Tuesday, 15 October 2019

" Daddy ......my Daddy"

" Have you got kids?" my colleague asked .
We were talking about my divorce and subsequent  return to work
"No I had a husband" I said thinking she had originally misheard me
" I know , you said , I just wondered if you had children?" She replied
A silly presumption on my part, I realised all too late
" You look the type to have children " she added.


" What type is that?" I asked her curiously
" Jolly and warm " came the reply
In my book jolly and warm are euphemisms for large 
But I took it as a complement

Working in a hospice invariably leads one to think about family.
Family dynamics, family love, family ties.
But Family woes, family spats and family problems lie just under the surface
As we all know, death brings out the best and the worst in people

I bought a pumpkin today.
It's a tradition I've always done living here in Wales.
I remember one year when the Randa girls came around after school  to disembowel one ready for carving
It was such a joyous event , full of squeals and acting and false vomits over the drainage board.
And as they chatted, and included me in their day dreams and silly talk, I found myself fantasising about how cool it would have been to be a father

I talked to two grown up daughters at work the other day
Daughters who felt useless and helpless at their father's bedside
" You're here !" I told them....." You're here........that's all that matters!"
I think they understood

80 comments:

  1. My mum once told me that she never felt maternal until she had me.We were best friends and she said as she was laying in her hospital bed aged 56 " I don't know what I would have done without you".I have no children and only fleetingly thought it may be nice as a teenager.My maternal feelings seem to be towards animals x

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  3. Thank you for telling those young ladies their presence means more than anything,
    I have always found hospice workers to be very gentle and insightful. This probably comes from working in an environment where you willingly walk the edge of life and death every day.
    Embrace the warm and jolly.

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    1. I've always wanted to be enigmatic and svelte

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  4. Some people give off a sense of warmth and people find that pleasant to be around. It has nothing to do with your weight John... lol.

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  5. I don't have children, not by choice. However I'm lucky enough to have had children in my life (some related, some not; some are now grown up and some still very young). I have had have a close relationship with them, and hope I've added something to their lives - and there's the added bonus of being able to hand them back at the end of the day! I love being an auntie.

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  6. I enjoy your stories so much.

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    1. Just about to type ‘Me too’, then I stopped and thought perhaps not? But I really do enjoy your stories so I’m going to anyway...
      Me too! So many words you have to be careful about, sad really.

      LXX

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    2. Thank u kindly ladies x

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  7. I agree with Steven, John. I don't think anyone who's ever seen Orson Welles has thought "My isn't he jolly and warm". Your eyes exude warmth and your voice is enough to give me the warm fuzzies.
    My maternal gene didn't kick in fully until I had granddaughters.

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    1. Perhaps I should just adopt a granddaughter

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  8. It's never too late to find yourself a breeder x

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    1. Adam and Ian found Lexy in The Archers x

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  9. I have often thought about what it would have been like if I had had children. I do not think I would have been a good parent. I would have been SO overprotective and suffocating. And the future therapy for them? PHEW! A nice idea when fantasizing about children but in reality the day to day takes far more than I would have been able to give.

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    1. Would Ron have balanced out your anxieties jimbo?

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  10. I've never been one to think, less say, that I'd have been a 'good father'. (Even Cliff Richard says it, for goodness sake!) I might have been able to cope with a helpless baby or bumbling toddler, but being on the receiving end of those upcoming teenage years (and later) of rebellion would fill me with dread and I just know I wouldn't be able to cope. Remembering my own behaviour at that phase with all that resentment, rudeness and stubborness spilling out would get me asking "Has it been worth it?". In my case the answer would have to be "No!" and I envy those who'd manage to get through it all unscathed.

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    1. I think any childof yours would inherit your love of a well writtened film review xx
      Happy birthday dearheart x

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    2. Happy Birthday Raybeard x

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    3. Thanks JayGee (again) - and you too, Flis.

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  11. Barbara Anne3:10 pm

    "Jolly and warm" are essential characteristics for good hugging so you should be delighted by that compliment right down to your socks.

    May life bring small children into your life and into your circle of friends.

    Brilliant words to those two sad daughters and at just the right time.

    Hugs!

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    1. Yes....perhaps it would be another adventure eh?

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  12. maybe you need to add a child to your managerie? holy hell that would be an adventure!

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    1. That will get the dog walker sweating x

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  13. Sometimes you don't need to speak in words. It's just the being there that matters.

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  14. I love being a mum. I hate being a daughter x

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    1. I would lovec an explaination on that one xx

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  15. Much, much, much too insecure to be a father. I don't believe that insecurity is a trait I was born with, but another trait I now believe I was born with combined with a social order and some realities concerning class has just made me that way. Would I have been a good father, and would I have wanted to be a father if I had grown up in a different type of social setting than the one I'm used to? I honestly don't know. Parenthood is something a lot of people kind of fall or are even pushed into, whether they're good at it or not (I'm sounding really positive today, aren't I?)

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    1. Kirk. I think if you are blessed with some emotional intelligence and self awareness like you and hopefully I possess
      We would not repeat the mistakes of our own upbringing on our children

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  16. There is nothing more important and loving then “Being There”.

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  17. I've never missed fatherhood, personally. It's just not my thing. But I'm glad some people are into it!

