the one you previously knew and that he has gone alongside with shared way of life , family and home.

Intellectually the blocks are in all of the right holes .
Emotionally my head is at times like spaghetti.
Yet I know what to do
Keep busy, get a job, sort out the practical things,
Enjoy friends, keep busy, try to roll with punches,
Keep busy, let things go, remember the good, keep busy,
Be pragmatic, let go of anger, keep busy....

It's just the doing  which is sometime hard.
So this is my cathartic post, a bit like yesterday's but with a little more honesty.
Real life is more less exhausting than this necessary emotional romp of grief, and that is what I have to get back to.
My husband is no monster here, I would never of married him if he was a monster.

Mary has to be picked up from the groomers at 11 am and I've got some shopping to do before I ve got to help a colleague at Sams complete some interviews for new volunteers.
The village community Association is holding a treasure hunt this afternoon which I may go to if I can conscript a co pilot and I have got to see Flower Show Ann regarding our zip wire day, which we will be doing for charity ( coughs into hand which I expect every reader to donate on line to! )

Ann has warmed me that the " heavier" participants on the zip wire have a small parachute attached to them in order to slight slow their decent down.......I know I am going to resemble one of those refugee food drops in Africa where the tons of supplies are crash landed into the jungle ! 

I may go to the cinema later today, William is doing mighty fine , so doesn't need watching too much.
Onwards and upwards, so they say....
I'm not promising myself or you, that this will be my last emotional romp in blogland
After all  Birony was right when she quoted

"“When sorrows come, they come not single spies, but in battalions”




But it will the last for now....




159 comments:

  1. It is difficult for me to comment because I am very sad at the moment. But one day if it will pass for you so it will pass for me. But today it feels like a big IF. And it did yesterday too.x

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  2. hugs John
    Its good to express it. Look after yourself.
    Kathy

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  3. It'll all take time, to get over and get used to, but always remember, you've done nothing wrong.
    Get out there, hold your head high, you know in your heart that you're worth more, much more than this hand of cards you've been dealt.
    That your life has changed is in no way your doing, and as much as it hurts that your husband has 'moved the goalposts', it's exactly that, he moved them, not you.
    So, pull up your big boy knickers, plaster a smile on that lovely smiley face of yours, and start your new life. X

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  4. No comments or words will stop it hurting ..... just keep close to all of those who you love and can depend on and maybe watch loads of comedy shows for a bit of light relief. XXXX

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  5. Just let it out on these blogs, JayGee. It's something special when we're hearing you emote and it's good that you're 'using' (in the best possible sense) this avenue to release your inside pressures. What would really be scary for us is if you stopped. Please don't.

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    1. Anonymous2:26 pm

      Again, what Ray said.
      More love from Amsterdam

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    2. I agree with Raybeard .

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  6. In bad times I tell myself I'm just floating on a huge wave that will eventually reach the shore.❤

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    1. That's an excellent way to look at the bad things, thanks for that.

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  7. It's the mundane things in life that see us through the days, sometimes. One foot in front of the other, until you look back and see how far you've come. Have fun where you can along the way.

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  8. I've been in the same place as you are, John. Gritted my teeth, cried when I needed to, thought my heart would break but it didn't, each day seemed a mile long, felt lost, bewildered, and every other emotion you will be feeling. It was like going through a long tunnel, but gradually the light at the end of that tunnel appeared, and when I eventually emerged into the light it was to a brand new life, which was actually much better than the previous one I had been living, and I went on to meet someone who has become the other half of me. I kept moving on through all the pain, and became a better person for it, and am glad of that episode (one of several) when I was in the darkness because it forged and honed me. In love and light, Vx

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  9. how do we yanks donate to your cause?

    BTDT re: what you are going through right now. I second raybeard.

