I'm going into the hospice to complete paperwork
But I thought coffee and some light reading was in order
Has anyone of you had this conversation?
But I thought coffee and some light reading was in order
Has anyone of you had this conversation?
this year spouse and I had wills, powers of attorney, and advance directives drawn up and signed. I'm 65 this year, he is 60. it's that time to do so.
ReplyDeleteI need to review my will. The divorce necessitates that
DeleteI really wish my daughter would duscuss my death, but she won't. I intend giving her an envelope with everything in it. All is in order, but if she already has it, she's much more likely to be able to find it. I don't cone from a long lived family so I needto know that everything is sorted.
ReplyDeleteWhat about the type of funeral unwant can u leave more info
DeleteI want a direct cremation, all that info will be in the pack along with where I want my ashes scattering, who needs notifying etc, along with policies and my will. I just hadn't considered power of attorney and perhaps I should, but that will definitely necessitate a discussion because I would want that to be daughter, hmmn!
DeleteMy dad got sick and the first day after diagnosis my brother and I asked him what he wanted to happen. It was good to know his wishes as he only lived a further six weeks, and was too sick at the end to help us.
DeleteBest conversation we ever had. You should take your daughter on a drive and tell her. That way she knows.
Good luck.
Probably not the most popular dinner conversation, however, certainly one that needs to occur at some point in a person's life! I have all my paperwork done and those who require a copy, has one!
ReplyDeleteHopefully we shall all survive the 4th of July!
I have witnessed so may families that have not discussed anything
DeleteWe had the most basic of wills drawn up in our early 50's, just prior to going on a big trip overseas. From watching the insanity that happens when powers of attorney have to take over, we will be making that decision very, very carefully. The more detail and precision that a person can put into their plans, I think, the better for those involved. -Jenn
ReplyDeleteI only made a will when we bought a house...
DeleteJenn, you are very wise to think carefully who you give Power of Attorney to. First and foremost they need to understand what that privilege means. It does not mean they can do whatever they want. The decisions they make have to be in the best interests of the person. My sister had power of attorney for my mom and she went wild. She authored two wills and had mom sign them, she cashed in assets, she transferred $100,000 to her son-in-laws bank account when mom took ill two days before Christmas claiming mom had "forgotton" her cheque book. Mom's three children and three grandchildren each received a little over $16,000 as a Christmas gift. But...mom had never, ever given us that much at Christmas. And then in the following spring she dispersed another $180,000. So instead of her children sharing 10% of mom's estate as stipulated in her will they received half. It took two lawyers and 10 years to settle the estate and caused a rift in the family that will never heal.
DeleteI am never reading going gently before bedtime again!. Woke up in a hot panicky sweat!. Drove bluebell down from north of Scotland to cornwall. To go on a bike run!. I dont drive or have a bike!. Dodging police but tax was in date!. Stayed in b n b but decided best way to get car home was push it on a train!. Go figure. No late night going gently for me!. XJacx
ReplyDeleteYes, but not enough. I think that my husband may actually secretly believe he's immortal and he's not as apt to discuss death as I am. I think it's a fascinating subject and it's as much a part of our existence as life. Just because we don't know what happens on the other side of it (If anything) doesn't mean we should be so terrified to even think of it.
ReplyDeleteI have always discussed what funeral I wanted
DeleteTom has ipf a terminal lung disease so the subject of death is uppermost in our minds. We have lots of discussions and know what we have to deal with but its still not easy.
ReplyDeleteBriony
x
No it's never easy....
DeleteActually, quite a lot over the past couple of years...
ReplyDeleteI'll cry at your funeral
DeleteSomewhat. I have two daughters. One is responsible, one is not. So I have discussed my final wishes, that I did not want family to waste money with a service, just cremate and toss me somewhere warm. She said she was uncomfortable with the conversation but went along as I showed her where the insurance paperwork, power of attorney, etc., are located. Now that I've got that out of the way, I'd just better go before she does because otherwise such a bruhaha will be left behind that I won't be able to rest in peace.
ReplyDeleteIf you are as clear as you can , you minimise the bun fights that often follow a death
Deletei talk about death so often that my kids just roll their eyes. i have everything planned out.
ReplyDeleteA real pro
DeleteWell we've done the Wills and other paperwork (required as we're old and travel often) but our family dynamic has changed quite drastically in the past couple of years. May have to consider meeting with our lawyer and re-doing them. . . . . . time consuming, expensive, and personally I'd just like to leave it all to the local animal shelter - they are far more deserving!
ReplyDeleteLol
DeleteI talk about death easily, perhaps it comes from having worked in a hospice for a year. I can quite happily talk about my death or other peoples before the even. Make plans etc ... it's obviously much harder immediately afterwards.
ReplyDeleteI'm my experience if you are candid, everyone else becomes candid
DeleteLynette and I just had our Wills done last week.
ReplyDeleteDid you leave me anything?
