I've been thinking about " role appropriate " things today.
One is a pretty straightforward situation.
The other , perhaps , is not.
Modern day quandaries I guess.
The new Trelawnyd Flower Show Committee has asked me to MC the event on the 17th of August.
Now I understand their position and the fact that getting someone who is comfortable at speaking to a crowd is sometimes as difficult as counting hens' teeth but to most in the village My rotund figure is synonymous with the show itself, so to me I just seems right not to be seen to take a management role in the proceedings.
This seems like a no brainier.
My other recent quandary has been much more of a knotty issue.
Should I attend my former father-in-laws funeral down in Margate ?
From the get go, I have been bombarded with conflicting advice about this one.
And I understand clearly just why different people stand in their own camps.
But Richard was a man I had become close to over two decades, so why wouldn't I consider paying my respects.?
The day is about him....it's not about anyone else!
The knotty issue, for many, would the fact that I have no status in the proceedings.
I am not now " family" , I am now an ex whose presence could be a locus of some uncomfortable feelings for some. ( or so some people think)
Now,......al this is the stuff of tv dramas where the now marginalised character can be seen
mysteriously at the back of the chapel with a hat and veil on.
It's all very silly as all there ensure that my potential presence will not be a source of discomfort for anyone and Chris is happy at my request to attend
When I think of my father in law, I remember a night in midsummer when he and I sat on the back patio with the dogs and several bottles of vino.
My husband had retired to bed , and it was a humid, relaxed evening when tongues were loosened and old, much buried thoughts and worries were shared with a friend.
I got to know the man who played my father in law , that night , and the conversations bonded us together so much more than the perfunctory roles had done before hand.
It was this memory that reminded me just how important it would be for me to attend his last goodbye.
Having said this, I am now working the night before the funeral and am having a few issues with sorting changing my duties out..... I have no kudos now, now my notice has been handed in ....
And so logistics may conspire against me in my wish to attend.....
Having said this, if I go, I will be sat quietly to one side ( without the veil) in the chapel and will disappear quietly into the congregation after the deed is done.
It’s your former F-in-L’s funeral with whom you had a particular relationship with. You might feel that ought to be honoured whatever else has happened. Although not ‘formally’ part of the family, you had your own set of relationships and shared experiences with them that should not be written off. There may be other contextual matters that only you will be aware of that might also inform your decision, though.
ReplyDeleteKnowing someone for two decades is a long time and especially knowing someone that you cared about and whose company you obviously enjoyed. You have got your memories and no-one can take those away from you. I think it would be nice of you to attend and I think you have every right to be there. You could, also, regret it one day that you didn't attend. It's a final 'goodbye' - I'm sure he would like you to be there, no matter what the circumstances.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Philip. You were close to your FIL, so screw anybody who may feel ‘uncomfortable’ it’s about paying your respects, not socializing with them.
ReplyDeleteAs for public speaking in the Flower show, again, there doesn’t seem to be anybody else up for the role, so why not? It’s not like you’ll be managing the whole thing, no?
I like how doing the right thing keeps you thinking. 😎
And I laughed out loud with the image of the shadowy figure in a hat and veil at the back of the church. Priceless.
XoXo
You should go, especially if your ex doesn't mind. Just go, pay your respects and leave, its a nice thing you are doing.
ReplyDeleteJane
With regards the flower show, I think you should do it. What is important is that the event goes well, and the new committee are supported until they find their feet. The fact you were a major part of the previous committee doesn't matter in my view.
ReplyDeleteRegarding the funeral, I always feel that funerals are for the benefit of the living-to enable them to say goodbye and start coming to terms with their grief while they are supported by friends and family. I think what you need to ask yourself is, would they feel comforted by the fact you had made the effort to pay your respects because you felt highly of him?
Pauline B x
I will be entering several classes in the show
DeleteSo I hope I am seen to be supporting it
You should go, even if it means cutting short your employment with the care home, if they can be stroppy with shifts show that you can be too ... it's a funeral for Gods sake, they should be much more tolerant!
ReplyDeleteYou should go because Chris has said he would be happy for you to be there, but mostly you should go because two decades of being 'family' and knowing, admiring and loving someone means you need to pay your respects and say a final goodbye.