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    1. I shall post links to our " just giving" page very soon

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  10. It will pass John. And that fact that it hurts so bad means that it was great for a time.
    Keep on keeping on, and eventually a different way of life will be the new normal. Xx

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  11. You must feel as though every part of you is bruised and battered.That your heart and guts has been ripped out of you.It is such early days John and it does take a long time.Its a long and painful time...but one day,you will feel better.Promise.Love to you and all the furries.xxx

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  12. You are strong and we are all proud of you. And remember we all love you.
    Peter

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  13. John. As you know, I have been there twice but both times with the death of my loved one and I am sure that is so much easier to deal with than rejection which is a b****r. You and Rachel are buddies - you can support one another. Everyone who replies on here or even just reads your blog is fighting your corner with you. If you have a bad day then write about it on here if it helps. But go to bed thinking tomorrow is a new day - and take those four legged buddies with you if it helps. Every time you have a good day (even if it is only part of a day) then give yourself a star and one day I promise you the stars will shine again and there might even be someone else out there to share you life with you.
    Meantime - love to you and keep up the good work. xx

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    1. That is so beautifully expressed...and we really are ALL here for you, to listen to you and to hear you and offer virtual hugs whenever you need them. You are a wonderful man and you are handling this with so much grace.

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    2. Weaver put the words in a better order than I ever could. Even if it's just via the cyber world, we are all here for you, and we care. xx

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    3. Wise words of experience Weaver.

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    4. So well said, your emotional intelligence and grace shine through.

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    5. Weaver expressed it better than I could.

      cheers, parsnip and badger

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  14. The theoretical approach to grief is one thing, actually living through it is quite another.
    I admire your dignity

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  15. And sometimes you have to know when to be un-busy.

    When to walk with one dog, thinking as a dog ... 'look at that tree, I'm walking with Dad, look at butterfly, what is that noise'. Turn your brain off.

    Lie on the grass watching clouds. Sit on the bench at the top of the village and watch the view. Get outside of your thoughts, memories and moods ... and just be.

    It's hard at first but we'll worth mastering.

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    1. I love this Sue!

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    2. That's some fine advice, Sue. Well worth remembering.

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  16. I can't say it better than the others. Big Hug, John!

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  17. Maybe a scotch egg binge would be nice too.

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  18. Sending love to you. I'm thankful William is doing so well. May today be really kind to you.

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  19. Scotch Egg binge AFTER thw Zip Wire jump, though.
    Just hugs, John and every sympathy for the way you are feeling. Heart ache is a physical pain, aptly named - but it does fade and eventually disappear. xx

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  20. Over the years I have noticed that you do indeed possess more than your fair share of emotional intelligence. Hell - it's largely what drove you into a nursing career and later into volunteering for The Samaritans. Hang in there my Welsh friend. You are doing fine.

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  21. It's all been said above. Keep on keeping on

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  22. Folks will say they can’t bear their troubles because ‘it’s just one thing after another!’ But I can ‘do’ one thing after another. The bigger buggeration Is when all the crap is happening at once. In my experience anyway.

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  23. You don't bore us, John. Your honesty, and courage in being so publicly honest, is incredible. xx

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  24. This may well be a comment best left unsaid until the cold hard daylight, but aren't your many devotees owed some sort of explanation beyond the house is for sale and we are divorcing. Of course I don't mean personal stuff, but there seems to be a huge gap in your blog. Not my business, but maybe there is a brief summary post you could write. I feel great concern for you, but when I am in big strife with my partner, I cannot focus on even writing a blog post. You aren't doing too badly and you have the support from so many.

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    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    2. I agree with CC that "owed" maybe the wrong choice of word. Although, I suppose what Andrew means is that when we take an interest in someone, following them on their daily travails for years, indeed glimpses of private matters and, of course, really care for someone, we would like (some) gaps filled. Let's cut to the chase: I suppose what we really wonder is why the break up happened - not, of course, that it takes much imagination since there are only two possible explanations, maybe a third.

