Going Gently

I was worried about my job yesterday. Hospices all over the country are in dire financial need at the moment and I worked hard getting my job in order to keep the cottage .
The prospect of possible redundancies was almost too much to bare

Today, it's best foot forward.
I've cleared out my bookcases this morning and tucked away was a book , which has always been the inspiration for the blog

Most people think Going Gently derives from the poem by Dylan Thomas
" Do not go gentle into that good night,
             Old age should burn and rage at close of day
 
             Rage, rage at the dying of the light"



But it is the novel Going Gently by David Nobbs that is the true inspiration
"The novel is a series of memories, memories recalled by an eighty odd year old stroke patient Kate Thomas, who is paralysed in a hospital bed.
Isolated and unable to communicate , Kate plays in her mind the video of her turbulent life as a welcome relief from the sad and bad old women around her . But it is more than an escape . It is also the search for the truth about life,death , the acceptance of death and which of her three sons murdered her fifth husband...."

The book was a gift from a patient , I thought I didn't get on with very well
Her name was Julia
Paralysed in a car accident , that was in essence her own fault, she was a patient who wasn't patient  at all . She's moaned and complained and became so negative in her rehab that staff started to avoid her. I remember that her son once described her as being able to " suck the lifeforce out of a saint " so difficult she was but I also remember that she was plucky enough to follow the gaggle of younger male paraplegics to gym every morning without fail and to be able to put up with their colourful ribbing and telling off if she complained too much to them, disabled men who would not accept self pity and "kvetching"

I remember one day she called me  " a hard hearted bastard"  to my face , I can't really remember just what it was about , but I suspect I had " encouraged" her rather robustly to do something for herself
" I've been called a lot worse!" I shot back
"I bet you have!" Was Julia's reply

I looked at the book and dusted it off , planning to read it again , in this period of isolation
I hadn't noticed, or indeed remembered that Julia had written in the front of it,
A dedication of sorts
" You Gave Me my life back"
It said
Funny I never got that impression when I nursed her



Keep Yourself Going



I'm having a bad day today..living alone isn't always easy you know?
I think we all have the occasional bad day given our present situation 
I knew I was shaky when I shared something with a Going Gently follower and they emailed me with this statement

At times you write, I respond, and you and I share a moment glimpsing into a place within your heart."

I valued this understanding and intuiative support...Mary x
This morning Rachel and I talked and laughed. At lunchtime I received a note of support from  my Australia buddy
Words acting as a duvet on a very cold night
Tonight I caught up with some Sheffield friends on video
I've just finished chatting with Jane, who carried on when Mike's link went down 
And we metaphorically held hands for an hour as only some old friends can do

Zoom Again


My patient died peacefully just a half hour before I finished my shift .
I said goodbye to his partner just as I was leaving the building and hugged him before getting into my car for home
You can't employ social distancing in a hospice...you just can't

I got home, collected the dogs from Trendy Carol , and set up the iPad just in time to meet up with the family on Zoom.
We had arranged to catch up with drinks
My nephew Chris, his partner Rebecca and daughter Evie, my sister Janet and hubby Ned, my sister in Law Jayne, sister Ann and brother in law Tim and great niece Ellie down in London had a bunfight  of a meet. Lots of shouting, lots of " We can't hear you!!!!" And lots of looking around flats and houses and artwork with lots of " ohhhhhss and arrrhhhhs!" 

It was a touch of base that was oh so needed, a grounding meet , a funny catch up.
Nothing sparkling, everything normal
And I am so lucky to have a dear family
After today's shift , and a review of life in Britain in general,
It is a family I am not about to take for granted
Hey ho x

Support Your Local Hospice



I'm going into work later.
Sickness has visited our part of North Wales like it has done everywhere,
I'm only surprised that they didn't need me in earlier.
I'm happy to do it, I really am.

Working for a charity in these uncertain times is worrying.
The lockdown simply means that money is not coming into the hospice's accounts
And that public money pays for the nurses' wages.
Nurses that continue to ensure quality end of life care is given during this crisis
Could well lose their jobs when it is all over!
Go figure!

The velvet voiced Linda who has organised the Village warden system has done a sterling job with now two wardens allocated to each street in the village and its environs. A whatsapp group now connects every warden to her in HQ and with each other and every few minutes this morning my phone has beeped urgently  with people co ordinating pharmacy runs and food deliveries .
We even have a village warden social app group, where most of the volunteers are sharing videos such as this one


Right time to try and control my unruly mop of greying hair
Work calls

Be safe my friends

Thank You

You can just see my grandfather clock against my yellow walls

I've not long finished rearranging furniture and paintings in my yellow living room.
I remembered the " Applause the NHS " initiative at the last minute and went outside into the cold and the dark with the girls to see if anything would happen.
My village has not even a dozen streets, but the applause started subtly echoing around the houses and cottages and dark lanes politely and hesitant at first. and I joined in as I stood near London road with tears in my eyes as voices and calls of " Thank You John!"  Came sweetly out of the darkness.

Yellow


The days have a pace of their own and in the fine spring weather the villagers daily constitutionals seem to take them past the cottage and out into the countryside
Mrs Trellis, Doctor Tom, Pippa, Jane with her over friendly Great Dane Hudson, Animal Helper Pat, Meirion, Ian the unofficial village Mayor, Trendy Carol  etc etc etc
I see them all potter past as I bore myself silly with painting the living room a gentle vanilla yellow.
Sometimes I'd go out to say hello, my hair splattered as much as my least favourite Walking Dead T shirt ( the one with Negan on it)
I'm not listening to the radio, but tend to play classic movies on TCM as way of an accompaniment

Can each of you leave a message to tell me how you are.....I'm going a bit stir crazy



Winnie



Trendy Carol ( wearing some urban Chic today) called round and at a 2 metre distance took the girls to her house while I was painting
She sent a photo of Winnie after the old lass had run amok with an old tennis ball
She may be fading but my best girl can still surprise with bursts of excitement and fun.
And Tonight she is curled up with her gin trap mouth lying heavily on my feet.tired and happy
She's such an valiant old broad
With a smile like a large split watermelon