DeleteMy mum has decided her solicitor has power of attourney. Fine her choice. But keeps saying to me n sis no matter what i stay at home no nursing home. We just say out of our hands depends on your solicitor not us!. She does not get it!. Just wanted no stress on us.jacx
ReplyDeleteI think I will revise my will but still walk onto the ice floes when it's my time
DeleteYep i will stagger up to the Acropolis in Athens!. See the fab view then nighty nite. Will have poor sods on standby to drag me down n ship me home!. Reality will prob get hit by a no 11 bus! Tho jac x
DeleteYou should never ever give power of attorney to a solicitor. They often charge thousands of pounds. If there's any value here (e.g. a house) she should grant powers to you. We had power of attorney for my mother-in-law and it really was not difficult. We were later executors and handled all that too. It's perfectly feasible to get your head round it.
DeleteYes i know but mum does not get it at all!. What she wants her choice. Yep a house involved but outwith our control she is adamant solicitor because they will do it right! And will not stress sis n me. Brought up the subject with her last year and she went in the huff. So not worth bringing it up again .Jac x
DeleteNever. And I think it’s something that should be more openly discussed.
ReplyDeleteXoXo
You need to sit your loved ones down
DeleteWe don't talk about it too much but for some reason I like to read about it. You can learn so much. I just finished The Art of Dying Well by Katy Butler. Oh boy...lots of good info.
ReplyDeleteI saw that book today, should have bought it
DeleteDone and dusted. I've never had a problem talking about death as I'm a nurse and have seen a lot. DH isn't upset by any medical talk or such as he's used to it from my conversations over the last 47+ years.
ReplyDeleteThe boys just hope we've sold a ton of stuff before we shuffle off this mortal coil and they're right. We should do that.
You'll be great at this new job, John. They were wise to hire you.
Hugs!
Thank you x
DeleteYes, but not enough, when my time has come, let me go
ReplyDeleteGot no one to talk to about it, 'cept my big sis on the phone, herself now 80. Have done nothing 'bout my own disposal, ideally wanting a funeral-less departure (essential!) and to be minced up and used as cat food.
ReplyDeleteMaybe leave your body to the local zoo.
DeleteNow THAT's a thought. But I don't want to go out without first being checked that their aren't any anti-animal toxins in me. It wouldn't do to give my devourers tummy ache. :-)
DeleteMy husband and I had talked about these things often, even before he became ill with Alzheimer's. It did help a lot at the end that I was very clear about what he wanted. His oldest sister who worked in a related field urged us to do this and I've always been grateful.
ReplyDeleteWithout mentioning anything to me, my husband took care of everything, as he did throughout our marriage.
ReplyDeleteSo he is still taking care of me, I just wish he was here.
And we both spoke of what we wanted and that was done.
ReplyDeleteAm tempted to put an addition to my living will: 'I want John Gray to be my nurse. He will help me to die laughing'.
ReplyDeleteI was reading about the wise women and healers who (before they were persecuted as witches) were there to guide the dying as they crossed over to death, and I thought of you. You're going to be wonderful in this new job. xx
We've had the discussion, made our wills and both know what the other wants, all four of my kids have copies of everything.
ReplyDeleteWell sorted
DeleteI've made my will and even appointed someone (a professional person) that will execute my will and clear out my house.
ReplyDeletehttps://fiveinvitations.com
ReplyDeleteA great book by Frank Ostaseski, the founder of buddhist hospices.
My husband & I had discussed what we wanted done and very sadly, he died of a massive coronary 2 weeks ago....
ReplyDeleteThird will is done and all I need to do is read it and sign it. It is very complicated. le sigh
ReplyDeleteparsnip x
We have updated our wills and we each know what the other wants as far as 'end of life' parameters. What we need to do is actually write all those down what we want and don't want......who knows what may pop up.
ReplyDeleteJimbo x
DeleteEverything my husband did,buy a car, a house,stocks etc,was also put in my name.
ReplyDeleteWhen he died there were just some signatures required for certain paperwork.
Right to the end he thought of me and took care of me.
You were well matched
DeleteHubs and I have talked about various schemes... Running away in a camper and having a last hurrah before ending it together on the beach somewhere is number one at the moment... We've talked more realistically as well. My mom has organized everything for when her time comes, *everything*... Grave site bought, directives and will, person to help with the house contents, executor, all no doubt in a file neatly bound into a decoratively painted binder... Bless her!
ReplyDeletePerhaps we should all hide away under bushes like cats
DeleteI've made it clear that I don't want a funeral or expensive coffin. Just chuck my ashes in the garden and go out for a boozy meal afterwards. My only request is to be dressed in a leopard print velour tracksuit before they put me in a cardboard box. (Have you noticed that afternoon tv is all about adverts for funeral planning and incontinence pads?)
ReplyDeleteLol and life insurance
DeleteWell, we talked a lot about death when our boys died. Most stuff is already settled, we have a place in graveyard, it's for nine people's ashes, but because sons were cremated together, as they lived, there's still room for eight more people. And that settles a lot, because it requires cremation, not burials.
ReplyDeleteOf course a lot has changed since, maybe most important thing is that my oldest one can't support himself, he's special needs. But I really need to sort out my belongins, mostly stuff no-one else in my family would want (gardening, crafting, books), I think someone would pay something for them.