      As to the house, as far as I read it, when selling up was first mentioned (some time last year) it was because because John and Chris had planned to set up tent in a more cosmopolitan setting; this was long before any cracks became apparent.

      Well, John, should I have just won the contract to write your biography with my little submission above, giving proof of my superior research, do let me know. :)

      To keep it simple, hug,
      U

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    4. Lisa R2:18 pm

      Erm...'U' aren't you the one whose been telling people not to be so nosey!!

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    5. Andrew et al.
      There are things that have to be private. Perhaps one day we'll all is said and done discussions can be made, but not now.
      A line has to be drawn between the public and private and that's I've drawn that line .
      I owe not one thing to anyone here, and certainly no explanations need or even should be given.

      I also fairly dislike the assumption that if I was truly in " strife" I wouldn't be in a state to share the written word.
      I have been silent for quite some time regarding this subject, and that was causing more problems than not.
      Andrew perhaps your comment should have waited until the cold light of day.
      And Ursula please let me answer ( or not if I choose) my own questions. It's not your place to answer for me.

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    6. Probably.

      And I am not "nosey", if you mean poking around in other people's affairs. In my experience if and when someone is ready they'll come to you on their own accord. And if not, that's fine - being a pretty private person myself I expect to not be privy to every single detail of someone's affairs - of the heart or otherwise.

      All I was pointing out in response to, mostly CC, that there is no denying the fact that people curious (which is actually different to being "nosey"). It's natural; show me one of John's readers who wouldn't be, let's say, "interested", just a teensy weensy bit, in what led to this shit bat crazy turn of events, then you have got a liar on your hands.

      U

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    7. My "probably" answer was directed at Lisa.

      Your and my comment must have crossed.

      I take your point re "let you answer". I am sorry. I was actually in two minds whether to send what I wrote - because there sometimes there is a fine line between the wish to help and support, and maybe going a little too far. I hoped you'd take it in the spirit it was meant (I even included a smiley!).

      Wishing you a good Saturday afternoon,
      U

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    8. Please in the future do not answer for me. I'm 56 years old and quite able to do so on my own and in my own time

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    9. Anonymous5:47 pm

      Well put John. I admire your drawn line between public and private. It is your call as to where that line should go.

      traveller

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    10. Lisa R6:28 pm

      Ursula duck, take a chill pill.

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    11. You are so cool, Lisa.

      U

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    12. Anonymous7:40 pm

      It is not anyone's god freakin damn business. You owe nothing here, we love what and when you post. Yet another Sue.

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    13. Lisa duck, you a Stokie?

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    14. I admire your dignity John. It's your life, your blog and your prerogative.

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  25. Grief is the price we pay for love. It feels too expensive some days.

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  26. You know I’ve followed your blog for some time via FB, though only caught posts by chance; just my erratic social media engagement. Messaging you by FB or Mesenger feels clumsy and impersonal when I know what a difficult time you’re going through. So I have joined your blog - my first blog ever - I feel very 21st century! (Testimony to my lacking experience is that it’s taken me 3 attempts to post this and I keep getting it wrong - if this goes wrong, my next post will say: ”this is the 4th attempt....”, and so on....) anyway, just wanted you to know I’m paying attention and sending love xxx

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    1. Lovely to have you aboard Sue... you are most welcome

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    2. Thanks! Good to be here :)

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  27. It's your blog, write what you want when you want! Sending a virtual {{{HUG}}} your way.

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  28. Broken hearts take time, but heal and make us stronger.

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  29. You'll get no trite "blah blah blah" from me. Just sending you love. Oh, and a warning to wear "appropriate" trousers on the zip line. My niece's mother-in-law, a very large and always inappropriate woman, wore baggy nylon shorts. And every photo was a crotch shot -- from below, dead center. AND... she shared them all on Facebook.

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    1. Might make me look bigger?

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    2. Since laughter is the best medicine Mitchell, can you block out her face and share one?

