I met a friend for breakfast today.
They have been low for a long time and are probably very depressed.
We meet monthly for coffee, more if they are up to it.
Depression is a cunt.
I listened and made them laugh just the once
But when we said our goodbyes
I felt as helpless as ever
But , I hugged my friend close and for the longest of times
And kissed them squarely on the forehead
Which I hoped meant something.
It means something! Bun
ReplyDeleteYou are a kind, loving and supportive friend. Everyone should have someone like you.
ReplyDelete:)
DeleteAs a hospice nurse and a budding counsellor, you will know that just physically being there, and listening without judgement, means so much to a depressed person. The hug and forehead kiss will have been added confirmation of your understanding and caring. Good on you, John, you're a good friend. x
ReplyDeleteDepression is a long, dark, lonely tunnel. Hopefully, your friendly ear, big hug and forehead kiss will have brought a chink of light. Wishing them all the best. xx
ReplyDeleteYou do your best, they are lucky to have you as a friend. Just don’t let them get YOU down. Gigi
ReplyDeleteHow do we urge someone to seek medical advice for depression? I have only done it once, and that was more of a command, "call your doctor now and tell her how you are feeling!" and it worked.
ReplyDeleteDepression is a black hole that can suck the life out of you. A hug helps but I hope they're getting other help too. Journaling, CBT, medications, that's what helps me the most.
ReplyDeleteThe black dog - it has been with me, off and on, for most of my life. Finally, in my 60's now, it hardly ever comes to visit, and when it does, it doesn't stay long. There are times, still, when I don't recognize the dog is here, but my friends do. A card, a call, a hug, a reminder to make an appointment with my counselor, an offer to go for a walk - all have soothed my soul. We aren't asking for anyone to solve it, just validate our feelings. That's what you did John, and it means the world.
ReplyDeleteYou reached out. You get him, body and soul. You sent him back out into the world with a affirmation of your love and respect.
ReplyDelete*fed! And this is Debby.
ReplyDeleteWhen your friend does not want to meet that will be the sign that you are not helping in any way. I think that wanting to meet up is still a good sign.
ReplyDeleteYou are a good friend.
ReplyDeleteI hope he can get relief from his depression. Is he seeking help?
ReplyDeleteA hug is a wonderful thing.
ReplyDeleteI can tell you right now that it did help.
ReplyDeleteBeing there for your friend means a lot.
ReplyDeleteUGH
ReplyDeleteDepression IS a cunt.
So glad you were there for your friend. You're so sweet.
XOXO
Depression is dreadful.
ReplyDeleteIt's a shame that you choose to use the C word. It's just not acceptable for public discourse.
It's also associated with misogyny and as a female I am offended that you are using it knowing it will be read by women.
We have a vast vocabulary and it's just not neccessary whatever the subject.
Perhaps an apology or at least deletion of the word?
The word sums up the condition , jog on
DeleteThat's what you think of your female readers, jog on?
DeleteHappy to do so, I hadn't thought of you as being misogynist but you've shown your true colours.
You've just lost a long time reader and I'm sure I won't be the only one.
This is one of those "look how wonderful I am" posts and if readers don't praise you for it they can "jog on"
Reply not required.
You’ve been threatening to leave for an age now, go on and get lost
DeleteP and Anon, it is indeed a most unfortunate, not to say questionable, choice of word. Not so much because it denigrates women but because describing true depression deserves more finesse. But then John is a man who doesn't "waste" words and reasoning where a swearword will "suffice".
DeleteStill, where there is life there is hope. My hope being that his counselling training will make him a little more subtle and considerate in his writing than he tends to be. Which reminds me, on a general note: It's rather interesting how many bloggers and commentators are perfectly able to express themselves without resorting to invectives.
U
Who the fuck is this ?
DeleteLee
Lee,
DeleteIt’s someone who likes to argue a point, just for the sake of arguing. She has been banned from several blogs for doing so and by the way she patronises his career move, I hope she is banned again sooner than later.
A bore argues for the sake of it.
A vacuous bore.
John can describe things the way he feels right, and depression is a cruel illness. It’s nothing to do with misogyny and by highlighting it you take away from the original message.
Jackie
Well said, you! It is interesting to see how those of us who support John in the use of whatever words he cares to use, thank you very much, tends to be those of us who have suffered from depression and know exactly what he is talking about, and why he used the word he did.
DeleteSomeone more famous than me once wrote: "when someone puts you down, it's usually because they need to feel taller." Which is a bit f***ing sad. To go back to the colloquial.....
I greatly dislike the c word. Almost got someone fired once for telling a client I was a c 35 years ago. It is just about the only curse I won't use. But I would be a hypocrite if I quit this blog because I know my use of F*** offends many and it hasn't stopped me. I think the anon is taking the word too literally. I mean do they picture a ginormous vagina when they hear the word or do they realize its intended meaning of a very horrible person or thing?
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DeleteIt’s a strong word but appropriate in my view, I’m also a woman and I’m not offended. It’s a word I use myself sometimes. John’s blog, his choice. We have a vast vocabulary in the English language and on this occasion this is the right word. Athene.
