Why am I always attracted to men who have a certain sadness about them?
Empathy? Rescuer syndrome? Carer? Saver?
I know where I come from and I understand my motivations
But sometimes , just sometimes , it would be nice to date a guy, or to even meet a guy who hasn’t got lots of baggage behind the kind eyes and the easy manner.
Who doesn’t spill a psychological problem out at you within hours of conversation
Is it me? Perhaps it is
No John it is not you, some people just seem to have to spill it all to a kind hearted, good listener - sound familiar? After all you are a Counsellor and a man of the world who has run the gamut of experiences and I am sure folks pick up on your empathy, good luck in finding the man you deserve and he realises the gem you are. Jan in Castle Gresley
ReplyDeleteI think I’m just a little disappointed
DeleteI'm sure there is a kindred spirit out there for you. One who has some baggage (haven't we all) but doesn't feel the need to offload it all in the first day. You just have to find him. Not an easy task, but not impossible, either. He'll turn up when you're not looking! xx
ReplyDeleteLet’s hope so, but I’m convinced I’m a spinster lol
Deletenoun derogatory • dated
Deletean unmarried woman, typically an older woman beyond the usual age for marriage.
I agree with every word that Jan comments above. Why do you think we read your blog. Every day I learn something from you. Like Jan I hope with all my heart that you meet that deserving man and you live together in amity and love. Love Andie xxxxx
ReplyDeleteI share everything here, and im glad i do , warts and all
DeleteMethinks Jan in Castle Greasley has hit the proverbial nail on the head. You surely radiate kindness, too.
ReplyDeleteWe, your far afield friends, will endeavor to request the man of your dreams without lots of baggage will find you as soon as possible and you and he will recognize each other. Then, of course, live happily ever after.
Hugs!
My good friend from the streaming site , Jan from Germany sent me an AI Essay about me and kind Filipe of Spain , it’s a hoot , I will blog it yesterday
DeleteEveryone has baggage, problems, issues. I do, you do, and so does Mr Right. Don't chase the unicorn, John.
ReplyDeleteI get that but a bit of normal is good
DeleteYou'd be so bored by Mr Normal. Even Somewhat Normal.
DeleteIt is pretty common at our age I would think. We didn't get here without dragging some baggage along with us.
ReplyDeleteI imagine a few of my previous passions must have thought the same about me, although it seems that P didn't really care too much about it
I don’t usually , perhaps I’m being a little sensitive today
DeleteI've watched one of my daughters lurch from relationship to relationship. She gives too easily and is eventually kicked aside. She is one of the kindest people I know and deserves happiness in spades. I wish for you what I wish for her - a decent, kind, loving partner. Never give up.
ReplyDeleteI have given up albeit it gracefully
DeleteWhen it is Mr. right, nothing else will matter.
ReplyDeleteI've never met anyone in my entire life that did not have some baggage. It is a given and no way around it.
There is Baggage and there’s BAGGAGE
DeleteContinuing a relationship with someone who has a lot of needs but doesn’t meet yours. That could be a problem to look within for the reasons. Simply meeting people with those issues is common. Anyway, I’d probably be one to share too much on the first go. Then again, I don’t know. I did when I met SG, but my sister had just died, so I suppose I was just really raw at the time. Oops, that wasn’t meant to be all about me, was it?!?
ReplyDeleteHugs
DeleteI think when we get to a certain age we all have a lot of baggage it’s unavoidable in life. Heather
ReplyDeleteOh lord hey ho
DeleteMaybe they sense the psychologist in you... lol your a safe space... And i do think the idea of age and all the baggage that comes with it is a valid answer some have mentioned.. Hugs! deb
ReplyDeleteI think there is an element of truth in your words my friend
DeleteYou probably radiate kindness and safety. That attracts needy people. But I think you can and will find a giver, not a taker.
ReplyDeleteI like to be needed
DeleteOh dear I don't want to upset you but it is you and me also. Ever since I was a child I have been privy to people's uttermost secrets. People know they can trust you and complete strangers unload. I don't think many people are like us. It is something we do not have control over and we will always be at a disadvantage because we are the givers and the others are the takers.
ReplyDeleteMy grandmother was the same. It is possible I suppose that it is an inherited quality. Sorry...I hope I have not spoiled your day. I hope that one day someone will return the love that you give so selflessly and
naturally.
No it’s a view that may well be right
DeleteWith you being a happy-go-lucky guy, filled with the joys of spring - it is probably true what they say about opposites attracting.
ReplyDeleteMy husband was fairly miserable lol
DeleteJohn, I’m much older than you and everyone I know, or meet, carries heavy baggage. If they don’t admit it, they are dishonest.But, I wish people didn’t lead with that. I agree that you are so kind and open that others want to be part of your world.
ReplyDeleteSending the biggest hug ever and love, Carol in Atl.
Thank u dearHeart
Delete
ReplyDeleteAre there undamaged gay men your age? I doubt it. I can't imagine it was easy being gay in the '70s and '80's and then AIDS came along with a whole new reason to discriminate against gay men.