      Why yes my dears, there is room in my handbasket... XO

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    3. John: Better bigger than... well, trust me... Better bigger.
      MissFifI: I'll take a look but I'm not so sure I should share it!

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  30. There's that quote I hear over and over again, "that a heart can be broken, but it goes on beating just the same." It's true. I wonder how mine continues at times. Your post reminds me that for both of us, our lives will somehow go on, and our hearts will mend.

    I cannot wait for the post about the zip-line. And please let us know if you scream like a school girl! :-)!!

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  31. I saw a documentary today about the Himalayas and a zip wire that the locals used over the river to get to market. They strapped on their goats, held onto their baskets and slid along the wire. I thought of you John!!! x

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    1. Are you suggesting John should put Winnie in a basket and take her with him? :D

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    2. He could strap on the whole menagerie!!! :)

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    3. Winnie on a zip wire.....? Gawd help us

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  32. I'm not crying anymore,only 3 months have gone by but crying just makes me feel 100 times worse.
    Just getting up each morning and getting on with the day is the only way to go.

    I'm also looking forward to seeing a film of you on the zip wire. You won't need the parachute thingy now you are slim and svelte!

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  33. Your blog is an outlet that you should use as you wish, you are supported here. I've been where you are now and I know it's trite to say things will get better, because you have to go through a gamut of emotions to get there - the good old healing process takes time, is not nice but necessary. Hang on in there.

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  34. Three months and two days since my husband passed and I cry everyday at some point. Friends stop me and ask how I'm doing....sobbing starts. My doctor wanted to give me an anti depressant ...I told him I was not depressed rather my heart is broken. He was the love of my life. I know exactly how you feel and I ache for you.

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    1. A big Yorkshire bear hug for you Linda. Sorry it is only virtual.

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    2. And a Welsh one soon after

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    3. Hugs Linda, so sorry for your loss.

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    4. Linda, I know what you mean. It's been a month and a half since my husband of 42 years passed. When people I know who didn't know him ask me how I'm doing, I always just say "I'm okay." What else can you say? That's really all they want to hear. It's when I speak with the ones who knew him and loved him, that's when the tears come.

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  35. What can I say? I hope things gradually get easier and the current emotional turmoil dies down a bit. Just keep on truckin' and all that!

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  36. Anonymous1:31 pm

    You remind me so much of my daughter, she’s my hero in a world full of hate and shitty behaviour. Her 2 children see their Dad and only hear good things about him, meanwhile I’d like to hire a hit man to take him out. Jo x

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    1. But the children will know in time who is right and who is wrong and they'll also respect being allowed to make their own decision. Been there, and it's awful, but it does get better.

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  37. (((hugs))) John

    It's one thing knowing that in time all will be well again and actually waiting for that time to pass. Broken hearts do eventually heal.

    As Churchill (I think) said "When you're going through hell, keep going."

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  38. Some days you can and other days you can't, loads of us understand, some of us have been let down by someone we loved. Half the struggle is knowing where you are, giving in now and then and planning a future for yourself on better days. Hope the sunshine for you soon.,

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  39. I am reminded of the song, Love Stinks, from the 80’s. When it is good, it is wonderful, but when things go wrong, it hurts so bad. I pray that your grief will get easier as the days go by.

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  40. Lisa R2:24 pm

    When it happened to me I thought I'd never stop crying. Then I'd have panic attacks. One day my dad got a big piece of wood out of his beloved shed and a large hammer and lots and lots of nails. He then told me to hammer those nails in with as much fury as I could muster, and I did. It helped. Then I got a fabulous new hair cut, lost 2 stone and the day he asked if he could 'pop' round I laughed in his face. You'll get there matey. Xx

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  41. Anonymous2:30 pm

    You carry your grief with dignity.
    Love from Amsterdam

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  42. Treat yourself gently John. It does take time.
    When I lost my DH 2 years ago it took me about 6 months before I stopped crying daily.
    Hugs from down under!