ReplyDeleteIt is a strong word, and that is precisely what, just sometimes, it is the only word that will do. It is an ancient word, and one I frankly find far less offensive than more modern words like ( excuse me) twink. This is a blog from a good soul who calls a spade a spade. So any reader knows what may come, and to be offended by the c-word is a choice. And those offended need to look at themselves and ask why they are offended by that one word rather than empathise with the situation that spurred it's use.
DeleteObviously you are a man
DeleteI don't agree he's "a good soul who calls a spade a spade" he's a confrontational man.
DeleteDon't agree, I don't care in the least about your opinion. I have known John for years and know his worth. But of course much of this 'disgust' comes down to life experience and both he, and I, and so many other people in the Going Gently family, have seen far too much of it. Which in itself creates tolerance and good judgement and a wiser and wider freedom of expression than many understand.
DeleteSorry to be back, I didn't notice this short little response, but now have to reply again. "Obviously you are a man." What? WHAT? Does not my signature tell you I am female? Do you not know the name Liz is a short form of Elizabeth? Which is, in fact, my REAL name. What planet do you prefer to be on rather than engage in the real world, learn from and understand it? Just off to have a quick laugh up my sleeve. You are unbelievable.
DeleteShould I be offended to be told I am a man? Answers please on a postcard.
To Yorkshire Liz - that person said I was a man too x
Delete'that person' wrote an anonymous comment flis so how do you know it's the same person?
DeleteYou need to be more careful in your commentng.
The hug helped, so did the kiss.
ReplyDeleteI too hate that word as my first husband regularly called me a f..kin c..t for most of our marriage. He was always drunk when he called me names. Gigi
ReplyDeleteOn the flip side - the word dick as in "he is such a dick"
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
DeleteTwelve years of severe, non-responsive depression, surrounded by a family that pretended it didn't exist. A hug and a kiss on the forehead would have been a priceless gift. Good on you, John.
ReplyDeleteYou were there for him, you listened, you made him laugh, even if it was just the once and that is like releasing a pressure valve. The hug and the kiss was the thing he went away with. You're a good friend. ❤️
ReplyDeleteYOU make a difference!
ReplyDeleteKindness does make a difference. I still remember a young cousin’s gentle hand on my shoulder when I was very sad 26 years ago.
ReplyDeleteWhile the big debate is about the C word, I happened to notice you used several T words: "They and "Them". Is your friend nonbinary? If so, good for you for using the pronouns they prefer, which can be hard if they look too much like one traditional gender or another.
ReplyDeleteFor me cunt is the perfect word having suffered from depression since I was 16 and of all things trained as a mental health nurse and seeing people suffer is just so awlful. A friend like you John, no judgement just acceptance would be wonderful. Well done you for taking time out of your busy life and not forgetting your friend. Noreen
ReplyDeleteI so agree N. I ve had a shaky relationship with depression and once, long ago it nearly finished me.
DeleteA vile condition
Lee
I am a woman who has suffered from depression on and off (mostly on) since the age of 14. Cunt is a perfect description of the disease in my opinion.
DeleteThank you for your support of your friend. Cunt is not the word I would have chosen or am comfortable with. After all depression (which is a vile killer of hearts, minds and sufferers) is not essential to life and nor does it give pleasure to many.
ReplyDeleteGood point
DeleteLee
It really, really is.
ReplyDeleteJohn, I love you but the word "cunt" is a slur, similar to nigger for us women folk. Please refrain.
ReplyDeleteIt is not! It is just a brilliant word to use in a situation where nothing else works. Seriously!
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DeleteInteresting comparison, BB. Have an upvote.
DeleteU
I’m only a relatively new girl here, but John doesn’t ever makes be think of “ beige”.
DeleteSo why the shock?
Keith
Xx
s from Oxford Languages · Learn more
Deletecunt
/kənt/
nounVULGAR SLANG
noun: cunt; plural noun: cunts
1.
a woman's genitals.
2.
OFFENSIVE•NORTH AMERICAN
Hide definition
a term of abuse for a woman.
BRITISH
an unpleasant or stupid person.
Thank you, yes clearly different interpretations
DeleteOn the way in to see the movie Perfect Days
ReplyDeleteI won’t discuss the post today any more as the arguement about the C word is moving it away from why the word was used in the first place
If you are upset by its use, I’m sorry, but it stands where I stood this morning
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteIt is indeed an absolute swine. Arilx
ReplyDeleteI've been ill and incapicitated for the last three years-mostly from poor medical care I'm sorry to say. Anyway that is not the point. I've found the situation pushing me towards depression and I've also noticed my language falling into the gutter. I've regularly felt like telling medical staff to "F" off and worse. This despite, as a rule, not liking to use or hear some descriptive words now in regular use.
ReplyDeleteOh, it meant something! (And depression is a major dick, too.)
ReplyDeleteNot a word I particularly like and one I don’t use. But it made the point.
ReplyDeleteI thought the point of this post was about depression and John feeling helpless. I have been there with a friend. Had no idea how to help them. once I said the night and then drove them to hospital where they were admitted. Many years ago and they are doing well now.
