Today’s mood stemmed from a text I received from my friend Faisal who left for South Africa this morning
It was polite as Faisal always is and the message thanked me for my “friendship” and “ guidance” and “patience”.
I’m not known for my patience, that comment surprised me.
Faisal is gay, but apart from turning up at our gay book club a few months ago ,never really admitted he was to my face, having said that he spent much of our conversations talking about and asking questions of my gayness. Something I let him do because it was obvious easier for him to do so.
We only met four times
He has now left the uk for an asexual if not “straight” lifestyle in rural South Africa with his parents and siblings .
He is expecting an “ organised “ marriage too at some stage, and. made a point of telling me that marriages were more organised than arranged in his family
I missed the difference.
He’s in his forties, and his family have reeled him back home again
And as I hugged him goodbye I kissed him on the cheek and felt incredibly , incredibly sad I didn’t have him here for longer
Some just don't have the strength it takes to live their truth. Can't bear the thought of being judged by and losing family. So, they try to push what they feel and want and are down, bury it and try to live the life others expect of them. Sad way to live a life, but I hope it works out for him.
ReplyDeleteHis job is to run a family garage store, I am un clear why he has spent so long in the Uk
DeleteI want to make sure I understand this: he is gay but never really came out and now he is marrying a woman ( that he presumably doesn't know)? That is very very sad to have to live a lie. I feel sorry for him and hit s wife.
ReplyDeleteI don’t think the marriage has been organised or even arranged by his parents. They will be looking into it. Being older has been a problem he told me
DeleteFaisal sounds like a very nice person. Arranged/organized marriages are still demanded by some families. I've been told, families make (man-woman) matches based on class and social standing. The family likely allowed Faisal to live abroad for a period with the agreement he returns home for an arranged marriage.
ReplyDeleteThat makes some sense
DeleteThank you for introducing me to Lewis…tears…my hubby was Scottish. I feel for Faisal having to go back to where he can’t just be himself. GG
ReplyDeleteI think I have to be realistic here, this is not my story , it is his and he seemed rather sanguine to it
DeleteHe may come back x
ReplyDeletePerhaps mave
DeleteThat's sad. For him and his future wife. She might guess on some level that he doesn't completely want her. Then they'll have kids and he'll be more trapped and end up breaking up the family possibly if it becomes unbearable and if he feels life is ticking on. On the other hand he risks rejection by the family if he tells them. Sad all round.
ReplyDeleteNot sure why my comment came up Anonymous. My name is Ruth and I've made the odd comment before.
ReplyDeleteIt is difficult to say good-bye to friends of the heart, but when you see each other again, it will be as if you were never apart.
ReplyDeleteHope Faisal is safe in SA.
Hugs!
I have a terrible feeling that what he is doing will not end well for him. It was good that you talked to him as you did. Maybe, just maybe, he will end up making a choice that suits him for who he is, not what his family wants him to be. I am sorry for your loss John, it is clear that you really liked him.
ReplyDeleteI hope you are wrong jimbo
DeleteSo do I.
DeleteSounds like you made a highly positive impact on his life which, we trust, ought to assist him in finding his own bearings, even if his short term personal relationship prospects don't exactly look encouraging. Very likely he's done the same for you - though, of course, being totally different circumstances.
ReplyDeleteI think he affected mine too Raymondo
DeleteThe one that got away?
ReplyDeleteNo cro, it wasn’t a romantic friendship at all, though he is an attractive man.
DeleteAm so sorry how things are for him and that you miss him already. Like your first commenter, I wonder whether he did not feel strong enough to be truly himself back home. With everything that it would entail for him as he did so. I hope things go well for him.
ReplyDeletePeople make their own decisions we have to respect that
DeleteIt must be agonising for him to be torn between family and self. I'd like to think that his family love him enough to accept who he is, but sadly, in many cases it's not always the case. Societal and cultural pressures can be great. I hope he keeps in touch with you and finds a way through. I'm sorry you miss him so much but that's the price we pay for love. xx
ReplyDeleteHe will keep in touch , I am sure so we shall see
DeleteIt sounds like such a sad life he's returning to.
ReplyDeleteIt’s not my life,
DeleteMy, that is truly sad. No wonder you were feeling down in your last post. I admire your willingness to "get with the belly of life," those moments of raw connection that leave us vulnerable. He's lucky to have known you. And likewise, you have gained a bit of wisdom through the connection with him. May today - and many tomorrow to come- land softly for both of you.
ReplyDeleteI found him a sweet friend
DeleteThat IS sad. Not so much for you, but for what you recognize is the turn this young man's life is taking. You are a good friend, John.
ReplyDeleteI think john is sad because he couldn’t seduce a weaker minded man
DeleteYawn
DeleteGood luck to Faisal. I hope he manages to find some measure of happiness.
ReplyDeleteDitto
DeleteWeaver had a post the other day on generations and the biggest changes she has experienced in her life time. In my view it is a pity that some of the changes that have happened in the west haven’t happened everywhere. Some would say the opposite and rue the demise of sanctity of marriage and the nuclear family.
ReplyDeleteAs long as people are happy that’s all that matters
DeleteI wish Faisal all the best. There are many people who put family and culture above their own needs. I'm sure he will have a good life and reflect back on your friendship and his time spent in Britaim over the years.
ReplyDeleteI agree x
Delete25 years ago, I arranged my life according to what was best for my family. It has been hard, but in the end, we do what we feel we must, don't we? Looking at it all, really, I've been quite fortunate.
ReplyDelete