I couldn't engage with anything yesterday.
The VE celebrations left me cold and unmoved and instead of chasing up friends which seems to be a daily occurance in these lockdown times,
I busied myself with mundane action move clips organised from Asian websites and the odd tiktok video of attractive but indulgent young men dancing to camera.
Things that underline the new lockdown norm.
I feel as though there is a change in the air !
Does anyone else feel this way?
My friend Nigel perhaps has underlined the restlessness I feel by explaining my last two years in his usual understated way
" You got through it rather all rather unscathed in my opinion......I'm proud of you"
Time to plan ahead and anew ...that was the subtext of his comment ......and he is right
All of last year I coped with a series of new stressors, a new job, new responsibilities, financial ups and downs and finally a fucking emotional backward step regression revisited by a degree Absolute I thought Would never come
Now I feel that lockdown has given me a chance to take stock and get straight.
Financially now I almost have my head if not above water at least into the shallow end of the pool and over the past few weeks I'm making a whole series of plans for myself , albeit lockdown confined plans, to move forward in this strange new world.
The travel book I bought a few months ago on the city of Venice lies open and read on the top of my book shelf as a constant reminder of future things new and hopeful.
I have my constants now
I have my dogs and my family and my friends and my job and my village position
The Cemetary laburnam has started to flower just this morning , like it does every year,
And this morning I photographed it yet again with a renewed sense of time and place that doesn't need to be stuck in the routine and the tried and tested.
The lockdown means that change isn't immediate
But like all change , it's the mindset that is the most important and when things are lifted and normality creeps back into our lives.
Instead of waiting for things to happen
I will be ready for them
You are at a point in your life where change is in the air which is all part of the journey you are on and a good place to be. I am pleased for you. I am on that journey too and am at last enjoying it, COVID or no COVID,
ReplyDeleteYes , I think now I see where I don't want to go and where I do ,
DeleteI think u may understand that better than most
I think it is easier to identify where you don't want to go than where you do want to go, except that it has to be forwards not backwards.
DeleteI for one have hated to see you buffeted in your sea of change. You are no longer alone.
ReplyDeleteLX
Covid , I think will provide a springboard for many to change tgings
DeleteIt's Springtime in your heart!
ReplyDeleteGood for you John! You have emerged the other side and you now have a whole new life to live! x
ReplyDeleteSo happy for you.
ReplyDeleteBonnie in Minneapolis
you are ready to go out and kick ass, squire!
ReplyDeleteBTW, QEII's WWII speech yesterday was excellent. and she was there to witness the celebration first hand!
our orange arsehole probably infected the WWII veterans he met yesterday with COVID-19.
I should revisit the speech
DeleteI did so love her handwritten covid speech
C'mon John. You hardly got through it all unscathed. Brave face you may mostly show but you are scarred. Nevertheless, you have a lot of people who care about you and you treasure them deeply.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteThey were not my words Andrew , they were Nigel's and his perception of me, a perception I kind of trust
DeleteI too disagree with them as you can't go through grief and sudden change without scars, but that's not the important thing here, it's about how the lockdown has helped me focus on change
I am very glad that scars and all you are able to look forward to (and plan) for the future.
DeleteI had to ignore VE day in the end John-don't think We'll Meet Again etc was good for me given my husband only died 6 months ago. I watched The Incredibles 2 with my kids instead.Glad things are becoming clearer for you. I'm a nurse and have decided to go back to work which I'm seeing as a positive step. Anna
ReplyDeleteYes Anna, going back to work has caused me many mixed blessings ..namely being taxed heavily on my pension and being totally knackered
DeleteBut the stimulation and company has been wonderful
It's been a tough time for you and for lots of us, but I think seeing how nature is still throwing the same things our way as she did a year ago and the year before, and the one before is a brilliant way to ground ourselves. The Laburnum is beautiful. I'm guessing the Laburnum Arch at Bodnant is blooming away with no-one but a few groundsman to admire it.
ReplyDeleteI feel I have been in limbo for the past couple of months, major changes that were to have been made have been put on hold and things have had to tick over quietly and steadily. But we will all come out of this steadier and wiser hopefully, and there will be no rush to find the next 'normal'.
Well written sue
DeleteI'm glad you ". Got" my constant reference x
I'm happy you have plans you're looking forward to (Venice?) when going out and travel is safe once more and allowed.
ReplyDeleteThe Laburnum is beautiful. In north Richmond there is a Laburnum Avenue and when I was a child it was lined with Laburnum trees.
Hugs!
The local national trust garden has a large 100 foot long arch full of laburnam blossom
DeleteIt's beautiful
Being in a couple of the ‘most vulnerable’ catagories I will most likely be sequestered for months to come. I understand the excitement of opening society, but I’ll not be participating.
ReplyDeleteThe bloated garbage bag who is president of my country probably doesn’t know there was a WWII. His ignorance is vast.
He's an embarrassment , I am sorry
DeleteGood on yer John. I think most of us are making tentative plans whilst waiting to see how things evolve. Keeping in touch is the main thing and of course remaining hopeful.
