Tonight I completed my seventh episode of counselling experience as a client. As trainee counsellors we all are required to experience therapy first hand and pay for it too, and I’ve found the experience awkward, challenging, emotional and enlightening, as my counsellor is based in the “eclectic” theory base of counselling rather than pure client centred base of therapy that I’m being trained in.
My counsellor ventured something I need to think about too
He suggested I was coming out of a clinical depression .one which started a year after my husband left me and one which had been fed and watered by covid
I’m still processing this
But I sort of know he is right.
I’m a month into a strict diet and only last week I joked with him that weight loss was my last goal back to getting back to the real me.
He didn’t challenge me then…..he didn’t have to, as we both read each other’s non verbals,
The elephant in the room.
What I thought was a new start generally, may have been an end to a depression , I never really realised I had
I want to say something....but don't quite have the words x
ReplyDeleteI’m sure you are not surprised. I wasn’t xx
DeleteDepression is an insidious thing. It can creep up and overwhelm before you even see it coming.
ReplyDeleteIndeed
DeleteThat’s an honest overload
ReplyDeleteWell done
Lee
Overload? Na x
DeleteI also have no words ... I used to have a plaque that said "Don't look back ... you're not going that way" to help me to look forward and have no regrets. Love from NZ
ReplyDeleteYes but to deal with the future , you must understand the past
DeleteExactly!
DeleteOh, the people we least expect can be depressed. It takes many forms. Especially after something that marks us such as a breakup.
ReplyDeleteYou'll be ok. And I agree with the idea that we have to go through anything we are being trained to do. It's great.
XOXO
I’ve wracked my head for depression symptoms, and if I was honest , in my first two years + after 2019 I would cry every day.
DeleteNo boo hoo crying
But welling up and weeping at sad songs, tv, beauty, the animals
That wasn’t me before this time
Self awareness is a funny thing. Even when we think we are fully aware, sometimes we are not. That said, I do believe you are doing great and all will be well.
ReplyDeleteEveryone is a work-in progress
DeleteIt's an imaginative idea to have trainee counsellors experiencing what it is like to be a client. Plenty of food for thought.
ReplyDeleteIt’s a lesson in trust and being ok is you don’t “ fit” with your counsellor like the clients that may or may not click with you !!
DeleteLike you said plenty of food for thought
I had counselling after my marriage break up which was as toxic as hell, she was nearing the end of her training. The first thing the counseller told me that she herself would also be councelled by her peers if the topic of discussion became too overwhelming for her and was I ok with that. And after the first session she also asked me if I thought we were a good "fit" and did I trust her with the handling of my senstive issues. I thought that was a great way to be open with people; we were a good fit and she helped me see that I was depressed and climbing out of the hole of depression was a process if you were aware of it.
DeleteSome interesting points here jo
DeleteAnd valuable ones with insight
Thank you
Forgot to say, when you were going through your breakup.. unbeknown to us in blog land; I was very worried for your mental health, your writing became very boxed in and not as effervescent as usual, trying to work out what was ailing you was sad, I worried it was about one of your sisters, or that you had bad news about health issues and maybe marriage issues but the specks of depression I feel did start around that time... and don't get me started about Covid.. how you coped through that nightmare ....as a nurse was inspiring to say the least.
DeleteYes on reflection I lost my sense of humour and humour has always been my fallback with anything and everything bad.
DeleteNothing felt real
Your post has resonated so loudly with me. I lost my daughter to cancer 5 years ago. she was 39 and had two small children. Although I continued to "go through the motions" I stopped doing every day things slowly losing my ability to walk without aid and had an huge weight gain. Then covid, as you say, aided and abetted this process. A year ago I was admitted to hospital with pleurisy and happened upon a Doctor who has literally given me my life back. In short I had slipped unknowingly into clinical depression and it is only in this past year that I am slowly learning to live with the loss of my beautiful girl and recognise that I have been in deep mourning. Grief manifests itself in many forms, and can be a sneaky little bugger, disguising itself in seemingly unrelated physical illness.