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  43. Anonymous2:37 pm

    https://m.poemhunter.com/poem/for-grief/

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  44. Grief is Grief John. You have suffered a great loss. I was divorced from one husband and widowed from the second. The grief at both times was excruciating.

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  45. Grief is a fickle bitch. No way to get through it except to plod on. I've been divorced from a real putz for 40 years but there are still two songs that make me sob whenever I hear them. Not because I still love the SOB, but because I remember how I felt 'back then.' Just know that you have scads of people who care about you!

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  46. I remember the headache from the stress and the aftermath of crying. I hope you are taking ibuprofen or paracetamol for it. That constant headache is a bitch, just doesn’t disappear. Then, one day, there are hours when it isn’t there.
    Thank you for sharing with us. We’re trying to keep you company through your life, in good times and bad. There’s not much any of can do to quicken your slog through hell. We’re here and we care. Hugs.

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  48. When I had my heartbreak, I didn't handle it all that well, so I cannot presume that I would be of any help.
    Looking forward to the zip line story and pictures - I can imagine the fun!

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  49. Anonymous3:26 pm

    Eight weeks for me and I could've written this post if only I was nearly as articulate. This has really helped me because I thought I was going mad while he seems to be living his best life. Take care lovely Lisa xx

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  50. Barbara Anne3:30 pm

    My Grandma used to say,
    "Tears show clear what the heart holds dear."

    So true.

    Hugs

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  51. One day at a time. You're doing fine. In challenging times, I use the Serenity Prayer as my guide:

    Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
    The Courage to change the things I can,
    And the Wisdom to know the difference.

    It gets better. You matter. You have our support and care. Glad to hear William is doing better.

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  52. If I could hold you to my bosom and rub warm little circles on your back, I would.

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    1. I don't doooo bosoms xxx

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    2. I knooooow. I was going to address that, but couldn't come up with anything. BTW, I cut a boiled egg in half, wrapped it in sausage and fried it up. Not a 'real' Scotch egg, but as close as I can get. It was great. Kinda.

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    3. Oh be still my beating heart

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    4. That's how I do Scotch eggs, and so did my mother. Yummy

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    5. Anonymous6:51 pm

      People, look up Jamie Oliver’s recipe for scotch quail eggs! With John’s input, I followed the recipe exactly time-wise and they are FM really good and so easy! I’m thinking of what to send you next John, be looking for a package from sfo again in next few weeks. I may actually include something for Chris as a parting gift from you. It will be nice, no worries, I’m thinking of a whistle or something to clip on his hiking backpack with the GG bridge on it or something like that.

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  53. John, nobody expects you to go out to a movie or dinner party and presto, everything is all over and fine again. You are "grieving" and only time will give you the tools to handle it, unfortunately when I say time, I don't mean two weeks and everything is better again. Post what you want, not what you think we want, I expect nothing else. Hugs.

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  54. It'll take time until, one day,you realize it doesn't hurt any more. Keep thinking about THAT day.

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  55. Jan B3:51 pm

    Grief is love with no place to go..... I'm sure you will find new places to spend your incredible store of love!

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  56. It's a process. Any of us of a certain age have that knowledge because we learned it a previous time when things went to pot. You have to go through the shit to get through the shit.

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  57. be kind to yourself,not just to others.
    All the best xx

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  58. It's been just over 12 months since my daughter in Sydney was abandoned by her long term love. She has coped well in re-building her life but she often says "I'm just so exhausted by it all mum."

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  59. All the best John, and GZ 's advice is spot on. Be kind to yourself.

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  60. Anonymous4:30 pm

    The legal stuff is a nightmare. Separated is in limbo land!. Divorce is mainly financial. Do what you need to for you. One nurses tiny pension won,t go far!. Do what you need to for you huggs xx Kirriexx

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  61. Judging from the comments there are so many of us that have gone through what you are going through. There is light at the end of the tunnel, it's just that it's such a roller coaster ride getting there. Sometimes it's like quicksand and other times like molasses. As you now, you will get there.

