I heard on the radio this morning that people can now apply for a no fault divorce.
I am pleased to hear this, I really am, for it brings a kindness into an often unkind situation .
This is a no blame blog today, it’s just a reflective one , so please respect my wishes in any of your comments…the last time I used the word kindness in a blog title the shit really hit the fan.
I was sited in my divorce as behaving unreasonably during the marriage
I remember reading the words in that little box the reasons behind them with disbelief and shock.
I was stung by the unfairness and fallaciousness of it all.
I remember my dumpy Welsh solicitor supplying me with sweet coffee and tissues at the time and she kept saying “Ignore the words , they are not personal” and I understood just why they were used as there was no other get out clause for my husband to go use and because he wanted to end the marriage he had to say the appropriate words to get the divorce wheels in motion
And on reflection this was unfair on both of us.
Terribly unfair.
The new law with its no blame culture is kinder all round
And I celebrate and welcome it.
Anyway that was my reflection this morning.
Over coffee.
I rang HR with my request to drop my work hours today. The counselling course will be a return to things I know and use but it will be an updated and new way of learning for me as it’s more theoretical side will challenge my naturally lazy academic streak.
Cutting my hours clinically will give space for my counselling course without everything becoming too much.
I’m not about to let go of my post lockdown freedoms now
Not for anything
And so in the spirit of all that I’m meeting a friend shortly for a walk followed by brunch and tonight I’m meeting another friend to see Milky Peaks which is a gay musical which takes a side swipe at Welsh Nationalism and identity within a North Wales mountain town.
Like you do……..
H.I.'s ex said that she had deserted her, whereas he had an affair with a young woman and deserted her. He took her pension contributions with him. Up until recently, a woman had to ask her husband's permission to go back to her maiden name.
ReplyDelete'him' in the first line.
DeleteReally I never knew that regarding names changing , gawd!
DeleteAfter divorce, he wouldn't be her husband so why would she have to ask his permission for anything? How recent is recent? Just curious because I've never heard of such a thing.
DeleteSorry have to disagree about the name-change thing; you’ve always been free to call yourself anything you want as long as it’s not for fraudulent purposes.
DeleteI so agree with you about the no blame divorce. To have to cite unreasonable behaviour in a partner in order to get divorced is unkind, archaic and cruel in my opinion. I'm one of the lucky ones, who found the right person, but I have witnessed the effects of divorce and despite people saying they have an "amicable" divorce, feelings are hurt and take years (if ever) to heal. Anyway, great news about cutting your hours. It will give you time to explore other options, and time to breathe! xx
ReplyDeleteYes there should be just a box saying they don’t love you anymore
DeleteI totally agree with you about the change to divorce procedures. My ex-husband and I both refused to 'blame', so we separated and waited, I think it was 5 years. Encouraging people to make up things, basically lies, was just cruel.
ReplyDeleteIndeed
DeleteDefinitely this is a good move on the divorce front..although I was gaslighted, which did put wheels in motion pdq thankfully. I have seen enough couples who want to get things over amicably and the system has spoiled that.
ReplyDeleteNow THAT sounds like an interesting musical!! Looking forward to your review!
Oh I will be giving one, if you want it or not lol
DeleteYes, it sounds very sensible and it is amazing that it has taken so long.
ReplyDeleteYes, common sense really, less paperwork
DeleteI divorced my ex because I wanted to remarry. By the time of the divorce all acrimony had gone and I just wanted to move on but was confronted with a legal system that had to lay blame. The mischievous side of me wanted to site Adultery but technically as I was living with someone else he could have replied with the same so I went for Mental Cruelty and I still chuckle that he never bat an eyelid at that but nearly popped a gasket at the mention of Adultery!. But it never felt right having to lay blame so I am grateful for the change to what is a very Victorian Divorce system
ReplyDeleteLesley xx
Lesley , I was on the receiving end of the blame culture of divorce
DeleteIt affected me dreadfully
I still feel guilty, 16 years after my divorce, for having to apportion blame to my ex husband when the reality was that I no longer loved him. He is a good man and the father of my children and when I read the news this morning it made me cry for the hurt I caused and so it’s good news in what can be a very painful situation.
ReplyDeleteI hope you told him he was a good man
DeleteI understand that you fell out of love with him, my husband did the same …this happens and it’s understandable that you wanted out of the marriage but the system made you lie to get out.
That helps no one
Especially your husband
I did tell him, I still do as I see him when he’s visiting my children. But there isn’t a day when I don’t feel guilt, that’s the price I pay for the hurt that was caused.
