A Crap Behind The Goosehouse

Sorrel and The Prof are off to Manchester shopping today. They were up early getting ready, so I was left desperate for the bathroom for an absolute age.
Small cottages, I am afraid, only have one bathroom!
Finally I had to do something drastic and at 7am , after letting out the hens and the geese and Bingley,, with my legs crossed, I disappeared behind the goosehouse for a " quick squat"
Now.........
The goosehouse effectively screened me from the lane and from the neighbours' houses So I kind of relaxed into " the act" as I felt all " fresh" and warmed by the sun!
Suddenly there was a movement behind me and around a dozen hens appeared from nowhere  all of them eager to see what was being left for them. One of them even pecked at the label on my underpants.....they could have drawn more attention to me if they had walked over  carrying small placards with " JOHN'S TAKING A CRAFTY DUMP" written all over them.
By the time I was fishing around for some tissues, Bingley slowly steamed into view gobbling loudly to the world,  his tail fanned out ready for a hopeful shag.
Sometimes I need to remind myself I am nearly 53 years old!

MIL Selfie

My first mum in law selfie

I've Run Out Of Bleach

Just as I was building up for the final push of " Operation Dog Snot removal" , the plumbers arrived to play around with our ball cock. To cap it all Chris is working from home and it is pouring down, so muddy foot marks and a sink full of dishes have added to the workload
Not much to complain about in the great scheme of things, but the sons and daughter in law blog readers of a visiting mom in law will understand perfectly where I am coming from.
A clean and tidy home and guest room is respectful and underlines just a tiny bit that you are not a useless son in law!
The plumbers finished their job early. They enjoy coming because Winnie shadows their every movement and blows kisses at them when they lie on the floor to catch up with their plumbing
As she was busy, I got on with cutting the clingons from William's bum.
He hates this ritual , and looked suitably ashamed of himself as he stood on the kitchen table waiting for the  scissors to start cutting! ( I have put in this little snippet of information just for Rachel)

Mother-in-law arrives in five hours..........I may just be finished

Stuffing

Sometimes I can plan a really well crafted, entertaining, and well written blog entry
and only get  a couple of comments
So today, I thought I'd post this snippet of village life
and wonder just how many reactions I receive!
So,
I think we have a new postman

I've just heard him swearing by the front door after William snatched the post off him 

as he pushed it through the letter box.

I didnt bother checking if any fingers have been nipped

I've been too busy stuffing cannelloni
William is now smiling to himself on the couch!
He loves the sport of frightening a new virgin postie

As you can see

It's a no news day today

"You..........you..........beast!"

Apologies to the neighbours

I have just completed a three hour study session at Sams

So have just got home, locked up the birds then taken out the dogs for a pee

The Prof is working away tonight

As usual Albert followed us down the lane.

Suddenly out of the dark an old ford fiesta ( I know who you are)

Screamed down  Cwm Road

I pulled the dogs behind me out of the way and  a wide eyed Albert legged it towards the safety of Carole's gateway, missing the car's tyres by just an inch or so

Like I said apologies again to the neighbours who may have wondered who exactly was shouting rather aggressively

" YOU TWATFACE FUCKER.....FUCKING ARSEHOLE!"

at exactly 9.05 pm

A pissed off Albert around 9.30 pm

Operation Dog Snot Removal

I've done some difficult and unpleasant jobs 

and have been subjected to some rather unsavoury experiences in my time.

I've dealt with poo, and wee in bucket loads,

I have dressed pressure sores the size of a dinner plates,

Mopped up bin bag fulls of vomit 

And performed minor surgery on the impacted and putrid crop of poorly Orpington.

I have assisted the the amputation of a human leg,

Once helped in the removal of a glove ( each finger filled with a severed digit)

and was hit by an exploding bag of stomach bile thrown by a confused patient .

Suffice to day nothing much fazes me when it comes to secretions and blood.

Today I have been retching like a pussy sailor on his first voyage

So much so, that I have been gasping for breath over the back garden wall with tears in my eyes

and what has been the subject of my sudden malaise I hear you ask?

Well..........

I have been trying to brush the teeth of an aging Scottish terrier with halitosis

The toothpaste apparently is liver flavoured

To me it smells almost as bad as George's breath.

Another unsung hero job from your average house husband

This is all part of " Operation Dog Snot Removal"

My mother in law is due a visit on Thursday!

Camilla bombed

Always concentrate on what you are doing where animals are concerned.
It's a good lesson that not always remembered.
The phone went early this morning and as expected it was Olwen who told me that Bob had died peacefully.
I went out to sort the animals out and got to thinking how awful it is for anyone who has lost a loved one when the sun shines and the world looks as though it is going on as normal.
We have all been there have we not?
On the surface everyone else's life is unchanged when your reality has crumbled
My thoughts are for Olwen and her family today.

It was this preoccupation that made me sloppy this morning.
For after emptying the goose house, I crawled inside , grabbed this morning's laid eggs and stuck my head back out , squinting into the sun.
Then Something  smacked me very hard in the eye

Hell hath no fury than a broody Canada Goose called Camillla Parker Bowles

Home Nursing

There will be no church service in Trelawnyd today. Gaynor, the hilarious Church organist told us somewhat breathlessly yesterday.. The vicar took a tumble in a local stately home the other day and is recuperating at home.. I shall miss the church bell ringing before service tine.
It looks as though its going to be a bright day here today, a day to catch up with jobs. The Prof will send some time holed up in his office, which gives me a chance to deliver eggs, drop off a glut of goose eggs to Auntie Glad and Ian & Jo in the village. I am buttering Ian up with the eggs in order to get him and his partner to enter the cookery classes in the flower show ( he's a mean baker by all accounts)
I also need to call around to my friends Bob & Olwen in their neat little house in the centre of the village. Some years ago, Bob taught me how to cull a group of unwanted cockerels. An experienced and responsible poultry farmer of many years, Bob insisted that the job was done with gentleness and respect. The birds were handled in an almost zen like way, relaxing them in an almost hypnotic stupor before " the dispatch". and after the deed was done, he taught me to prepare the carcasses from plucking to gutting with considerable patience.
I felt I had the rare opportunity to learn from a master

Bob giving me my first plucking lesson!

It wasn't a buxom cockerel was it not?

I have a feeling he's still in the bottom of the freezer

Unfortunately Bob has been poorly in hospital recently and Olwen took the brave decision to nurse him at home as his condition deteriorated. Palliative care nursing at home is a hard road to walk is it not?

Chris and I have always told each other that we want to die at home. I want to be surrounded by dogs under a patchwork quilt, but that's my Hollywood version of what I want I guess.......

The reality of home nursing is sleepless nights, a whole marching band of visiting, well intentioned professionals and a home that is transformed into cross between  care home and hospital ward.

I saw all this when my mother cared for both of my grandmothers at home in the months before their deaths and I saw it all again when my brother died peacefully in his own home.

It's bloody hard work

Home nursing works, if support is ongoing, you are mentally and physically strong enough to cope with the day to day workload and you have pragmatic nursing cover.

So , I will call up to Bob and Olwen's today. I take the Sunday paper. I will offer to sit with Bob if Olwen wants to pop out and I will listen to the day's events with hopeful alacrity. That's all I can do

And Up and down the country thousands upon thousands of Olwens are home nursing their loved ones behind closed doors and curtained windows.

Hey ho