Big Breaths

 I’m feeling somewhat overwhelmed today.
I can do , only what I have done and plans are afoot,
I know this.
But things are now feel out of my control and I have been transported back to that horrible day when my husband left, and I saw no meaningful future in this world.
Only now I am 7 years older
In a week or so the hospice will have a list of those staff who are taking voluntary redundancy 
If there is a shortfall they further redundancies will be made
I cannot afford to keep my home without a job 
I’m not sleeping well because of it all.

At least my arm is improving.


62 comments:

  1. So sorry. Yes, this is so hard. We'll all breathe along.

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  2. it';s not the same as a husband leaving , you have skills and there are a lot of people needing nursing care ...God Luck and god bless ..rather good luck ;been to hell and back too ..we got this .

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  3. Anonymous3:27 pm

    At least your arm is on the mend. Any good news is helpful. Holding my breath for you. Hugs John. Gigi

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  4. Anonymous3:29 pm

    John, I hope you get some good news soon. 💗 Carol in Atl

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    Replies
    1. I will let you all know as soon as I do

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  5. Keeping all good thoughts for you. I’ll worry so you can take a breather.

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  6. Try to think positive and keep breathing. You have your nurses licence, there is always a demand for private or respite nursing care, in peoples homes or nursing homes. You have your counselling qualifications now, and you have the opportunity to sell the idea of your book.

    This is NOT the same as when the Prof left you in the lurch and heartbroken, this time you are a stronger man with a good standing in the village and a heart of gold to share.

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    Replies
    1. Barbara Anne5:37 pm

      Like Sue so eloquently said!

      Hugs!

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    2. Thank you sue & babs

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  7. Glad to hear your arm is improving! Hope your client sessions go well this week, and more sessions are booked.
    Thinking of you and wishing there was something more I could do to help.
    Hugs!

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    Replies
    1. A word of your support goes a long way

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  8. Anonymous3:46 pm

    Keep breathing John. We’re all behind you. You can do this I’m sure.

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    1. Anonymous7:30 pm

      If all else fails , I will start a go fund me page for you

      Lee

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    2. Anonymous7:36 pm

      Kind thought but I don't think John would want to be seen as a charity case Lee. He needs a job with a regular income.

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    3. Yes kindness personified …I need money until my state pension kicks in

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  9. I think Sue has a point. Is there scope for finding a new role in the private sector?

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    Replies
    1. I’m 63 Jaycee I need to perhaps get a non nursing job, I will consider anything

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  10. I hope this rough patch does not last long and everything will turn out for the best.

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    1. I’m tired of this rollercoaster ride, with sickness and uncertainty , I hate how the hospice can effectively break my plans and my life

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  11. I wish you only the best and that everything works out for the best.

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    Replies
    1. Dear yael , that was a kind thought x

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  12. Sending good vibes your way, John. An uncertain, worrying time for sure. We're all rooting for you and holding our breath. xx

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  13. Hang in there, John. Things have a way of working out.

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    Replies
    1. I’ve always thought so, but I’m rapidly losing hope

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  14. Oh John, I can see why your brain has made that leap into the past. How terrible our brains can make us feel but also, if you are looking backwards then look at how far you have come. You have risen far above the ashes of that desolate time and if you’ve done it before then you can certainly do it again. You have many skills and as has already been mentioned, there are always those needing private or/respite care.
    Not at all trying to minimise your worry or how you are feeling now, this is a curve ball no one would want thrown at them. Courage to you and to your colleagues, not a one of you deserve this.

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    Replies
    1. The feelings have triggered past anxieties, I understand this
      I hope I can again bounce back from this fucking nightmare

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  15. Yorkshire Liz4:33 pm

    Bad patches are sent to try us - and, dammit, they really do.
    Get yourself onto the books of a local nursing agency. It may throw routine out of the window, but there is always a need. And with your extra qualifications you should be a top candidate. You may expect the worst, but you need to hope for the best. Defeatism leads to defeat. But that is NOT your fate!

