In the middle 1990s I had a sort of a thing with a guy, I will call Martin.
My relationship with P was on the rocks and was a real disaster and I found solace and excitement over some months with Martin when he had a spare evening free from his busy lifestyle.
I liked Martin.
He was witty and intelligent and loved art house movies and theatre and good food.
He took nothing too seriously but was always clear that he had a long term partner at home who he adored.
Playing away was always acceptable but only with a chosen one ( or two)
And Strangely I felt flattered.
Martin gave away big bear hugs as though it was your birthday everyday,
He played Chess exceptionally well and liked to read novels aloud.
He laughed a lot.
Our haphazard relationship ended when I met my husband to be, but at the end of the first lockdown we met each other again in London and in Chester and in Sheffield and it was lovely to feel the same about him albeit with sore knees, bad backs and jovial visits to the loo in the middle of the night.
Last week I found out that he had died.
And only a few days ago, through a mutual friend, I found out that Martin had taken his own life.
It’s his funeral today.
Oh my goodness John, how terrible. My condolences.
ReplyDeleteHe has loved ones that deserve condolences …
DeleteI feel rather odd
No YOU deserve condolences too John. He was a special friend and one of the good parts of your life and we should celebrate the good people and times ... and mourn them when they end. xx
DeleteHow awful - of course things change in lives over time, clearly there was great sadness of some kind. Condolences to you - glad you have the critters to hug.
ReplyDeletececi
I’m so sorry. If you have treasured someone and they have touched your heart their death must hurt. I think no matter what people show us on the exterior there can be crippling pain inside. Very sad for all who knew him and cared about him. Jean/winnipeg
ReplyDeleteWe never really know what someone is going through when we are not a big part of their life! Upon learning of their passing, it does leave us with a very odd feeling of loss. Been there myself, John.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry John - I would myself feel in a sort of limbo - perhaps sometime you could visit his resting place for some personal time xx
ReplyDeleteOh, John, this is so sad. The death of someone we know and care about is heartbreaking. When that death is through suicide, it must be even more so. Treasure your memories of him. xx
ReplyDeleteThat was a gut punch to me. You never know what is going on inside someone. That is one reason why I hate the nasty anon comments here. But those anons are probably very unhappy in their lives and feel the need to take it out on someone else to feel better about themselves.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry, John. Anyone who gives you bear hugs like its your birthday is a special kind of person. He was lucky to have someone as caring as you in his life during a time he also needed someone to lean on.
ReplyDeleteHugs John, it is so sad, that whatever was bothering him he was unable to express, or did not feel able to talk to anyone about. Difficult for you too as "warts n all friendships" where you can be yourself without explanation and enjoy each other's company are few and far between. Treasure those moments you did have "friendships" come in all shapes and sizes and are not for others to judge. Others do not walk in your shoes or experiences. Remember him as he was and not the way that he passed. Still takes the rug from under your feet though. Just take it steady John, just take it steadyxx Hugs [xxxx]
ReplyDeleteHow tragic and shocking for you John. I'm so sorry.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. It's bad enough to hear that anyone with whom you've shared a bit of your life has gone, but this is a way which leaves questions for everyone.
ReplyDeleteHow incredibly sad. He sounded such a lovely and grounded person. Suicide is such a huge question mark, do we ever really understand why?? Be safe, Hugs from Ro (n.w. Italy)
ReplyDeleteA sudden loss like this is a real jolt. As much as we think we know people, often we do not. RIP M. I'm sorry for your loss John.
ReplyDeleteHow awful. I’m glad you got to reconnect and am so sorry to read this. My heart breaks for him and all those who love him.
ReplyDeleteWe never know what battles people are fighting. So sad that he had reached that point. Arilx
ReplyDeleteI can understand why you would feel strange about this. How deeply sad and tragic. I give your hand a virtual squeeze.
ReplyDeleteSuch a sad thing. We can never know the full extent of what is happening in he life of another...even one we may hold very close and share our most private moments with. We can never understand the circumstances that leads to a person making that ultimate decision (even if only in the brief moment before they act on it). We can only carry that loss, those memories and the knowledge that they did what was, at that time, the right thing to do. I am sorry for the loss this has brought you, but remember, he memories you carry now and forever as almost as important as the life that was. Much love and hugs.
ReplyDeleteOh god, I'm so sorry John.
ReplyDeleteYou are allowed to grieve him as well. You had a relationship, you cared about him, even if others didn't know about you, you cared about him. There are so many rules about grieving but grief is grief and we feel it for people we only knew from a distance (the Queen), for animals we've loved, for lovers in the past, patients, even for strangers. You are allowed to grieve his death John.
How sad for all who cared for him.
ReplyDeleteHugs, my friend
Always sad when an old friend passes away.
ReplyDeleteOh no! I'm so sorry! What a shock that must have been.
ReplyDeleteI’m so sorry to read this John. You must feel very strange as you say, but , as someone else commented, you have a right, and a need, to grieve for your friend. I’m sending you a virtual bear hug. PennyL in Dorset xx
ReplyDeleteWhat a gut punch that must have been. It's always hard when a big part of one's past is no longer there, be it people, places, and yes, animals. Carol - a reader in Philadelphia.