You should also yes a big YES to MC-ing the Flower Show, on the understanding that you are introduced as 'the special guest MC'. It obviously means they want to to be seen 'handing over the reigns' of the show and giving it your blessing to continue. You can say some of this in your speech and then retire gracefully ... until your Pound Cake is beaten by the opposition, then you have my permission to flounce out in a strop ;-)
Agree with all of what you've said.
DeleteYou've let work know of the funeral, they can replace you. You can't replace the funeral and final goodbye to a part of your life.
You have a new employer, your reference has been given. They will give you no loyalty at this point
The flower show seems to be a quandry you have answered yourself. Perhaps mentor someone else to fill the role?
ReplyDeleteThe second one is curly but, you've known this man for a long time and your ex is approving of you attending. So shaft the shifts and just go. You may regret not going but not regret going.
PS, and you never know whom you may meet, ha ha.
Go John. You will regret it if you don't. Just pay your respects and leave. You will feel like you have said farewell to a man you so obviously liked. Xx
ReplyDeleteEchoing everyone else. If you possibly can I think you should go to say farewell. You had a relationship which was special.
ReplyDeletei think you should do exactly what makes you feel comfortable. just think about yourself and make the decision from your gut.
ReplyDeleteI fully second this comment.
DeleteI do think that the event that like you said should be all about your father in law could quickly become all about you and your presence. Seems like you may have already done so if the conversation is so much about whether you are attending or not...
ReplyDeleteI guess that vague uncomfortable feeling is my only quandary
DeleteDon't over think it. You are not bringing a date to this event. If people want to talk they will. If you go some will talk. If you don't some will talk.
DeleteYou are a good man, paying respects to a man you found to be good and kind.
The fact that you take the time to think and write of him is respect enough. X
ReplyDeleteThank you Mavis
DeleteYou have weighed it up and you know what you are doing. I am surprised you are expressing a quandary about it, the funeral. If you are paying your last respects to a man you once knew then you should go. That is the only reason. Chris has included you in news of his father so he clearly respects you and whatever you decide to do. As for the flower thing, well that's up to you and whether you want to leave them to it and cast off or whether you want to be good to them and say yes. Perhaps they need a little shove to get on and MC it themselves and you gently say no.
ReplyDeleteMy quandary was indeed a vague one
DeleteI'm just sounding out my thoughts really as I sort of knew I was going...
The decision re flower show was easy and I this morning informed all that matters that I will be entering the classes but nothing more
Good for you, John.
DeleteGo pay your respects. And, at the flower show, simply stop to smell the flowers and hope your arrangements win some honors!
One could assume that your ex FIL would understand whatever decision you choose make here.
ReplyDeleteYour bond is intact and will remain so with or without your presence.
If Chris is happy for you to attend then you should go if you can.
ReplyDeleteMy ex excluded me from my own father's funeral, he sat in the front row, I had to sneak in and sit hidden.
Your ex excluded you to your own father's funeral?
DeleteHe was a gem!
DeleteMay I say something?
ReplyDeleteU
If it's negative or at all detrimental to any other comment here
DeleteNo you can't
It sort of looks like it was then!!
DeleteSorry to disappoint, A Smaller Life. I was just about to give my rusty shilling's worth when life had other ideas. Best not to jump to conclusions. Three hours later ... better than never.
DeleteU
John, hi. And there I was hoping for an enthusiastic "Yes, please, Ursula. I can't wait". Only joking.
DeleteNo, what wanted to contribute is not "negative or detrimental". Just a thought borne out of my own life's experience and maybe of some help to you in deciding whether to attend the funeral. And then I set off ...
Half an hour later ... I realized I gave you (and your readers) maybe too much information which, whilst of interest, not necessary. That's when the delete button comes in handy. Also had to dash out (already reprimanded for by your reader A Smaller Life).
However, being interrupted was not such a bad thing since it gave me more time to ponder on your funeral predicament.