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  62. No day is going to be easy at present, but each one you work through will get you in the groove to better days. When you feel low. hug one of those warm furry bodies and try to breathe through the sadness...like meditation if you will ... it's going to take time. Ellexx

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  63. Joan (Devon)4:43 pm

    I'm sorry, John. I haven't commented lately because I can't think of anything to say that's both different to what everyone else is saying, or that is uplifting to help you in any way. As someone said it is like a bereavement, a bereavement of the life that you and the Prof had together. All I can do is send you my warmest wishes and air-time hugs. Take care.

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  64. Our hearts can be filled with love, joy and/or sorrow and it is miraculous how we survive it by the skin of our teeth sometimes.

    Share what you want when you want and if you just want to post pictures of Winnie looking Rubenesque, just know we're here for it.

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  65. Why does it always seem that heartache is the price we pay for love? Hang in there, John, in time the sun will shine again.

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  66. Whats the use of a blog if you can't process grief with your blog friends. We are here, surrounding you with love. This is hard. There are no monsters. But there is heartbreak, and it takes time to heal. So bring on the romp. As often as you need. And yes, stay busy. A zip line with a parachute sounds like fun!

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  67. Thank you for helping us by sharing....

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  68. It is very early days for you John x

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  69. John, you're allowed, nay expected to cry, be angry, hurt and upset, but I have been amazed by how positive your posts have been. Honest, yes but always with the hope of better things to come. Please don't be too hard on yourself, you are loved and respected, and I'm hoping a newbie such as myself can say that.

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  70. I feel weepy today. Grief is like being on a wave, highs and lows and the feeling you get when you realise you are about to slide into another low, very annoying.

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  71. I seem to offer this to everyone these days but my doctor advised me to download the app. Headspace to my phone when I was going through treatment for cancer a couple of years ago and I was having major panic/crying attacks. If you have a smartphone it might help you too. Its basically an app for mindfulness which I have to say I thought was a load of c++p before, however my doctor said she would prescribe it for all her patients if she could so I thought I'd give it a try. Amazingly it helped me enormously and it only takes 10 minutes out of your day to do. Try it if you can, it might help. Sending a wee hug too. x

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  72. That's a belting photo of you both. It's so very sad when life's paths diverge for a couple but don't look back. You're not going there. X

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  73. I appreciate your emotional honesty, John. You're right when you say 18 weeks is not a long time, and you don't need me to tell you it's perfectly normal to still be feeling grief. I'm so sorry you're going through all this, but better days will come to pass, as you know.

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  74. There is never a need to apologise for sharing your feelings with a friend or with friends. There is also no shame or embarrasment in crying or showing your feelings. Holding this in makes you feel worse. Keep going forward xxx

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  75. We feel for you, and as everyone is saying all that could be said, I send another hug across the miles. Hang on. And have a blast with the zipline event, that is just something that would scare the beegeebers out of me!

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  76. Even with all the things that you know you should do, and are doing, it's still a fact that time has to pass (and a considerable amount of time, at that) before things will feel less hurtful. The only way out is through, as they say - unfortunately. Meanwhile, I admire your spirit and your recognition that there are no monsters in the story and that there must be a line between public and private. And wish for the time to pass quickly so you can get to a better place emotionally. Hugs, friend.

