I was in Tesco’s in Llandudno junction the other night
I was buying cakes for the day staff.
I recognised the man as soon as our eyes met but couldn’t quite place him until after he had unexpectedly hugged me.
He was the husband of a patient I nursed several months ago now, well before lockdown.
The last time I had seen him, we had hugged
We exchanged platitudes, in greetings, in how he was, about Covid.
Then he said, after I had repeated How are you coping?
“ Grief has turned me into a bad person.”
I inclined my head why and he explained, The words tumbling out of his mouth in a waterfall
“ I hate it when I now see intimate little moments between couples” he said “ when they share a private joke, or they hold hands or they Play argue by the checkout “ he waved his hand behind him at the tills........“is that normal ?...
.............I resent people so much”
”It’s normal “ I told him suddenly recognising his “pang” of painful feelings from my own perspective of divorce grief .and I gave him my best brave smile and squeezed his forearm with my hand
He nodded sadly and we stood for a moment, connected
I noticed he had a block of parmigiano reggiano in his basket
Not just me then...good to know x
ReplyDeleteYes good to know x
DeleteDitto, Libs.x
ReplyDeleteSame group eh? Xx
DeleteGrief settles in in so many ways. Best to ride along with it but keeping an eye on it. As that man seems to be doing.
ReplyDeleteIt is normal and hurts so much.
ReplyDeleteWhen Katie was first diagnosed, she was still a baby and I remember in our support group, one couple's baby died and I was jealous of them. They didn't have to deal with their child's disability anymore. Grief doesn't bring out the best in us but it is real and we learn and we move on, although it never goes away.
My mum died almost eight years ago now and just the other day I wished I could still talk to her and then I started crying.
It creeps up unexpectedly doesn’t it x
DeleteSuch a sad post, at least he had you to understand and comfort him. You're a good guy John x
ReplyDeleteOh, bless him. Just recognising he feels like that shows he is really a nice person. Grief makes itself known in so many different ways.
ReplyDeleteYes,it is normal,during the period of time we are still grieving a loss. My husband passed away 12 years ago,and I have not remarried. Now I am just grateful to have had a loving companion for the years that I did. Too many people are never truly happy in any relationship. I hope you treasure having "had it be all you believed wanted" , and find something even better sometime. - Mary
ReplyDeleteYes you are right x
DeleteHi John have watched your blog for a short while but never commented before. Today’s post really resonates with me. We lost my youngest sons Partner in a Hospice, September last year three days before her 39th birthday. Today I got “caught out” while looking at a display of Christmas gifts while out shopping couldn’t stop thinking of how they were all the kind of things she would have loved, the pain is still so raw, the lump in my throat so huge. I know you are a listener John so will understand Xx.
ReplyDeleteWelcome and I do understand, like so many here that visit x
DeleteSo true. Thank you for sharing that - I suspect it will strike a chord with many of your readers.
ReplyDeleteSuch a powerful exchange and so glad he could tell you. I've experienced that in the past and have hated myself for it. Now I know how normal a response it is to loss. I hope talking with you helped. (And I hope it helped you, as well.)
ReplyDeleteAt one time, resentment spewed from every fiber of my being when I had to interact with my happily married friends. For awhile I just had to detach and grieve.
ReplyDeleteYou can feel the pain in that comment. X thank you for sharing it x
DeleteI was orphaned before my teens, there's a similar effect.
ReplyDelete(John, did you see my comment about Weave on the last post?)
Thank thank you x
DeleteMy hubby died almost 4 years ago and I can relate, I still feel jealous pangs sometimes when I see cute couples together, especially senior couples like we were. The man you talked to has such fresh grief.
ReplyDeleteI feel guilty too as my grief was only divorce and not death
DeleteYes, all those many sharp little knives in the heart, I think we all know them, alas.
ReplyDeleteNot a bad person, but a difficult period. Hopefully time will heal his wounds.
ReplyDeleteNot a bad person, just normal. It gets me when I see people arguing about inconsequential things...If your partner (or you) was not going to be here tomorrow, would it be worth it?
ReplyDeleteI remember several years ago on holiday having a evening out at a disco dancing around having fun and sitting down for a few minutes to have a drink and then seeing a woman my age and her mum dancing which jolted me and I began to cry as I knew that could never be me and my mum again.Another time seeing a couple at the veterinary hospital collecting their dog and my darling didn't recover x
ReplyDeleteDid you tell him?
ReplyDeleteLX
So honest and heart breaking x
ReplyDeleteRe-reading this blog post reminded me of the time, when Simon was dying. In order for him to die at home I nursed him with the help of a team of nurses who came in during the day. The Macmillan nurses were superb, one staying overnight to enable me to sleep in our bed upstairs, offered to do some ironing for me. ‘Best not tell anyone as we shouldn’t do this, officially!’ I couldn’t sleep, is it any wonder? I took myself off to the supermarket early: seeing folk laughing and having fun, I looked with a heart breaking and thought can’t they see my world is in tatters, the pain making an evil witch out of me. I can totally relate to what he said. I thought this is what I have become and not only did I hate themI hated myself even more for feeling that way.
ReplyDeleteLX
Honestly written
DeleteThank you for sharing this x
the stages of grief, painful yet normal.
