Perhaps it is my age
Perhaps it's a sudden allergy to the numerous bagels I down in a week.
But over the last seven days I have been suffering from what only can be described as feelings of acute bloating and a marked increase of gastric wind.
Yes a charming subject no doubt.
Now "making one's self comfortable" whilst facing a brisk South Westerly on the field, is a somewhat easy and strangely satisfying procedure.
ie. no one can hear you fart!
But last night, during a rather busy start to my work shift ( and after some hastily snatched home made spring rolls made by one of the Filipino staff nurses) I was seriously ready to sound off BIG STYLE, so as there was a brief lull in the general proceedings , I took a secret walk towards the linen room, reversed into it like a cart horse backing into the rails of a wagon and let rip with a magnificent raspberry.
From the nearby sluice an unseen ODA ( a theatre tech) must have been processing an arterial blood gas...for in the silence that followed, a slightly amused voice rang out
"there must be fog near the lighthouse tonight"
Perhaps it's a sudden allergy to the numerous bagels I down in a week.
But over the last seven days I have been suffering from what only can be described as feelings of acute bloating and a marked increase of gastric wind.
Yes a charming subject no doubt.
Now "making one's self comfortable" whilst facing a brisk South Westerly on the field, is a somewhat easy and strangely satisfying procedure.
ie. no one can hear you fart!
But last night, during a rather busy start to my work shift ( and after some hastily snatched home made spring rolls made by one of the Filipino staff nurses) I was seriously ready to sound off BIG STYLE, so as there was a brief lull in the general proceedings , I took a secret walk towards the linen room, reversed into it like a cart horse backing into the rails of a wagon and let rip with a magnificent raspberry.
From the nearby sluice an unseen ODA ( a theatre tech) must have been processing an arterial blood gas...for in the silence that followed, a slightly amused voice rang out
"there must be fog near the lighthouse tonight"
Crikey how embarrassing! Knowing you, you had a witty come-back (or did you just beat a hasty anonymous retreat LOL).
ReplyDeleteWhen that happens in our house, the cry goes up "Oops! creaky floorboards!".
..and there's the laughter. You nut.
ReplyDeleteAlways carry a box of matches, that way you may oft be seen sreaking across the sky, silhouetted against the full moon on a pillar of flame, squealing 'Look at me, look at me - I can fly!' ...
ReplyDeleteJust be careful in re your underwear choices; nylon versus cotton. Cotton good, nylon bad.
Have I ever mentioned bicarbonate of soda? Dreadful stuff but will release any trapped wind, upsy or downsy, within a few minutes. One gets quite a magnificent result!
ReplyDeleteOh dear John, and did Hattie Jacques come running?
ReplyDeleteOh John, I like this little post....makes me smile. My pa always says 'one less pound in the doctors pocket' or 'better an empty house than a bad tenant' whenever he lets fly...which is quite a lot these days!
ReplyDeleteWhere ere ye be, in church or chapel, let it rattle.
ReplyDeleteLOL! Thanks so much...we needed this!
ReplyDeleteOh John - you always make me laugh. You are so good at calling a spade a shovel - and when I read the title of your piece I thought it would be about noses - wrong end of the stick as usual.
ReplyDeleteoooeerrrr!....more tea vicar?
ReplyDeleteThat was a good one!
ReplyDelete1st laugh of the new year. Thanks, John. Deb
ReplyDeletebwhahahahaha!
ReplyDeletethanks for the first laugh of the new day/week/month/year!
Although there are no long winded(sorry) descriptions, I get such a clear mental picture of your situations. I was still finding myself suffering from outbursts of giggling at your tainted trifle that I was worried what my new neighbours would think and now this. I won't be able to leave the house. Thank goodness your here to keep me company.
ReplyDeleteLong live The Queen Mary
There she blows!
ReplyDeleteJane x
Bwahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteA belly shaking laugh to start the New Year. Thank you, John!
