Have you ever been unfaithful?
I guess I am in an ideal position to be able to ask this question because I have an anonymous feature in my comment box, so if you would like to share things with the group , feel free to unburden yourself without judgement.
I'm asking this because I have had the conversation with an acquaintance who admitted that they could have been unfaithful a couple of times within a long term relationship, but didn't .
I have never been unfaithful inside any of my relationships but I was tempted once as I recall, after being approached by a drunken hunk of bearded god who gave me the glad eye on a ward night at Sheffield's Ledmill.
For me, the frisson of excitement and flattery couple with the fact a red cheek was rubbed against by a lumberjack the size of Norwegian Christmas Tree was almost enough to get me giggling like a Schoolboy on heat....but I kept my head ( and my knicker elastic) firmly under control and went back home to my partner.
Being unfaithful is a complicated phenonomen
It's swathed in guilt, sometimes a rewriting of the truth,
Bargaining and denial.
It can be a springboard to a new begining or a death knell of a relationship
It can be something you just think and fantasise about
Or it's something you can do without guilt or remorse
What's your story?
Easy to answer. I've never been unfaithful because I've never had anyone to be unfaithful to. However, I do admire those who can remain strictly monogamous (inside or out of marriage) when there are so many temptations around, though equally I wouldn't like to be censorious towards those who cannot maintain the ideal for which they are striving. It's none of my business!
ReplyDeleteI've never quite " got" open relationships
DeleteWhy marry someone who wants occasionally to sleep with someone else
Quite.
DeleteNever. The same is not true of my partner.
ReplyDeleteAre you still together ?
DeleteYes. However trust was damaged, and still has some cracks in it.
DeleteNever, even after nearly 48 years with the same sweetie.
ReplyDeleteHugs!
yes; many times.
ReplyDeleteCan you tell me more
DeleteNo. Too much bother.
ReplyDeleteLol
DeleteMarried from a young age to my 'childhood sweetheart' who I came to realise was a serial adulterer and liar throughout our relationship and marriage I was technically unfaithful towards the end of our marriage but by then I'd checked out emotionally and was getting everything in order for my children an I for me to be able to leave the marriage. I met my current husband after my marriage had ended and I've never been unfaithful to him and I never would.
ReplyDeleteThe " checked out emotionally" thing
DeleteYou sum it up very well
This comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteNo, I couldn't do that to my husband and I couldn't live with the guilt.
ReplyDeleteMe neither
DeleteWe took our vows seriously, which promised, basically, through thick and thin, otherwise, why take them?
ReplyDeleteI think so many couples forget these vows and don't have the emotional intelligence to share their real feelings
DeleteCould never be unfaithful. Am still picking up the pieces 15 years later and will never trust again. I agree with previous poster those vows are serious for a reason. Wandax
ReplyDeleteI understand this statement x
Delete30 year marriage, last 10 I thought I was the loneliest person on the planet. Never occurred to me to cheat. He cannot say the same.
ReplyDeleteSad
DeleteNo, never ........ to start with, I wouldn’t want to but how complicated it must be .... the lies, the sneaking around but I guess some people get off on that. It can’t be much of a relationship if you need to cheat in my opinion. XXXX
ReplyDeleteAn interesting point of what infidelity can " give" someone....i.e. Excitement
DeleteNot me. But him, after 24 years of marriage. We're still together but it's been a tough couple of years.
ReplyDeleteI could never had cheated - the guilt would have done me in, as I am frightened it will do for him. He's finally seeking help.
I hope it works for you both x
DeleteNever cheated but was cheated on. I only found out after the 24 year marriage was ended by him. Then he confessed to 'get it off his chest' and left me in bits. He went on to marry the last person he cheated with
ReplyDeleteThat happened to me too but I met my current husband just over a year after my marriage ended and we are a happy couple. Of course life is never perfect but I trust him and he trusts me.
DeleteNever, never two timed a boyfriend either.
ReplyDeleteMore than could be said for my ex, my childrens' father...who has never been able to be honest about it, which is sad for him and us.
And my husband now...never been unfaithful , despite the actions of his ex.
