Wednesday, 7 December 2022

Martin

In the middle 1990s I had a sort of a thing with a guy, I will call Martin.
My relationship with P was on the rocks and was a real disaster and I found solace and excitement  over some months with Martin when he had a spare evening free from his busy lifestyle. 
I liked Martin.
He was witty and intelligent and loved art house movies and theatre and good food.
He took nothing too seriously but was always clear that he had a long term partner at home who he adored. 
Playing away was always acceptable but only with a chosen one ( or two) 
And Strangely I felt flattered. 
Martin gave away big bear hugs as though it was your birthday everyday, 
He played Chess exceptionally well and liked to read novels aloud.
He laughed a lot. 

Our haphazard relationship ended when I met my husband to be, but at the end of the first lockdown we met each other again in London and in Chester and in Sheffield and it was lovely to feel the same about him albeit with sore knees, bad backs and jovial visits to the loo in the middle of the night.

Last week I found out that he had died.
And only a few days ago, through a mutual friend, I found out that Martin had taken his own life.

It’s his funeral today.

68 comments:

  1. Jennifer Barlow1:20 pm

    Oh my goodness John, how terrible. My condolences.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He has loved ones that deserve condolences …
      I feel rather odd

      Delete
    2. No YOU deserve condolences too John. He was a special friend and one of the good parts of your life and we should celebrate the good people and times ... and mourn them when they end. xx

      Delete
  2. Anonymous1:26 pm

    How awful - of course things change in lives over time, clearly there was great sadness of some kind. Condolences to you - glad you have the critters to hug.

    ceci

    ReplyDelete
  3. Anonymous1:38 pm

    I’m so sorry. If you have treasured someone and they have touched your heart their death must hurt. I think no matter what people show us on the exterior there can be crippling pain inside. Very sad for all who knew him and cared about him. Jean/winnipeg

    ReplyDelete
  4. We never really know what someone is going through when we are not a big part of their life! Upon learning of their passing, it does leave us with a very odd feeling of loss. Been there myself, John.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm sorry John - I would myself feel in a sort of limbo - perhaps sometime you could visit his resting place for some personal time xx

    ReplyDelete
  6. Oh, John, this is so sad. The death of someone we know and care about is heartbreaking. When that death is through suicide, it must be even more so. Treasure your memories of him. xx

    ReplyDelete
  7. That was a gut punch to me. You never know what is going on inside someone. That is one reason why I hate the nasty anon comments here. But those anons are probably very unhappy in their lives and feel the need to take it out on someone else to feel better about themselves.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I'm so sorry, John. Anyone who gives you bear hugs like its your birthday is a special kind of person. He was lucky to have someone as caring as you in his life during a time he also needed someone to lean on.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Hugs John, it is so sad, that whatever was bothering him he was unable to express, or did not feel able to talk to anyone about. Difficult for you too as "warts n all friendships" where you can be yourself without explanation and enjoy each other's company are few and far between. Treasure those moments you did have "friendships" come in all shapes and sizes and are not for others to judge. Others do not walk in your shoes or experiences. Remember him as he was and not the way that he passed. Still takes the rug from under your feet though. Just take it steady John, just take it steadyxx Hugs [xxxx]

    ReplyDelete
  10. How tragic and shocking for you John. I'm so sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I'm so sorry. It's bad enough to hear that anyone with whom you've shared a bit of your life has gone, but this is a way which leaves questions for everyone.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Anonymous2:37 pm

    How incredibly sad. He sounded such a lovely and grounded person. Suicide is such a huge question mark, do we ever really understand why?? Be safe, Hugs from Ro (n.w. Italy)

    ReplyDelete
  13. A sudden loss like this is a real jolt. As much as we think we know people, often we do not. RIP M. I'm sorry for your loss John.

    ReplyDelete
  14. How awful. I’m glad you got to reconnect and am so sorry to read this. My heart breaks for him and all those who love him.

    ReplyDelete
  15. We never know what battles people are fighting. So sad that he had reached that point. Arilx

    ReplyDelete
  16. I can understand why you would feel strange about this. How deeply sad and tragic. I give your hand a virtual squeeze.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Such a sad thing. We can never know the full extent of what is happening in he life of another...even one we may hold very close and share our most private moments with. We can never understand the circumstances that leads to a person making that ultimate decision (even if only in the brief moment before they act on it). We can only carry that loss, those memories and the knowledge that they did what was, at that time, the right thing to do. I am sorry for the loss this has brought you, but remember, he memories you carry now and forever as almost as important as the life that was. Much love and hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Oh god, I'm so sorry John.

    You are allowed to grieve him as well. You had a relationship, you cared about him, even if others didn't know about you, you cared about him. There are so many rules about grieving but grief is grief and we feel it for people we only knew from a distance (the Queen), for animals we've loved, for lovers in the past, patients, even for strangers. You are allowed to grieve his death John.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Barbara Anne2:58 pm

    How sad for all who cared for him.

