Oh Dorothy!!!!

I'm such a friggin' fucking, twatting, bollocking, arseholing dick brain!
Guess Who gave the fitters the WRONG measurements for the floor? 

Almost There- Reality TV

In the darkness of Chapel Street this evening Jean and Dave Smith stopped to say they were looking forward to see what the kitchen looks like when it is finally finished on Tuesday!
Sandra Cameron popped up behind with her Yorkshire terrier and said the same thing!
I thought it was kind seeing that her kitchen looks like the set of Housewives of Orange County
Animal helper Pat popped in to see the progress today and through the uncovered lane window a whole collection of villagers have sneaked sideward glances when passing with their dogs and shopping bags .
It's getting all a bit addictive this reality kitchen construction thing...like a local Reality Tv Show
Roll on a Tuesday.........I've booked Jane Asher to officially open it.....she needs the work

Best Friends

It's cold here and the cottage smells of fresh paint.
The log burner has been on since Sunday night, and Albert has burrowed under the bedroom duvet to warm himself after a night's hunting.
I've just touched base with best friend Nu who is suffering from a heavy seasonal cold.
I catch up with her in two weeks time on  a winter's London trip
Phone calls with friends often fall into shorthand speak where conversations take on, almost a language all of it's own! This drives the Prof mad and he often refers to my interactions as being emotionally masturbating in nature!
Hey ho
I read an article recently that stated a research paper claimed that people with more than one or two best friends lived longer, happier lives than those that didn't!
Go figure !
So my question of today is.....
Who is your best friend? ( first name only) and in five words or less describe just why that is the case! ( spouses can't be classed as best friends I am afraid)
I'd be interested to hear

On the Toilet

Yesterday sailor John from next door came around to put up the new kitchen lights.
I cannot be trusted with anything electric owing to DIY incompetence and the fact that I am colour blind.
John wouldn't accept any payment for the work so I had to resort to gift buying. I hope he liked the two steaks and bottle of port I left for him.....it was a job well done.
I am presently typing this on the loo. I need to start painting the kitchen ceiling and I know I am putting off the job.
I hate painting.....and sitting on the loo seems much more fun......having said that, I've sat here too long now and have a large pressure  red ring circling my buttocks..
Too much info, I hear you all say
The kitchen floor arrives on Friday and the new tiles will be coming with the tiler on Monday so it hands to the pumps me hearties!
The kitchen should be finished totally by Tuesday!
Now I had to smile on Sunday when I passed the Church door whilst on a walk with the dogs. Church service had just finished and the vicar was sat on the stone seat in the porch surrounded by the village ladies who were all eagerly looking at photos of his new kitchen on his mobile phone , oohing and arrrghing as if they had seen a baby.
Mind you having a new kitchen is just like having your first baby
You are totally scared that you'll break something when it arrives

Madness

I've lost followers when I questioned the sanity of gun ownership in the US
I've lost followers when I've slagged off Donald Trump
And I think I've lost at least one follower when I waxed too lyrically about Chris Pratt's biceps once
But today is the first time Ive lost a follower because I shared the fact that the Prof once tapped Winnie's Vulva with a hand knitted slipper
I'm surrounded by madness!

" WHATEVER!!!!!!"

Dog Psychology

Four dogs and a small cottage often means chaos if you are not ordered and you think like a human.
The secret of controlling canines is that you have to think like one.
With a selection of workmen in and out of the house, the first rule is to prepare them and not the dogs.
I always check first, if they " know" dogs and second if they are nervous of dogs. Thus armed I can get introductions over with.

Winnie this morning....and every morning

Winnie and Mary have to greet everyone, before they settle. Greeting means jumping and cuddling and in Winnie's case kissing but the rule is always I go through the door first, dogs always follow second it's the same rule I  have with them when exiting the car. Dogs NEVER leave a car without permission.

William, sleeping with his blind eye open

William and George will greet visitors in their own time. George will bark loudly which often puts fear into the more nervous of workmen but as long as they are warned they will pet him and William politely before the dogs start to lose interest.
Then it is time for the dogs to be removed except for when the tiler is working as he has already said he rather enjoys Winnie's lugubrious company.
Other rules for dog control are

Keep verbal instructions to a minimum, dogs understand tone more than words

Never EVER tap a female bulldog on the vulva with your slippered foot- thinking her reaction is amusing-- she will NEVER forget the experience and will try and masturbate with you at every opportunity ( Prof please note)

Be consistent,
Only scold them immediately after bad behaviour never later.

Ignoring dogs for at least a minute a day especially when you regroup with the pack keeps them on their toes and clear that you are the boss.

George in his dog cave

Damp, day dreaming Mary

The final rule for happy well adjusted dogs is keep them fed, watered and in your company . They are pack animals and need their leader around 

The Walking Dead Episode 6

Carol , Henry and Jerry

A good episode
Carol has the hots for the King and had just adopted another kid ( Melissa McBride's scenes were rather moving tonight I thought)
Maggie may have made a big mistake although one of the saviours may be a date for Jesus !
An interesting new character in Siddig has arrived
Oh And Daryl and Tara have gone rogue

Siddig

Flounce

Problems with the kitchen tiles necessitated the ones I had already purchased to be returned to the DIY store
A rant was the order of the day ( which was successfully sidestepped by the deadpan " returns clerk" ) and so even without the satisfaction of verbally bitchslapping some unfortunate bod, I left the store still ready for a fight.
At least the tiler has rescheduled his work for next Monday and has helped me buy some lovely ( but more expensive) replacement tiles for the job to be completed .
Hey fucking  ho
I sold the old fridge today and prepared the kitchen walls for painting so the day hasn't been too much of a bust and the news that Harry and Meghan is getting married was mildly good news on such a rainy afternoon.
Some people get their knickers in a twist when Royals get married .
What's the bloody point getting all arsey I say?, we should be just happy for people that have shared their good news with us all.

When the Prof and I got married one person that knew my betrothed fairly well on a social level refused to congratulate him on his forthcoming nuptials . It was a mealy mouthed so called Christian comment on gay marriage I am sure but when the snub came publically I and not the Prof was the one that wouldn't forgive.
I've not acknowledged the person ever since.
Gays never forget