ReplyDeleteI now walk freely without aids, have lost 30Kgs and have recently taken on a 12 month old wolfhound/golden retriever, who is both the love of my life and an absolute shit head at times!! Take care John, and go with the process. Life is so much better on the other side xx
xx
DeleteI get this, and I’m sorry jan
DeleteThank you for your honesty.
I didn’t only lose a husband , I generally lost my allotment and animals, work ( I’d retired) and nearly lost a village ( I call home)
I don’t deal with rejection well
I guess that shows the value of counselling insights!
ReplyDeleteYou have to be open to what comes to light., I was initially incredibly resistive to things
DeleteA brave post John. - Jackie
ReplyDeleteBrave? I can’t pretend today didn’t happen
DeleteI'm glad your counselor challenged you and glad you were able to look at yourself. It's not easy. Well done my friend.
ReplyDeleteI’ve looked at other things too, things I wouldn’t perhaps share here.
DeleteMy role in my marriage failure
My need to control
good for you! When I was in school it was required of us to go through counseling/analysis not only to experience it but to learn about ourselves to be better counselor and people.
ReplyDeleteNicely put
DeleteI concur
It's good to name what's been bothering you and better to know you've made your way through it.
ReplyDeleteHugs!
I’ve never been depressed before
DeleteI have no reference point
The jailer spends time in jail. It sounds quite stressful to me, but I suppose that's all part of the training. When will you get your 'counselor's certificate'?
ReplyDeleteAfter next years ( sep to May) term and 100 hours practical
DeleteNo surprise to us your readers, who were quite worried about you at times. I know I was.
ReplyDeleteAnd that’s important of me to read and “ hear”
DeleteThe depression tunnel is long, dark and lonely, even when we don't know, or don't accept that we have it. You have travelled through almost all of that tunnel. The light is getting brighter, and one day soon, you will step out, never to return. xx
ReplyDeleteCovid was a very difficult time for me ( It was for millions of us I know)
DeleteI never want to go back there …never….I realise that
Covid came along at such a bad time for you, when you were struggling to reconstruct the practicalities of your life while struggling with emotional pain. The isolation must have truly "fed and watered" the depression. Just when you most needed to be around friends, humanity and hope. I hope it is a joyful new start as well as an end of something.
ReplyDeleteYou sum it so well, I feel the pain of 2019 I nearly went under…and am reminded that my elder sister spent much of the year abroad when I needed her the most ,( a fact she was unaware of , as I put on an ok face)
DeleteNo one realised
You are a good, brave ,wonderful man to many in blog land. A thoughtful though sad post leading to new horizons. Noreen
ReplyDeleteThank you noreen
DeleteI feel energised
Grief and depression - yep I know all about them both, sneaky little things that creep up and kick you when you think they've gone away.
ReplyDeleteGrief is an awful emotion
DeleteEspecially grief where no one died
Sounds a bit like being put through a mangle. I was counselled briefly when I was in my twenties. I had the habit of sabotaging any relationships I had with potential husbands. It was at a time when everyone was expected to find a partner and start a family. The counselling did not work. I decided that it was ok to be me. Sounds like you are doing well in your course, John.
ReplyDeleteAfter three of my counselling sessions I went to bed without even brushing my teeth
Deletexx
ReplyDeleteHugs
DeleteI firmly believe that the body takes up stress and holds onto it, and that it takes lightening the mind to restore the body. Sometimes tiny realisations are all that's needed. All power to you.
ReplyDeleteMy weight took on my depression
DeleteThe only way now is forward it seems.
ReplyDeleteIs there any other way ?
DeleteWith depression I tried to dismiss it - eventually removing one fluffy blanket tentatively at time - not hurrying - I may go backwards - try again - then the sun is glowing again - just the occasionall poop x
ReplyDeleteWe all could go backwards x
DeleteSo brave of you to go public with yourself. You’ll be a great counselor having ‘been there, done that’.
