Mr Poznán caught me watering the Women Institute’s flower bed at half past seven. I had already checked on the village green beds but all those had been watered by one of the wardens.
I was hot and sweaty and I joked that the exercise would burn more fat off me
Mr Poznań looked serious and told me not to be so hard on myself , he had already noticed that I’d lost nearly a stone and a half.
“ I’ve noticed that You have a habit of dumbing yourself down “ he said kindly “ you don’t have to do that”
His smile was disarming and I found myself suddenly a bit emotional.
He patted me on the shoulder as a goodbye. “ You need a man friend “ he told me looking at the watering can
I have a habit of indulging in self depreciating humour.
Of course it’s a defence mechanism…and as I watered the plants I reminded myself of the lesbian comic Hannah Gadsby who once specialised her act at one time with self put downs
She described what she felt about thus
“ I have built a career out of self-deprecating humor and I don’t want to do that anymore. Do you understand what self-deprecation means when it come from somebody who already exists in the margins? It’s not humility, it's humiliation. I put myself down in order to speak, in order to seek permission to speak“
There is a resonance in her words
Yes, put ourselves down before anyone else does. I rather like Hannah's words xxx
ReplyDeleteMr Poznan`sounds a genuinely kindly man John and very intuitive-I myself do this and I do this because of others and their unkindly opinion of me which I no longer value-it is very difficult to break the habit though-people who have made me feel like this can sod off-We must all celebrate who we are now x
ReplyDeleteHe’s an old man I’m very comfortable with . A genuinely nice human being . Gentle and thoughtful .
DeleteA few years ago he learnt welsh specifically to talk to the few welsh speakers at the hall
John, he sounds like a truly lovely person to know. You are so fortunate to be living where you do. I felt badly at first that you felt the need to "protect yourself." So glad that he shared his thoughts with you. I hope it helps you continue to become even more happy with yourself. You deserve that. Hugs from the base of the mini-mountain in Maine.
ReplyDeleteHe’s a delightful and deep character
DeleteJohn you speak more words of wisdom than most folk I know. Over the years I have 'known' you you have helped me through some troubled times more than you will ever know.
ReplyDeleteI should listen to myself xx
DeleteSuch love from Mr P.
ReplyDeleteMy surrogate dad
DeleteNice to have someone who loves you.
DeleteWe need to love ourselves for who we are. You are so beautiful.
ReplyDeleteAs if xxx lol
Delete“ I have built a career out of self-deprecating humor and I don’t want to do that anymore. Do you understand what self-deprecation means when it come from somebody who already exists in the margins? It’s not humility, it's humiliation. I put myself down in order to speak, in order to seek permission to speak“
ReplyDeleteMe too
It’s powerful isn’t it
DeleteI am very self deprecating for 2 reasons: 1) so people know that I am well aware that I am overweight 2). To beat them to the punch
ReplyDeleteI get that. So much
DeleteOh John. I hear you. And I plead guilty. When asked about my twenty years plus on the crisis line I put it down to being a slow learner. 'Big noting' ourselves was a crime in our family.
ReplyDeleteYes we shouldn’t do it x
Deletei'm very self deprecating. i guess i always felt it humanized me more. i need to give this some thought.
ReplyDeleteWe all need a Mr. Poznan in our lives. His words and wisdom are well meant and very sound.
ReplyDeleteI didn't need to learn to put myself down, I had my dad to do that every single day of his life. But I am extremely shy...so when I became a fashion designer in NYC, I made up a bold confident loud person who could fight battles, who could succeed. Not lovable or cute but no one put me down to my face. Be bold, John! [Is this a British thing?]
ReplyDeletelove you however you chose to be!
lizzy
x
I looked it up! To my amazement self deprecation IS a specifically British trait. No wonder it seemed like very odd behavior to me, as I admit I do not ''get'' British humor.
Delete''Us Brits are more into laughing at ourselves and self- deprecation - we do it because we are confident in who we are and have an odd sense of humour.''
