I’m with the cows lick and no blazer
I was perhaps sixteen years old.
Prestatyn High School circa 1978
I don’t recognise that gauche young boy.
This is because my school years were some of my most unhappy ones I ever experienced
Perhaps you can tell that from the half non smile on my face.
Earlier this week I put a few ghosts to bed.
I accepted that many of my happiest memories were when I was partnered and married .
The anger masking these ....left behind , just a little
You fully deserve something - or someone - turning up to make you as happy as, or even happier than, you've ever been, JayGee. When it happens we'll rejoice with you - and that unhappy schoolboy will have turned into someone else.
ReplyDeleteIt’s been an odd week Raymondo . Busy night shifts are useful ,it’s just a blog entry xx
DeleteThere will be a special someone out there for you. Someone to brighten your everyday. xx
ReplyDeleteI have lots of special people in my life, I’m lucky x
DeleteI have one in which I'm scowling. The person behind me kept kicking me in the back.
ReplyDeleteI read a book by Andy Warhol once in which he said he'd come to consider it axiomatic that one only gets what one wants when one stops wanting it. (in his case he was talking about his loneliness when he first came to New York versus his later, crowded celebrity). Looking back over my own life, I'd say it might be cold comfort but he's right.
I had to look up axiomatic , what a great word ......
DeleteCovid isolation is taking a bit of toll that’s all x
You at least have a half smile. So many lads didn't have a smile at all.
ReplyDeleteYes, indeed 1978 wasn’t a great year for democracy in my school
DeleteHave no wise words.....plenty of thoughts that you can probably make a guess at....better times for both of us to come eh?..much love x
ReplyDeletep.s. I lost my virginity in Wales...and I live in the midlands in England.....don't know why I'm sharing that but it just popped into my head!!sorry X
I lost my virginity ( to a man and a woman ) in wales lol
DeleteFunny to think that school days that happened so long ago are still important to all of us. But they were a long time ago and better times came and went and came and went and now the next lot of good times have arrived. It may not always feel so but it is.
ReplyDeleteFunny I was reminded how funny I was at school only a few months ago... I don’t remember that
DeletePeople are still appreciating your humour
DeleteMany high school friends I reconnected with over the last 15 years (via Facebook) have commented on always remembering my smile, which surprised me. I looked back at all the old photos and there it was. I looked so happy and I most definitely was not. I hope you make many new happy memories in your life.
ReplyDeleteYes , I have had a similar feedback...how odd
DeleteYou know the old cliche one door closes and another opens. That door will open when we least expect it and you will find happiness again.
ReplyDeleteI think you are right.... now my door is opening for sleepxxx
DeleteActually, very few of you look happy...sign of the school?
ReplyDeleteSign of the times
DeleteYou still have the cows lick in your photograph with Eleanor on your side bar, but in this one you are smiling. Be patient. There will be someone waiting for you I'm sure of that. It seems to be only you who needs convincing.
ReplyDeleteThe photo is of Russell Crowe and Nicole Kidman! It's amazing how many people don't understand John's humour.
DeleteJohn, the death of someone (and dear Winnie was indeed a someone!) we love has a way of animating our memories, doesn't it? It's as if the wall has come down, if only for a short time, and we allow ourselves to feel things we've shut away. I don't wish for another someone, human or animal, to end your pain - I wish that you continue to walk through this, and feel all the feels. It's what makes us so uniquely human, and what makes you able to feel such compassion for others. A genuine gift. The best gift we can give you, is to sit with you, in it, and not try to fix you. Sending much love.
ReplyDeleteI hated school too. I was known as a funny boy as well. Being thought of as funny is a form of self-defence. It isn't easy to hit someone who makes you laugh.
ReplyDeleteSchool was not a good time for many of us, happiness and fun will come again, in time, often when we least expect it.
ReplyDeleteSchool was difficult for everyone. It's great that you put some ghosts to bed.
ReplyDeleteI wonder if you've considered having some counselling or some sort of therapy for your divorce grief? You're obviously a caring and sensitive person who helps others but have you considered help for your own needs? You say you've put some ghosts to rest but you've said this before, yet the pain is still there for you and is ongoing.
ReplyDeleteTalking to someone who is professional and impartial can be incredibly effective and healing, without judgement.
I'm suggesting this with compassion, the hurt and pain is still raw for you and I feel that you're finding it hard to move forwards emotionally. You've done so amazingly well up to now getting your life back on track, both with work and your home and perhaps now is the time to consider other help.
I wish you well.
I'm still hurting a little over a job I left nine years ago, which is considerably less important than a fresh divorce. Sometimes there isn't happy ever after, there's happy enough most of the time. And that's ok
DeleteI think it’s early days for me . And I was doing so much better before covid , an event which has compounded isolation .
DeleteMy psychi is so much more balanced than it was ......after all the divorce was only in jan
Unhappy school years - you and me both. My father chose a school that was completely unsuited to my temperament and interests. I hated it.
ReplyDeleteBetter days will come. I have no doubt. Mr. Right will appear probably when you least expect it.
ReplyDeleteI'm really starting to believe that not many of us WERE happy in highschool. The people that claim to be are the ones who never grew past it. They are the ones that head right back to their same old cliques at the reunions, and stand there tittering together leaving us who were always on the outside of that looking in, well...on the outside of that looking in. I've only been to one reunion in my 45 years of being graduated and I watched this, and I thought that it was a little sad to be clinging to that hierarchy all the years later. What I also discovered was that us outsiders had some pretty amazing life experiences. But, I walked out of it with no desire to go to another.
ReplyDeleteWell, you were a lovely looking boy, John Gray, whether you knew it or not. How much do you think things would have been different for you if it had been more acceptable (or acceptable at all?) to be gay then?
ReplyDeleteAnd like other commenters here, I too believe that you will find happiness with another. You're just too good a man not to.
Well, I am a bit older than you but I have no vision that I will ever have a partner or even a date again. I cannot imagine it at all and think I will just find my own happy moments with family and friends when I can.
ReplyDeleteBetter a half-smile than the glower on the mug of the one next to you. As for memories... make some new ones to dwell on, dear. Life is still full of possibilities... even in times of Covid.
ReplyDeleteIn the photo from school, you look much happier than most of your classmates and teachers do. Your smiling eyes were already there.
ReplyDeleteHugs!
You're about my age, and I didn't like my adolescence either.
ReplyDeletePerhaps one day you will be able to push the unhappy thoughts backwards down a steep hill and then recall only the happy times and feel the glow x
ReplyDeleteYou are dealing with it all in your own way, the way you need. I think you can feel it is working.
ReplyDeleteA divorced colleague of mine insists she did not have a "failed marriage", as many tend to describe it, but that she had a happy and successful marriage that unfortunately did not last. It is a better way of looking at things, at least for her.
ReplyDeleteA positive twist
DeleteHi John - Thanks for stopping by my blog. I have been poking around yours. It is very neat.
ReplyDeleteLooking at old pictures s interesting. I also did not have a great time at that age.
Taken in the days of 'hair'. I see that a young Jeremy Corbyn was amongst your teachers!
ReplyDeleteI hated school too was so glad to leave.
ReplyDeleteA @ 10.04 I like your positive and helpful twist.
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