ReplyDeletePerhaps most of us now are making tentative new plans for our lives
DeletePerhaps the subject of my post is purely natural
Well it's pretty obvious that life will never be quite the same again for most of us. I think planning for how to get the best out of changed circumstances is normal and necessary to live good, enjoyable lives.
DeleteAre we ever really ready for change? I don't believe it's something that can be prepared for, however it's something we shouldn't fear.
ReplyDeleteThe absolute knocked you for six despite your mourning period since the guilty discarded you like a sin. My thoughts are that it makes sense because until the absolution there was always a chance for the nightmare to be ended. Chins up, tits out, and in the words of Mavis "NEXT".
Yes mave, I never quite had resolution on several things and never will.....
ReplyDeleteTime to move forward !
There was a laburnum tree in the front garden of my childhood home. My mother was constantly yelling, ‘Don’t touch the laburnum - it’s POISONOUS!!’
ReplyDeleteCovid-19 has provided me with serious thinking time about how my life is going to be lived henceforth. It is going to be simpler, calmer, more productive and reliant on the chaos brought by modern living. Lots of ‘stuff’ has gone. It has made me realise how simple and lovely living can be if we get our priorities right.
Sorry, that should be ‘less reliant on the chaos of modern life.’ Sheesh, sometimes I can’t stand modern life. I think I am really a 1950s Ma Larkin...🙄
DeleteI remember sitting under a beautiful Laburnum tree with bright yellow cascades-my mum said to me too Denise "don't touch Any of the seeds Or pods,they are poisonous"-then my aunt brought a tray of tea and pop and cakes for us-I was scared and mum seemed nervous as I think it was at my aunt's suggestion we sat there and mum was a terrible worrier x
DeleteA perfect time to take emotional inventory and plan your future. The following exercise helped me restart my life after widowhood in my thirties:
ReplyDeleteWhat do you want? Name it. Define it. Call it out.
What is stopping you? A belief or mindset. Fear. An
excuse.
What do you need to do to obtain it? Now you can work to
address the issue, but do so by starting small.
Annie V
I do love the Laburnum, but am intrigued by the tiny wild flowers blooming around it. I wonder if they are Claytonia. I enlarged the picture, but still couldn't tell. Thank you for that view of your spring. (From a house bound care giver.)
ReplyDeleteDandelion clocks babs
DeleteI think for me I shall be able to focus more on my day to day where as in the previous life I sort of drifted around x
ReplyDeleteLook like dandelion “clocks “ - seed heads
ReplyDeletenatural will continue to delight us and doesn’t care about our woes or joys.
Blessings
We've all had time to ponder. I'm glad you are looking forward instead of back. Cheers!
ReplyDeleteWell said John. And you can add all of us to your list of things to be sure of and pleased about. It is obvious from the way you are writing these days that you are slowly coming out the other side - stronger and ready for anything. The world is your oyster. x
ReplyDeleteA well thought out and uplifting post and I think most of the people above feel the same way, making plans for what comes next with good times to look forward to a bit more slow paced than before and lessons learned by enjoying more of the simple things in life.
ReplyDeleteSounds to me like you are now taking stock of where you are and the best way to move forward. Sometimes we end up just stuck; stuck with feelings, memories and a void of not knowing where to go next. This is when we notice things that seem to be the marker for good i.e. your Laburnum tree is case in point. For me I have two, my Fig tree and my Elderberry bush in my garden. No matter what is going on in my life I know they will be there next year prolific as ever and give me something to look forward to. I haven't worked for 7 weeks and although could have been super productive I have actually done nothing apart from general housework. I have used the time to take stock and work out a way to be instead of do. It is quite enlightening that this Covid 19 virus has forced us; well particularly us in NZ to go slow, queue at the supermarket and chemist, book phone or video appointments with our Dr's. Now perhaps going into level 2 next week with more open it will be much of the same. New ways to do the same old ways. I actually like the slower pace.
ReplyDeleteJo in Auckland
I have a large Hawthorn (May) tree in the garden that always flowers well. Like you I see it as a sign that things continue, and all is well with the world; although this year it has had a slightly different message. It's been telling me that it'll be flowering well after we're all gone. Of course it's right!
ReplyDeleteCertainly things are going to be very different once the lockdown has ended and the virus is safely contained. It'll be interesting to see what changes. Jenny and I were planning a trip to Vienna but that's now an anticipated pleasure for 2021!
ReplyDeleteI must say the VE celebrations left me cold as well, coming in the midst of the government's total incompetence in controlling the virus epidemic. Is this shambles what we fought a war for?
I'm sure it feels good to be more firm in your footing and looking ahead to the future. The lockdown has made planning murky for all of us, but we'll find a way.
ReplyDeleteOh, and I can relate to "attractive but indulgent young men dancing to camera" on TikTok. I just found out one of the cute guys I followed is a Jesus freak. Oops!
DeleteGood for you! I have been waxing and waning during the shut in. Someday's I am mentally ready other days I am physically ready. I need to learn to dance in the rain.
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ReplyDelete