Rachel Phillips said this in her blog of today
“ All you people who wake up in the morning and write about "we this" and "we that", spare a thought for those who it is "I this" and "I that" when they wake up and for the rest of the day“
I heard and understood her loneliness so well this morning. The loneliness of lockdown and the loneliness of living on your own is sometimes a difficult one to deal with and although I think I can speak for Rachel too when I say we are not banging on about all things singleton it’s nice to acknowledge that life is sometimes just a bit tougher when it’s only you at home when the doors are shut and the curtains are drawn.
Last night my friend Ruth popped around for a night in. We have been in each other’s bubbles since the start of lockdown and so it was her turn to organise dinner.
I was online completing my Hitchcock - The spy films lecture when she turned up laden down with food , and so, for a change she pottered around the kitchen preparing a delicious salad to have with Waitrose pizzas, wine and garlic bread as I worked away online.
Seeing someone else in the cottage, albeit in the background of my zoom box made me feel part of something a little bigger from what I have.......and to eat in companionable silence with someone after conversations of interest and light was a treat much more savoured that it ever used to be , because of its rarity .
We watched a film together and someone else but me cried “ oh no” when Dora left Josuè at the end I walked the dogs, whilst Ruth had a cigarette in the garden and this morning I made coffee and breakfast and loved the fact that two plates were on the table rather than just one.
I’m not banging on, I’m not saying poor me..I’m really not ...and nor is Rachel , or Libby, or Sue in Suffolk or Weaver or any of us singletons at home on this cold Friday in February ..but today I understood Rachel so well when she said what she did without self pity but with a certain sadness,
“spare a thought for those that have to say I rather than we”
I went to a pharmacy yesterday and got my 1st Moderna vax. I was out of the house. I was in a store. There were lots of people in the store. I was distressed - I'd not been away from my house since last March except for the post office. I was uncomfortable. I got the shot, waited the 15 minutes, then quickly went back to my lockdown life. I didn't realize how institutionalized I'd become. This will take some adjustment! So glad you and Ruth made a nice evening. Take care, John.
ReplyDeleteThis shows one side of the lockdown I’ve not experienced
DeleteI guess , with work continuing without much let up, some of my routine IS stimulated by the stressors and challenges of nursing
I'm glad you had a nice evening. Being alone in a house every day has to be lonely at times.
ReplyDeleteI'm single but live with my adult kids. That's frustrating in other ways
Can you explain further ?
DeleteKylie I did that..people assume you have company but it is lonely...
DeleteIt surely is a joy to have another person around. Today I have a builder "in" and the racket he is making isn't irritating in the slightest. I'll be sad to not be running back and forth with coffees once he is gone.
ReplyDeleteOooo Mavis-Lucky You!-I could do with a builder "in"-does he have all the necessary power tools by any chance?x
DeleteSee you later mave......
DeleteFlis - he has tools, but I have no idea if he has a massive cock.
DeleteI've washed mine for you John x
I shall presume then Mavis that hopefully he would have all the required equipment for every eventuality in his tool belt-and a Drain cock! being one of them x
DeleteThat's no way to refer to your bucket x
DeleteI am an individual. I do not split myself into multiple personalities because it's trendy. I do believe those who seek to turn themselves into a plurality should seek counseling.
ReplyDeleteI’m not quite sure what you are trying to say
DeleteAh... I understand exactly what he was trying, and succeeded (for me at least) to say.
DeleteI don’t get “ trendy”
DeleteIt is a phenomenon or approach that is increasingly
Deletetrending, i.e. increasingly common and popular?
Sigh
DeleteSitting down to eat is when I really don't like being alone....I can totally get how wonderful it was to have Ruth in your kitchen....roll on better times..xxxx
ReplyDeleteIt was nice glimpsing another human behind me on zoom
DeleteI guess the fantasy of everyone seeing another person in my world
We individually all have lives that are not apparent to others and I can honestly say I do not have the ideal life and am unable to refer truthfully to "We"but I have adjusted to it and try to stop myself from. thinking "I wish that was me" when I see middle aged couples walking hand in hand together.Now I say to myself"How lovely"and enjoy my dogs and what I do have(It does smart sometimes though)x
ReplyDeleteSmart is a good descriptive word , I get it
DeleteFlis, i understand you well.