So to keep it to the minimum: I agree largely with what both Jinxxxygirl and Moaning Mavis said and hint at. Last respects can be paid in thought - not least since Richard won't know who is there to pay "respects". Following your last year's narrative, and maybe things have changed recently, you felt pretty let down by some of your in-laws in the aftermath of you and Chris calling it a day. You appeared disappointed not least in your mil. What you may have to consider, funerals being emotional occasions, whether you attending won't refresh not so old wounds. Let's not forget, my dear John, and I mean the "dear", you appear, by all accounts, to be easily overcome by emotion. Do you really want to do this to yourself: Sit there, thinking of all the old times, moved not least by the sight of Chris in the front pew where you'd have been at his side once upon a time, and then slink away all by yourself?
Well meant, John, well meant,
Ursula
Not that well meant Ursula. Why put doubts in John's mind when he's already decided to attend? He was looking for supportive comments.
DeleteWhy on earth he lets you keep on posting comments on here I don't know. It shows the kind of person you are when he has to ask if your comment will be negative or detrimental.
We're all aware John's had a tough year but you've done your best to make it even worse for him with your comments. Go and find somewhere to play.
"Not that well meant"? Ok, Sue, whatever you say. You know me and my intentions better than I do.
Delete"put doubts in John's mind"? I gave him, just as some other readers, a slant of how I/we see it.
"he's already decided to attend". Has he? Sorry, that must slipped past me. I thought the whole point of this post was that he was (still) in a quandry.
Don't show me the door, Sue. It make shut in your face.
"find somewhere to play"? The contents of John's post are serious stuff, Sue. If you have a grievance with me air it another way - not for my or your sake, just the sake of good taste.
Peace,
U
Well said, Ursula...and every aspect must be considered before a decision...a difficult one...can be made. At least,John,you know about the funeral so all is not completely negative.
DeleteIf I have a difficult decision to make I flip a coin. If I am disappointed by the result - tails instead or heads or vice verse - then I know I’d already decided before I flipped.
ReplyDeleteEach funeral is a never-to-be-repeated event.
I think that in the end you will have been glad you went to the funeral. No regrets and all of that. That's just my opinion, but based on experience.
ReplyDeleteWhat an honor for you to be asked to MC the Flower Show events. You are such a part of your community, John.
If it is all too much for you emotionally, I believe you have paid tribute to your ex father in law already and perhaps sit in your own Church quietly on the day of the funeral.
ReplyDeleteBest not to MCV if you are entering in the flower show.
I wonder who would be uncomfortable. What is their problem and why would you care? I cannot believe anyone would be surprised to see you but would wonder why you failed to show if you don't go. He was family and in a way, always will be. He was apart of your life. Isn't that what the definition of "family" really all about?
ReplyDeleteWould your FIL want you there? I think he would....
ReplyDeleteI say yes to both quandries! Go to pay your respects to a special man whom you became close to. Definitely be the MC of the Flower Show, you will be perfect in that role and the villagers know you/love you enough not to think of you as taking over 'management' of just one lovely, fun annual day!
ReplyDeletePersonally, I can't stand funerals. If I was in your situation I'd send a very 'noticeable' floral tribute, with some well chosen words.
ReplyDeleteI would go.
ReplyDeleteThere is no such awful feeling as always thinking.....I should have said my last goodby ...
And in this case, it's between you and Chris..
Go and F* anyone who has a problem with it.
(Yes,I woke up cranky)
The folks that would talk if you're there would probably say nasty things if you didn't turn up. Screw 'em. All that really matters is that Chris is fine by it, and you need to say your goodbyes to a man who meant a lot to you.
ReplyDeleteIf you don't feel comfortable in the role of MC it is best to decline. Don't forget that in future years you will be expected to do it again and again, that is unless you add the words "just this once".
ReplyDeleteI think that you have come up with the correct solution for the funeral. Slip in quietly and then leave. You never know people may be much more welcoming towards you than you imagine.
I hope you'll MC the flower show as your wonderful story-telling style and self assurance will be an asset to the show and to those attending. What can I say? You're loved in your village.
ReplyDeleteIf you'd not be putting yourself in danger to travel a long distance after a night shift, I say go to your former FIL's funeral. It's about you and him. That said, you could always not work that last night (call in) even if you're scheduled to as a funeral is excuse enough. What are they going to do? Dock your pay or fire you?