DeleteThat is a cruel way to have to divorce and I'm glad the laws have changed. That must have hurt a great deal. I'm sorry you had to go through that.
ReplyDeleteHere's hoping you can reduce your hours at work. I'm off for two weeks now with painful feet but I really need to retire.
Sending hugs.
Yes, it would have been healthier for my psychi and my self esteem if the rules had been different
DeleteThankfully here in Australia no fault divorce was introduced in 1975.
ReplyDeleteWe’ve waited a long time too long
DeleteWith Australian no fault divorce, you must be separated for 12 months.If no property or child custody issues in question you don't even have to be present in court.
DeleteA change long past due. Happiness lies ahead.
ReplyDeleteEasier divorces help everyone
DeleteAs I recall no fault divorce legislation was enacted here in the 1970s. I am a bit surprised it has only just happened in Wales. Pre then, it was a nasty business, with private investigators to find infidelity, cruelty within the marriage or at best irreconcilable differences. Huh, behaving unreasonably would give us all cause for divorce, except for me who is always reasonable.
ReplyDeleteIt was possible to get a no-blame divorce prior to this in England and Wales but the two parties had to live separately for two years and both agree to the divorce.
DeleteYes…I was expecting the latter
DeleteAre sure that "Milky Peaks"is not about a well-endowed nursing mother?
ReplyDeleteTrust you
DeleteA kinder way to navigate a painful time can never a bad thing.
ReplyDeleteI like the idea of no-fault divorce. I've seen even the friendliest of relationships and amicable partings turn ugly thanks to the required legal proceedings.
ReplyDeleteI cannot understand how anyone would feel it right to lie on “ official” documents
ReplyDeleteI must say John when I read the details in the Times I thought - how much hurt this is going to do away with. Now hopefully you can try to remember the happy times. Love. x
ReplyDeleteBeing able to obtain a no-fault divorce without a waiting period in lieu of citing immediate grounds for divorce of adultery, unreasonable behaviour, etc. is indeed a wonderful development. In Canada, you still need a one-year separation period before being able to go the no-fault divorce route. However, it usually takes at least a year for the parties to work out a separation agreement covering support, custody and asset division anyway, so it's not much of a hardship to wait.
ReplyDeleteYes see Rachel’s point
DeleteThe separation period went to one year in Canada in 1986 and I think reasonable. You can even live together for three months during that time if you want to try a reconciliation without being legally penalized. divorce is painful enough without having to assign blame.
DeleteThat's the route I took in my divorce. I wanted out and had proof of his unfaithfulness. He didn't want her named and her Mother hurt!
DeleteFor some reason I went along with it. I will say the one year gave me peace and time to accept that he just wasn't cut out for marriage.
And no he didn't marry her. Turns out she had a habit of having affairs with married men.
What a VERY good idea. People sometimes just grow apart and both reconcile to moving on. The blame game is so negative - and if any children are involved, it's so damaging. A more enlightened approach and one that would have saved on so much trauma for so many in past years. Enjoy your Milky Peaks!
ReplyDeleteMy divorce was one sided but I would never have fought anything
DeleteWhat would be the point
I'm surprised a no-fault divorce is a new thing here. In the states no-fault divorces have been possible for decades (although the laws vary state by state).
ReplyDeleteYes it seems totally stupid
DeleteWhat great news. A step out of the dark ages.
ReplyDeleteIndeed x
DeleteI hope you never have to experience the "new" divorce laws!
ReplyDeleteBoth of my divorces were due to irreconcilable differences ... just made it a bit easier ... actually, it was a relief to be out of them both! Two was more then enough for me!!
One was enough for me
DeleteThis probably won't help, looking back--but in a divorce *anything* can constitute "unreasonable behavior": my ex thought it was unreasonable [and crazy!] that I like to have baths instead of showering. It can be that petty.
ReplyDeleteUnderstood….the old divorce wasn’t kind
DeleteThough my ex husband was very very much to blame I didn't want to have that as a basis for moving on. Despite him knowing he was in the wrong he never admitted it and never will but he did say after the eventual divorce that I had been "brilliant throughout". I instigated the divorce and pretty much dealt with all of it myself and the fact that I behaved with integrity meant that I could move on positively. Indeed I did and met my current husband when not looking and happily single. I truly believe that the best revenge is to move on with your life and live it to the full so I did. I wonder if I would have been so happy in my new relationship had I still been wrangling with the legal minutiae of my old one. It also would not have been great for my children who were my first consideration rather than myself.