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    1. I've never really missed it steve...I'm just musing I guess

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  18. That scene with Jenny Agutter still makes me cry.

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    1. I know...just the simple insertion of the word " my" makes it a sob fest

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  19. You could have been a father. Two handsome gents from San Francisco adopted a baby from my eldest daughter. Later they moved to Barcelona, and I follow their adventures on Facebook. That little baby now looks tall and long legged and teenish. lol

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  20. There's an old saying, "You can fake caring but you can't fake showing up." Yes, just being there is so important.

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  21. I sometimes wonder what my life would have been like if I'd had children. I see families and think what if that was me, but I know I made the right decision.

    John, you are now in a privileged position in that you can be a part of someone's family, even though it may be at the end of their life.

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    1. I had a conversation with a dear friend at the weekend. He talked about how it is important it is to him to be a part of something
      I am lucky
      I have a family, friends, work colleagues, Samaritans, village, and my choir

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  22. I, too, think you would have been a good father, John.

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  23. Thank you for that, John. Mum is in hospital at the moment. She fell and broke a hip. Feel so useless and she won't let us help even with the little things. Just sitting by her bed might be all I can do. xx

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    1. Knowing your love one is there.....
      It's such a panacea to pain. Both psychological and physical

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  24. As Weaver said, it's not too late. And you never know what is just around the bend in life. At least stay open to the possibilities. I think you would be a great father. How we treat animals is often a good indicator of how we treat humans.

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    1. It's not too late for many things Jenny ( I hope)

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  25. I can see you - in later years - being a foster parent. I think you would make a good one. If you ever end up living with someone again (which I think is a strong possibility) it would be a good way of fulfilling yourself at the same time as helping others, which you know how to do anyway. A friend of mine did it (the allowances are quite generous, so you don't have to skimp) and he said it was quite hard work, though. Plenty of time for you.

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    1. Food for thought Tom
      Thank you for that. It means a lot

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  26. I hope you get to carve a pumpkin with those delightful girls again as I'm sure they loved being with you. Jolly and warm is good in my book x

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    1. Both are so grown up . Eve is in secondary school x

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  27. You would be inundated with baby stuff if ever you should decide to become a father John... Poor kid would be thoroughly spoilt by all your blogging buddies.

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  28. Being a parent should require an application process. Some of the parents of the kids I teach should never have been parents. There is no road map for parenting, but some of them don't even know what a map is. I think you'd be a great parent.

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  29. I wasn't with my mom when she passed. Huge regret in my life, I think of it often, how I failed her.

    You'd be a good dad, John, responsible and caring.

    lizzy

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    1. Sometimes that vigil can't be done ...don't best yourself up x

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  30. Jolly and warm sounds like the best kind of friends one can have, just like you a warm heart and a sense of humour much like your stories John. Perhaps you will meet the love of your life who happens to have children.

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    1. Yes a step parent, jolly and warm are both good traits for a step parent.

      None of us knows what is just around the corner John, in the meantime don't waste a minute of every day.

      Glad to read your job is going well, how did you go on with the Hotter shoes you ordered?

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    2. The Hotters? Crikey, I've never heard of anyone not being able to wear Hotters straight out of the box with no problems. They're famous for being comfortable! They do have a 90 day return policy, if you're not happy with them in some way you can return them for an exchange or refund.

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  31. Anonymous9:59 pm

    I knew from a young age that I would never be a parent, nor would I ever drink - a legacy from my parents shortcomings. When I was in my late thirties, I decided to become a big sister, a very joyful and meaningful endeavor, and, hopefully, filled the needs of someone else's children as well as my own. Worked out wonderfully.

    Annie

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    1. Emotional intelligence
      It gives you a path to follow x

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  32. As Tom said. You are a warm and loving person. All the very best for the future, whatever it brings. Anyone with you will be blessed.

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  33. One of my best friends is a transgendered man and a daddy. Every Father's Day I tell him the same thing- how I wish I had had a father like you.
    I think you would have made a lovely, loving father. Like my friend.

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  34. I hate that some words have been taken in different contexts these days, jolly and warm are a real compliment. You may be a bit of a podge sometimes ... just like me ... but you're not large in any sense of the word.

    You would have, and indeed might still, make a lovely and loving father.

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  35. You told those two daughters the right thing. As you know.

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  36. You may not have children, but you have a family.

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  37. As someone without children, I'm not sure it would be cool to be a father. More like very hard work bringing up your kids properly and turning them into intelligent, considerate adults. I think my own father was pretty overwhelmed by the responsibility.

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  38. I think jolly and warm sound lovely. I also think you would have been a good dad and as Poppy Q is right, you do have a family:)

    Family is not just blood or adoption, it's also those you gather round you, those you love and who love you.

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  39. No, large people do not automatically look like they'd make good parents. It was definitely a compliment. Coming from an abusive family and wanting anyway to be just like my macho, handsome, popular father, I was always nervous that I'd be just like him if I had kids. I definitely had his rage lurking and it took me years to overcome that. Then there was my disabled brother who was my primary responsibility. Before ever dealing with my sexuality and thinking I would marry a woman and just ignore the real me, I still early on decided I could never have kids -- a combination of fear of being just like my father and fear that I'd have a disabled child and wouldn't be able to cope all over again. I love kids, and always have, but I'm glad I didn't have any of my own.

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