Have a Wonderful New Year! ♥
"there must be fog near the lighthouse tonight"
ReplyDeleteClassic.
Better out than in I always say...
Oh Gawd John - you get me every time! That's another mouthful of coffee over the laptop! Happy New one!
ReplyDeleteThat takes me back... to Cro's last, crossed out, resolution... Ha! I hope the two of you don't get together in that linen cupboard or no-one would be able to have clean sheets next change day.
ReplyDeleteAs fine a way I can think of to ring in the new year.
ReplyDeleteBest wishes.
we call it gas music from Jupiter...
ReplyDeletethanks for another laugh out loud post...
Splort! Thanks for the laugh, John. Love Owl Wood's comment too. Now I've got coffeee all over my keyboard.
ReplyDeleteI would have giggled and said " I second that " :)
ReplyDeleteI'll never be able to think of clean lavender-smelling linens in the same way, ever again !
What a belter to ring in the New Year :)
~Jo
Oh, God, that is hilarious! Happy New Year, thunder buns.
ReplyDeleteHappy New Year John!
ReplyDeleteI bet he was gasping a bit and holding his nose. 'Let the wind blow free, wherever you may be ....' as the saying goes. Wishing you a carpet-slippered 2013 xx
ReplyDeleteOh dear. You and your farts! Hee hee. "Better out than in!"
ReplyDeleteOops. And no nearby animal to blame.
ReplyDeleteBeing surrounded by a house full of males more often then naught, I am quite familiar with many different sound of horns "sounding off" followed by much laughter, no mind to age. God forbid if Mama should sound off with a very sneak silent Sam *smile*
ReplyDeleteAfter reading the comments I have nothing left to say lol.
ReplyDeleteBAhahahaha! Best laugh of my day. Thank you so much.
ReplyDeleteMore tea vicar?...Xmas fayre certainly does seem to add to the nation's gas reserves. BARRRP! (Urgh!) It wasn't me!
ReplyDeleteYou are brave. There are a few things at our age that shouldn't be trusted.
ReplyDeleteOh my God ...you've done it again...my husband is laughing so hard he nearly fell of the couch!!!
ReplyDeleteOh, my. That is hilarious! I am guilty of fouling the air a bit, but never have I received such a funny comment! That would... almost... be worth the fart!
ReplyDeleteCat
Completely off topic, but I thought of you at work yesterday...we've gotten in Walking Dead bobbleheads (at a bookstore) and there is...prepare yourself...a Daryl Dixon bobblehead, complete with tiny crossbow!!!! It's the cutest thing ever!
ReplyDeleteOh, and Happy New Year!!!!
DeleteJennifer could you post me a photo?
DeleteI won't be back at work until Friday, but I will definitely get pictures and send you one!! I was thinking of posting some pics to my blog as well. I'm loving the show, and the bobbleheads are just adorable. There are several: Daryl Dixon, Rick Grimes, the bicycle girl walker, and the RV walker (complete with screwdriver coming out of it's eye!).
DeleteThanks John. You provided my first belly laugh for the year!
ReplyDeleteDid you overdo it on the Brussels Sprouts? Speaking for myself, I LOVE 'EM - and, oh, the joy of living alone! (Though not such a happy experience for my pussies.)
ReplyDeleteBrilliant, I have to show this post to Tom he'll love it.
ReplyDeleteBriony
x
Ha ha, loved it!
ReplyDeleteOh crikey John you do get me laughing, have a great 2013.
ReplyDeleteOMG, that is just freaking priceless!!!!
ReplyDeleteYou get more comments after a "fart" post than most people get in an entire month!!! Bravo, that's how you know you've become famous........FANS!!!
ReplyDeleteHow I've missed reading your blog...
ReplyDeleteI love you John!
ReplyDeleteThis was my first belly laugh of the new year. I love the line "there must be fog near the lighthouse tonight." I'm sure i'll have a few situations where i can work that into the conversation.
ReplyDelete