I never really got on with my father.
I’ve written about this fact before
He died in 1989
Before I was fully cooked, so,to speak
Just a few years ago I learned that my paternal grandfather was a bit of a bully.
He was a dour Scot and used the belt as corporal punishment.
He used it a lot.
Today his actions would be seen as bordering on child abuse.
My father was the eldest of three boys.
And he would always be the one who got a whipping
By stepping up, it would seem that he protected his two brothers, the youngest six years his junior
I never got on with my father,
But, now, I’m approaching my sixties
He’s a bit of a hero of mine.
Parents often hold back speaking about their childhoods, in order to spare us, but sometimes it would have helped to know some of the things that shaped them. I guess it's a question of picking the right time to tell your children, when they're old enough to understand and assimilate the information. Sadly, that time is often too late.
ReplyDeletePS: You've inherited your Dad's good looks, though! xx
Good point..even as a child if I’d known his past, I would have still see him differently
DeleteMy Mom has never talked much...I learned about my family from my grandparents. Unfortunately, I learned well from my Mom not to communicate feelings and to be a 'good girl', I'm still working on the communication, and struggle with being too much of a people pleaser!
ReplyDeleteI came from a 1970s family
DeleteNothing was shared, nothing
when we really take a good long hard look at our ancestors, we really start to see why our lives were/are the way they are. That's why I'm a genealogist. My father had a terrible terrible life. His sister was beaten so badly she went blind, but the children were left in the care of that grandparent. Another baby was handed off to strangers. I think my father mourned his whole life, but at the same time, he was THE best Dad.
ReplyDeleteWe need to understand the context , people lived in
DeleteNo "bordering" about it. Beating a child with a belt is child abuse.
ReplyDeleteAgreed.....and I think even then my grandmother understood that but was powerless
DeleteThrough the years, whenever I asked my Dad why he didn’t graduate from high school he was always very vague. Two years ago I learned that he quit school at 16, got a job, and made the payments on the family farm so they wouldn’t be homeless. His dad was an unfaithful husband, a raging drunk, and a horrible father. At 20 Dad married my Mom, and as a wedding gift his parents told him he didn’t have to make any more payments. I have come to admire my Dad even more (great husband and father, by the way), and am glad his father died before I knew the truth.
ReplyDeleteInteresting and moving story
DeleteMy dad didn't like me or support who I was, he was verbally abusive and unkind. Yet as the years pass I find myself telling stories about him, he was a talented interesting, multifaceted man. I make him into MY hero. But that is just wishful thinking, a write of history. [how I longed to be daddy's little princess, instead of ''you gawky idiot".]
ReplyDeletelizzy
You invented the dad you wanted and needed
DeleteGreat insight, thank you!
DeleteI used to tease my mum about her telephone voice when I was a young teenager and her standing with her foot at a jaunty angle for photos and saying"what will people think"about stuff that would be none of their business anyway and thought it all a bit shallow-Mum as a child lived in a cobbled street terrace house and quite poor and just wanted more for me-they managed to send me to a private school and she was so proud but unfortunately they stopped elecution lessons after I arrived which she had been informed I would receive which disappointed her being replaced by fencing x
ReplyDeleteLovely story
DeleteAs we pass through the ages of life we reassess our parents and learn more about them. But no law says we have to like or even love them. The best family can be the family we choose without apology. And by speaking of our own family problems and experiences, other people confide and share theirs, and we learn we are not alone in our experiences or lessons and insights. learnt.
ReplyDeleteTime is the healer, time and insight
DeleteCorporal punishment was an accepted fact of life in those days. I'm sure his father thought he was doing the right thing. But yeah, we don't always appreciate how hard some peoples' experiences have been in earlier life.
ReplyDeleteHe thought he was, I get the feeling no one else did
DeleteLooks like I still can’t comment...
ReplyDeleteTake that back - looks like I can!
ReplyDeleteI don't think we often know the truth about most people, we just see the outer shell that someone has created for the world, but knowing something of what happened to them helps with understanding.
ReplyDeleteWe are all jigsaws
DeleteHurrah
ReplyDeleteUntil we are adults ... proper adults who can cope with adulting ... it is hard to understand our parents or why they did what they did during our formative years. Once we understand it it still doesn't mean we have to like it or them ... or agree with them or their methods.
ReplyDeleteSometimes though once we see clearly and understand their past lives it can be so much more forgivable or at the very least more understandable.
But I think it mostly boils down to communication or the lack or it, and communication with children used to be very sadly lacking. Talking opens all sorts of new pathways for relationships, and not talking closes them down.
