Perhaps a decade ago now I worked with a bit of a misery.
She was footloose and fancy free, had a career on the rise, and was ( and is ) an attractive woman with a sparkling smile.
But back then, she was clearly unhappy about something and like many the causation was hidden away unrecognised and nebulous.
A twelve hour shift became a bore when she was on
And her moans almost became a habit.
Now my relationship with her was( is) a good one , and I knew I could banter with her, and so with a smile and a lightness I told her I was only going to allow her ten moans per twelve hour shift.
A rationing of complaints
We laughed about it
But the message had struck home
She stopped moaning
Recently she referred to that bit of honesty
She's an Earth mother of three and couldn't be happier
But then, she admitted the moaning had become a norm
I am not sure what I'm trying to say here
I guess we all, at times need a mirror held up to us by a friend
But one that is held with affection and not with criticism
She was footloose and fancy free, had a career on the rise, and was ( and is ) an attractive woman with a sparkling smile.
But back then, she was clearly unhappy about something and like many the causation was hidden away unrecognised and nebulous.
A twelve hour shift became a bore when she was on
And her moans almost became a habit.
Now my relationship with her was( is) a good one , and I knew I could banter with her, and so with a smile and a lightness I told her I was only going to allow her ten moans per twelve hour shift.
A rationing of complaints
We laughed about it
But the message had struck home
She stopped moaning
Recently she referred to that bit of honesty
She's an Earth mother of three and couldn't be happier
But then, she admitted the moaning had become a norm
I am not sure what I'm trying to say here
I guess we all, at times need a mirror held up to us by a friend
But one that is held with affection and not with criticism
You are unflinchingly honest about people's foibles (including your own) but always kind and often humorous, there is no better combination of qualities.
ReplyDeleteI always think most things can be said. And Challenged.but always kindly
DeleteSometimes it is hard to see ourselves. Oftentimes it is very difficult to tell others what we see. Easier to say nothing but easier isn't always good.
ReplyDeleteExactly, YP, "easier isn't always good". There will be people who bite their tongue in order to not "offend". But at what cost, both to the other person and ourselves?
DeleteI am "blessed" (lucky me) in that I come from a culture, a family and a handful of friends where being outspoken/highly critical is the norm. It's given me the advantage in that I am accustomed to looking at myself in that mirror being held up to me; it's also given me the occasional disadvantage of expecting the same stoicism and being open to critique from others. Stand by to be disappointed.
U
Outspoken isnt the noŕm and if you are always outspoken then you have no filter which in utself is dangerous. Subtly is paramount. Knowing what you can say and to whom is the key here and i think was the point of the post
DeleteUrsula.. any personal comments will be deleted
DeleteNot moaning is a bit difficult these days. We have a lot to moan about. I try to ration my online moans, but always break promises.
ReplyDeleteI like the genuine case of the man who tried to sue an online ex chatline called, 'Hear Me Moan'. He rang it up (at about £10 per minute) and a woman's voice at the other end began saying, "You never do the washing up, you never clean the house, you're always going out to the pub..." Everyone in court laughed, including the judge. Case dismissed.
Deletesex chatline, of course.
DeleteI loved this
DeleteIts on a par with the two nuns joke
Sister Joan" show him your cross "
Sister agnes " fuck off!"
I haven't had a hissy fit for at least 3 weeks John.
ReplyDeleteI had one in Halfords this morning
DeleteYou are absolutely right but some people don't take even gentle critisism well. Or perhaps we don't see our 'gentle' critisism as others see it!? You did well with that lady, some wouldn't have dared. x
ReplyDeleteI think it's imported to finally say something , the friendship is dead in the water if you don't
DeleteCome on, John, be honest. Show a mirror to any friend and I show you one offended person looking at themselves. The intention of that mirror being held up is often "kind" yet you can bet your bottom currency that most (not all) other parties will not take "kindly" to what they will, invariably, perceive as "criticism". Which is fair enough. Because a spade is a spade and a criticism is a criticism. Some can take same, some crumble like the proverbial goose met with a boo.
ReplyDeletePlease do let me know what you think.
U
I disagree
DeleteThe best advice i have ever had is from someone who loved me Unconditionally .it stung but it was given with love
The older we get, the more we tend to moan. I have acquaintances to whom 24 hours a day is not long enough to complain. I am guilty of this at times but when around what I call professional grippers who suck up all the air in a room, I am reminded of how not to live.
ReplyDeleteTo moan is normal but like anything it has to be done in moderation
Deletecould you have a sit down with my husband's entire family?
ReplyDeleteFor money ...yes
DeleteIt’s easier when a friend hold up that mirror and we can see. It’s also much less threatening when the scolding comes wrapped in humor. We see our silky ways clear as day.
