Tuesday, 1 January 2013

The Queen Mary's Hooter

Perhaps it is my age
Perhaps it's a sudden allergy to the numerous bagels I down in a week.
But over the last seven days I have been suffering from what only can be described as feelings of acute bloating and a marked increase of gastric wind.
Yes a charming subject no doubt.
Now "making one's self comfortable" whilst facing a brisk South Westerly on the field, is a somewhat easy and strangely satisfying procedure.
ie. no one can hear you fart!
But last night, during a rather busy start to my work shift ( and after some hastily snatched home made spring rolls made by one of the Filipino staff nurses) I was seriously ready to sound off BIG STYLE, so as there was a brief lull in the general proceedings , I took a secret walk towards the linen room, reversed into it like a cart horse backing into the rails of a wagon and let rip with a magnificent raspberry.
From the nearby sluice an unseen ODA ( a theatre tech) must have been processing an arterial blood gas...for in the silence that followed, a slightly amused voice rang out
"there must be fog near the lighthouse tonight"



49 comments:

  1. Crikey how embarrassing! Knowing you, you had a witty come-back (or did you just beat a hasty anonymous retreat LOL).
    When that happens in our house, the cry goes up "Oops! creaky floorboards!".

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  2. ..and there's the laughter. You nut.

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  3. Always carry a box of matches, that way you may oft be seen sreaking across the sky, silhouetted against the full moon on a pillar of flame, squealing 'Look at me, look at me - I can fly!' ...

    Just be careful in re your underwear choices; nylon versus cotton. Cotton good, nylon bad.

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  4. Have I ever mentioned bicarbonate of soda? Dreadful stuff but will release any trapped wind, upsy or downsy, within a few minutes. One gets quite a magnificent result!

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  5. Oh dear John, and did Hattie Jacques come running?

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  6. Oh John, I like this little post....makes me smile. My pa always says 'one less pound in the doctors pocket' or 'better an empty house than a bad tenant' whenever he lets fly...which is quite a lot these days!

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  7. Where ere ye be, in church or chapel, let it rattle.

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  8. LOL! Thanks so much...we needed this!

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  9. Oh John - you always make me laugh. You are so good at calling a spade a shovel - and when I read the title of your piece I thought it would be about noses - wrong end of the stick as usual.

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  10. oooeerrrr!....more tea vicar?

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  11. That was a good one!

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  12. 1st laugh of the new year. Thanks, John. Deb

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  13. bwhahahahaha!

    thanks for the first laugh of the new day/week/month/year!

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  14. Although there are no long winded(sorry) descriptions, I get such a clear mental picture of your situations. I was still finding myself suffering from outbursts of giggling at your tainted trifle that I was worried what my new neighbours would think and now this. I won't be able to leave the house. Thank goodness your here to keep me company.
    Long live The Queen Mary

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  15. There she blows!
    Jane x

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  16. Bwahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    A belly shaking laugh to start the New Year. Thank you, John!
    Have a Wonderful New Year! ♥

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  17. "there must be fog near the lighthouse tonight"

    Classic.

    Better out than in I always say...

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  18. Oh Gawd John - you get me every time! That's another mouthful of coffee over the laptop! Happy New one!

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  19. That takes me back... to Cro's last, crossed out, resolution... Ha! I hope the two of you don't get together in that linen cupboard or no-one would be able to have clean sheets next change day.

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  20. As fine a way I can think of to ring in the new year.

    Best wishes.

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  21. we call it gas music from Jupiter...

    thanks for another laugh out loud post...

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  22. Splort! Thanks for the laugh, John. Love Owl Wood's comment too. Now I've got coffeee all over my keyboard.

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  23. I would have giggled and said " I second that " :)
    I'll never be able to think of clean lavender-smelling linens in the same way, ever again !
    What a belter to ring in the New Year :)
    ~Jo

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  24. Oh, God, that is hilarious! Happy New Year, thunder buns.

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  25. Happy New Year John!

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  26. I bet he was gasping a bit and holding his nose. 'Let the wind blow free, wherever you may be ....' as the saying goes. Wishing you a carpet-slippered 2013 xx

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  27. Oh dear. You and your farts! Hee hee. "Better out than in!"

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  28. Oops. And no nearby animal to blame.

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  29. Being surrounded by a house full of males more often then naught, I am quite familiar with many different sound of horns "sounding off" followed by much laughter, no mind to age. God forbid if Mama should sound off with a very sneak silent Sam *smile*

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  30. After reading the comments I have nothing left to say lol.

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  31. BAhahahaha! Best laugh of my day. Thank you so much.

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  32. More tea vicar?...Xmas fayre certainly does seem to add to the nation's gas reserves. BARRRP! (Urgh!) It wasn't me!

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  33. You are brave. There are a few things at our age that shouldn't be trusted.

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  34. Oh my God ...you've done it again...my husband is laughing so hard he nearly fell of the couch!!!

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  35. Oh, my. That is hilarious! I am guilty of fouling the air a bit, but never have I received such a funny comment! That would... almost... be worth the fart!

    Cat

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  36. Completely off topic, but I thought of you at work yesterday...we've gotten in Walking Dead bobbleheads (at a bookstore) and there is...prepare yourself...a Daryl Dixon bobblehead, complete with tiny crossbow!!!! It's the cutest thing ever!

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    Replies
    1. Oh, and Happy New Year!!!!

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    2. Jennifer could you post me a photo?

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    3. I won't be back at work until Friday, but I will definitely get pictures and send you one!! I was thinking of posting some pics to my blog as well. I'm loving the show, and the bobbleheads are just adorable. There are several: Daryl Dixon, Rick Grimes, the bicycle girl walker, and the RV walker (complete with screwdriver coming out of it's eye!).

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  37. Thanks John. You provided my first belly laugh for the year!

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  38. Did you overdo it on the Brussels Sprouts? Speaking for myself, I LOVE 'EM - and, oh, the joy of living alone! (Though not such a happy experience for my pussies.)

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  39. Brilliant, I have to show this post to Tom he'll love it.
    Briony
    x

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  40. Oh crikey John you do get me laughing, have a great 2013.

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  41. OMG, that is just freaking priceless!!!!

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  42. You get more comments after a "fart" post than most people get in an entire month!!! Bravo, that's how you know you've become famous........FANS!!!

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  43. How I've missed reading your blog...

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  44. I love you John!

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  45. This was my first belly laugh of the new year. I love the line "there must be fog near the lighthouse tonight." I'm sure i'll have a few situations where i can work that into the conversation.

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