ReplyDeleteJohn i find being alone more when someone from my bubble has been and then are Gone and the same with zoom
For 18 years I was used to having someone with me.....I miss that
DeleteI know John. I was 55yrs married
DeleteI asked my aunt who had been a widow for many years how she managed, and she said its the end of the day I hate. She said I can go for a walk, or work in the garden, and I'm okay, but when I have no one to talk to in the evening about the day that is hard - havnng no one to come home to -she said -is hard,
ReplyDeleteI “ get” this totally
DeleteTotally agree. I’ve never really had that other person. I find weekends especially hard....usually Saturday’s to me are family and couple time......something I do not fit into.
DeleteSo true. I am very used to being on my own (even before the pandemic) but some days it just hits me, the aloneness of it all. Takes my breath away, honestly, if only for a moment every once in awhile. I thank the gods for my pets; they have kept me sane.
ReplyDeleteThe comment “ takes my breath away” I get too
DeleteI get it x
I thank you for this post. I'm gay, single and 63. What a combination.
ReplyDeleteLol
DeleteWhat a FABULOUS combination xxx
Sometimes I have selfishly wondered whether I would be happier living alone but your post has made me contemplate the reality of true aloneness, particularly in these days of isolation and enforced separation from friends and family. Sending a virtual hug x
ReplyDeleteI am used to being alone , before my relationships I lived alone for ten years. But I was never lonely then because I had my urban family.
DeleteNow that I’m older the pandemic has cut the ties that alleviate the loneliness
Only just seen this John. You hit the nail on the head. A WhatsApp chat is the then best thing, a bit of noise in the house and a laugh thrown in. Thanks xx
ReplyDeleteYes, it was a chuckle as always x
DeleteHi John, after 11 years a widow I get where both you and Rachel are coming from. This pandemic has just made singletons feel so very isolated. I have no immediate family , but , I have friends. None that are local but they all without exception keep in touch and I have valued that so much more these last months.
ReplyDeleteThere are times when being single is just not nice.
Jane.x
And acknowledging that fact is important
DeleteI commiserate with you, John, and with Rachel. I understand and respect your feelings. But I myself never feel more alone than when I am with another individual. I am grateful beyond belief to have my life uncomplicated by another person's drama, my space all to myself.
ReplyDeleteOf course that’s important , I get this too....
DeleteIf I had to spend COVID isolated with my ex-husband, I really would have lost my mind! Thank goodness I am single!
ReplyDeleteYou and me both Ellen. Maybe I'm weird but I really don't mind being alone at all!
DeleteHorses for courses I guess
DeleteI'd have been in prison for murder
DeleteI hate the thought of ever being single again. I am an easy soloist, but you touch on the challenges, of someone to talk with, someone to cook with or for, someone to open the door to and close it from. My grandmother only went on one date after my grandfather died, and she missed having someone around. My cousin Bill's widow started dating within weeks, and was embarrassed, but Bill would not have wanted her to suffer.
ReplyDeleteI’ve never been a man who has “ needed” a partner. They just happened and that was lovely
DeleteI don’t need one now, but I miss one
'I don't need one now, but I miss one' That's the issue, right there.
DeleteI understand only too well what both Rachel and you are saying John. Increasingly this cold winter I have felt around tea time that I am not alone and that at any minute the farmer will come through the door for his tea. A strange feeling and one I expect will go with the very cold weather but I do agree with what you both say.
ReplyDelete6pm in this house. 6 pm xx
DeleteI think of that all the time. And feel like one of the fortunate to have a "we" to speak of.
ReplyDeleteAnd that’s lovelyxxx
DeleteThere are two of us here. I get up extra early to ensure myself the luxury of an hour's solitude. Weird, isn't it? When it's voluntary, it's a luxury. When we're alone and have no choice about it, though, it quickly turns into loneliness, which is #!*#$@ awful.
ReplyDeleteI think that's it. There are those of us who have been very unhappy (and lonely) in a relationship, but then there are those whose aloneness has not been of their choosing. Also, Covid has cut off access to friends and family, something that most people have relied upon regardless of relationship status.
DeleteYes, the family you choose is an important factor here
DeleteYou can feel alone even when you don't live alone.
ReplyDeleteSo cool! Totally worth doing.
ReplyDeleteI've been following your example of having socially-distant dinner dates and went with one of my friends to have takeout hamburgers. We sat in our cars and ki-kied and laughed and had our hamburgers. And then each drove home.
It was fun.
XOXO
Like chic Eleanor and I with our coffees
DeleteI do get this.
ReplyDeleteThank u
DeleteThank you Debbie
DeleteSorry, meant Debby
DeleteI guess I've been on my own for so long, it just doesn't bother me anymore! And, too, I live in a Senior Residence with about 120 other residents ... most are single folks, a few are married couples! So ... even when I am alone ... I'm really not!
ReplyDeleteI like it the way it is ... Happy Valentine's Day on Sunday!
