If Dogs Wrote Blogs

one blog that I follow discussed Cats writing blogs...I just wondered what a blog could read like if Winnie penned it?
So here goes ......

Fat daddy woke me up at an ungodly hour this morning to go out for a pee.

I keep glaring at him every day but he doesnt get the message

I CAN SLEEP 14 HOURS WITHOUT NEEDING A PISS! 

The other dogs bounce around like bloody lunatics, I just can't wait to get back to bed.

Grumpy Dad was already making his morning food when we got back in , so we left him quick sticks and climbed into bed with fat dad. 

Fat dad is like me, he hates mornings!

It's late in the day when fat dad calls me. I pretend to be asleep, but he knows me too well and so I get up and fart. He farts too and often blames me. 

Today I hear him talking to someone.

THERE IS WORKMEN IN THE HOUSE!!!!!

I run down stairs and get all unnecessary as two gorgeous men in OVERALLS are in the garden.

They have come just to see me! 

I kiss them both on the lips! Then have to have an immediate botty rub on the garden steps

Fat dad shakes his head!  He hates me botty rubbing

Funny, Grumpy Dad always laughs when I rub my botty on his slippers! 

I love his slippers! 

We then go for a walk around the village. George gets on my tits as he is too slow. William keeps walking into things and Mary gets excited if she sees a bleeding pigeon  flying past. 

I'm surrounded by idiots!

I wish I could walk with Albert, he has a few brain cells about him and he loves me.

Fat Dad keeps stopping to talking to people. 

It's so boring.

He thinks he's popular!

Finally we get home and IT's FOOD TIME!" 

Thank god! 

A tin of horse with bacon flavoured biscuits! Bloody lovely

I rub my botty on the back door for a bit as William has a poo against the fridge

He's getting old and is such a let down! 

Anyhow Fat dad, gets all hot and sweaty and looks very ill as he plays with a lot of stones in the garden, so I have a small nap in the sun. 

It's been a busy day all told.

A Ton Of Gravel

Going Gently is going all Homes & Gardens today.
Who says I can't do a " lifestyle blog"?
I've just shifted a ton of soddin gravel ! A huge bag of which was unloaded by small grabber thing on the back of a lorry early this morning. The lorry got stuck for a while in the lane blocking the school rat run traffic which was fun and the two workmen were delayed for several minutes longer by Winnie's need for on-the-lip kisses. Fair dos both obliged her with a snog and she is now lying in a sunny spot in the garden , basking in the afterglow.
I was on my last legs, filling a bucket with the last few ounces of gravel when a neighbour skipped past commenting " That looks like a big job for you " 
I noted the " for you"bit and shot back a quick " fuck off!" Then promptly broke wind loudly as I heaved the load onto the new path!
The results as you will agree are impressive! ( the paths not the fart)

This afternoon I have filled the cottage with flowers from the garden
I think I'm frigging Jane Asher

The Women Of Trelawnyd comment on the Election

God Help Us

I have voted
I took the dogs with me and William peed on the leg of the voting booth
Perhaps he put it better than I ever could.

Firelight

The cottage is lit by firelight and it's raining heavily outside.
I am listening to radio 4 watching Mary Cuddling up to Winnie in the darkness
The Prof is away

Albert is playing with my toes

Pebble-dash

I have been painting the render on the outside of the cottage for much of the day.
It's an odious job.
Twice ramblers have stopped for eggs ( remembering I sold them from previous hikes) and twice they have been somewhat startled by the sight of a masturbating bulldog rubbing her fanny on the garden steps when they leaned over the lane wall.
I'm so used to it, I don't bother to even acknowledge her behaviour any more.
" Oh dear" one woman exclaimed when she spied Winnie whipping herself into an absolute frenzy this time against the outhouse wall " a woman has needs, don't you baby?! " she cooed. Her husband was more practical and certainly nonplussed
" She'll have all your pebble-dash  off with an arse that size " he warned 

