I never have a problem with crying, or so I thought.
A film such as Touch had me dirty crying in my cinema seat only a day or so ago and I cry and talk about crying enough but only yesterday I realised it is a solitary thing which is never shared with anyone but Nu and Mike, and even then rarely.
My own therapy is the putting to bed of my grief of my separation and my therapist has been as ruthless as I wanted and needed her to keep to my brief.
I was exhausted yesterday, totally exhausted.
We talked about invasive and repetitive thoughts .
And she asked me about being busy, but this next observation floored me when she said quietly
“How can you move on with a head too full of whys?”
I looked at her and she mimed an action which beautifully summed her her comment
she put a hand out on each side of her head and whirled them around,
And I cried for the first time of being understood and validated .
I will leave you with the lisping choir and one piece I remember from the zarzuela concert
It does sound like you've been through the wringer, but if it helps heal what you didn't think needed healing, then it's been worth it. Exhausting but cathartic. xx
ReplyDeleteI need to wave the fag for the good times too
DeleteUnderstanding is an essential step in moving forward.
ReplyDeleteYou're fortunate to have the counselor that you have, John; she knows what may be holding you back. I wouldn't' be where I am today, without skilled counseling. She helped me figure out that my "why" must be asked of me and my beliefs, feelings and actions, and not of others. There is no way and no need to know their "why." I look at counseling like I do my optometrist, my dentist, my doctor - I need them all to keep me healthy.
ReplyDeleteGood point well made x
DeleteI’m glad you have such a supportive counsellor. Reading what you wrote made me wonder what do you do with the whys? A great counsellor. Jean in Winnipeg
ReplyDeleteShe is good ,mom lucky
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ReplyDeleteThat doesn't sound like John to me. My impression is that he has done his level best to move on and keep his chin up - not dumping his sense of loss on the rest of the village. By the way, are you actually from Trelawnyd? What you said there seemed quite nasty and rather unkind to me.
DeleteThe commenter's barbed comments are intentional. There is no gladness in her.
DeleteAnon, you really REALLY need counseling. Jackie
DeleteJohn,
ReplyDeleteThe loss of a marriage is enormous so treat yourself gently.
I just want to put this to bed and I will
DeleteIf you haven't already I think that now is the time to ask Chris WHY? You deserve a full and honest answer, and only he can truly give it. Perhaps with the passing of time he will be able to be honest with you.
ReplyDeleteSue, I don't think that I agree. As one who suffered a painful breakup that took ages to get over, I do not believe that he would be able to verbalize what brought the breakup on. On the other hand, I have a pretty clear idea of all the various elements that were at work, even if I would not agree that breaking up would be the solution. Sometimes the most direct route is not the best one.
DeleteNina
Sue in an ideal world your request May work , but I’ve always had a sense chris wouldn’t be able to verbalise what happened. He tried to get me angry enough to make the decision for him .:a situation ideal for trans actionable work
DeleteNina I feel you may be correct
DeleteHow funny that you are moving in a different direction from me. I've learned that I've shared my emotions too freely. It has become a joke with my children. I've never seen myself as maudlin, but it seems they do. I don't share that side of myself any more.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry Debby, that's harsh coming from your children. We are what we are.
DeleteWe’ve seen judging in this one post, judgement and knee jerk reactions , and that’s sad debby
DeleteWe’ve seen judging in this one post, judgement and knee jerk reactions , and that’s sad debby
DeleteThe years that I spent in therapy and going to a recovery group were incredibly difficult. It's unbelievable how much energy it takes to unpack all that stuff we've had so firmly locked away. But once the train starts moving, you have no option but to keep on with it. It's worth it, John. It's worth it. As you know.
ReplyDeleteThe exhaustion is complete isn’t it complete and overwhelming
DeleteI think you are very brave John... and i admire you. I'am not that person. I keep everything inside, because i could not handle anyone's reaction to it. Mine is childhood strife... that noone in my family takes responsibility for. One time i tried to talk with my adult daughter because she was asking questions about why i had little to no relations with my family and she didn't understand, that just reinvorced my decision to keep things between me and my Journal.. my journal actually probably saved my life all these years. So John i think you are incredibly brave, keep going... Chris does 'owe' you a why... will HE be brave enough to confront it and KIND enough to tell you... ? Hugs! deb
ReplyDeleteI don’t think he really knows why deArheart and my journey now is mine and not his.