I too chose to use a gender neutral pronoun when describing my friend and their gender is not relevant to the story.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI looked this word issue up---"Cunt is the most offensive American English word that isn't a racial slur." I was taken aback by the title of the post, even being aware that c*nt is far more offensive in the US than in the UK. It is so taboo I have never heard it spoken.
ReplyDeleteBut John of course is writing in his own ''voice'' . from Google : " Cunt" is often used as a disparaging and **obscene term for a woman** in the United States, an unpleasant or objectionable man or woman in the United Kingdom." Far less gender specific in the UK, and apparently commonly spoken/ used.
I’m a newYorker so wasnt upset by the word. Interesting explanation Lizzy which probably will go a long way to take all this heat out of some of the more “ outraged” comments
DeleteLee
Thanks , Lee--tho I am a New Yorker of sorts too. An issue with using trigger words is that they detract from the point of the post---and possibly are not how one would want a therapist to express a condition?
DeleteI have a human right to describe anything I like, anyway I like regardless of vocation
DeleteStrange, recently had a conversation with a mate about human rights. My point was human rights are a human construct and not an absolute.
DeleteA pity this post became about the word cunt as opposed to, in my eyes, the issue of depression.
Highly recommend the very short book Black Dog by Ian McEwan.
Thank you for making this point. As an American who lives in the UK, I can say that the c-word is much more commonly heard here as a general form of disparagement -- whereas in America it is a strictly taboo term, perhaps the worst word one could use. I really think this whole debate hinges on cultural differences.
Delete(Sorry for prolonging the tangent, John. And bravo for caring for your friend.)
Not at all, perhaps this clarifies the cultural difference between Brits and Yanks
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ReplyDeleteI found and still find that talking to people about my grey times really helps. x
ReplyDeleteHugs are a balm and one size fits all. You did well, John.
ReplyDeleteHugs!
Ps
ReplyDeleteWould I prefer to be called a c*nt
Or depressed?
Call me a cunt anytime
Keith
Xx
Hells teeth, Keith is so so right
ReplyDeleteCall me a cunt anytime
( The film was rather moving , much better than being at home reading all this)
I've just checked the synopsis of this film. Sounds just the thing to lift the spirits. Glad you enjoyed it. xx
DeleteI get that John and I’m sorry
DeleteLee
This is what happens when a word is deliberately used to garner a reaction and surely reading the various opinions of people is better than no one replying ,hence no more blog... always a choice .
DeleteI disagree strongly that the word was used to garner a reaction.
DeleteIt is exactly how I felt
I'm sad for your friend and hope for improvement. Of course your mood was affected as well; the feeling of being unable to help is awful.
ReplyDeleteI don't like the word either, but I was not the one sitting across the table from a depressed friend. I did not write the post. It is not my blog. It seems so simple to understand. We all express ourselves in our own way. It is okay. Nobody died here.
ReplyDeleteWhat a shit storm over a word. Cunt is an excellent word, used by both Chaucer and Shakespeare.
ReplyDeletePeople who are depressed are usually unappealing so it was good that you kissed your friend on their forehead - showing them that all is not lost.
ReplyDeleteI sympathise completely with your pain and frustration at wanting to comfort and help your friend. Depression is a frightening thing but I think you were there to listen and care and it helped.
ReplyDeleteI went to see "Perfect Days" after you mentioned it before and absolutely loved it.
Sorry - that was me MarisAna
DeleteI am sorry for your friend, and I hope he is getting help, but I know from personal experience of being prescribed Valium for a back problem (? it used to be the case) that drugs can add to the fog of not being able to see clearly. They remove the small highs of life as well as the major lows.
ReplyDeleteYou did right, John.
ReplyDeleteOn the subject of verbiage, isn't it odd how Anglo Saxon/English plain descriptive words have become swear words?
Sorry John. I think many women find the word offensive when used as a swear word. In fact I find it offensive myself even though I may have used it under my breath. I like the way you write with no holds seemingly barred, warts and all, but I feel this is a step too far. I guess I am so old and out of touch with modern reality.
ReplyDeleteDepression must be a real bastard.
DeleteI hate the word bastard
DeleteIt's offensive to kids born of wedlock
Yes, all of them!
I much prefer the term cunt
Depression is a cunt
Not a bastard cunt though
Good God. People, if a word John uses affronts you, shut the fuck up about it. You're not his teacher. Who do you think you are, to correct him? Don't come back if you are put off, and don't bother announcing your welcome exit! -Kate
ReplyDeleteI always love it when someone makes the big announcement that they are leaving. Don't let the keyboard hit you in the ass on your way out!
DeleteLol
DeleteI was taken aback by the C word - I'm a woman and I don't know anyone who uses this word.
ReplyDeleteNeither am I old.
Perhaps it's a cultural thing?
Definitely an offensive word.
I am a woman and not offended by the use of the c word. I like your interpretation of it ... to me, it is also non gender and is the highest insult possible. This is YOUR blog and if anyone has a problem with what you write, they can FECK RIGHT OFF! Love your blog. Greetings from Darlene in New Zealand
ReplyDelete