I have been thinking about my mother a lot recently. It has been over six years since she died so I wondered today why I should be remembering her at this particular period of time? I guess being on holiday with Chris' mum, and seeing his interaction with her has made me reflect on my own somewhat troubled relationship with my own mother, but I suspect my meeting with Nu in London and our discussions about her family had really triggered those memories, that have been slotted neatly away in my Psyche.My mother was a difficult, bad tempered and rather bitter woman in her later life. She had a chronic anxiety disorder (which had never properly been diagnosed let alone treated) and numerous health problems that I would prefer not to discuss is this type of open forum. Typical of many women of her generation, she became isolated in the role of housewife and mother (neither of which fulfilled her in any way) and I would like to think that beneath her somewhat brittle and critical personality there lived and breathed a bright,active brain that craved to do something more with her life.
The problem with my mother was that she didn't (or more importantly couldn't) escape from her own negativity and ultimate depression. The gloom that constantly surrounded her alienated her family and friends and even now years later this legacy of bad feelings remain firmly atop her family's memories of her.
Years ago I went through a bout of counselling to get into perspective some of the more painful aspects of my mother's behaviours. It helped too!......not in that Hollywood "road to Damascus "sort of way.....you know the sort of emotional romping- "ahhh Ha Moment" , experienced by Tim Hutton in Ordinary People, but through a patient exploration, I started to see a woman who did not always possess the skills to be an effective and successful mother.
Today, I don't have any burning regrets or heart aches about her, I neither feel angry or upset and I am also aware that I am not remembering things through rose tinted glasses; all I do know, is that I perhaps have the occasional need to remember a more balanced view of her. I talked about her to Sorrel when we were at dinner one night in San Fransisco........I thought it odd that it was my first conversation about my mother with my mother in law in the nine years I have known Sorrel....