Perhaps that is why fate has put us together.
Being flirted with can be a compliment..depends how it is done and taken..can give you a warm glow and you carry on with life as normal.
Another important point.....flirting is important and perhaps ideally should keep all parties on their toes
DeleteYes I agree when both people in the relationship are of stable mind but when one isn't it can send them into a temper.I was told we had to leave when anyone had been too friendly with me - male or female.Then again he thought it acceptable to snog a work colleague in the guise of "just a Christmas kiss"x fluf
DeleteI never cheated but my ex did. That got me testing for various STDs and him a divorce that he didn't actually want. I was tired of putting my salary into an account that got spent on his skank down at the ho bar, among other things, so I stopped that and opened my own account. He wasn't quite so "generous" with her after that happened. And while the cheater may think it's all tingly and exciting, my neighbour, who used to sit at the bottom of her stairs all night, smoking like a chimney and heavily pregnant waiting for her unfaithful husband to come home, would probably tell you that it's a coward and a liar's way out. You can "have the conversation" if you're not happy with your partner but the innocent partner has the right to have a clear view of what's going on too. Cheaters are cowards who like to have their cake and eat it.
ReplyDeleteWell written and a point well made. Another perspective explained
DeleteNever been tempted by a real person. There was a certain professor at Hogwarts but I really don't think that counts. :)
ReplyDeleteWhich one?
DeleteMy money's on Snape!
DeleteI've never been unfaithful but did work with someone who could easily have become a lover, there was a definite attraction and compatibility. I never took that step and am still friends with said person - he is now on his third marriage! I've been married for 40 years now and can't say I regret not going for the fleeting excitement of an affair.
ReplyDeleteA grown up approach 😊
DeleteI have.
ReplyDeleteI have also been the other man.
XOXO
How does those facts now make you feel in retrospect?
DeleteYou know what? At the time, those seemed the be the only alternatives. I was too much of a coward to leave the man I cheated on and way too comfortable to leave the one who cheated on with me. Loved them both though. And I think they loved me.
DeleteOnly good thing, I guess, is that I have never really broken up any relationship, even with those affairs. The affairs ended and I have good memories of those men. They kept on going with their lives and I with mine.
I really don't regret those relationships, though. We went into them with open eyes. We really never discussed our motivations to get into them. It was clear for us that they were not to last forever, though they were not short-lived (one lasted around four years, the other around seven...).
They say we should only regret what we have not done and i guess I would have to agree...
XOXO
Although our relationship began 38 years ago with the understanding that “we can if we want to” (not an understanding I wanted), I never have because I knew he wasn’t as comfortable with the idea of ME wanting to as he claimed. It just never seemed worth the trouble for me, although there were plenty of opportunities. We evolved into monogamy and I’m satisfied with that. For me, it’s just so much easier. But I especially hate the lie. If you’re going to do it, it needs to be understood and agreed to.
ReplyDeleteThank you. That was very honest.
DeleteI considered an open marriage for the shortest of moments
I had to say no
I would like to tell my story as myself but cheating never gets any sympathy and I'm fragile so I'll save myself the agitation.
ReplyDeleteYes, I've cheated. My husband was emotionally abusive and didnt speak to me for many months, eventually years. I had young children and no support and really no life of my own. The way I see it still, many years later, is he betrayed me first, not by cheating but in many other ways.
What I did was a mistake and I'm so sorry for the grief it caused my kids but I was trying to reclaim some sense of having value and something to call my own. It was an attempt to find a glimmer of happiness in a situation I didnt know how to change.
I wasnt being a coward, I weighed my options and I was sure I couldn't leave. I was trying to make the best of a bad situation and for the record, I still don't think leaving would have been a good idea.
I was in a similar situation. Don't be too hard on yourself. You did what you needed to survive, so did I. Trying to get some validation in life or have a hope of some happiness can be difficult in these situations. Emotional abuse can be harder to take sometimes, much more encompassing and demoralizing than other abuse. I eventually left and never regretted anything I did or leaving the rat bastard. Life is now happier, which it is supposed to be.