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  77. I always find that after a weep its easier to get going again, and I'm a really good weeper. lol
    Relationships of any kind are maybe not always meant to be for ever, we as humans have been led to believe that we should stay as pairs but over the years I have come to question that.
    Post as much as you want and get things out of your system, there's sunshine just over the horizon.
    Briony
    x

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  78. After being widowed, I first thought I would be unable to do anything at all. My brain didn't work, I cried constantly , exhausted by grief I took naps all the time ... I was afraid of everything, living in a new house in a new area with no friends .. Finally I slept .. neighbors of the very best sort came over with food or offers of help with this or that .. the police were called one night because someone was seen in my back yard late at night ... from then on, they would slowly cruise by each night, checking on me .. I got a kitten .. another living creature in the house.
    It seems so long ago now, each day was a triumph of me over grief .. there were fewer and fewer nights that grief won. It will be much the same with you.
    Somehow just get through it .. however they leave us, the loss feels the same , sort of. Count the good stuff ... your home, the dogs, the good and very kind people you live among .. it is amazing how true the saying is .. Time Heals ...
    love u

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  79. Anonymous7:53 pm

    I want to come and meet tbe dogs, Albert, you (of course) scotch eggs, bleached loo nice and clean. Locals included.
    I want you to open a b and b
    Throw yourself into it with gusto
    You will be SOO BUSY.... it will dim the sadness that engulfs you at present
    Sent with as much love as a stranger can send !! Tessie xx

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  80. That is supposed to say "...somehow WE just get through it ..."

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  81. You may be boring yourself, but are most definitely not boring us.
    Heartfelt hugs and oceans of caring.

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  82. I've been away from blogs for a few days and I just saw that William was hit by a car! How awful! I do hope he is much better - I send him my love.

    In this post you mentioned bereavement and that is such a fitting word for this situation. I never realized that until I went through a divorce. It was the most difficult thing I've ever dealt with but with time it does get better. I was such a mess trying to look at the whole picture of sudden life changes thrown on me at once. I could hardly function and my brother told me to stop looking at the whole picture at once and just take one thing at a time. So I survived - dealing with one change at a time. It does get better and it helps to have people that care about you and you know you have no shortage there! You are wise to not hold things in - get your feelings out anyway you can. We will listen and we always care. Hey - and we can't wait to see the zip line video/pictures!

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  83. Ah, grief. First it knocks you flat on your behind, then it makes sure you're too worn out to get up.

    But it will loosen its hold on you as time goes on.

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    1. That is such a perfect description ~

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  84. I know this is cliché, but time does have a way of healing wounds. It has been over two years for me, and it was the right thing to do to end my relationship, but something can still come over me that can cause a tremendous sadness. Use your blog to write as it can be therapy. I haven't been checking my computer for the last couple of days and I just noticed your previous post about your dog. I am glad he is doing okay...

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  85. Anonymous9:47 pm

    Hi John, My advice to you is just take one day at a time. Baby steps. Look no further than a day, just divide the day up and do what you can. Be kind to yourself on days that you find it all so difficult. On days that are very difficult stay in your jimjams - it's okay.The photo shows how much you are still in love with the prof and my heart goes out to you.You can't see it now but in time you will realise that your special someone is waiting for you.You are loved so very much and are an amazing and special person. Nu is an amazing friend to you.You are loved in blogland. It's hard but you will in time see that this wasn't quite right for you. Something amazing is around the corner. Please trust in fate and don't change as you are amazing just as you are.I look forward to you saying how right I am!!! love goldensunflower xxx

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  86. I have no advice for you. It has bought back memories of 20 years ago when to get through a particularly horrible period for me, I did word search puzzles of which I never did before or have attempted since - I do not recommend it. My thoughts are with you - I rarely if ever comment and this is the only blog I follow which is testament to you as a person.

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  87. Even when you know, grief is still difficult and painful to live through. It does pass but in the mean time, it sucks.

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  88. I have no advice for you, either...Everyone experiences the work of grief differently. It is eleven years since my husband died. Today is his birthday. This is the first year I haven't cried over the loss. But I will always miss him. We were both 62 when he died. Way too young. But completely different from what you are working through. And grief IS work. My prayers and best wishes to you.

