I have been mulling over something quite serious for some time now.
Covid and isolation, have re circled my more neurotic wagons so to speak and conversations with new friends who have gently raised an eyebrow have made me think about my divorce and my feelings of hurt and loss.
And anger.
I’m rather tired of still feeling angry.
It’s heavy and odious burden
So today I did something about it.
I spoke to my ex husband and to my former mother in law on the phone.
They were careful but ultimately kind.
The conversations were emotional in their own way but both ended quietly and with a positivity long such lost.
I was reminded of the quote below as I walked around Trelawnyd this afternoon. I was delivering Christmas Cards in the freezing rain.
The darkness and weather hiding tears of release .
“You have to forgive yourself sometimes. Accept your scars for what they are and forgive the old you and people who have hurt you. Maybe that is how you learn to breathe and walk again. Maybe that is how you heal from the past. Maybe that is how you move on.”
You lost an entire way of life. not just a spouse. I remember your joy in your wedding day, your happiness when you retired, the pleasure you took in being the caretaker of your animals in the Ukrainian Village, involvement in village life, like the flower show. Many things, small but important lost to covid and divorce. Your anger is well deserved and your determination to move on admirable. Be kind to yourself.
ReplyDeletelizzy
x
A bereavement is ghastly and tears your life apart, a divorce when it's not your choice must be even worse. It was not really so long ago. Lizzie is right, you are doing well, your anger is understandable; and if you have managed a civilised conversation with your husband and mother in law, you are doing very well indeed.
ReplyDeleteTime is a great healer, if we let it be. Good for you, John. Releasing anger and hurt is a gift to yourself, not them, and you deserve it.
ReplyDeleteThey can't have been easy calls, but so very empowering. I hope you feel lighter and stronger. You should.
ReplyDeleteI think we can all feel proud of you. Those calls must have been hard to initiate. So glad they turned out well.
ReplyDeleteWise words, John. But if you can say 'l had every right to be angry, and I was angry, but now I'm done', then you have come a long way through a painful and difficult journey. I hope having had those conversations brings you peace.
ReplyDeleteHugs x
ReplyDeleteHugs x
ReplyDeleteI imagine that those were difficult calls to make. Good on you. I hope you feel better for them.
ReplyDeleteThat must have felt very freeing John to let the troubling times go.I find it very difficult to release the resentment I feel about people who have been cruel to me.I know I should because I am allowing their actions to be re run in my mind and I'm upset again and again x
ReplyDeleteThat mother-in-law call must have been perilously diving into the unknown.
ReplyDeleteThe healing begins. xx
ReplyDeleteHugs...xx
ReplyDeleteIf the phone calls promoted closure that is good. I'm glad they were gracious on the phone. Moving on is always hard, as is any big change. You did good!
ReplyDeleteHolding onto to anger or grief just makes a person bitter.
ReplyDeleteI find the sort of moving-on you talk about particularly difficult. On a smaller scale (much smaller) I still have to stop myself from contacting the Australian bastard who sold me my last car about 2 years ago, to tell him I think he is a complete c***.
ReplyDeleteWow, that must have been difficult to dial. I'm glad those calls brought some sense of relief. I hope it remains, and overgrows the anger. ♥
ReplyDeleteVery brave
ReplyDeleteIsn't that the way they say it goes? Well, let's forget all that. And give me the number if you can find it, so I can call just to tell 'em I'm fine and to show I've overcome the blow, I've learned to take it well. I only wish my words could just convince myself, that it just wasn't real-- But that's not the way it feels.
ReplyDelete--Jim Croce, "Operator"
I blogged a couple of years ago, on the power of forgiveness and letting go, we do it not for the other person, but for ourselves. When the time is right for a person to forgive, it is a very powerful act.
ReplyDeleteIt's very difficult letting go of the anger and hurt, I know. It took me two years to get my divorce from 31 years of marriage and I just got to the point of being tired of the same scenes and words swirling around in my head. Letting go is not forgetting or forgiving but putting down the weight and moving on. "Enough" was my mantra that changed my mindset and focused me on the future not the past. Well done! You gave yourself a gift today.