ReplyDeleteXoXo
Exactly xx
DeleteI had a somewhat similar experience a couple of years ago - out for lunch with a couple of friends and it was one moan after another from both of them until I finally snapped and pointed out that we all had roofs over our heads, jobs that paid the bills and allowed for treats and judging by the size of us all - more than enough to eat! It went dead silent and I thought for sure they'd both be really angry with me but all of a sudden they looked at each other and both of them burst out laughing and acknowledged that it was time to lighten up!
ReplyDeleteNow I'm no saint - I like the occasional moan as much as the next but I no longer allow "emotional vampires" into my life - it's just too draining.
Margie. Your letter wins the best entry award x
DeleteUrsula's comment reminds me of a woman I know who just has no boundaries when it comes to commenting on others. And what she says could often be construed as just being mean. She has what we might call a "sharp tongue" and is not pleasant to be around. There is a fine line between humorous observation and blatant criticism. Best to try and stay on the gentler side of that, I think.
ReplyDeleteI work with a moaner and I do find her very trying. Most of her moans are truly bizarre, she really resents her sister receiving a retainer fee, now as the sister is a foster carer, who takes in families in the wee smallhours, I think she deserves every penny. Thankfully, I only have do do a half hour handover with her, but even so I usually send her home early!
ReplyDeleteI had a friend who called her moans "a little pity party" and would say she needed to "splash her toes in a for a bit but wouldn't jump in". It was always said lightly.
ReplyDeleteI don't do hissy fits but do occasionally go off in a snit until I get over myself! :)
Hugs!
That woman has insight
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteNot necessary
DeleteWe rarely see ourselves as others do. True friends tell us the truth with love and kindness... always to help us, never to hurt us. Those that point out ugly truths to hurt us only, are not true friends and should be avoided. I wish you were my friend John. Thank you for sharing life on your blog. If you wrote a book, I would buy it!
ReplyDeleteLol, I may need to try and write it, I need the money lol
DeleteI signed on to a blog for students at a university. Some of the posts involved serious topics like sexual assault but the vast preponderance of comments were about the lack of assertiveness. “I have to move out because I cant tell my roommate to help with dishes.” The issues were big and small, including “I dont know how to tell her Im a virgin. Or I dont want sex”. Ive come to believe that the direct, kind communication of a feeling is a sadly lacking skill. Crucial in relationships!
ReplyDeleteA good point suz
DeleteSo many people cannot be assertive and when they try it often comes over as aggression or passive aggression.... many people need assertive training. I could have benefitted from it as a teen
I think we can often slip into bad habits such as continually moaning without realising. It takes a good friend to snap us out of it. You did so with humour and care.
ReplyDeleteI think you have put your finger on the problem...habit,.bad habits are easily developed and are hard to shift
Delete"Moaning" in this context sounds so odd, not an American usage...it must mean whining or complaining? Sometimes a person needs to share as a coping mechanism, the woman maybe saw you as a shoulder to cry [moan] on?
ReplyDeletelizzy
She did but I think it was more habit
DeleteJust because you can doesn't mean you should. Sometime keeping your comments to yourself is the best thing to do. However, I am thankful to have one friend who I can rely on to give it to me straight. At lunch the other day she kindly told me I had something hanging on the end of my nose.
ReplyDeleteI agree
DeleteThere is always a time and place
I like Margie from Toronto's, " Emotional Vampires " I had one drain the living daylights out of me but no longer and I am so well now away from her.
ReplyDeleteSome people can suck the joy out of a room like an elephant can suck a ping pong ball up a hose pipe
DeleteIt,s the one that it should be held with affection that I think is just so important.
ReplyDeleteI'm guilty. I find life difficult since hubby's stroke. He is very difficult to live with. If I didn't moan I'd murder the bugger
ReplyDeleteOh don't get me wrong, when there is a good cause...moan away!
DeleteSo right.
ReplyDeleteGood advice John.
ReplyDeleteJust close ones eyes and imagine Blindness, that should be enough to stop any silly old moaning about 'stuff'
ReplyDeleteA person very very close to me is now wheelchair bound with MS,she never moans 'oh, woe is me' type thing.
That is more than enough to stop me moaning about the gas bill, the weather,Brexshit, Borris, and any other old rubbish.
Tess xx
The bigger the trauma the smaller the moaning is often the case
DeleteI did a very similar thing with my mother. I set a rule that said she could make three complaints each time I visited and then no more until she could find a good thing to counter them. It worked. Some days.
ReplyDeleteNot just me then x
DeleteA colleague recently went on a course about dealing with difficult people and situations. She came back with a poster that is now on the loo wall at work. Basically you have a moaning partner, you hold the moaning stick (real or imaginary)and moan for 3 minutes, your partner listens without interruption. You then swap roles. After that you shut up and stop moaning. Personally we just close the school office door and have a good swear but whatever gets you through the day �� xx
ReplyDeleteI'm fucked
ReplyDeleteHeck the only thing I have to moan about is people who hang on and have to have the last word I say three strikes and your out if you know what I mean.
ReplyDelete
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