Sometimes as a nurse, you are lucky enough to work with a sister wiho has compassion and sense.
On intensive care , two decades ago, I worked with such a sister.My patient was a Young man who was dying
He was ventilated and sedated and looked asleep save for closed eyes which were kept shut by two large foam square dressings ( if you have a patient with half opened eyes their eyes can dry out and can be damaged through lack of moisture )
My job was to prepare his family for his death and to return the ventilator to its basic settings which would allow the patient to gently fade away from his overwhelming illness
The sister let me work at my own pace but as his parents sat down hand in hand , she whispered “ John make sure his eye pads are removed”…
I nodded without quite understanding, but trusting her I complied immediately …..
And moments later, my patent slowed his breaths with dignity and I will always remember his mother crying out quietly
“ I can see my boy , I can see my boy again”
That sister taught me the importance of allowing relatives to see their loved ones without the barrier of dressings and masks and the like.
To see the person as they know them , devoid of the many trappings of intensive care
And those words of “ I can see my boy again” will always be with me until the end of my nursing career
When I saw Ray after he died, he still had the strap that holds the ventilation mouthpiece in place. That wasn't great and when I and a friend viewed his body before cremation, the mark had stayed on his face where the strap like thing was. I didn't complain but perhaps I should have. It would have been so simple to remove it. It can be very minor things when someone dies, as you described well.
ReplyDeleteThe “ small” things like these stay in your mind. Andrew thank you for sharing this x
DeleteOh, you've made me cry again! Yes, the last image of a loved one is the one that remains. If they look peaceful, it must help to ease the pain a little. xx
ReplyDeleteMy grandmother as she followed my grandfather’s coffin down the aisle wailed “ my poor boy”;
DeleteThat finished me
I used to work in a Neonatal unit , one tiny baby was clearly in his last hours . I remember battling with a doctor to let me me take some of his “ tubes “ out and let his parents cuddle him in his last hours . I succeeded , I wanted them to remember him wrapped in a blanket in their arms
ReplyDeleteGood for u x
DeleteI remember my mother wearing a mask with tubing in her nose. After she died and the staff had confirmed her death they took away the mask and left the tubing in her nose. That is how I remember my mother on her death bed. It was not a pretty sight.
ReplyDeleteUnderstood
DeleteAnd consequently my last memories of her are was than pleasant.
ReplyDeleteUnderstood again
DeleteYou’ve got me wet-eyed again John, and you too Sue E. Those final minutes with loved ones do stick. I’ve nursed til the end both parents, in-laws and my dearest aunt, and the final goodbyes are etched into my memory.
ReplyDeleteIt’s a privilege Virginia , nowadays it’s a rarity
DeleteThat was a weepie.
ReplyDeleteIt was
DeleteEven I had a cry
There's a lot more to nursing than changing bandages and taking temperatures.
ReplyDeleteSimply and nicely said old friend
DeleteThere is a special God for nurses, John, and those who work to alleviate the suffering of others.
ReplyDeleteWe get our rewards that’s why we do it
DeleteMy husband didn’t want me to see him die. He had asked for MAID but it would not happen until the Monday. On the Friday the nurse told me, because he was so anxious to have it, that they would put him under heavy sedation and he would stay that way. So I told him they were going to do it that afternoon, and when they came to put in an IV he settled right down, he was ready and happy to go. I stayed with him a little while longer, said I love you and then went home. I didn’t go back to the hospital and he passed away on the Sunday morning. I feel guilty not being with him but the nurses told me he wouldn’t know and I did what he had asked of me. His last words as they were putting in the IV were I love you. He knew it was his time to die. Gigi
ReplyDeleteYou honoured him, and many patients that have such a wish will die as soon as their loved one leaves the room to go to the toilet…they know
Delete“I can see my boy , I can see my boy again”... I think of the millions of young men who have died in wars and of all the mothers who must have said those words in their dreams, only to wake to their cruel and eternal absence.
ReplyDeleteI never wanted to hear those words again
DeleteBut I have too many times
I think you have made many of us a little tearful this morning, John.
ReplyDeleteMe included
DeleteThank God for compassion.
ReplyDeleteAnd emotional intelligence
DeleteMy patient and husband were both admitted to hospital just before she died . What meant most to her husband was the nurses moved his bed beside hers so he could hold her hand . As you say John it’s the little things x Bernie
ReplyDeleteI’ve seen this done many times
DeleteMy Dad was laid out for us to visit in the chapel of rest, waiting for porters to take him to The College of Surgeons ( he had asked for his body be left to science )
ReplyDeleteSomeone said - “He hasn’t got his glasses on!”
He was never without his glasses but he was on that strange day and it made us giggle and cry a bit at the surreal situation.
Stress often surfaces in giggles sometimes gaffaws
DeleteAnother beautiful and poignant anecdote. I'm a little weepy this morning anyway -- I just received news of an old friend's death and so many memories are flooding in.
ReplyDeleteBig hugs from your gay mate from across the pond xxxx
DeleteYou know, this really underscores the importance of kindness...it not only comforts the recipients, but changes the hearts of those who witness it. Thank you for the reminder.
ReplyDeleteIt also underlines the emotional intelligence of that sister
DeleteNurses can make such a difference.
ReplyDeleteIn positive and negative ways xx
DeleteWhen you tell us these stories, you are passing on the wisdom of those who have taught you, along with your experience. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteAnd I’m gently debriefing too my friend
DeleteThere is a very good book in your lifetime of experiences. You can do anything you put your mind to. A very touching story, and a very important message for families and health care providers.