A Jar By The Door

I spoke to someone recently who spent their birthday alone.
Without a hint of self pity they mentioned that they had received just one Facebook Birthday greeting and shared that their birthday treat to themselves was a coffee in a city cafe where the waiter was kind.
Loneliness seemed to seep out of them like sweat

I'm fifty five years old and I have never really experienced loneliness. I am lucky...so very lucky
Today, in the churchyard a man sat quietly on a bench in the blustery weather. He was visiting the grave of his wife. I waved at him as I fed the bachelors and he waved back.
He once told me that loneliness was " worse than cancer". 
His wife died of cancer.

Ah look at all the lonely people
Ah look at all the lonely people

Eleanor Rigby, picks up the rice
In the church where a wedding has been
Lives in a dream
Waits at the window, wearing the face
That she keeps in a jar by the door
Who is it for

All the lonely people
Where do they all come from?
All the lonely people
Where do they all belong?

Father McKenzie, writing the words
Of a sermon that no one will hear
No one comes near
Look at him working, darning his socks
In the night when there's nobody there
What does he care

All the lonely people
Where do they all come from?
All the lonely people
Where do they all belong?

Ah look at all the lonely people
Ah look at all the lonely people

Eleanor Rigby, died in the church
And was buried along with her name
Nobody came
Father McKenzie, wiping the dirt
From his hands as he walks from the grave
No one was saved

All the lonely people
Where do they all come from?
All the lonely people
Where do they all belong?

More Entries!

Two more entries have been received

For the novelty veg competition  

From Carol Caudwell 

From Notesfromabroad

Please send yours to me at 

jgsheffield@hotmail.com

Stormy Weather

Torrential rain seems to have moved in and the cottage looked dark and slightly depressing after the sun of yesterday.
I have switched on the gay pink flamingos in the kitchen and everything looks slightly more cheerful.
I am making bolognese
We have only had one bit of excitement this morning as Mary careered around the house yelping like a puppy.

She had trapped her head inside a plastic coat hanger!

Three Words

Theresa May spoke for all of us today when she said calmly and with obvious resolve

" Enough Is Enough"

Jump Start

Jason the affable despot told me that the village hall has a new vending machine.
It turns out that a community defibrillator has been fitted!
Now I am somewhat surprised that no information has been given out by the community council as an initiative like this needs publicity, especially as it could be instrumental in saving someone's life.

Trelawnyd People take note...it is situated by the side door!

The International Novelty Veg Photo

I can't say that I have not been  just a little disappointed with the number of entries for the International Novelty Veg/fruit photo competition so far.... But  the ones that have arrived so far have been lovely and rather  innovative!
Today Sue Williams sent this " Flower Fairies " photo! Followed by Sondra's " Onion Breath" 
Please keep em coming please!
Send your photos to me at jgsheffield@hotmail.com

Fat Feet

After a night shift comprising of multiple  code browns , and without any sleep I have helped the Prof  set the tent up at Porth Eirias Beach.
We looked like a couple of Victorian safari porters as we treked over from the car park with two folding deck chairs, a wind break, a beach bag stuffed nose to nipple with everything any self respecting boy scout may need in a crisis, a cool bag with salads, melon and fruit , ipads and toilet roll, and after the obligatory row we set up base camp on the golden sands of the North Wales coast.
It's been more stressful than organising the friggin Olympics!

" I detest cheap sentiment!"

"What a story...Everything but the bloodhounds snappin' at her rear end!" 
So wisecracked the dresser Birdie Coonan at Eve Harrington's sob story in All About Eve.

I adore sassy Hollywood, always have done.
I wish I could be as cool as Ida Corwin from Mildred Pierce who commentated about the odious Veda Pierce by puffing on her cigarette and throwing out the quip " Personally I think alligators have the right idea...they eat their young"  and I would kill to be able to roll my eyes like Bette Davis and spit out a "what a dump!" remark when the need arises.