ReplyDeleteNicely written and shared
DeleteThank you. I think I was trying to say that even if the other party is to blame the 'innocent' party is negatively affected by dragging negative things through the courts in an extended battle with everyone feeling angry, bitter and hurt. Best to just be the better person and move swiftly on.
DeleteThank you John-I was here in the cold but wore a muff-You are a Gentleman John-I must say if I was ever to divorce s**t would hit the fan-If I may be so crude x
ReplyDeleteGoing gently wouldn’t be the same without you, you daft bat
DeleteNot only should divorce be no fault, I also think marriages should need to be renewed every five years. If you don't renew the marriage is over.
ReplyDeleteI like this idea very much! But then I hate the institution of marriage with a vengeance and think it should be abolished so never mind me, I’ll just grumble over here in my corner…
DeleteI've said that for years. Marriage should be like a mortgage. Renewable every five years if both parties agree.
DeleteI think it's a welcome change to the law. Arilx
ReplyDeleteBarbara Anne-John has found the key to the other door x
ReplyDeleteI had no idea! What a way to kick someone while they're already down. And yes, how hurtful for both parties!
ReplyDeleteThe old way was loose loose
DeleteNo fault is a misnomer but I recently went through one. Gigantic headache and money spent
ReplyDeleteUnderstood Adam , understood
DeleteI genuinely can't remember what the Scottish law was 12 years ago but we went down the 2 year separation route, even though it was due to his affair. It has had a huge effect on me although I kept my married name purely just to piss him off!! And it did! ;-)
ReplyDeleteThe blame thing affected me deeply
DeleteIt made me feel a failure
Even though I hadnt done anything wrong
No fault divorce seems the best option for everyone. Nobody taking blame is ideal. Given all the divorce, "until death do us part" often does not work. Congratulations on cutting your hours and starting your coursework.
ReplyDeleteThe hours arnt finalised as yet 🤞🏻
DeleteThis no fault change has been for the better. It would have made my divorce more pleasant. I even had to "sue" to get my telephone number back. The phone I paid to have installed in my apartment when I graduated college.
ReplyDeleteBest wishes go with you on this new adventure.
I also hope that the practice of giving everything to an ex-wife will soon change too. I know of several cases where unfaithful wives ended-up with the lot, having contributed nothing. Even John Cleese experienced it, and his recent ex will have a fortune to leave to HER children, whilst Cleese has very little to leave to HIS. This needs to change too!
ReplyDeleteI have so much to tell you I could write a book. I lived in California and that state has a no fault divorce.
ReplyDeleteI hope you are fine now, sounds like it. I love you going out and about ! Makes me so happy.
cheers, parsnip
I have absolutely no tales of anything of such nature. I have been with my wife since she let loose a cream filled chocolate eclair onto the front of my sport coat, tie, dress shirt, slacks and fine leather shoes. She worked in a bakery, I worked in a Haberdashery, Which lead to my visit to her Italian father, who (having three daughters)gladly gave me permission to marry HER. His only advice was, step on her neck if she gives you any sh*t. So far we have spent 56 yrs. as combatents of a loving sort.
ReplyDeleteIt's good news that the divorce law is changing for the better. Bad enough the wrenching apart of the relationship and home, without the damage to a person's feeling of self worth. That damage and pain can take years to heal and should never be a part of it all.
ReplyDeleteNo faults divorce is definitely for the better and I agree with Cro - divorce settlements need to be more equally shared. Fingers crossed you get your reduced hours.
ReplyDeleteHaving seen friends go through truly horrible divorces this is such a positive step to make it less traumatic.
ReplyDeleteBelatedly, it is about time there was a kinder option when folks part ways.
ReplyDeleteHugs!
I'am glad to read the whole content of this blog and am very excited,Thank you for sharing good topic.
ReplyDeleteភ្នាល់បាល់
Totally agree John. When I first went into the legal profession some 40 years ago things were totally different and a lot more long-winded than they are now. Over the years there has been a great deal of unnecessary conflict by not having this option which then because of procedure ended up in Court cases which were often a whole fisticuff fight and which the Courts then found blocked their lists. Never so more than in children cases. A lot of people fell into wanting a no fault divorce Decree Absolute or dissolution which was unavailable to them. Hopefully this will now simplify the process in a more dignified and consensual manner and is a step towards things yet to come. Hugs Tricia x
ReplyDelete