Thanks, you put it much more succinctly than I did. x
DeleteNot trying to be pedantic, but you have a paternal grandfather and a maternal grandfather, but not a fraternal grandfather. I do know that you have a fraternal twin. We
ReplyDeleteour parents were a product of their environment, some overcame it, some did not. I hope I have,
ReplyDeleteYes product of their times
DeleteMy father was my absolute hero, my mother left him with 4 children in 1963 ( the day before I sat the 11+ ) it was unheard of for a man to bring up children on his own and he fought tooth and nail to keep us, between us we muddled through, I cooked a Christmas dinner aged 11 and was mum to my brothers and sister. He did his best for us and love and miss him every single day..
ReplyDeleteA lovely story debbie x
DeleteSilence is never for the best as being left wondering often takes a turn for the worst and the truth usually isn't nearly as bad.
ReplyDeleteI believe that hugs always make things better, but then I come from a family of huggers and created a family of huggers.
Hugs!
Hugs.......physical medicine
DeleteMy father grew up in poverty with an alcoholic mum which helps me understand him better now, but as a child, all I knew is that he was angry and usually cold.
ReplyDeleteAnd now you know why
DeleteBeing a father is an ongoing art. One of trails and lessons learned. If love for your children is your primary motive you as I have, we end up with responsible and carring children, who bring to you grandchildren of the same sort.
ReplyDeleteWe do the best we can with what we’ve got x
DeleteOh, John...
ReplyDeleteXx
DeleteOh John this so often happens. We don't learn the complete story until it is too late.
ReplyDeleteSuch is life x
DeleteMemories and stories learnt can be joyful but sometimes so harsh.
ReplyDeleteEat a scotch egg and cuddle Dorothy, Mary and Albert.
Am cuddling them now all three
DeleteI am the eldest of four children and whenever anything happened my mother regarded it as my fault and punished me accordingly because I was "old enough to know better", even when the younger ones were in their late teens and also old enough to know better. My youngest sister uses this phrase with her eldest child and I wince every time I hear it.
ReplyDeleteAs eldest, it was ‘my fault for starting it’ or ‘my fault for continuing it ‘.
DeleteAnd we have never forgotten these phrases, showing the depth of their impact. x
DeleteYears ago there was a concern about a relative-my dad approached him-this man sat on a pedestal but dad had strong morals-the youngest of 5-there was unpleasantness and ripples and dad took the brunt-Also my mum spoke to her aunt and told her daughter(mums cousin) was very poorly needed her at her bedside-the aunt had not visited her even though the cousin asked her mother herself and was very upset-mum cared for her daily for quite a while-the aunt was angry with mum who was trying to help her beloved cousin die in peace-I too have stood up to outlaws whose attitude was unacceptable to me as someone else dare not do so-'someone'thanked me then disappointedly had no morals themselves-B****** x
ReplyDeleteThings were so different back in the day. My father had a rough upbringing. As a result, he was not a gentle father, but I had a better childhood than he did.
ReplyDeleteIt's nice that your view of your father has evolved. He was a handsome man and so are you.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Janie
I don't think that fathers are as adept at being fathers as mothers are of being mothers.
ReplyDeleteMy father was very strict and difficult to like when I was young. I realised when older that his shift work and some aspects of his job were very stressful. I also realised how very much I loved him.
ReplyDeleteI certainly agree with Happy Hooker's comment that it is usually too late when we learn the truth about our families. My mum was brought up strictly by her grandparents as her father had left and her mother was deemed 'insane' and spend most of her life in an institution. I remember when I was eighteen in 1981 and my mother got a call to say her mother had died. I didn't even know she existed!! My mother never talked about her and never visited her. I never asked too many questions as I didn't want to upset her. I still can't ask her why she never visited her to this day. As far as my father is concerned he has always been a wonderful, supportive dad and always pointed me in the right direction, even if I couldn't see it as a teenager. He is old with failing health now and it is my turn to look after him. Do you believe things happen for a reason? I was made redundant last October and that changed my life and took a long time to accept, but now I have time to help my parents.
ReplyDeleteI wish our parents had talked to us more about their early lives. My dad knew so much about the family, but never passed those stories onto us.
ReplyDeleteDespite the threats of 'just wait 'till your father gets home', he never laid a finger on me. I would be a different person now if he had.
ReplyDeleteMy mother dealt out corporal punishment and often. My father didn't intervene. I never ruled it out as a parent though never to the extent my mother used it.
ReplyDelete