Loneliness and being alone, two entirely different things
ReplyDeleteIndeed so different , so different
Delete"it’s nice to acknowledge that life is sometimes just a bit tougher when it’s only you at home"... although judging from comments of some that I have spoken to it is clearly a whole lot easier. While many may not wish to be home alone another many do crave it.
ReplyDeleteI can only discuss it from my own perspective
DeleteI remember a quote from 'Frasier': 'She kept a dog just to have another heartbeat around the house.'
ReplyDeleteAnd footsteps on the stairs
DeleteWhat poignant and fascinating reflections on the state of being alone. Just after my husband died there was a discussion about the pressures of being alone after a lifetime of togetherness, and a gentleman interviewed explained it was relatively to organise outings and meetings and coffees, but what he missed most was the quiet pleasure of "having someone to do nothing with." I have never forgotten how apt and perceptive that phrase is, and says it all.
ReplyDeleteYou have explained the simple phenomenon that I could not
Delete“ having someone to do nothing with”
After my Dad died, Mom said she felt so alone when she had to drive herself anywhere she wanted to go.
ReplyDeleteDH and I have been "we" for nearly 50 years and married for almost 48 of those years. We don't spend every day in each others' pockets though. I do understand we take that for granted and it could change in a heartbeat.
I'm so glad Ruth is in your bubble!
Hugs!
I disagree with Dave R in so much you can term yourself a “ we” and “ I “ at the same time
DeleteSo true :)
DeleteHugs!
Yes, it gives me a little stab of pain every time I say 'we' or 'our' and then remember it's just me, now. Still, I was very lucky, we had 25 great years.
ReplyDeleteI understand this
DeleteI was single until I was 43. I was very settled in my single ways, and honestly I didn't mind it much, although I was also keeping my "radar" on to find a partner. Now I actually miss having more time to myself, especially during lockdown when we're together in the house ALL THE TIME. I get what you and Rachel are saying, believe me -- but there's also a "grass is always greener" aspect to both singlehood and marriage. I suspect that it's the lockdown that's really the problem for so many people. Humans are inherently social animals, and if we could have more social activities and friends around that would alleviate some of these "relationship blues."
ReplyDeleteYou forget I ve experienced both states, does one outweigh the other ?
DeleteAbsolutely
Both have their advantages and pluses and negatives but on balance I know know which one I would choose
Loneliness can be a killer. Literally. And sadly, being a member of a couple doesn't automatically banish that feeling.
ReplyDeleteThat’s been discussed here a few times
DeleteI do understand.
ReplyDeleteThank u
DeleteH'mm, well I think some of us are happy with our own company and have deep, rich inner lives, whilst others desire/need others - maybe all of the time, and others yes, but at arms length. Or occasionally a need for someone they share an interest in, or 'a friend with benefits'...then again others can be lonely inside a relationship. Ie it depends where we are in life, our personal circumstances and personal psychology. I agree, there's nothing like a good face-to-face and lockdown is demonstrating. Communication's have gone online. Social media can be a curse - but it also brings people together. Like John's blog...
ReplyDeleteWell put P ...we are all different and in each moment of our lives we need different things at those different times
DeleteThank you for coming here people xx
Coming here makes us one of a community, a precious thing in these weird times. You are the reason we are here; thanks, John x
DeleteSometimes I wear my periodic loneliness like an invisible cloak - only I can see it.
ReplyDeleteUnderstood x
DeleteI have been thinking about this and I am torn on this topic. I like having someone else around but I can also say it shifts the way I go about things. I am don't think there is one right answer. For those of us who would rather be with some it can be hard. It is good to be able to be alone. Some days I do not mind. Especially after a bad experience with someone else :).
ReplyDeleteFor those in a sad relationship , alone time is everything
DeleteThink of it visa versa
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteI am not alone but I can, or at least try, to imagine what it would be like for those that are alone. For me it would be the worst at the end of the day. As I told Rachel, I do care.
ReplyDeleteYou caring helps x
DeleteIn my own case it is the royal ‘we’. I jest. When I saw ‘we’ I am not splitting into the trendy multiple personalities Dave R talked about upthread (not that I couldn’t if I tried, you understand), I am saying it in acknowledgement that another person shares my life. I try to be careful to say ‘our house’ and not ‘my house’, ‘our children’ instead of ‘my children’, and so forth. I can understand how this might grate upon the solitary like Rachel or yourself, and I shall try to be more sensitive about such things in the future.
ReplyDeleteThank u
DeleteThank you Bob.