ReplyDeleteThank you David, I read your email , I just have not replied ( obviously) as yet, I will
DeleteTravel said it all.
ReplyDeleteDidn’t he?
DeleteThank goodness for that sister's kind insight so your long ago patient's family could see their son again was he always was. A life lesson for everyone.
ReplyDeleteKindness is free and nurses have unique opportunities to make things better and easier for their patients and those patient's loved ones. Ta for this touching story, John.
Yes, please, a 2nd book to help nurses be better nurses.
Hugs!
Babs , I have the benefit of a good memory
DeleteThat's a valuable lesson, thank you. When my husband died, in at home hospice, I was his chief carer, not a nurse,me, just a devoted partner. He had oxygen nasal tubes, which I removed. I closed his eyes and arranged his body to lie with dignity.
ReplyDeleteHe looked so peaceful, and friends who came for one last visit were reassured, it was his old self still. Our son helped dress him in a favorite outfit, before they took him for cremation. It all went very calmly, good memories. His anniversary is Friday this week, which is our son's birthday.
Boud, beautifully shared
DeleteThank you
ReplyDelete🩷🙏
DeleteThank you for sharing this very compassionate story. I will remember this going forward. Of the three family members I witnessed dying, one was at home with hospice care and there was no paraphernalia and only pain relief to ease dying. The other two were in hospital. One in intensive care with many tubes and oxygen...right up to death. This was not a peaceful passing. The last one was also in hospital in a private room with oxygen and pain relief medication drip. I was present but had stepped out of the room to use the bathroom and during these few minutes, he died. The nurse said some people choose to die alone. I often wonder if this is true.
ReplyDeleteSusan, see below, dying when alone is a common occurrence and not incidental in my experience
Deleteeeee i've got a lump in me clack reading that...... thanks for sharing a touching story and experience..... i really hope to have an ounce of such compassion and empathy as that nurse, and subsequently yourself!!
ReplyDeleteShe taught me so much in that simple instruction
DeleteYes, Susan, it is true. My grandfather was dying, in his own bed at home, and I sat with him for hours, reminiscing and reading some of his favourite things, although he was in a fading coma and to all intents not with me. I nipped out, five steps across the landing, to use the bathroom. Having warned him not to die when I was gone. He died anyway, in those two minutes. Independent and himself to his last breath.
ReplyDeleteMy daughter was nursing an elderly traveller lady, who had so many children, about seventeen of them, and what seemed hundreds of visiting relations, arriving in shifts, so she was given a side room on her own for the sake of the peaceful ward.
One morning there were about nine visitors as she came in to do jobs. The lady beckoned her over and quietly whispered: "Please get them out of here."
So she did. As she shooed the last one out she looked back, got a beautiful smile, and the lady took a big last breath and was gone. She just wanted to die quietly, on her own, on her own terms.
My daughter tidied the lady, the bed and her surroundings, and by then the relations were clamouring to come back in. She went to fetch them, and it seemed to them that in that very moment of their absence, and her nurse's, their matriarch died.
The way your grandfather died is common, and is such an occurrence that I always warm my relatives that it may happen. It’s a primeval thing, like when Albert scooted away to die privately
DeleteI was glad of the nurse with Mountain Man that said that the last thing to go is hearing .. his daughter left his side crying, but I could tell him I loved him, then he was gone.
ReplyDeleteWith Pirate I knew he was going and I told him how much I loved him while holding his hands...one hand squeeze from him and he left.
He knew.
I’m sorry if it brought back sad memories but your comment was beautifully observed x
DeleteJesus John
ReplyDeleteI’m a fucking mess
Lee x
Pull yourself together dearHeart
DeleteJohn, this is beautiful. You and the sister helped that mother let her son go peacefully. The world needs hospice nurses like you. Take care of yourself. Carol in A.
ReplyDeleteThe important thing about always learning , is that you are open to it x
DeleteIs one able to "slow their breath with dignity" when breathing their last breaths?
ReplyDeleteHave you heard about the hospice redundancies yet?
To answer both questions …..Yes, because it’s not laboured and difficult due to appropriate medication when patients are peaceful their death is dignified
DeleteNot yet re redundancies.
I hope your questions are answered
Oh I see, the breathing was slowed due to medical intervention and wasn't the choice of the patient. You made it sound as the patient consciously slowed his breathing hmself. The "dignity" wasn't as you said.
DeleteNo I didn’t say that, I said medication made the breathing less laboured
DeleteI wasn’t with my mother when she passed. She had seemed determined not to go before her birthday-which was the next day. Her caregiver called two minutes after mom died and said she believed the last sense to leave was hearing. With the caregivers encouragement I loudly sang Happy birthday to my mother better than I ever sang in high school choir.
ReplyDeleteSad but knowledgeable, John.
ReplyDeleteMy Mom had a stroke and never was awake again. After a few days of tests we decided to take her off the ventilator. She looked awful before and the nurses shooed us all out (her 12 kids) and gave her great clean up, washed her hair etc. put on a pretty gown and then we took off the ventilator. We even put her oil of Olay on so she smelled like Mom. This was in a hospital so I was pleasantly surprised. Kathy
ReplyDeleteThis is so moving - all the comments too. You must have so many treasured memories of your career. This one is extra special I think.
ReplyDeleteAll this wisdom learned over your many years as a nurse will make you a wonderful counselor. Such experience with the breadth of human travail is uncommon.
ReplyDeleteweavinfool
Some people's humanity shines through. I expect you are this sort of a nurse too.
ReplyDelete