I'm fucked

TAKEN FROM THE DAILY TELEGRAPH 2010

"Brits' sense of humour fails at the age of 52, study finds

'Victor Meldrew Syndrome’, when adults become more grumpy than happy, kicks in at the ripe old age of 52, scientists have found

It is then that both men and women begin to suffer a sharp decline in their sense of humour and get increasingly grumpy, according to scientists at the University of Glamorgan.

Victor Meldrew knows that being curmudgeonly is a comfort

The study also backed the long held belief, epitomised by Meldrew, that older men are grumpier than women – four times grumpier in fact, for those in their sixties.

Researcher Dr Lesley Harbidge of Glamorgan University said: "The Lifetime of Laughter Scale shows that there really is a law of diminishing returns when it comes to laughter.

"We laugh twice as much in our teens as we do in our fifties. And our findings suggest that it's all downhill from 52.”

The study found that while an infant can laugh aloud as many as 300 times every day, life rapidly becomes far less fun."

Dr Harbridge is a twat

I have just opened 16 cards ( thank you bloggers who sent me one btw....the postman had great fun sorting out the vague addresses) ......received two garden vouchers, 2 T shirts, 3 smart shirts, three pairs of pants, a small wooden chicken, and tickets to see 12 Angry Men

And although it is only 08.35 and I have not even finished my first cup of coffee as yet

I HAVE SMILED THREE TIMES ALREADY!
Mind you...one of those were as a direct result of an overly large bowel movement

So read that and weep Harbridge........you smug cow

Cheap

I have a good friend who has the same birthday as I do
Today I received this email from him

Hi JG

Thank you for the small package that arrived this morning. I shall open it tomorrow. I am hopeful that its diminutive size does not reflect its value, although given the hastily-prepared package and careless handwriting, I suspect I will need (as usual) to prepare for a soupçon of disappointment.

He knows me so well

I sent him a tin of this from Tesco

I am such a cheapskate

It's a lovely sunny afternoon

I've been  picking flowers from the churchyard 

Before the council workmen mow the lawns

Pea Green Pants

I have two pairs of good trousers and one of those now has a couple of butter marks on the leg from when I chomped down too hard on  a bovril bagel the other morning.
Chris despairs at my lack of sartorial elegance.
He is also worried sick that I will turn up at his conference in Stockholm looking like a cross between Snoopy's Pig Pen and  Worzel Gummidge and so , for my birthday ( which is on Sunday BTW!) , he took me to Cheshire Oaks to kit me out with some new duds!
Now I usually hate clothes shopping.....but I did enjoy being treated........
I especially liked my new pea green pants!.......I look like a chubby leprechaun in them!
Move over Patrick Grant

Private Eye

It was a quiet night at Samaritans this evening....not a bad thing all told
My colleague gave me one of his Private Eye Magazines to read
It's  been an age since I've looked at one.
In the classified section I noticed this typical but awfully sad personal ad, presumably looking for financial support

24 y/o, Underemployment, illness, debt,pregnancy. Trying to stay nice.........

the lives people live.....eh?
Hey ho  

In The Street & Bastard Arrives

My favourite photo of vintage Trelawnyd

The junior football team in the school field in the 1940s

Three of the team still live in the village

Suddenly, you will notice something important and it will stop you in your tracks.
The other day, when I was out delivering eggs, I walked down chapel street next to the Memorial Hall and was confronted by affable despot Jason's two little girls out on their bikes.
As usual they waved , showed off the tassels on the their handlebars  and made a fuss of the dogs before being joined by two slightly older children out on their bikes.
The four of them scooted back and forth down the small lane,a lane which is not even a hundred yards long.
I spied Jason by his gate, he was watching over his girls.
He puffed out his cheeks as if to say, it was hard work keeping a Vigil over the kiddies and as the girls weaved their merry way back and forth on Chapel Street , I suddenly thought how rare a sight it is to see children in the street anymore.
" it feels like a proper village" I called over.
And I meant it
Jason's recollections of the incident, seem to be quite different

jason11:54 am

I was peacefully sat there watching the Marsh Warblers swooping in my neighbours undercroft, gaily listening to the " hits from the blitz" album I bought at aunt fannies table sale ....the children were playing conkers on the road and suddenly he just launched at me ....terrified I was ....terrified I tell ya

anyway speaking of bastards

This little psychopath has suddenly appeared on the field this morning. Not seven inches high, and as full as much bile as a UKIP EMP he has ran around the Ukrainian village karate kicking everything in sight.
Bugger alone knows where he has come from

I caught the little bastard briefly after he was effectively held down by one of he geese, but he caught me a stabbing blow on the outer edge of my wrist with one of his spurs, a stab that had arterial blood spurting in a sweet little arc over my head.
I am presently typing this with a tea towel wrapped around my hand, my feet raised up on a cushion and with a large mug of sweet tea to hand.