    Hugs, my friend

    ReplyDelete
  20. Always sad when an old friend passes away.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Oh no! I'm so sorry! What a shock that must have been.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Anonymous3:17 pm

    I’m so sorry to read this John. You must feel very strange as you say, but , as someone else commented, you have a right, and a need, to grieve for your friend. I’m sending you a virtual bear hug. PennyL in Dorset xx

    ReplyDelete
  23. Anonymous3:36 pm

    What a gut punch that must have been. It's always hard when a big part of one's past is no longer there, be it people, places, and yes, animals. Carol - a reader in Philadelphia.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Oh John! How shocking. Grief and the feeling perhaps of ''if only he had reached out to me...". I'm so sorry for your loss.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Damselfly4:04 pm

    Oh my! Losing a dear friend is always hard, and when it occurs unexpectedly, it's even harder. Sending you a hug, John dear.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Such a tragedy, John, and a shock to the warm memories. A few years ago, I found out that an old bf of mine had taken his life. He was the one who 12-stepped me into AA, and changed the trajectory of my entire life. I often wonder why he was so unhappy, and wish I could have talked to him. We can send them love now and thank them for loving us. They will hear us.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Oh no, oh no, oh no. We absolutely never know, do we? I am so sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Barbara4:50 pm

    Suicide is so sad for those left behind. They have been passed on the unhappiness of the person who chose to die, without really always being able to understand it.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Dreadful news. Like losing a part of oneself. :-(

    ReplyDelete
  30. Very sad and shocking news for you John. x

    ReplyDelete
  31. How sad. I am at a loss of words, well I have lots of them, but none would help. Be strong, be good to yourself,

    ReplyDelete
  32. Take a moment to hug, cherish and love those you care for most. Be it man or beast, we never know what the future may bring, so focus on the now and do the best we can for those we care for. Here is a hug and some love to my dear friend never met. So sorry dearheart Tess x

    ReplyDelete
  33. So sorry John x

    ReplyDelete
  34. Anonymous6:22 pm

    I am really sorry too. Perhaps he discovered that he had a
    terminal illness? JanF

    ReplyDelete
  35. Sympathy to you, John. As Pixie said, everyone who cared has a right to grieve, in whatever way serves them. Your friend must have been holding in a great deal of pain. We never know, do we?

    ReplyDelete
  36. Wow, I didn't see that coming. I am sure you didn't either. Sorry for your lose, John.

    ReplyDelete
  37. Such sad news. Sincere condolences for your loss, Dear John. Sending hugs from here. x0x0 N2

    ReplyDelete
  38. Oh darling I am so so sorry. Enjoy your memories of snatched time with a gorgeous someone who for a few hours at least allowed you both to shut out the world and just be. That is and was precious. God bless my lovely xxx

    ReplyDelete
  39. Hope your aching heart finds solace in those happy memories.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Damselfly10:16 pm

      Have you NO decency at all, Anonymous? Be gone!

      Delete
  40. Anonymous8:51 pm

    So very sorry to read this John - words are not enough
    Alison in Wales x

    ReplyDelete
  41. Anonymous9:10 pm

    Oh I am SO sorry John! At least you reconnected through covid lockdown, and have beautiful memories to cherish. Sending love and best wishes your way from New Zealand xxx

    ReplyDelete
  42. Oh wow. I didn't see that coming. I am sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  43. Anonymous9:33 pm

    Oh John, I rarely post, but just wanted to extend my condolences, so sad for all x

    ReplyDelete
  44. So sorry. I had a patient who killed herself, thirty years later it still upsets me. We got on well. Both young women with boyfriends and difficult relationships with our mums. I was her Practice nurse she was my hairdresser. I was devastated when I was told at work that she had hung herself. I felt i had failed her. RIP Martin. Hugs John xx

    ReplyDelete
  45. I am so sorry to read this. Part of it was fascinating, of course, but oh my. I hope you're doing ok.

    ReplyDelete
  46. Oh my god. I am trying to think of something useful or helpful....i have nothing. I am so sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  47. I am so glad you knew him and his full of life self. One just never knows.

    ReplyDelete
  48. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  49. I am so sorry John.

    ReplyDelete
  50. Oh dear, I wasn't expecting your ending. Some people are in so much pain and turmoil that this seems like their only solution. RIP.

    ReplyDelete
  51. Oh how awful... an ending I wasn't at all expecting. Poor Martin ... and poor you; losing someone you know whatever the relationship and in tragic circumstances is a punch in the guts for sure. I can see why you would feel a bit strange about it all. Grief hits you in different ways and on different days differently... be gentle on yourself. Hugs from NZ. RIP Martin.

    Jo in Auckland

    ReplyDelete
  52. How awful he must have been feeling. Poor Martin!

    ReplyDelete
  53. I'm glad that you shared happy times with Martin. Sorry for your loss.

    ReplyDelete
  54. Sad to lose a good friend, but the extra news must pull the rug out from under your feet as tis said.
    Sending hugs (((0)))

    ReplyDelete
  55. Anonymous9:59 am

    So sorry to hear of your loss. You must be left with so many questions xx Curly Club

    ReplyDelete
  56. I am sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  57. I am so sorry to hear this John, I have been in a similar position and the feelings that you go through are hard to process. Sending you much love and hugs from across the border. xx

    ReplyDelete
  58. I'm sorry for your loss, and even sorrier that Martin felt he needed to do that. Hugs to you!

    ReplyDelete
  59. Anonymous12:06 pm

    Oh I am so sorry, you must have been terribly close. It is a good job there are so many people on here to mourn with you. I presume his close family and friends have been in touch with you so that they can also offer you their condolences and support? After all, your loss is their loss too x

    ReplyDelete
  60. So sorry John....sending you a big hug.

    ReplyDelete
  61. No words can comfort for now but something to look forward to and brighten your day.
    Just heard of "Words on Water" a unique bookshop in London , to keep in mind for your next visit.

    ReplyDelete
  62. I'm so sorry John. Very, very heartbreaking news. I truly hope you can feel my hug from across the pond

    ReplyDelete
  63. Curvywitch5:59 pm

    Oh John, how sad! My condolences and a big virtual ((hug)).

    ReplyDelete

I love all comments Except abusive ones from arseholes