That's my 2 cents worth on both subjects!
Hugs!
My dear John. I hesitate to add my twopennorths but all I can say is that you are loved and valued for who you are, not what you were. Do what you feel you are comfortable with. xx
ReplyDeleteI went to my ex father in laws funeral. I was invited back to his daughter's house after the funeral but my ex wasn't.
ReplyDeleteDo what you want to do. It sounds like you loved and respected the man.
Speaking at the flower show, would create a connection with the history of the show, and the new planning committee.
ReplyDeleteIf you can, go for Richard and focus entirely upon him. That is the big-hearted thing to do and you have a bigger heart than most.
ReplyDeleteIf you cut your last shift will that color the tone of the recommendation for your new job that is still outstanding?
ReplyDeleteIf Chris is good with your attending then you are welcome to be there. How is Sorrel doing? Is she the uncomfortable one?
You don't have to, but I've seen ex-spouses show up at ex-in laws funerals, and it was no big deal.
ReplyDeleteI haven't been able to go to funerals I would dearly have loved to attend (because of international travel/cost) so I say absolutely GO. Anyone attending who held your ex FIL in high regard will be a comfort to the family regardless of present circumstances.
ReplyDeleteYou know you would like to go and plan to be a discreet and unobtrusive mourner; your only real quandry is: would you feel safe driving all the way to Margate after a night shift (and back)?
ReplyDeleteI'm going to differ---you should NOT attend the funeral unless you were specifically invited by ex or ex MIL, via a personal phone call. Seeing your former family will just open wounds that have just begun to heal for you. Your FIL knew you cared about him, but that is over now. Move on.
ReplyDeleteDef MC the FS, how fun and a great honor.
lizzy
"... will just open wounds ..." Quite agree, and you expressed in fewer words and more concise than I did in my comment above a few minutes ago.
DeleteSometimes it's important to look after ourselves; and the dead won't know whichever way we grieve. Physical presence at a funeral is, I believe, overrated.
U
I think if you feel strongly that you want to go, and your ex doesn't mind, then why not?
ReplyDeleteWould you have wanted your ex FIL to attend YOUR funeral? if yes, then go. You don't have to linger about afterward, just go and enjoy a contemplative day at the seaside and eat some marvelous fish and chips.
ReplyDeleteI would probably just send flowers to the funeral in lieu of attending. I can't get over how you said your ex's family cut off all contact with you when he left. I know that you were particularly hurt by that and I can't imagine attending the funeral under those circumstances. Funerals are for the living, not the dead, and the living people who will be there haven't been very nice to you over the past year. Just my 2 cents dear John.
ReplyDeleteIf these circumstances are correct, that you were cut off, then I would also just send flowers and a sympathy card. Funerals are indeed for the living, when close family do their grieving, if I thought my presence would cause even the slightest unrest for anyone then I wouldn't attend. I'd spend that time in my own local church with my own thoughts.
DeleteIf you're just going to put in an appearance for the sakes of what others think then I'd say don't go, you can pay your respects quietly at your own church, having sent flowers as a mark of respect to the family. They're the main participants in this.
I feel that funerals are for the living, not the deceased, and if you feel attending it will help YOU, I say go for it (if you get the time off to do so). If instead your concern is to honour the dead, one can do so anywhere, at any time, in any way. I think you don't really need any advice in the end, though. We all just like to feel needed and give it to you :)
ReplyDeleteFor what it's worth, I think you've made a very thoughtful decision concerning the MC role as well.
Food for thought
ReplyDeleteI lost a family member about 10 years ago and we hadn't spoken for a long time due to something she had done but before that we were very close. I did what you intend to do, sat at the back paid my respects and left. It was what i needed to do, so if you feel you want to go then go xx
ReplyDeleteIf you feel it in your heart, and it sounds like you do, then you should go. You would be paying your respects to a person you cared about and I bet if Richard had a say he would want you there.
ReplyDeleteYou should do whatever you feel most comfortable with. The only small doubt I would have would be how will you feel seeing your ex? What if he is with someone new, will that set you back? Other than that, there are no decisions to be made, you've made them! x
ReplyDeleteThis is something I have thought about recently given the current poor health of my ex in laws. My FIL cut me off completely the moment my ex left, my MIL shortly afterwards. It really hurt as I'd been married for 24 years. It also meant they didn't see their youngest grandson for several years (their choice) as I had full custody.