DeleteI think what has come out of today's post is the so many and varied perspectives to a simple question.
DeleteI think non of you should judge what and why
( easily said if it about others and more easily done unless you are in the centre of such an emotional rollercoaster )
Not once I entered into committed relationships, I was "the other man" a couple of times before then.
ReplyDeleteHow do you feel about that
DeleteOn reflection, really very bad. Yes they were unhappy in relationships, I should have encouraged them to find happiness at home, or move on before. If I could do things over, I would do them differently.
DeleteThere was a saying where I loved in Wales many years ago. "I am as pure a the driven slush"! always made me laugh. 💋💋💋
ReplyDeleteMae West was a star!
DeleteLol, that made me giggle!
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteThat should have read 'lives in Wales'. Ooooppps!
DeleteI had an affair more than 25 years ago. This was not just a one time tryst. It lasted more than 5 years. He was and still is the love of my life and a soul mate, even though I've not seen or spoken to him in at least 20 years. My husband of 40 years has no idea. No one does. No one will. I could go on about the reasons of why. I could also go on about the reasons of why I should not have. The hardest part in it all is forgiving yourself and living with the secret. Admitting it here, is not going to change any of that, even though I wish that I could.
ReplyDeleteBrave....another perspective eh?
DeleteFaithfulness was never discussed between us and I don't think we ever expected it and neither of us were. You may well disagree, but I think it is an unreasonable expectation for gay men or dare I say it, even straight men. Can't people separate animalistic sex from relationships?
ReplyDeleteI don't agree Andrew but I do agree that monogamy is HARDER
DeleteMen are sexually aroused visually and much quicker and see the act of sex removed from a relationship ..
I get that
But I just don't agree with it
I want my man to be monogamous
I've never been unfaithful. I've been tempted a couple of times but decided it would ultimately be destructive to my existing relationship, which was very important to me.
ReplyDeleteAnother facet here nick is deceit
DeleteSo many people can live with lie of an affair
In my mind one lie always leads to another
Many years ago. I was emotionally unfaithful. I fell in love with a coworker. We never did anything inappropriate, not even a kiss but I was obssessed with her. Finally after a few years I admitted my feelings to the girl. I said, " I had feeling for her. I didn't want to (because I was married) but I do". She did not feel the same way. In fact, she ostracized me and made me feel like crap. Love has lead to most of my worst life decisions. I am better off alone but I hate being alone.
ReplyDeleteAnother facet to take on board
DeleteEmotional infidelity. God this is a minefield
Women cheat because of their emotions, men cheat because of their dick.
ReplyDeleteNo, because I made a promise when I got married and nothing is more important than my family. That does not mean that I haven’t been attracted and giggled at an interesting man who has flirted with me. It is a feel good ego boost to enjoy but never act upon. There is too much to lose including my self respect.
Your simple phrase has a point
DeleteNo is the short answer John. Both my marriages were very, very happy (39 years and 23 years respectively)and yes. I count myself fortunate. Of course there were odd occasions when I could have been but it never crossed my mind to succumb.
ReplyDeletePragmatic and to the point
DeleteIt would be stupid to think that non of us would be tempted
Never with this husband of over thirty-five years. My story with husband number one was much like Anonymous at 6:12 am. Interestingly, that husband recently apologized to me about all the "crap he'd done" in our marriage. After almost forty years! I was gobsmacked. Funny how much I appreciated that and funny how much the thought of "that crap" still stings sometimes.
ReplyDeleteDid the apology help
DeletePerhaps boringly, I have never been unfaithful to my wife. As in all things - honesty is always the best policy. However, that is not to say that Eve has not tempted me with fruit from The Tree of Knowledge. Ultimately, how can you live with secret lies?
ReplyDeleteI think it's very wrong to link monogamy to being boring
DeleteIt's a link many people make me thinks
You can be my confessor John-please don't judge me-whilst in a relationship-the ones I recall-one maltese,one algerian and 2 english men.Reason being I had disconnected from someone mentally x
ReplyDeleteNot my place to judge anyone...and I don't dearheart x
DeleteI have never cheated but two of my partner's have cheated.