ReplyDeleteweavinfool
Thank u
DeleteNo surprise at all when you think about it.
ReplyDeletePeople who know me , know this and that helps
DeleteThe end of depression. Such a turning seems wondrous to me.
ReplyDeleteNot my words..I’m sorry
DeleteThis sounds good to me John. Remember 'The end is in the beginning' - things are looking up at the right time of the year. The sun is shining in more ways than one. Much love. x
ReplyDeleteYour words mean a great deal to me pat , as they always have x
DeleteVery well done. X
ReplyDeleteThank u
DeleteAs many have said already, a brave post, This is perhaps not a hugely insightful comment, but the journey of life we are all on can be earth shatteringly rip you apart grim as well as amazingly joyous. Wishing you well.
ReplyDeleteThank you. I’m surprised by the word “ Brave”
DeleteI don’t consider this a brave post
But it’s a honest one,
I still occasionally feel very raw about things ,
Perhaps that’s what led me to the same conclusions as my counsellor
Oh, John. You are opening all the windows and letting in the light.
ReplyDeleteAnd sweeping out old corners my friend
DeleteLarge numbers of people have “ functional depression” John….I gather you have never been depressed before ? How would you know then? especially as you were sad already and isolated due to covid.
ReplyDeleteKudos to you for saying it so
plainly
Keith
Xx
I have not been moderately unhappy before my split , spending my 56 years before that, in general contentment and dare I say happiness. Ok I had the usual down times when losing family and friends , but in general my life was more ups than any downs
DeleteI guess that an upside of this is that you are going to have so much empathy for your future clients.........
ReplyDeleteThanks as always for your honesty and insight.
Alison in Wales x
It’s important to realise that if this is indeed the case, I don’t identify too much with clients that show silicate life events and stories , objectivity is the key
DeleteI think deep down you have always known this, but as is the way with some types of depression, the backbone of it is repressed to allow you to function well on a day to day basis. This can give bi-polar undertones that either can be worrying, or be dealt with as and when they surface. In my opinion you have done well, very well. This counselling course is helping you on so many levels, including your future financial security ... and your sanity.
ReplyDeleteSue , you knew me in those difficult days in 2019, and we met several times
DeleteSo I value your view and memories
Thank you
All of your counseling study is helping you, too, John. I wonder if that is one of the reasons you were drawn to it. How helpful you will be to others because you have gone through it too. Well done!
ReplyDeletePerhaps
DeleteI know it became “ an idea” more after meeting Chic a Eleanor ( who is a counsellor )
The Black Dog is something so many people experience and you're a brave man for speaking about it.
ReplyDeleteI'm only just catching up with where you're up to, not had much time for social media just lately, I was in the North West of England for a couple of weeks helping a pal with lambing, then home to Scotland, now back down in the North West doing some groundwork and fencing there wasn't time to finish on the last visit. Then it'll be home again, hopefully for the rest of the year, besides some paid work I'm converting a steading and I've recently got a gelding that I'm training for some logging work I do part time, my old girl will be retiring soon.
Hoping your course goes well and you find peace and joy doing the things you enjoy.
I once went down the counsellor route but decided it wasn't for me, too much yearning for the outdoor life! I'd already graduated in Botany and why I wandered away from that I don't know, but certainly happy to be back working under the sky!
Good luck in your endeavours Pal.
Mike
Mike, counselling not for everyone,
DeleteIt may not be for me yet, the first two years have been a gallop into self awareness.
I thought if the black dog was present,wouldn’t I have talked about it more?
I’ve flitted through blogs and despite crying a bit more that “ usual” I hadn’t noticed any black dog days!?
I don't know, I'm ill equipped to give advice here.
DeleteA pal was treated for depression, he described it as being a pit he couldn't climb out of. To us he seemed his usual cheery self and once I knew I felt sad I hadn't known and been able to be there more for him, sad too that he'd not felt able to tell us but then many of us put on a brave face and appear to be our usual selves I suppose.