ReplyDeleteI recently attended a big family wedding where my ex husband and his current wife were present. They were pleasant enough to me but the comments and attitudes of other members was not nice. They made it clear I should not have attended despite both bride and groom wanting me there. It was very upsetting and I did have a bit(!) of an emotional reaction in the days afterwards. I will NOT be attending any future family events.
In divorces people take sides even when they say they won't. And it makes weddings, funerals, christenings and graduations bloody awful.
I guess what I'm trying to say is if you're strong enough to resist the family negativity then go but with the knowledge it could be awful. Only you will know John.
The wake is for the living, the funeral for the deceased. Skip the wake, go to the funeral.
ReplyDeleteYou will make the right choice, I'm sure of it. You don't need to tell us what you decide. Hugs. xx
ReplyDeleteFrom what you have written about your former father-in-law, it sounds as if he'd want you there.
ReplyDeleteI would go and pay my last respects....he was a man you appear to have admired and got on with in life and would want to farewell in a respectful manner. As with sorting your duties for attending, as you have already handed in your notice surely a bereavement leave day could be arranged. Do you not have those in the UK?? Quite a quandary if not, I would throw a sickie personally!
ReplyDeleteJo in Auckland
I still remember how hurt you were when the family you married into totally turned their back on you, I don't condone their attitude but it's been a year and perhaps some of them would be pleased to see you again as they remember you for the decent person you are and you are the bigger person for going to honour a man you were fond of.
ReplyDeleteA year ago I would not have put it this way because I
felt such a sense of resentment to them for their treatment of you. Sometimes we need time to see things in a new light.
Your the best person to MC the Flower show John and then hand it over to the next person.
I would keep well away!. Why not pay your respects in your own way!. Flowers on his graveside or a gesture giving to others. You and Chris are soon to be divorced. Keep the memories precious but memories are not a funeral . Huggs xx Jac x
ReplyDeleteGo if you can John. I suspect that if you don't, you will forever regret it.
ReplyDeleteDo what feels right John.
ReplyDeleteJohn, as you say you want to pay your own private respects to someone you were close to and also as Chris has confirmed he has no objections that it would be more than alright to do so. After all "relationships" are a very personal thing. That is what funerals are about from my perspective paying respects to someone you liked, showing indirect support to family members: celebrating that person's life and memories. There is no right or wrong way. You are not there to cause a problem just to pay your respects and as then as you have said disappear quietly into the congregation. People just do not know what to do when there is a split and an awful lot of animosity arises out of that which is unnecessary never minding the fact that the people raising objections are foisting their issues on you. After all it is about your relationships. I would go. Just be you John and do what you need to do always for the right reasons and always for the greater good. Best not to have any regrets. Pattypan xx
ReplyDeleteOkay wadding in late here
ReplyDeleteDid Richard contact you since the breakup, befoŕe he got ill,to ask if you were okay/did you need anything/here's a fiver to help with the animals type thing etc.
If he was a good support in a private way then go.
If not, why not buy something new for the garden and a glass of that vino you had with him.
Sit in the garden and remember.
No angst, no drama, no shit.
Tess xx
The Funeral... since you had a relationship with your FIL I'd suggest you attend to pay your last respects, it sounds like you want to. Celebration of the Life of someone is a very personal and often important thing to do if we can attend. It's so much worse when you simply cannot and really wanted to be there.
ReplyDeleteJohn, you must do what you feel is right in your heart x
ReplyDeletedefinitely go. you cared about him and want to pay your respects. I think you would regret not going. good luck.
ReplyDeleteI have a lot I want to say and it has been said in many different posts here.
ReplyDeleteBUT You state "It's all very silly as all there ensure that my potential presence will not be a source of discomfort for anyone and Chris is happy at my request to attend." Maybe some people want to see you and speak to you. Just be prepared for that possibility and for it to be a roller coaster of emotions and take care of you.
XO
yes, the last paragraph. richard was your friend.
ReplyDeleteHe was
Delete