Waiting For The Plumber

Waiting for tradesmen to arrive can be fraught with frustration
"I'll see you at 9 am" comment often means " I'll be there the day after tomorrow"
And there is many a time I have resorted to almost tearful follow up telephone calls pleading and begging for someone to turn up.
With tradesman, the old phrase "The customer is always right" never applies
For the most part, they are a law unto themselves.
Today's tradesman ( the plumber) has given me a 2pm- 4pm arrival window, so I have lined up several indoor jobs to do whilst I wait.
The trick to reduce stress when waiting for someone like the plumber to arrive  is to remain busy.
Being busy prevents those embarrassing " where the hell are you?" Follow up telephone calls.......

It was a few minutes past 2pm , and after fabreezing the cottage, I had just got all serious with my elbows deep in a half constructed Mary Berry's bread and butter pudding when the plumber turned up.
Not only was he punctual,
He was courteous
Friendly
Helpful.
He didn't suck air between his teeth nor did he shake his head slowly
And he didn't scream when Winnie stuck an enquiring fat nose between his thighs when he got down and dirty with the toilet U bend.
For some reason bulldogs are totally fascinated by visiting workmen.it is something I noticed with both Constance and Mabel . Indeed I remember clearly the moment Constance sexually molested the meter reader in our front room like it was yesterday.

The poor boy didn't quite know where to look.

Anyhow , our plumber ( note I say that he's our plumber now) took Winifred's goo goo eyes all in his stride and actually seemed to enjoy the attention she was giving him.
" I've got a load of dogs at home" he chirped cheerfully as Winnie blew kisses into his face
" I needn't of used all of that fabreeze" I thought to myself.

The Lunch Box

Nimrat Kaur

Certain movies have the ability to charm an audience from the get go. They are as rare as hens' teeth, so when they do come along, it is important to big them up so everyone has a chance to enjoy their delights.
The Lunch Box is one of those films.
A mistake by Mumbai's notoriously efficient lunchbox delivery company, accidentally connects a young housewife , (who is making meals for her unloving husband ) with a grieving accountant on the verge of retirement. Their chaste romantic correspondence which takes place via short letters hidden in the aforementioned lunchbox, enables the unhappy pair to move on in their lives.
Yes, think Brief Encounter  crossed with Slumdog Millionaire and you may get a bit of a gist of where director Ritesh Batra is coming from. Seldom I have seen a film that captures perfectly a real sense of the culture which it wants to portray.
The leading actors are a delight to watch . Irrfan Khan and the beautiful Nimrat Kaur are incredibly moving as the sad widower and lonely housewife and although they are never really seen in the same scene together, their chemistry together is powerfully evident and surprisingly tangible

This film is the best thing I have seen all year.
It will make you cry, it will make you laugh and it will make you fall in love with a city not always known ......
for its sweet charm.
9/10

Iffran Khan with his lunchbox

We are officially a Society!

As I was " fabreezing" the cottage within a inch of its life this morning in readiness for the plumber to arrive to fix the toilet, I realised that the pile of flower show schedules are still pulled up in the kitchen.
We are nearly into June, so it is time to start to big up the Flower Show, which is only just over nine weeks away.
This week, all the schedules that require posting will be posted out. The local Garden Centre, The Crown Pub, The Scala Centre and other local shops will have their own piles to distribute and the local newspapers will be contacted in the hope that they will publicise the event. Auntie Gladys has been a member of the flower show ( and it's predecessor- the village welfare committee) for over 56 years now. So I will use this fact as a bit of a twist when I email the news desks!
I am also  about to contact a couple of younger people in the village to see if they want to join the committee because, even though we are doing well for " bodies", we only have one member ( Hannah with her amazing knitted hats collection) who is under 40!
Banking mandates have to be changed as I have now taken over as secretary and we now have a new Treasurer and a new  chair and bric a brac needs to be collected and stored ready to deck out Auntie
Glad's stall on the day ( I hope Chris has not forgotten that he is manning it!)

Like all shows like this, there are lots of things to do.

This year  The Trelawnyd Flower Show Committee has bought two replacement benches for the village green and has given the village conservation group a buxom donation towards the village flower beds.
The Show's remit has always been to support village based initiatives.

After completing the new banking paperwork, our new Treasurer cheerfully informed me that the Flower Show committee is now officially a " Society" on paper
How exciting!
Go on readers
Have a look at the schedule .......we love postal entries..eh Nana?
http://trelawnydflowershow.blogspot.co.uk