ReplyDeleteOf all these comments this one resonated with me the most
DeleteThank you
I was so sick of the same phrases and thoughts in my covid isolated head
One of my favourite sayings is
ReplyDelete“The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget.”
Anger and unforgiveness can ruin our mental,physical and emotional health. Forgiving another person is not for their sake it is necessary for ourselves.Letting go will allow you to now experience true joy and freedom. Bravo, good man,well done!Sending you my love,- Mary
ReplyDeleteSometimes you just gotta do what you just gotta do and I can understand the emotional release you must have felt as you were delivering your cards. I have so much respect for people who have the strength to face such difficult issues and take responsibility for their part in it as well. I hope it will help free you as you continue to go forward. Ranee (MN) USA
ReplyDeleteYou’ve had such a difficult and emotionally saddening time, coming to terms with a divorce you didn’t want must have been heartbreaking. What you have done today must have been very hard to do, but all credit to you. I’m a believer of fate, and think , slowly but surely , things will improve for you, you are such a loveable guy, and life will be fun again . You see the good in people, and have a fine wit, one day, when you’re least expecting it , you’ll meet someone nice . For now, just be kind to yourself, and enjoy your lovely animals xx
ReplyDeleteSo proud of you.
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeleteLook, the trees
are turning
their own bodies
into pillars
of light,
are giving off the rich
fragrance of cinnamon
and fulfillment,
the long tapers
of cattails
are bursting and floating away over
the blue shoulders
of the ponds,
and every pond,
no matter what its
name is, is
nameless now.
Every year
everything
I have ever learned
in my lifetime
leads back to this: the fires
and the black river of loss
whose other side
is salvation,
whose meaning
none of us will ever know.
To live in this world
you must be able
to do three things:
to love what is mortal;
to hold it
against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it
go,
to let it go.
Mary Oliver
I love poetry, I particularly like Mary Oliver , when I read this posti thought of this poem x
Be patient with yourself. As you know, this is a process and takes time. Sometimes it seems like too much time but it will be what it will and I think you pushed forward by talking to your ex and his mother.
ReplyDeleteBeing angry a lot of the time
DeleteWhat a waste...working where I do underlines it..I’m tired
A wise decision to make the calls so you can finally release the anger and pain. Releasing those feelings will lighten you and enable you to truly go forward. I find it much easier to forgive others than to forgive myself. Hugs John. xxx
ReplyDeleteI was getting there last year and covid brought back isolation and self doubt and introspection
DeleteYes!
ReplyDeleteTotally approve of this decision. It's the right thing to do. After we wallow in loss and some despair it's time to basically get over it. The first step? Recognize we're angry. Second step? do without it.
XOXO
Well done you.
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Way to go dear John!
ReplyDeleteThings should get even better for you from now on.
I think I'm in that group of "forgive but don't forget" - that's not healthy I know but it's hard to change at this late date. Plus, I'm a Scorpio, enough said!
Forgiving those who have deeply hurt you is one of the hardest and yet most healing actions. You aren't saying that it was okay, you are just choosing to move forward. I speak from experience....divorce after 40 years.
ReplyDeleteWell done John x
ReplyDeleteThat was brave. Anger is not a healthy emotion but it can be a difficult thing to forgive and let go.
ReplyDeleteI hope it brought you some peace and healing.
ReplyDeleteSo happy you were able to do that. You have my continued admiration. I'll try to stop being angry, too!
ReplyDeleteit's great that you did that. maybe someday you can be friends?
ReplyDeleteMay your heart and your steps be lighter as you go forward, bolstered by the actions you took today. You're a good man, John.
ReplyDeleteHugs!
You have a brave heart, John.