So using Self-dep is actually a sign of self confidence. John, you braggart, you!
An interesting point and a valid one….secretly confident I wonder what hannah would say
DeleteA stone and a half? What? Do you have rocks in your pockets? America is asking.
ReplyDeleteI can recommend Hannah's Netflix.shows Nanette and Douglas. She is wonderful, very insightful and funny.
ReplyDeleteYou're lovely. and yes, a man friend would be nice...
ReplyDeleteMr. Poznan sounds like a kindly soul. He's also absolutely right. On all of it.
ReplyDeleteI've known a lot of preachers who do the self deprecating thing from the pulpit and I always say the same thing to them: people will criticise your preaching, there's no reason to tell them what to say!
ReplyDeleteOutstanding post today. Much to think about and try to understand.
ReplyDeleteMr. Poznan sounds lovely.
Mr Poznan is a kind man and worthy of a hug, wise words to live by John we are often to hard on ourselves.
ReplyDeleteWhat a lovely man Mr. Poznan is!
ReplyDeleteI often sign off my emails with "Be good to you." I mean that in what your do for yourself and what messages you give yourself. It matters.
Hugs!
Self-deprecating is a very British trait. We do it too often. Mr Poznan sounds like a very nice man.
ReplyDeleteI'm another for self-deprecation while wishing I wasn't. Why waste time doing oneself down when there are so many around who'll willingly do it for you?
ReplyDeleteMr Poznan sounds like a genuinely kind and thoughtful neighbour...much like you. He's right. Hopefully you are ready to stop doing yourself down and celebrate being John! x
ReplyDeleteYou have some wonderful neighbours and I'm jealous.
ReplyDeleteMaybe there is an element of modesty in self depreciation but I agree that mostly its a defence mechanism. I know I do it also with a kind of cynicism sometimes when I really want to be positive.
What a wise and kind man Mr Poznan is. You are so lucky to be surrounded by people who care about you and each other. Be kind to yourself, you're worth it! xx
ReplyDeleteI agree with Linda. It's to 'beat them to the punch'. I'd never thought of it that way before but that's exactly what it is.
ReplyDeleteAn observant and kind man with excellent advice. I should consider it, as well. I’m not familiar with Hannah Gadsby, but “It’s not humility, it's humiliation.” Exactly.
ReplyDeleteOof. I'm seeing a counselor weekly because that whole thing has gotten out of control and my harsh judgements of myself are really holding my life back. Though I didn't GO knowing that, I've found it out over the weeks. xo
ReplyDeleteNot just you, John.
ReplyDeleteInteresting. I'm going to have to think about that. I think some self-deprecation is healthy, but perhaps like anything, overdoing it can be harmful or indicative of deeper problems.
ReplyDeleteWe could all use a Mr Poznań in our lives. xo
ReplyDeleteIf I could bottle him , I’d make a fortune
DeleteWe all need a special friend sometimes.
ReplyDeleteA good self-examination of behavior and maybe a new (or slightly changed) outlook is good.
ReplyDeleteYes.
ReplyDeleteAnd Mr. Poznan was being so very truthful in his kindness.
Nice to have neighbors who like you, John!
ReplyDeleteMr Poznan is an insightful and kind individual. And, he's right! I love Hannah Gadsby. Her special called 'Nanette', which you are referring to, was funny, poignant and made me cry.
ReplyDeleteHe’s a gentle soul who has always gone out of his way to be kind
DeleteWhat a lovely man Mr Poznan is.
ReplyDeleteI have spent my whole life talking myself into being a dry,dark, self depreciating humored person.
It's hard work believe me. Take Care
Understood ….
DeleteI always told my children not to put themselves down because plenty of people in the world would do it for them, but I always used self-deprecating humor. My mother put me down constantly and she couldn't stand for anyone to take pride in what they did or achieved. She was very critical when my three-year-old daughter said she was smart because she didn't want anyone to feel good.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Janie