ReplyDeleteOh John! How shocking. Grief and the feeling perhaps of ''if only he had reached out to me...". I'm so sorry for your loss.
ReplyDeleteOh my! Losing a dear friend is always hard, and when it occurs unexpectedly, it's even harder. Sending you a hug, John dear.
ReplyDeleteSuch a tragedy, John, and a shock to the warm memories. A few years ago, I found out that an old bf of mine had taken his life. He was the one who 12-stepped me into AA, and changed the trajectory of my entire life. I often wonder why he was so unhappy, and wish I could have talked to him. We can send them love now and thank them for loving us. They will hear us.
ReplyDeleteOh no, oh no, oh no. We absolutely never know, do we? I am so sorry.
ReplyDeleteSuicide is so sad for those left behind. They have been passed on the unhappiness of the person who chose to die, without really always being able to understand it.
ReplyDeleteDreadful news. Like losing a part of oneself. :-(
ReplyDeleteVery sad and shocking news for you John. x
ReplyDeleteHow sad. I am at a loss of words, well I have lots of them, but none would help. Be strong, be good to yourself,
ReplyDeleteTake a moment to hug, cherish and love those you care for most. Be it man or beast, we never know what the future may bring, so focus on the now and do the best we can for those we care for. Here is a hug and some love to my dear friend never met. So sorry dearheart Tess x
ReplyDeleteSo sorry John x
ReplyDeleteI am really sorry too. Perhaps he discovered that he had a
ReplyDeleteterminal illness? JanF
Sympathy to you, John. As Pixie said, everyone who cared has a right to grieve, in whatever way serves them. Your friend must have been holding in a great deal of pain. We never know, do we?
ReplyDeleteWow, I didn't see that coming. I am sure you didn't either. Sorry for your lose, John.
ReplyDeleteNo, I didn’t either
DeleteSuch sad news. Sincere condolences for your loss, Dear John. Sending hugs from here. x0x0 N2
ReplyDeleteOh darling I am so so sorry. Enjoy your memories of snatched time with a gorgeous someone who for a few hours at least allowed you both to shut out the world and just be. That is and was precious. God bless my lovely xxx
ReplyDeleteHope your aching heart finds solace in those happy memories.
ReplyDeleteHave you NO decency at all, Anonymous? Be gone!
DeleteSo very sorry to read this John - words are not enough
ReplyDeleteAlison in Wales x
Oh I am SO sorry John! At least you reconnected through covid lockdown, and have beautiful memories to cherish. Sending love and best wishes your way from New Zealand xxx
ReplyDeleteOh wow. I didn't see that coming. I am sorry.
ReplyDeleteOh John, I rarely post, but just wanted to extend my condolences, so sad for all x
ReplyDeleteSo sorry. I had a patient who killed herself, thirty years later it still upsets me. We got on well. Both young women with boyfriends and difficult relationships with our mums. I was her Practice nurse she was my hairdresser. I was devastated when I was told at work that she had hung herself. I felt i had failed her. RIP Martin. Hugs John xx
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry to read this. Part of it was fascinating, of course, but oh my. I hope you're doing ok.
ReplyDeleteOh my god. I am trying to think of something useful or helpful....i have nothing. I am so sorry.
ReplyDeleteI am so glad you knew him and his full of life self. One just never knows.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry John.
ReplyDeleteOh dear, I wasn't expecting your ending. Some people are in so much pain and turmoil that this seems like their only solution. RIP.
ReplyDeleteOh how awful... an ending I wasn't at all expecting. Poor Martin ... and poor you; losing someone you know whatever the relationship and in tragic circumstances is a punch in the guts for sure. I can see why you would feel a bit strange about it all. Grief hits you in different ways and on different days differently... be gentle on yourself. Hugs from NZ. RIP Martin.
ReplyDeleteJo in Auckland
How awful he must have been feeling. Poor Martin!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that you shared happy times with Martin. Sorry for your loss.
ReplyDeleteSad to lose a good friend, but the extra news must pull the rug out from under your feet as tis said.
ReplyDeleteSending hugs (((0)))
So sorry to hear of your loss. You must be left with so many questions xx Curly Club
ReplyDeleteI am sorry.
ReplyDeleteOh John, so sad
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry to hear this John, I have been in a similar position and the feelings that you go through are hard to process. Sending you much love and hugs from across the border. xx
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry for your loss, and even sorrier that Martin felt he needed to do that. Hugs to you!
ReplyDeleteOh I am so sorry, you must have been terribly close. It is a good job there are so many people on here to mourn with you. I presume his close family and friends have been in touch with you so that they can also offer you their condolences and support? After all, your loss is their loss too x
ReplyDeleteSo sorry John....sending you a big hug.
ReplyDeleteNo words can comfort for now but something to look forward to and brighten your day.
ReplyDeleteJust heard of "Words on Water" a unique bookshop in London , to keep in mind for your next visit.
I'm so sorry John. Very, very heartbreaking news. I truly hope you can feel my hug from across the pond
ReplyDeleteOh John, how sad! My condolences and a big virtual ((hug)).
ReplyDelete