ReplyDeleteNo, but after 40 years of marriage I found out that my husband had been having an online affair and that he was going to fly to Dubai to meet up with her (she lives in Uganda and is 17 years younger than him). I was devastated. Divorce was final January 8 and I am learning to move on. I may never learn to trust anyone ever again.
ReplyDeleteAnother facet here too
DeleteOnline involvement
Don't get me started on that one
No, never. I am not good at deceit or lies and don't ever want to be.
ReplyDeleteM.
As I learnt to my cost, what goes round, comes round or as the saying goes 'Take what you want' said God 'take it and pay for it' After more than 30 years, he is and always will be the one that hung the moon for me.
ReplyDeleteKarma?
DeleteNo never cheated when in a relationship, I would actually become enraged at anyone that hit on me, my thinking was "you never bothered with me when I was single". I went on a few coffee dates with guys who confessed to having girlfriends or wives, that would freak me out and I would never speak to them again. At the same time I don't judge other people, I don't know their story and it's not my business.
ReplyDeleteYou do what you feel is right steve.
DeleteAfter enduring years of my partners infidelity, I became closer friends with someone known to us. I got up the nerve, with my friends support, to finally leave the husband. After 9 years relationship, I finally married my friend. Does that count?
ReplyDeleteLol no x
DeleteStraying outside of my marriage would make life very complicated and I’m for simplicity. During the difficult years of our 50 years together it may have seemed tempting, but only in my mind. I don’t think he strayed either. One of my rules to live by is ‘ never ask a question you don’t actually want the answer to’. We’re 50 years down the road and have contentment and love.
ReplyDeleteI could actually have stayed with my ex-husband if he'd had the balls to admit he was having an affair. Even when he gave me an STD he denied it.The lies are much more damaging than the sex.
ReplyDeleteNo, I've never been unfaithful.
" The lies are much more damaging than the sex"
DeleteI'm with you on that one weavinfool. My ex still would not admit anything even when faced with irrefutable evidence and neutral witnesses. After years of denial it was the absolute inability to tell the truth that did it for me. Even when he moved in with his latest slapper after I threw him out he lied about it. As a result of his lies his own son has refused to see or speak to him since he became an adult and make the decision for himself. My ex has never met his grandson and never made any attempt to make amends with his son. He's never sent him a birthday card, not even for his 21st. How sad is that? His loss I say.
DeleteSome people believe their own lies
Deletemy first marriage, my husband wanted an 'open marriage', you remember those? when the spouses could have sex with other people without retribution? I agreed because it was, for me, a marriage of convenience and I knew I would divorce him when I was able. turns out though he only wanted an open marriage for himself. wasn't happy when I indulged. it just spurred the divorce sooner.
ReplyDeletemy second marriage, 44 years and counting, was for love and all that and I have never been physically unfaithful though there were several men I fantasised about. and one woman.
oh, there is one man and we have an affair of the heart but he precedes both marriages. we simply live in different parts of the country, he likes snow, I like heat and so we settled with other partners whom we love but we still cherish each other. our spouses have met and they are much alike and our families have visited with each other. his wife eventually accepted that there was something intangible that he and I needed from each other now and then, just being in each other's space, and that I was not a threat to their relationship. I suppose my husband feels the same way though we have never talked about it. the man and I have talked about it though and we both agree that we chose the right paths, marrying other people. my feeling is that we were involved in a past life as it was one of those moments when we first met, laid eyes on each other, when we couldn't keep our eyes off each other. it was just an instant strong connect.
DeleteYorkshire Pudding asked, "how can you live with secret lies?" All the guilt every imaginable feeling that go along with infidelity, and trust me, they are real, become a part of you that stays hidden in your soul. It's all left to yourself to decide how to go on. You let go, learn its stinging lesson, realize what is most important, all the while remembering to treasure what you have, and you try to move on and go on living and be better. It's all I can do.