Delete“saw” = say
ReplyDeleteSometimes it hurts a bit when I read about what other women are doing with their husbands--not that I want mine back.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Janie
My wife loves to travel (especially to Oz to see daughter and grandsons), and can be away for months. I've always enjoyed this time alone, but of course I've always known that she's coming back again!
ReplyDeleteLiving with my X the last years were terrifying so when I was on my own in another state and free of him I enjoyed being just me. Living with my gud dugs. I was happy. Then I became ill but the last 4 years have been awful and I needed help. Now with the lockdown, I am use to being alone but even I miss going out and about even the small amount I was able to do.
ReplyDeleteSon lives with me now because I need the help but it is different.
I hope You and Rachel are able to find ways to live with this covid mess and find ourselves not so lonely at the end of the day. Especially in the winter.
I think single people have sadly been ignored during these dismal times. I too am fed up with those "we" and "us" people who spare little thought for anybody on their own under the age of 70! Thank goodness for dogs, the countryside and good food all of which can be enjoyed on your own.
ReplyDeleteThank you for writing about this. I'm one of the Is, but I do have 2 cats who are good company. xx
ReplyDeleteAs I just commented on Rachel's, it is an epic endurance test which will seem much easier to handle when the weather improves and we are not freezing our arses off. My phone is so old it won't take WhatsApp.
ReplyDeleteVery true that living with someone makes the lockdown a lot easier to cope with. I can't imagine how I would have felt if the lockdowns had been in the seventies, when I was living on my own in a spartan bedsit.
ReplyDeleteI hope this doesn't sound awful but I have a husband at home 24/7 and an adult son with health problems that is here during lockdown , some days I yearn for time by myself ,just for a couple of hours, my 86 year old Mum is on her own but we speak everyday and she walks everyday and chats to people from the end of their garden paths and thankfully she is doing very well. I feel so sad for those on their own and not coping, it must be dreadful, but sometimes those overwhelmed with too much company can't cope too, a few times a week I am sat on the stool in the shower room having a little weep, I am sorry to sound so selfish , I love my son dearly but he can be difficult to deal with sometimes, I need a "woman shed " . Would anyone like to borrow my husband, one previous owner, easy to feed,can walk the dog and always pulls the flush :)
ReplyDeleteChrissie I get what you say and sympathise so much
DeleteLockdown , like Christmas so often does, brings the cracks and negatives into view.
But remember you can walk away from things for a while ...you singletons are left alone 24/7
Xxx
Sadly ,I can't walk away ,my son wears an epicare bracelet and my husband has really bad hearing and his concentration is shot to pieces, if I am not within 5 minutes of home and his alarm goes off, I could waste precious minutes.He often goes into status when he has his seizures, we have emergency meds to give him and it's usually an ambulance required.After lockdown he will go back to his flat which is in an assisted living complex and staff are there 24 hrs, so then I can relax a little.He had brain surgery 18 months ago to try and stop the seizures but it didn't work so next month he is having a vagus nerve stimulator fitted, hopefully that will help but he will never be seizure free. He is sweetie and has been through so much and yes, soon I will be able to go for walks and feel safe to do so, I am looking forward to it.Thank you for replaying, it's easier to speak of my feelings on her,as nobody knows me, you are very kind, Chrissie x
DeleteYou put over a different perspective and a valid one deArheart xxx
DeleteAs I said to Pierre, my fine feline friend, the other day, 'What would I have done without you this past year?'
ReplyDeleteMe too....my dogs have dragged me through the last three years
DeleteWe should always "spare a thought" for those with different experiences than our own, and should never assume people have what we have. While I appreciate the sentiment, it is hard to avoid ever discussing things others may not have. As bloggers, we share our lives, adventures, purchases and, yes, our relationships, be they friends, family, pets, or otherwise. I always worry that my posts may seem "braggy" when I talk about my relationships, my ability to work from home, my ability to retire some day, or any trips we go on or purchases we make - well aware that I am far more fortunate than many. And I know there are people who have it worse than I do in many ways. But I also read about people who have loving and close family relationships I don't, have experiences I don't and never will, have gone to places I will never see, love or like their jobs when I hate mine, prepare, buy, or eat foods I can't, make plans with no concern their health will fail, like mine often does with chronic disease. I don't resent them for discussing a life or experience I will never know, and don't expect them to edit their writing to always account for my personal situations. So yes, we should be thoughtful to not assume others have what we have, but we also shouldn't expect others to refrain from sharing about something they have that we may not. Thanks for a thoughtful post. It's through sharing our different experiences and perspectives that we all learn, grow, and come to understand one another a little better.
ReplyDeleteNicely written x
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