ReplyDeleteBonnie in Minneapolis
John well done. Divorce is something people do not really know how to handle. Which makes the person going through it feel like a leper although they have done no wrong. There is no right or wrong way only your way Some peope stay friends and to some degree stay in each others lives. Others have no communication whatsoever. Divorce is always akin to bereavement and usually takes a good two years or so for equilibrium to be regained. It never quite goes away but becomes more liveable. There are many different types of love as well to complicate the mix. I am pleased that you are choosing to regain and stand in your own power again John rather than being led. Getting rid of the monkey off your back liberates you and gives a certain sense of freedom. Seen and worn the sweatshirt myself. So glad u r starting to love yourself a little bit again.Clean slate now my friend. Shoot for the stars and live your dreams. You are ready x
ReplyDeleteYears ago I read this about forgiveness: most people are doing the best they know how. Most people don't wake up in the morning wondering how they can hurt others. They may not have the emotional maturity, the wisdom, the good example while growing up, or the life experience to do better. That doesn't mean we forget the hurt, but it can allow us to understand why it happened, and move on.
ReplyDeleteI hope this might help you, or someone else reading. It was really helpful to me as someone who had a hard time forgiving when I was younger.
That was a very brave thing to do, John. You released yourself from the burden of anger and put a period on the past.
ReplyDeleteA very brave thing to do, and well done on doing it in such a gentlemanly way. I have a lot of anger to let go of, but mine is still swirling, I have to take a leaf from your book and be braver and more grown up about it
ReplyDeleteReading this made me teary. I have found it is necessary to let go of the past. I hope your actions bring you peace.
ReplyDeleteI am glad you made the calls. You always spoke lovingly of your mother in law. I think this is a step towards forgiveness which will definitely be helpful for you to keep moving forward. Best wishes.
ReplyDeleteI think your very brave John, it's hard to put the past behind you but if it means putting the future ahead of you I guess it's a good thing. Your a better person than I am as I still feel angry.
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you as I have just read the sad news John it's all to much to bear, hugs and best
wishes Margo.
It's very difficult to forgive those who have purposefully harmed us. We've had one who's been extremely nasty over the past few years; we treat the dear soul as 'invisible'. We've never bothered to retaliate.
ReplyDeleteA deserved pat on the back to you for having made a serious attempt at moving on.
ReplyDeleteIt's something I find immensely hard to do, there being such a blur between forgiving and forgetting that I just cannot do one and not the other, leaving me holding on to both not forgiving ands certainly not ever forgetting, always aware that it's me who's the only loser.
That was so brave of you. I hope it has a lasting effect and you can remember all the good parts of your marriage without sadness xx
ReplyDeleteGood for you, and them.
ReplyDeleteAnger can be grief.
When I got divorced, a friend whose husband had recently died said that divorce was like a bereavement in its effects, and not to be hard on myself.
She was and is correct; and like she also said it takes time
Ten years gone I continue to mourn the loss of my marriage.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Janie
Strange, isn't it? I'm happily remarried and have been very lucky over the last couple of decades. Things have worked out well in many ways. I have, though, discovered that however angry I might have felt (the mind can go round in ever decreasing, ever angrier circles, can't it?), there is no reason not to have a civilised, even friendly relationship with my ex. It's reasonable, in retrospect, and makes for peace of mind. Win win.
ReplyDeleteI’m learning this
DeleteIt takes quite a few conscious efforts in my experience but it worked for me in the end!
DeleteI've been bereaved twice and mourned both husbands deeply, but the sudden ending to a 5 year relationship with a beloved man absolutely broke me. The difference between bereavement and divorce is that one partner had no intention of leaving, while the other rejected you. Rejection hurts deeply and hurts forever.
ReplyDeleteYes it does hurt but I can’t keep hurting ...I can’t allow it to hurt
DeleteI can't imagine what you are going through. And I hope I never will.
ReplyDeleteWhat an amazing quote. I hope you continue to heal.
From what I read through your posts, you are someone I would be friends with, if we ever have the pleasure to meet in person.
Continue to heal. Continue to breathe.