Last month my former mother in law died. It was peaceful by all accounts and I was informed by my nephew in messenger and a few days later by my ex husband by email. I’m still not quite sure how I feel about it. It’s been over eight years since we spoke last, and that , in the great scheme of things is a long time, especially when you have processed a grief once already.
I was back to work last night, and so had a nap on the trendy blue sofa with Mary and Bun before I went .It wasn’t a restful sleep, the anxieties of returning to work with a catheter in situ , put paid to that, but I did dream about My ex mother in law, and saying goodbye to her on the station.
She would always cry when we said goodbye, invariably my husband would already be at work when she left for Kent, so it was my job to get her safely on the London bound train, but I remember her bottom lip would always tremble as she tried to be brave, and I would chivvy her along with a bit of banter and a hug.
I wasn’t really dreaming was I?
I was remembering
As a mother it can be very difficult in a divorce to deal with the sometimes conflicting emotions of loyalty and affection. You’ve said goodbye quite nicely.
ReplyDeleteweavinfool
It all seems like a long long time ago
DeleteWow. For the first time I’m proud of Chris for communicating this to you
ReplyDeleteYes, it was thoughtful
DeleteYour MIL wasn't part of the divorce and your love for each other continued. She knew that for sure, so you can rest easy.
ReplyDeleteWishing you a day without bothers as you return to work. You've got this!
Hugs!
No it didn’t continue , it ended l that’s why it was so conflicted
DeleteMy mistake - sorry. Hugs!
DeleteXx ❤️
DeleteParting is such sweet sorrow. I'm sure she continued to feel the same.
ReplyDeleteIt doesn’t matter now
DeleteIt is strange when you are reminded of people who you have already grieved for and let go of emotionally. Bitter sweet.
ReplyDeleteMarisAna, I think you have captured the mood in the room here
DeleteOur minds are strange. We can go years without thinking of someone, then suddenly we see/feel their presence. It can be unsettling and comforting at the same time.
ReplyDeleteI hope the return to work was without incident. Have a long restful sleep today. You're still in recovery! xx
I slept heavily from 9 to 3
DeleteGood that your nephew and ex had the respect to let you know.
ReplyDeleteRemembering dreams can be vivid. Hold onto the good ones. x
He’s a nice kid
DeleteI remember you cleaning the dog snot off the car window in honour of her visits. Our emotions can confuse us at times. x
ReplyDeleteOperation dog snot removal
DeleteI remember that you were quite hurt when she did not seem to want to keep in touch with you after your separation. You used to use her name but I can't remember what it was now.
ReplyDeleteI was terribly hurt. But it was a long time ago. Her name was sorrel
DeleteSuch a shame how it ended 8 years ago. The dream was a touching good-bye.
ReplyDeleteI was processing the trigger
DeleteI hope all goes well when you go back to work. x
ReplyDeleteI was incredibly tired and a little sore but luckily it wasn’t too busy
DeleteI am in awe that you are going back to work, in spite of all of the health challenges. I found that work, focussing on other people’s needs, distracted me from a lot of pain. What an example you are to the younger generation, who seem to be rather a feeble lot.
ReplyDeleteThe girls I was on with were sweet , they didn’t stare at my leg bag outline lol
DeleteI remember you had a good relationship with your ex's mother even though she was from "Down South". It was good of Leo to be the first to let you know about her death.
ReplyDeleteNot as good as I thought but yes
DeleteWishing you well as you return to work. I’m sorry about your former mother in law. It is extremely painful coping with a relationship that was close and then becomes fractured -not by your own choice. Nice that your nephew immediately thought of you and contacted you. Jean in Winnipeg.
ReplyDeleteThank you
DeleteGrief is complicated, moreso by relationships and changes.
ReplyDeleteIt’s all a maelstrom of sorts lol
DeleteIt’s a strange situation when ex parents in law die , I think we just do the best we can . Will you go to her funeral ? Hope your return to work went well xx
ReplyDeleteNo Shelly, I made a mistake going to his dad’s funeral , I won’t be repeating that. I have supported my nephew and have listened to his eulogy
DeleteAnd sat in the “ cheap seats” as you called them
DeleteLee🥲
Those cheap seats almost killed me
DeleteHope your time at work went smoothly, John.