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    1. I don’t feel very strong today, I’m trying, but I don’t ….one of my bosses asked me if I was ok, a boss that may sign my redundancy papers…

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  16. sue p4:37 pm

    I am thinking of you. xx

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  17. Krayolakris5:00 pm

    You have scaled the heights professionally and emotionally these past seven years, and lifted your readers with you. Your skills are in demand. Poo on your current employer.
    I know you’d never accept it but if all of your readers chipped in a pound or two we’d have that mortgage paid off in no time. We are all pulling for you, don’t forget it. Much love and comfort to you. xoxoxo

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  18. Things so often have a way of working out for the better. Why not this time too? Here's hoping ... and believing.

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    Replies
    1. I hope so too…..in my dark alone times, I get lost in the negatives

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  19. I know it's scary. I am confronting the loss of my job as well (AI is taking my job, and all my income). I do know that I will find a way forward. And I know that you are equally strong. You have such an expanded résumé since you've gotten divorced. And you're a much stronger, resilient person now as well. Plan for the worst, hope for the best. ♥

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    1. Sometimes my resolve wavers
      Some days I dont feel very strong

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  20. Barbara Anne5:35 pm

    What wonderful news that your arm is improving but I know how perilous life in general feels just now. Is there anywhere else in driving distance that you can work as a nurse?
    Fingers crossed and hoping for the best for you, dear John.

    Big hugs!

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    Replies
    1. Age discrimination is illegal but rife

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  21. Ugh.
    Hate that feeling! Sending hugs and good vibes...

    XOXO

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  22. We are all rooting for you, you know that. Also, I have seen that some ex-NHS nurses on retirement pensions are now able to work for the NHS again. Would this apply to you? I know you wouldn't want full time, or a physically heavy job, but what about a clinic nurse? There were several older nurses last time I had a covid jab.

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    Replies
    1. Like I said I’ve got two plans
      A and B
      If neither work out then I may have to sell the cottage

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  23. If you had a client come to you with this problem, what would you tell them?
    Jackie M

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    Replies
    1. I’d just listen , there’s nothing anyone can say

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  24. We'll pray for you at dinner time.
    Hugs,
    Bun

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  25. Replies
    1. I think that’s the hardest thing andi
      Doing it all on my own again

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  26. Here's an idea that's somewhat from left field--start a blog on Substack. Readers can choose to subscribe (or continue reading for free). Though Substack has the greatest presence in the US, there are UK writers on it. (The novelist Tom Cox is one.)

    With your regular posting habit, I think you'd garner a number of new readers. As for this blog, you could do what other Substack writers have done and have a transition period in which you point people to the new site.

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  27. John [ Major Hugs] From my home to your home. Change is always a fear monger. Now Breathe, and remember sometimes one step forward two steps back. You will be okay its just that the rug has been pulled out from underneath your feet and you do not like it one little bit. You are being stretched sir, The universe has initiated a gear change, now to find your speed and deal with what it will mean for you. You will be okay, just remember one step at a time, one day at a time. You will pull through, not necessarily in how you think it will happen. Sometimes things happen in a different fashion which is often kinder to you overall and in the longer term. Sometimes we just cannot see it straight away. Lots and lots of Huggles. Tricia aka Pattypanxx

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    Replies
    1. Thank you my friends
      What you all have done is to help me take a big breath today
      Friends and colleagues have done the same x

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  28. Traveller9:08 pm

    It probably doesn’t help, but, I, as with many others on here, believe this will be okay. Yes you are 7 years older but you are stronger and you are a trained counsellor….and you have 7 more years of a blog to turn into that bloody book.

    Take care my friend.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, I’m just bloody wobbling

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  29. Anonymous9:16 pm

    I was made redundant when I was 49
    And I thought my world had ended
    Of course it had, but I got through it, but I admit I had a partner who dragged me through

    I love you John Gray
    I love the way you carry your heart on your sleeve
    I love how you share your happy times and your pain
    You are every gay and straight oldie who visits Going Gently

    Keith

    Xx

    Ps did I say that I love you x

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  30. Hang on, the ride is bumpy, but you WILL get through, sending hugs x

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