Then there is the whole male thing. Are gay men better at communicating than straight men? Is it a gender thing or a sexuality thing? Not sure.
And lastly, there is life. By the time you get to our age, life has ground us down in so many ways, broken our hearts over and over, and left us damaged.
At least that's my two cents:)
Good point well made pixie
DeleteWhen I first met the man I've now been married to for forty years, I thought surely there must be something wrong with him. He was always happy, always sweet, hard-working, and loved his family deeply.
ReplyDeleteI had never met what I now realize was a healthy man before. Not really. I'd always gone for the tortured souls. But. I soon realized that this man was a very good man and as such, I could trust my love with him. Thankfully, I did. And here we are.
Now? Is he perfect?
Please.
Am I?
You jest.
Do we still love and trust and respect each other tremendously? We do.
A lovely comment from a lovely lady
DeleteOh, babes.
ReplyDeleteIf we were to fall for the right ones, we wouldn’t keep the bad ones. I seem to have a radar.
XOXO
Me too x
DeleteIn my experience gay men are fuck ups
ReplyDeleteLee
( u are an exception )
Am I ? Xx
DeleteOh lord hey ho
ReplyDeleteDarn it John, we all want Mr Right to waltz into your life and give you the love you deserve, but, but, he won’t be perfect, and because I’m not imagining a 20yo he will have a past! However, your gentle, listening personally means the more damaged guys spill their pain/history on you really fast. The upside of that is that you can avoid getting entangled, which short circuits future disasters! So there is an upside!
ReplyDeleteThere is a Mr Right out there for you, someone nearly your age, and equally able to recognise goodness when he meets it. XX Virginia.
It won’t happen, I’m sort of resigned to be a spinster
DeleteMuch better that than the wrong bloke! As well you know! The right guy would have to meet the approval of the pack, and it'd take someone special to do that, wouldn't it.
DeleteWe all have baggage but I think by middle age we should be carrying it more lightly
ReplyDeleteDon’t ever give up. Everyone has a bag or two. Maybe you judge too quickly. You deserve to find the one you are meant to be with. Maybe they all don’t need to have a beard and look like a King. Gigi
ReplyDeleteThe manner in which you listen must be second nature to you after years of nursing, and you listen to heal. I know from experience when we get people to start opening up about one issue they often tell us way more than we bargained for. Better to find out sooner rather than later though!
ReplyDeleteHonest question- do you think if an honest, maybe a little nerdy, trustworthy, loving man was interested in you, you would find him boring? Not full of complicated pain and striving? In therapy groups we used to call these good man ‘normies.’ They dont need fixing!
ReplyDeleteSuz from California
I think it’s a bit self indulgent to spill your baggage on the first few dates. Surely those should be about trying to be curious about the other person and hopefully a few laughs. Spilling the beans so early is a red flag that it’s an all consuming factor in the persons life. Jane x
ReplyDeleteGood points Jane. I agree 🤔
DeleteI agree too - a bit like one wearing a MAGA hat, it makes identifying the non-starters obvious!
DeleteWe all have good days and bad days. Hope you have a better day tomorrow. xo
ReplyDeleteBeing drawn to those in need. Your professional and your personal lives have a lot in common.
ReplyDeleteGuys of a certain age have all kinds of life experiences, which usually equals baggage of some kind. But who wants a 20 yo who has yet to acquire that?
ReplyDeleteDo you think anyone enters their sixties without baggage of one sort or another?
ReplyDeleteI think I found a couple of clues. Hospice nursing and a new career as a counsellor.
ReplyDeleteI think everyone in our age group has baggage, its what makes them interesting/who they are, it's whether or not they have packed it away nicely or not that matters. Some folk need to share their story but the best ones don't need to re-live it or pull you into it. A New start should be what they are looking for, to leave all that behind. I guess the first question when you meet is whether they have done that. Betty p.s. I think anyone who loves animals (like you) is worth the baggage tbh.
ReplyDeleteI think it's a couple of things and not just you. We are a bit more "damaged" as we get older and life has roughened us up a bit, and also you have an empathetic and listening manner. The temptation to open up about personal problems so early must be great for them. It would be great if you were to get to know someone you found attractive in a very casual setting where you both had time to just spend time together without too much introspection on their part. A difficult I ask I know.
ReplyDeleteHaving read your blog for years I say that you have quite a bit of baggage yourself. We all do. Taking time to suss out if a relationship is desireable takes time. If the person is interesting enough one looks past some of the armor to find who is at the core. First impressions can sometimes fool you. The other person is looking for certain things also.
ReplyDeleteweavinfool
As my dear counselor says: "We live in their world, sweetie." What she means is that that 99 percent of people have unhealed trauma (aka baggage) and those of us who are healing in therapy are the 1 percent. She has told me that some people can "adult well" in spite of being emotional children, but most people cannot. Because of their childhood trauma, most people are stuck there emotionally, and don't respond to the present but react from the past. Read anything by Dr. Gabor Mate, or listen to his YouTube videos. He helped me understand trauma. My counselor helped me heal.
ReplyDeleteAnother date that did not go as hoped? Never give up. You are so sweet, and such a good listener.
ReplyDelete