There's nothing wrong with you being more self aware and hope that you're able to recognise if you need a bit of help, whether counselling or medical help.
Your crying from a marriage breakdown isn't depression, it's a natural grieving. I guess if it's continuing for someone for a length of time that's not considered 'acceptable' then it could be time to get a medical opinion. But who decides what is 'acceptable'? The loss of a loved one, for whatever reason, is a huge grief, how can a time limit be put on that? If that someone was the love of your life who's to say there won't always be a sense of grief for the rest of your life? '
After saying I'm ill equipped I've blethered on!
That's what comes of a wee dram with a pal, instead of making tracks for bed. A busy day again tomorrow but hoping to be back on the road to home by the end of the week. Letting the dogs out now then we'll be under the duvet, my pal has family visiting so I came down in the motorhome this time, the dogs think it's one big dog bed!
Sleep well and take one day at a time.
Mike
Not anonymous, Mike.
DeleteI think my depressed state post break up developed into a depression thanks to covid
DeleteOh Lordy
ReplyDeleteWhat the hell is your troll going to say
Oh don’t start them off
DeleteIntelligent sensitive people suffer from depression in varying degrees according to life situations. It is the cross that one bears for feeling too deeply. Not always easy to manage but can be conquered with determination and the will to win. You have a lot of support so you should be fine. The best cure is to give and to care for others and to not be ego focussed...So it's a win win for you!
ReplyDeleteI’ve been reflecting on all this and it’s hurting my head, the more I do so. Lol
DeleteWho knows what the reality of my piece , my story is?
ReplyDeleteAll I can do is navigate my present course with as much honesty and self awareness as I can
Well said,
Deleteyou are finishing a journey and are doing so with an open heart and open eyes .
A grown up !
Lee
A grown up , ha !perhaps
DeleteJohn all I can say is thank you for your warmth, humour, honesty and charming prose. Jane x
ReplyDeleteThat’s kind, it’s always nice to receive praise ,
DeleteAn honest recognition.
ReplyDeletePirate got depressed every Easter...since he was 19..when his brother was killed by the Iron Horse he was using...noone thought to help him deal with how he felt.
How things have changed in 65 years
Yes, how lucky we are to live in our time …my thoughts are still with you, it’s a raw time x
DeleteSending support and hugs. You are strong and brave. Lizzy D xx
ReplyDeleteOn reflection I’m stronger than I ever thought I could be, but I’m not brave , I’m an opportunist making the best of my skills
DeleteYou are carrying on and reimagining yourself and your life. You have never given up. That is brave. Be proud of what you have accomplished. Your determination inspired me almost daily. Lizzy
DeleteYou are carrying on and reimagining yourself and your life. You have never given up. That is brave. Be proud of what you have accomplished. Your determination inspired me almost daily. Lizzy
ReplyDelete❤️
DeleteI was a new reader at the time, but as someone else said, I was worried about you. There was a hint of not wanting to live, not in an active way, but like a sudden heart attack wouldnt be unwelcome. It felt like youd lost your focus, which was having someone to take care of. Making his life enjoyable, the meals, the baths. Im so much like that too. Im so glad the animals, the village and people who love you gave you the desire to keep going. xo. Suz from LA
ReplyDeleteI was very low Suz , I never want to revisit those days
DeleteTakes a lot of courage to bare your soul, feelings, and frailties the way you do. I admire you for it, and clearly so do many others as witnessed by the comments.
ReplyDeleteThank u x
DeleteHugs and prayers for your courageous new adventures. Anything new is hard, but can bring new joys!
ReplyDeleteWhat a profound realization, even if you sort of knew it all along. It's interesting that you put the start at a year after your husband left, and not right at that time. Perhaps it took a year to fully absorb the change?
ReplyDeleteI think there’s a natural grief which kind of slowly turned things south
Delete