ReplyDeleteTiring but fine x😄👍🌈👀
DeleteMy first husband's mother died soon after he and I split up. I had loved and admired her very much and that made it all more complex. I understand. Many emotions.
ReplyDeleteComplete is the word dearheart
DeleteI remember all the effort you used to put into her visits making her room as clean and comfortable as possible. Did you do an easter egg hunt for her once? I don't think your kindness was reciprocated somehow. x
ReplyDeletelol yes,I hid Easter eggs all around the garden
DeleteI remember. x
DeleteHappy but slightly exasperated memories
DeleteGrief is complicated, even more so after divorce.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad work went well. I guess on the upside, you don't have to take pee breaks:) Too soon?
Not too soon . Lol
DeletePerhaps she was saying goodbye to you.
ReplyDeleteNo…I was a dream , she never ever did goodbye to me
DeleteIt was shortly after I started reading your blog that your divorce happened. After he left I kept waiting for the explosion from you - the tell all and the anger that had to be there. Instead I read about your confusion and a closely edited version of your personal pain. I couldn't believe how much of a true gentleman you were to not take this public opportunity to lash out. I'm pretty sure I would have. But how I admired and respected you for your restraint.
ReplyDeleteI would bet dollars to doughnuts, the same is true for his mother. If not, that was her loss.
Ps. That catheter can't be fun!
Katie, no, I think she needed me to be the baddie, my ex was her favourite and so important to her existence. …but thank you for your observations , I didn’t want to be angry even though I was seething
DeleteKeith here
DeleteI remember those confused days too, with you trying to make sense of not only the loss of a husband but the total loss of another family .
I suspect your “ in-laws “ hated the introspection and honestly of this public journal . “ public” is not for everyone , and I think you understand that too.
Your grief has passed, you experienced it years ago when she ( and I do remember this quote ) “ she dropped me like a cheap whore!
Now she’s died, of course you feel little , the emotions have been processed at her instigation
Xx
I think you have nailed it on the head my old mucker xxx
DeleteMy ex's mother died unexpectedly. Basically stood up and dropped down dead. She was a lovely woman and kept in touch with me after we divorced. She even sent me a present for my first child in my new marriage. He later told me that I was the daughter she'd always wanted and was angry at him for the divorce (and it was his actions that caused it).
ReplyDeleteMy husband's mother died at the ripe old age of 96. A cold woman, no matter how hard I tried, it was never enough. I only made her happy when I produced her grandson to carry on their name. It's a strange family, my poor husband was only told she'd died the day after it happened and one of his brothers thought to call us. He would have made the trip (1200km) to be there but they couldn't be bothered to tell him she was in hospital.
I grieved the first, butnot the second.
I grieved for sorrel, during 2018/19
DeleteThe final goodbye under any circumstance is hard.
ReplyDeleteLeo contacting you and letting you know about her passing speaks very well of him. He knows the score.
Chris did follow-up but Leo was first.
Xx
DeleteI had two MILs. The first was an alcoholic and I was never good enough for her son, she only tolerated me when I produced two granddaughters for her. Her parents were lovely but we only had them for about four years. I only met my second MIL when she was 89 and had dementia, I think she thought I was one of her 5 daughters she died soon after when we were sailing across the Atlantic so we didn’t know till about a month later. Happy that I met her once. I am happy that Leo keeps in touch and that you get to have Leo weekends. He is a good young man. Gigi
ReplyDeleteHe’s making his own eulogy at the service and I was touched he shared it with me
DeleteI remember that time in your life and how we, your readers, grieved for you and your situation. I have been friends with you longer than many I know in person! I am glad Leo and Chris let you know. I remember when my sister-in-law left her husband for a different man and the way my MIL handled it. She let her son-in-law know that she still loved him and was not in favor of the decision her daughter had made.
ReplyDeleteNell, a voice of sense x
DeleteI'm glad you're not going to the funeral. You don't need to re-open those wounds any more than her death will have already.
ReplyDeleteBefore my Dad died he asked about my ex. I wish I had asked the ex to visit. Dad only ever wished him well and probably just wanted a last goodbye.
I too believe a divorce doesn't mean you cannot contact the no ex-inlaws. I plan to remain in touch with my brother's ex as she was a good woman I admired.
ReplyDelete