ReplyDeleteIs it a lie or a secret? Not sharing this personal information with your partner to me is more a secret. I have been married more than 50 years. A long time ago I had a brief affair but it was more that I was listened to by my lover. It came about because I was convinced to have a pregnancy (with my husband) terminated by my doctor due to my Gynacologist being absent on a study trip and then my husband had a vasectomy without consulting me as it was 'in your best interest'- no doubt influenced again by this GP. Post all of that I received a letter from the Gyno(who I had written to) stating that with proper care the pregnancy should be fine as the issues I had in the previous pregnancy could be managed - obviously it was way too late. My husband was unresponsive and took the position just to get on with things - look after the children we have & don't dwell on what you don't have (a baby that I had ripped reluctantly from my womb)I was devastated, grieving and feeling oh so guilty. I betrayed my baby and felt betrayed due to someone else not wanting the responsibility of caring for a difficult pregnancy. I turned to a friends brother who was a good listener and was understanding but in a way he wanted something too. So my affair was not so much of love or lust but a place I fell into when no one else would listen or nurture my hurt. I never told my husband and he never asked even though I left the marriage for a short while - my children became my way back and after a while my husband and I reconnected on all levels but one - our lost child. So my infidelity is my secret wrapped up in pain of loss and lack of comprehension of just how much I suffered the loss of that baby and how our lives were changed by others without a hint of compassion or consultation. That pain of terminating the pregnancy is as real today even though I have 'got on with things'- it is far more real to me than my infidelity which probably stopped me from killing myself at the time!
DeleteFond memories of great nights at the Ledmill. Had temptations but could never be unfaithful because it hurts too much (been there got the scars .. and the children)!!
ReplyDelete60 years never thought about it.
ReplyDeleteI've never been unfaithful but my husband has. Stupidly I carried on in the marriage and now after 50 years of being married he has dementia and other disabilities. I'm his full time carer, 24 hours a day. There's no love left on either side and I wish I'd left him all those years ago. There's nothing I can do about it now except wait until he's bad enough to go into a care home or dies. Or I die first,
ReplyDeleteHarsh as this sounds it's another reason amongst many why I ended my marriage to my ex. He'd treated me like c**p for years and as I reached 40 I couldn't bear it anymore and I also didn't want to be stuck looking after him in his old age. Best decision I ever made. I've been happy with my current husband for 13 years. I'm sad that you didn't walk away Anonymous!
DeleteIs it not possible for you to leave anyway? You still have your life to live and owe him nothing I'd say.
DeleteMy mum told me that from their wedding day my dad had chatted up a waitress,she never trusted him with the ladies or the ladies with him.I think I may have a half brother but I'm not sure if he even knows.My dad also told me shockingly when I was in my late 20s he had been out with my nurse friends friend.I recall them chatting together when they called for me one evening on our way to a disco x
ReplyDeleteYes, I have. I do regret the hurt it caused to all involved at the time, but as a result, I have been with my soulmate and the true love of my life, for 19 years ❤️
ReplyDeleteAnother facet of a complicated subject.....
DeleteMy cousins advice was "look but don't touch" x
ReplyDeleteI have to say that since I married my second husband and am happy I've never even thought of looking. I don't think there's anything wrong with window shopping though, just don't buy!
DeleteThank you all for your comments. I have and will read every comment . But now need to get to work.
ReplyDeleteYour stories are bravely told and refreshingly come from all.persoectives.
The final answer, if there could be one?
Who knows
It would seem that someone always gets hurt when infidelity occurs
Somewhere
Somehow
Someone gets hurt
Before we married, my husband, then boyfriend, went to a unplanned party without me. Got drunk and slept with a so-called friend of mine.
ReplyDeleteMy cousin who was at the party, couldn't wait to tell me about it the next day.
We split up because of this incident!
Got back together within the year and got married.
Did l forgive and forget? Hell no!
Every time we have a hum-dinger of a row, l bring up the incident,just can't stop myself.
Madness it's over 40 years ago and if l didn't forgive and forget why did l go back? Dunno is the answer? Must have loved him
As for me, l am a bit of a flirt, but would run a mile at anything other than flirty banter.
Perhaps that is why l prefer the company of gay guys, JG included although we have never met.
Unsigned to protect the guilty.
