I’ve found myself at a V in my road today.
Something quite profound happened today but in a small way as it often does, and I’ve had to choose how I cope with it.
The choice ( and I’m not apologising for how vague I am being) is between lying to myself or facing the music with a nod and a word of thanks.
I’ve chosen the latter, without excuses and bullshit.
I am flawed like we all are.
Now this sounds all very mysterious
It isn’t really, I’m just protecting myself from embarrassment, so the full story remains where it is.
Dealing with a proper embarrassment is a life long trauma for me.
It has the ability to crucify
And stems from a childhood where a mother salved her own embarrassment by picking of those exhibited by her children.
Teeth and wounds
Wounds and teeth.
I’m sad , I can’t be frivolous today.
I’ve made the girls I work with laugh tonight as I normally do
But it has been a serious day all told.
I will leave you with this silly video, don’t be too irritated Andrew xx
Cope how you must. I have faith in you.
ReplyDeleteIt’s been a learning curve for sure
DeleteWow - Gemma that was a perfect commentl
DeleteFacing the music takes courage. Many choose otherwise. Change is in the air and that is ok. All will be well.
ReplyDeleteI talk about being self aware , I got to be self aware
Deletelying to yourself is almost never good.....so you must have made the right choice, thought perhaps not a simple choice. May tomorrow be not quite as serious or challenging
ReplyDeleteSusan M/ Calif
Wise words
DeleteSo sorry that it's been a sad day for you. You made the right choice. A hard decision, but you were true to yourself and that often takes courage. Hope tomorrow finds you happier. Cuddle a dog, that always helps. Loved the video. xx
ReplyDeleteI’ve finished nights this morning and we have had some challenges this week.
DeleteA good cry at The Repair Shop will help
The Repair Shop always makes me cry too!
DeleteThe thing about lying to yourself is that you always know, deep down. Good for you.
ReplyDeleteAmen Debby
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI have no idea what this post is referring to. It's like The Twilight Zone.
ReplyDeleteAnd I’m glad it remains there sorry for being so mystererous
DeleteI've no idea either. Half a tale, what's the point of that? Unless it's done to gain praise which you're getting, perhaps that's mission accomplished for you.
DeleteYou can’t accept praise for hall a story
DeleteWe're all on your side, no matter what. Your own personal cheering section. xo Kate
ReplyDeleteIt takes courage to step forward and accept responsibility. Good for you.
ReplyDeleteHilarious video, thank you! The dog owners surprised face is priceless. Hope your week looks up - sounds like there is room for improvement! All the best as always, Ceci
ReplyDeleteThis too shall pass, whatever "this" is.
ReplyDeleteTomorrow is a new day and a new beginning. A time to leave the past in the past.
ReplyDeleteI've been waiting for that to happen all my life.... Oh well.
ReplyDeletelove your honesty
ReplyDeleteWasn't expecting that in the video :)
ReplyDeleteTrue embarrassment is horrible and I hope you are able to not dwell on it too much and let it go. Sounds like you were honest with yourself and others, but feeling rubbish at the moment. Do something nice for yourself however small it is.
I find my life difficult to navigate at times - so if I do react in a way which is not my normal - I now think - I'm only human - a deep breath and continue as before x 🌻💗
ReplyDeleteI’m intrigued. What on earth has happened John?
ReplyDeleteReality faced - well done John. Some people need to talk it through with a trusted "Spiritual Director" or a secular counsellor (not that far apart in reality!) You've done it on your own!
ReplyDeleteWhatever it was is done and dusted. For what it's worth, I think you made the right choice.
ReplyDeleteHaving had exactly the same sort of mother, I know all about the same hard wired over conscientiousness and assumptions of guilt. First you have to be able to sleep at night and live with yourself during the day. So - you made the right decision. The hard decision is always the right decision. But no-one else sees it as huge as you do. So start learning more how to be at ease with being simply human, just like the rest of us. And I love that video. Oh, if only I had the nerve!
ReplyDeleteEven if you lied to yourself, the fact that you know it's a lie means the self work is done.
ReplyDeleteYay to you!
I like this thought. But depending on the lie, the self work might not be quite done. There is huge growth in allowing yourself to step out and acknowledge your shortcomings to others.
DeleteWhatever has happened, John, you don't have to share it. As long as you are able to process your thoughts in your head, and come to some sort of conclusion, and learn from it, that's all you need to do. Nobody is perfect.
ReplyDeleteLying to others sometimes works for me. Lying to myself never does. I think you’ve made the right decision, whatever the situation. Hope you get through this without too much pain. And thanks for that video. I think I’m going to try that on my walk. I see an absolute hunk every day walking his big dog.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure what to say to help but, please don't be sad ...... you might have blown it all out of proportion as we all do. Big hug and lots of love. XXXX
ReplyDeleteYou'll feel better for having made the right decision.
ReplyDeleteI hope you'll take my comment in the spirit it's meant. Remember, I am not your mother. I am me.
ReplyDeleteI commend that you resolved whatever it was that compelled you to make you go into yourself, maybe even make amends. You feel embarrassed? It happens. Let him/her who claims to be blemish free cast the first stone. There have been a few incidents in my life - not so much embarrassing as just plain shit. I suppose shame is the word I am looking for. Feeling shame. My first memory goes back to when I was about four. Every time I remember it I die. I have no idea what came over me. As you say, it is painful to realize the darker side within us. Let's be less dramatic: The unpredictable, the surprising, the uncharacteristic within us. However, "redemption" lies in recognizing what wrong we did. You wouldn't believe [or maybe you do] the length some people will go to to deny a blatantly obvious wrong doing. There are people in my life who rather tie themselves into knots than to say once, just once: "Sorry". It's not in their remit to see that there is more than one side to the cube.