ReplyDeleteGrief comes to us all in various ways and times in our lives and it just has to be live through. No way of going around, over, or under no matter if we're bereft from the loss of a family member or pet.
ReplyDeleteYou were wise to let your patient's widower know he was not a bad person, but was enduring normal grieving. He needed to hear that. It's a kind and important lesson for us all.
You're a good man, John Gray.
Hugs!
I needed to be reminded of the same thing babs
DeleteThis may be a horrible thing to do but as my husband and I age, I pre-grieve sometimes. We'll do something or say something to each other and my heart squeezes wondering how on earth I'll possibly carry on if he goes first? I hope it's me that goes first. I'm not strong enough to bear missing him.
ReplyDeleteI think this is normal too as children we often do it about grandparents don’t we as we rationalise death in our heads
DeleteWhat a good person you are John. I know he felt a little lighter after you hugged. He knows others care.
ReplyDeleteCarla
I was the one who wanted the divorce in my case so I was so glad went it all was final. But I do sometimes feel sad about being alone - I can't imagine ever being part of a couple again and so will spend what is left of my life making my own way. Now that was my choice, I tell myself, but it is lonely sometimes (for better or worse).
ReplyDeleteI'm in the exact same position Ellen. I wouldn't change it but sometimes it can get lonely can't it!
DeleteYes I guess you have to accept what the ramifications will be if you asked for the divorce
DeleteWhat about social distancing? It's vital to keep our guards up - no matter what situation we find ourselves in.
ReplyDeleteJust occasionally, human kindness is more important than social distancing; don't you think this was one of those times?
DeleteI forgot , we both did
DeleteI didn’t mind
Not a bad person at all. A very, very normal person feeling things which are very familiar to many of us.
ReplyDeleteI do hope he took comfort from your brief interaction.
I hope so too
DeleteI did
Not a bad person, but raw sadness tears us into strange shaped pieces. And “time” only partially heals, there are disfiguring scars, and life is NEVER the same. Sometimes the jolt of sadness is a splash wave I can swim through, but sometimes I cry, sometimes I swear... and then I pick myself up and go on... because that is the way it is.
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautifully constructed phrase “ but raw sadness tears us into strange shaped pieces“
Deletethe morning after i lost my dad in 2004 was a bright sunny day and i remember being really angry that the sun had risen as normal when i was grief stricken xx
ReplyDeleteYes anger at the most odd things is so normal too... the fact other people are going to work, the fact others are happy x
DeleteMy brother died in January last year (we were trying to get him into St. David's if you remember) and his wife had died 3 years to the day previously. One time he told me exactly what your gentleman told you - that he sometimes hated people when he saw them holding hands and having a bit of a banter because he could no longer do it. And I remember it was also in Tescos in Llandudno Junction!
ReplyDeleteI remember well....the parallels are surprising x
Deletethe second wave is starting and in a pandemic it is usually the 2nd wave that kills the majority of people. You baby boomers are all going to die of corona-virus and finally the world will be able to make progress when you boomers are all dead
ReplyDeleteThe tiniest of moments... how very kind of you.
ReplyDeleteNot kind x just human
DeleteSounds very-very normal, he should feel what he feels, for most it leads to healing.
ReplyDeleteI hope so
DeleteI expect you have had a message - I saw that Weaver had broken her hip on Rachel's blog. Being in my 70's its one of my big worries in winter. I'm sure she is getting a lot of good help.
ReplyDeleteYes thank you jean ..Rachel messaged me with the news .
DeleteI hope the old girl is getting through ok
All very normal, yet still sad and painful. Time lessens the feelings of loss. Less raw. We all learn to compensate in our own way. Your chance meeting and reassuring conversation was meaningful for you both.
ReplyDeleteI still get pained by seeing intimacy between two men, in film or on tv. It’s almost a physical pain, that I no longer have it and have lost it
DeleteWhat a comfort it must have been for him to hear those simple words: 'yes it is normal.' I am glad you were there.
ReplyDeleteI hope he listened it’s a lesion we all have to go through
DeleteYou did well, and you are right.
ReplyDeleteIt does hurt.
When my mountain Man died, nearly ten years ago now, I felt that...and what helped was some bear hugs from a couple of blokes that I didn't expect it from..they understood.
Parmesan is good for a wounded soul, a warm, nutty comfort food that can be used on nearly anything. The Italians learned this ages ago.
ReplyDeleteYes it's very normal. As I said when listening to friends talking a while ago-"I wish I had a husband to complain about. "
ReplyDeleteYes it's very normal. As I said when listening to friends talking a while ago-"I wish I had a husband to complain about. "
ReplyDeleteI am so proud of how you’ve turned your life full circle. Grief is one of our lowest moments and it strikes the heart at it’s deepest. It comes for all kinds of losses and never leaves. But it does evolve and you continue to give us hope. Thank you for the kindness you show which keeps love alive and for sharing which helps us all to cope.
ReplyDeleteThat brief encounter with you and your understanding of his feelings have probably helped him so much. I bet he went home, had a good cry and then relaxed for the first time in ages.
ReplyDeleteGrief sends us in strange directions and rears it's heart-breaking head in so many different ways ... usually very unexpectedly.
Parmesan. His glass remains a quarter full then.
ReplyDelete