While it was never discussed, neither of us expected sexual faithfulness and neither of us were for the last 41 years. However, we ensured that any fun outside would not impact our relationship and we would be home in the evening, and mostly, it didn't have an impact. It has mostly been, don't ask, don't tell.
ReplyDeleteAh, I see I already commented earlier. The comments are a fascinating read.
ReplyDeleteI have been married to the same wonderful women for the last 54 years, can't imagine disrespecting her now or in the past. Why get married if you feel the need to cheat.
ReplyDeleteA co-worker and I shared a fairly strong attraction when I was in my mid-30's. We worked well together, always got good results. We were the golden team at work. I was also very strongly attracted to him sexually and I knew the interest was mutual. But we were both married, and I believe in marriage being for better or worse. I walked away. I quit the job and stayed in my marriage. That was part of the reason that it was such a sucker punch a few years later when my ex-husband left me for the client that he'd begun an affair with. My marriage for life ended in divorce despite my decision to honor it. Unfortunately, I don't have a profound quip to make it all see well and good anyway. It was just a sucker punch.
ReplyDeletetried it once many moons ago in a tit for tat mood , my husband was endlessly unfaithful and liked to tell me how much better in bed they were and how much more attractive, didnt feel an ounce of guilt. Our marriage lasted 22 years somehow. Never felt the urge in my current partnership 15 years and counting
ReplyDeleteMy husband cheated while i was pregnant and of course, it was my fault for being difficult. I spent a lot of it in hospital I might add.
ReplyDeleteThen I receive phone calls from another lady 'friend' of his. Finally He acquires yet another lady friend. Which was when I lost the plot and booted him out of the house. He moved in with that trollop. That turned out to be my fault as well.
He marries her and has a child. Then low and behold he acquires another lady friend. I found out about her and told him to grow up. Apparently Trollop blamed me for not telling her!!. So he runs out and has another child with that 'hussy'.
So three children by three different women, I'm waiting to be blamed for that one.
Men!!
I wasn't unfaithful as a young person, but did start new relationships after ending old ones rather quickly. I just couldn't seem to allow myself to be single for very long, you know?
ReplyDeleteHow I Got My Ex Husband Back..Am so excited to share my testimony of a real spell caster who brought my husband back to me. My husband and I have been married for about 6 years now. We were happily married with two kids, a boy and a girl. 3 months ago, I started to notice some strange behavior from him and a few weeks later I found out that my husband is seeing someone else. He started coming home late from work, he hardly care about me or the kids anymore, Sometimes he goes out and doesn't even come back home for about 2-3 days. I did all I could to rectify this problem but all to no avail. I became very worried and needed help. As I was browsing through the internet one day, I came across a website that suggested that Dr.Wealthy can help solve marital problems, restore broken relationships and so on. So, I felt I should give him a try. I contacted him and and told him my problems and he told me what to do and i did it and he did a spell for me. 48 hours later, my husband came to me and apologized for the wrongs he did and promise never to do it again. Ever since then, everything has returned back to normal. I and my family are living together happily again.. All thanks to Dr.Wealthy Powerful Love Spell that really works. If you have any problem contact him and i guarantee you that he will help you. He will not disappoint you. Email him at: wealthylovespell@gmail.com. or whatsapp him on: +2348105150446
ReplyDeleteI've been the cheatee in the sense that my best friend's boyfriend hit on me incessantly and I succumbed to the flattery. I learned a lot about myself through that awful experience but I was young and low in self esteem and was a target for him. He treated none of us well and we came out of it better. Bless her.
ReplyDeleteIn my mid 20s I found out that my partner of several years had cheated when I was away -our relationship was really on the skids anyway but I was devastated by it (I suspect it wasn't the only time either) and so when I had the opportunity to return the favour, I did. With a fellow contestant on a game show. We clicked and we played away. Sordid but vindicating. That was all half a lifetime ago and these days I get hit on fairly regularly and I have absolutely no desire to follow through. I am built for monogamy, and am content with that. but also, my self esteem and sense of integrity is now a lot stronger and I have forgiven that daft young thing always looking for love in the wrong places. We live and we learn
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ReplyDelete