Anyway, whatever it is that erupted the other day, main thing is to dust yourself down, live with it, and make it one more notch on your life's walking stick.
U
I must give credit where credit is due. Very thoughtful post U.
DeleteYes I always put you down as a bit of jackass “ U”
DeleteBut that was thoughtful
Lee
Peace reigns
DeleteIncredible, Ursula! Or maybe it's more like "Incredible Ursula"? Or is smoking Marie-Jeanne taking its toll on mature women?
DeleteCatherine I’m interested in what this means xxx
DeleteJohn, unless the incomparable Catherine from France refers to perfume, a dancer, a novelist or a Haitian warrier of great beauty, all of the same name, s/he most likely means Marie Jane - rhyming slang for Marihuana. You may like to convey to her/him, that I don't and never have indulged. I don't like [brain] fog.
DeleteCatherine - charmed, I'm sure,
U
I am at almost 15 months since Tony died . In the last three months , three women who I thought of as my closest friends have made it
ReplyDeleteclear that they want no contact with me . I have responsibilities here. And I need to own them . But the ending of these friendships feels like another bereavement.
So I spend a lot of time in bed . Today my cat has joined me .
Siobhan
Siobhan
DeleteA close friend of mine has distanced himself from me unexpectedly recently . Like you I’ve had to deal with that and explored why n my head.
Not being in control for someone grieving is bloody hard work dearheart xx
John, no need to share everything on your blog especially if you are embarrassed about something. We are your supporters so we are on your side. I am very self aware and therefore often super critical of myself, it means I take more blame than is necessary. Be kind to yourself.
ReplyDeleteOh Carole I get that, and I need that too..
DeleteMy mom used to tell us kids, that if we embarrassed her out in public, she's embarrass us much worse. Gulp. So we behaved like perfect angels, knowing she had the upper hand, and that she meant what she said. So I tried hard to fly under the radar and never be noticed, which left me with some crippling anxiety. I am much less anxious now thanks to counseling. But damn, that took some time. You share plenty with us here, and so much of what you share has caused me to think about what kind of person I am, so, thank you John, for that.
ReplyDeleteI watched a video about "toxic shame". It made me want to crawl into a corner and cry and cry. But I can't do that, life does go on. Take caare. Barb
ReplyDeleteShame is the most devastating of emotions barb
DeleteTHE MOST
I don't agree, grief is the most devasting of emotions, especially the death of your child. If you haven't experienced that (I have) then you won't understand.
DeleteIt’s not a competition
DeleteWe are all works in progress. When the sun rises, move on.
ReplyDeleteMy childhood was pretty toxic, too, so I also struggle with a bunch of residual stuff. It's always disconcerting when something kinda crops up that strikes to the heart of it. Be extra gentle with yourself for awhile.
ReplyDeleteNina
Hang in there, John. You know what you are doing.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing this John. Reading it has once again got me doing a little gentle heart searching of my own.
ReplyDeleteAll will be well.
Alison in Wales x
Shit happens. We all make mistakes, the trick is to admit the mistake and learn from the mistake. I don't expect perfection from myself anymore and life has improved dramatically.
ReplyDeleteI love that video and he is a handsome lad:)
Thanks for the reminder. We all have those tender little places we need to protect, and I don't think there's any harm in it as long as we're clear-eyed with ourselves about them.
ReplyDeleteWe all lie to ourselves. At least you are aware of it.
ReplyDeleteWe live and learn. Xx
ReplyDeleteIts never easy to take the brave road to admit to ourselves or others something we have done or said.
ReplyDeleteWhat ever it was upwards and onwards.
Irene
Always better to face up to an issue. Running from it only makes it worse...... Good on ya!
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine what happened, do not know what to say. I--we--will always love you and care about you, value you--- flaws, stupid TikTok vids and all.
ReplyDeleteI’m glad you can’t, I’m glad non of you can , it’s big and I’ll be. Glad when it feels over
DeleteFret not, you've survived, reacted with courage, and it's another day. No worries as whatever happened didn't cause any permanaent harm (unlike the teeth, etc).
ReplyDeleteAll is well and all shall be well. Apologies to Julian of Norwich for the appreviated version of her words.
Hugs!
The odd white lie with fingers crossed behind my back I'll allow to spare others embarrassment but I can't lie to myself without stewing on it and making myself thoroughly discomfited; learnt from experience so there is that. This too shall pass as you also know.
ReplyDeleteYou said it -- we all have our flaws. Acknowledging them is the way to go. Sounds like you're taking a healthy approach, as I would expect from someone with counseling training. :)
ReplyDeleteLOVE the video!
I haven’t quite got the energy to justify my own post or to reply to the comments in their entirety .
ReplyDeleteSuffice to say , that I’ve got a lot of strength from the replies
Thank you for today
Hugs. xx
ReplyDeleteDebs here, I'm sorry if something unpleasant has happened to you John. But posting half a story is not the best thing to do. All you have done is left folks confused and upset. If you want or need care and attention you need to be honest. If you don't want this from people on here, then it's best not to say anything at all. <> from across the pond.
ReplyDeleteI disagree debs
DeleteI have found it very helpful as I’ve processed the events alongside some ( not all) kindness. And kind comments ..
It’s too painful to discuss fully
Big hugs, and keep going. Olivia
ReplyDeleteI will x
Delete