This clip of Lauren Bacall and Humphrey Bogart talking about sex in The Big Sleep is a clever example of how the Hayes code was sideswiped by metaphor and innuendo

Beetroot

I've had a nice birthday.
The Prof bought me a polar bear light which I rather like and we went to twin sister Janet's home  for a lovely ( if potentially calorific ) twin based birthday tea!
I was pretty good after I ate a scotch egg ( oh be still my beating heart) By scoffing a load of cooked beetroot to fill myself up.
Tomorrow my urine will be purple!
Thank you all for your cards, gifts, phone calls and best wishes...as Larry Grayson used to mouth at the end of The Generation Game I will say..." I love you all" 
Ps I have been asked by bloggers what I eventually looked like when the face mask was finally removed
Here is my selfie

Happy Birthday!

The Prof bought me an age-busting face mask for my birthday

Hey ho

Observations

• The blue Iris in the garden have flowered because of the rain last night. I've been gardening this afternoon and spied Dr Barnsley walking his bad tempered dog, Meg. He was wearing what suspiciously looked like a coolie hat
• There is perhaps one gladioli growing in the garden of the house that used to have bin bags on it's windows. If it is the same one I saw last year it will win the gladioli class in the Flower Show for sure for it's a stunner! .....strangely it is the only flower in the garden!
• Polish Monika was picking daisies in the churchyard and was making her daughter a headband with them. Winnie trotted over to say hello to both but only after she had sniffed her way through their pushchair. She was looking for goodies to eat.
• The affable despots' girls called round with a birthday car and gift. Both Eve and Liv, were wearing matching bows in their hair. Mom Claire joked that they looked like Yorkshire terriers.
• Cameron's mother reminded me that she has kept me some plants for the garden, it was Cameron's 18th birthday last week!
• Village life ...plods on.......

55

Tomorrow my sister and I shall be fifty five.

Fifty-fucking-five!

55! 

Five score years and five! 

In Welsh pum deg pump!

Bloody Hell......where did the time go?
It seems only like a minute and a fart away, I was finishing school. From there with hips like a snake I became the " worst bank clerk in North Wales "  before I entered a nursing career as a student psychiatric nurse with bad dress sense and a full head of brown hair.
A squeak later I was in York -North Yorkshire, finding all about sex,and fun and exciting salad days with friends.... before settling down in Sheffield with a mortgage, cats and some bad choices in men!
I worked hard in a career, earned my own ward eventually was lucky enough to meet the man I was eventually going to marry and suddenly we were embracing life in a small Welsh village with dogs and chickens and pigs and ducks with me working part time work on intensive care.

And now we enter another scene in our life movie. My hair is greying on the sides and thinning on the top. My waistline is less snakehips and more buffalo arse (even though I have recently lost 28 lbs)! and in a handful of shifts, I officially retire from work and will turn my face to the sun of a new chapter in our lives where we move onwards and upwards.

Fifty five tomorrow! How exciting!
I feel energised and so positive about what is going to happen,
Even though I still can fart like a machine gun when I bend over

I'm the gay one on the left

Drag Queen

Your drag queen name is supposedly you first pet's name coupled with your sexual fetish subject! ( or so I have been told)
I think this is a flawed way of working it out!
Even though my drag name is apparently Kimmy Crowe!

Nigel , one of my best  friends, always told me that his drag Queen name was Gloria Abyss which is a  delight ......Ru Paul's best contestant names, in my opinion , are jinxx Monsoon, Langanja Estranga, and Pandora Boxx , so the formula which is used is not always clear cut .
My personal favourite was Kitty Litter! 

So my question for today ( well..actually tomorrow)  , dear readers,  IS what is your  drag queen name?
Answers on a postcard!

Uk Bank Holiday

Bank Holidays in the Uk, by virtue of bad weather can be more disappointing than then your average Bette Midler movie.
Today is par for the course.
I will leave you with a photo of the wonderful Kelpie sculptures in Falkirk!
Enjoy