DeleteI think the experience of transactional analysis will be positive
Delete
ReplyDeleteThere is always mileage revisiting something with new eyes
And with new strong arms supporting you.
That I hear from this blog is that John’s balancing himself
Lee
I’m learning new things with new eyes Lee, bang on
DeleteThe understanding and validation from your insightful counselor will give you the strength to let go and move forward toward more love for yourself and happiness. Be gentle with yourself, too.
ReplyDeleteLoved the music and the grace of the dancer. Ta.
Hugs!
Babs that’s exactly what my counsellor said , she will walk alongside me as I finally let things go, including the shame of the divorce
DeleteThe one thing about client centred counselling which is paramount is that you DONT diagnose or interpret things from your points of reference
ReplyDeleteThat happens with the psycho babble that has been written here and which now is deleted .
This is my journey and today’s blog was about what other things I have learned and am learning.
Indulgent psycho babble has no place in counselling and personal development
Keep your opinions to yourself U
I admire your honesty and openness in sharing this journey.
ReplyDeleteThis is my journal lizzy , I’m sure I’ve bored people silly with this subject but I have to write about it still especially as I’m not being given a new perspective
DeleteCounseling and looking at yourself is always hard, mentally and even physically, but essential for us to grieve, move on and grow. It took me probably almost twenty years of grieving before I could accept Katie as the lovely, young, caring, funny woman that she is. None of this easy. Sending hugs.
ReplyDeleteI envy how some people move on and have the ability to process or bury their traumas
DeleteWow, John. Thats me. My husband was the same. He said if something isn’t working it is best to move on. We moved, him from two failed marriages and me from an abusive one and we were extremely happy together for 35 years until he died. Sometimes you just are not with the (right) one. Gigi
DeleteI always thought of myself as someone not ashamed to cry but after reading this I realised I, too, usually only do it solo. If I’m in a depressive state, I’ll easily get teary-eyed in front of someone, but I know that’s not “normal.”
ReplyDeleteI think I had a clinical depressive episode during lockdown my friend .ive moved out of that now but still not sorted all of my feelings out regaling the end of my marriage .
DeleteThis is a fantastic opportunity to sort out those few demons and at the same time experientially learning my counselling trade
It’s unique
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ReplyDeleteYou're brave, and I hope this helps you move on. You made me realise that perhaps I also owe somebody a "why" - not sure I will be brave enough. Meanwhile , my love to the kittens. Jxx
ReplyDeleteMy first comment in all this was that “ I should be over this by now “ and she smiled and said “ it hasn’t been long John not if you factor in lockdown and covid”
DeleteI needed to realise that
You have a good counsellor there...such a good question to ask.
ReplyDeleteAnd all the Whys do stop one moving on...and others can't fathom the emotions...
I looked her in the eye and asked her not to be gentle with me
DeleteAnd she said “ you betcha”
You have such courage John, I don’t comment much as I’m more of a mostly silent reader but it’s clear that you have had to abruptly change the course of your life in a way you never would have asked for nor wanted. You have rebuilt your life and that’s no small thing. It takes bravery too to have counselling and revisit the wounds that still hurt. I haven’t had a life where crying in front of someone was ever encouraged, quite the opposite. As an adult it’s not something I’m really interested in correcting, more because I find it a weakness, necessary of course but it bares my vulnerabilities in a way that negates whatever comfort I could find. There is only one I allow to see me cry and even then it’s infrequent, I cry best alone when there is time and once I wipe my eyes it’s done with. Good counsellors are worth their weight in gold and then some, I am very glad for you that you have found such a good one. May you find the peace you deserve even if answers are never forthcoming, sometimes as awful and cruel as it is, there are no neat or clean answers. In my case the situations can be boiled down to this: they wanted to so they did.
ReplyDeleteThank u
DeleteYour counsellor sounds outstanding.
ReplyDeleteMost of us think about, "Why...?" I find sometimes there are no clear answers and spending inordinate time asking "why" gets us nowhere. Sometimes just accepting things exactly as they are and letting go is the best solution. That's what my experience has been.