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  89. Anonymous12:15 am

    You are doing the very best thing by sharing your feelings with a community of (mostly) caring individuals willing to listen and support you. Recognize that the grieving process includes going through a myriad of emotions, recognize each and give it it's due. Be kind to yourself. A helpful tip - schedule time at the end of each day for a good cry, it may help manage uncontrolled outbursts during the day. Be strong, sweet heart.

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  90. I am thinking of you and wish your pain to be over asap.

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  91. Anonymous12:55 am

    18 weeks early days John you can't switch of your emotions at the drop of a hat, you have shared so much of your life with us the happy and sad times, but this is not a movie your a real person and as such it is none of our business to want to snoop and know more, it is your story and yours to tell or not.
    I have found myself laughing and crying with you through the years, and I look forward to the days when there will be more happy days for you John. Keep looking forward to things no matter how small, like lunch with a friend a walk with the dogs zip lining and all it's what keeps me going looking forward to things.
    I'm anonymous now as google does not recognize me or my daily photo blog since yesterday.
    cheers Margo.

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  92. "Bombs Away!" on that zip line :)

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  93. Dear Lord! You have got to give yourself a break! I've read divorce is the second worst life trauma after bereavement. Then comes moving, and job loss. You're having to move and go back to work when you thought you were retired. This whole thing has pulled your life out from under you. So you have a right to have monsoons - which is what I call those tear bursts that come out of nowhere, often for no discernible reason - I had them bad the year after my father died. A single season is not enough time to get all well and good with having to completely reconstruct your life. It's just too much.

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  94. I cried daily for many months, and any time the subject came up for several years - broke down in front of doctors, the movers, co-workers at my new job, perfect strangers. Today, 10 years later, I can still start crying if I let myself start thinking or talking about it all; so when my mind starts going there, I just don't let it. It's early days yet; you will get better in time...

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  95. First I cried with you, then the image of the parachute just cracked me up!! Someone said they want to know if you scream ... there are more fundamental physical responses to extreme fear, and we really don't need to be told the details! But I will be donating to the charity when the time comes.
    Hugs to you. It is hard and there's no 'magic easy way' except getting on with life unfortunately.

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  96. Briony is right...Hugs.

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  97. Ah, so sorry. Haven't read this blog for a while and didn't realise. I lost my wonderful husband almost two years ago to a heart attack. The pain of loss never goes away but you learn to live with it better.

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  98. One of your superpowers is your emotional intelligence. And part of that is knowing that bottling up sadness and grief ain't healthy. The only way through it is through it. Like going on a Bear Hunt, if you'll excuse the expression.

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    1. I just want to add that I consider myself incredibly lucky to share what of your life you choose to share here. I have learned so much and been entertained so often and I really care about you and wish for you the very best that you can have in life xo

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  99. Don't know that I have much to add that others haven't already said but your blog is for you to share what you want to the good and the not so good and we'll grieve along with you and wish you a brighter future x

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  100. You have said it . . .
    No doubt about it bereavement . . . grief . . . bastardly miserable for sure.
    Nice thoughts about your husband . . . “ no monster” . . . not what this is/was all about . . . like you said . . . you would have never loved, married a monster. Caring about you John . . .

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  101. This helps us, too, John. Thanks.

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    1. There is a volume of wisdom in your comments.

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  102. Yes John, you absolutely are doing all the right stuff.
    It just hurts so damn much you think you will never be free from the agony of it and I believe this pain is worse than the death of a loved one. It’s like a double bereavement, to lose the one you love and to have to accept that they no longer love you. That’s the hardest part because that little flicker of hope keeps telling you this can all be fixed and that one day he will just walk back through the door and you will live happily ever after.

    Then one day you realise that a few minutes just went by with your full attention on the here and now and very gradually those few minutes stretch to hours then days…..

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  103. You obviously loved him.

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  104. I do love that picture of you both...broken hearts take time dear John xx

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    1. It is one of my favourites too my friend

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    2. He gave up too easily

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