My husband knows exactly what I want when it comes to my death, so does my middle daughter. I don't mind dying, not a fan but it's a forgone conclusion, but I don't want to suffer, not mentally or physically. One thing I do want is for everyone to tell a dirty joke at my funeral. I love dirty jokes and it'll probably cheer everyone up:)
ReplyDeleteWhere do women have shirt dark curly hair?
DeleteAFRICA
My favorite because it includes religion, sex and I get to do an accent.
DeleteJohn O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
Often, here.
ReplyDeleteWe had a living trust drawn up last year. But, we need to tighten plans up for end of life.
ReplyDeleteNot over dinner. In Yorkshire, as you probably know, we call dinner tea.
ReplyDeleteThe wife and I did basically the same as "anne marie in philly". We go in and review it every 3-5 yrs. So far we have changed nothing. Reviewing makes sense to us for many reasons.
ReplyDeleteI need to get mine sorted
DeleteOnce done it is quite worth the effort. Best of luck,and I enjoyed your posts from Spain.
DeleteI have an advance decision and also a long list of things \i don't wish to be treated for. All the necessary papers sit on the dresser in the hall in a yellow envelope so that should The ambulance come the men would see the envelope instantly (it is an official one issued by the N H S).i am a Humanist so only require the minimum of fuss at a 'funeral' and hopefully everything is settled properly. My solicitor and my son have copies of everything so fingers crossed.
ReplyDeleteI'll come to your funeral
DeleteRemember to get someone to email us all details x
Yep, left full instructions as follows, cardboard coffin with a nice small bunch of red roses and white lily-of-the-valley flowers. Straight to the crem with no poncey service but l do want to 'go out' with Riders on the Storm by The Doors playing.
ReplyDeleteLeast money spent as possible, why should strangers profit from my death?
Tess x
Oh yes, forgot this bit, ashes scattered over Highbury Fields in North London.
ReplyDeleteSpent many happy times there as a child and then with my own children!
Tess x
Everyone should have a pre funeral payment plan much much cheaper
DeleteA conversation I have been trying to have for some time. My partner refuses to make a will or discuss the issue. I have managed to winkle out of him that he wants to be cremated, but virtually nothing else. If it can be arranged I would like an eco-funeral myself. No coffin, no headstone but a tree at my head.
ReplyDeleteGet him drunk then ask him
DeleteI don't want a funeral as such straight to the crematorium and I love the idea to go out with the song Riders on the Storm as suggested by Anony Mous.
ReplyDeleteI'm gradually clearing the house of clutter by selling stuff that my daughter does not want a few things a week use the money for dinner out or a theatre ticket
and I must admit the house looks better with less in it I only have one worry I hope the dog dies before I do.
Bake and shake. If they want a memorial the must play One Step Closer to Knowing U2. Because I truly will be one step closer
ReplyDeleteLove it
DeleteIt seems a lot of people around my age do not have wills drawn up. We do. My mother is a hospice volunteer. I am sure her affairs are in order, but she's not said anything to me about it other than to not let my sister be in charge of anything. Oi vey.
ReplyDeleteSiblings after the death of a parent! To many it's like a lit firework
DeleteWe have had the discussion, made a will. As my husband is currently waiting (and waiting) for a major operation for cancer, we are trying to focus on living in the moment.
ReplyDeleteFingers crossed and best wishes to hubby
DeleteThank you!
DeleteJoan Bakewell makes a good living from that these days. I hope she leaves it all to me. Dead man's totty.
ReplyDeleteShe looks like your sort of woman
DeleteI wouldn't have said no 40 years ago.
DeleteAnd she wouldn't have said yes.
DeleteMy friend wants the music, " Ding dong, the witch is dead" at her funeral.
ReplyDeleteThat's been banned from many crematoriums in the uk
DeleteApart from Margaret Thatcher's.
DeleteMy mother at 89 has been sorting her paperwork out for years as doesn't wish me to be stressed which I will be without doubt. We discussed her funeral on a coach trip once....
ReplyDeleteIt seems to cost so much however simple.
I've told my loved ones what music I want at my funeral, Simple Minds, " Don't you forget about me " and Kirsty Mc Call, " Days "
I want the South African anthem
DeleteI have power of attorney for a family friend and I will also be her executor. It's a big deal. I'm not sure I remember everything she has told me about the practicalities and I'm not at all sure I would know when to "pull the plug".
ReplyDeleteShe tells me she wants no extreme measures but I have seen older people become very ill and then recover to live several more years.....
I've also written my own will. About 12 months ago I got this idea that if anything happened to me, my husband might throw our young adults out of the house. I tried to write my will to prevent that scenario (the law doesn't allow for what I wanted) and funnily enough, he tried to throw us all out while I was still truly alive
Hummm complicated eh
DeleteDo you remember the great scene, towards the end of "Blood Simple", one of the Cohen bros first films.....Emmett Walsh, He'dd been shot through a bathroom door by a young women, thinking he was someone else.....she yelled "I'm not afraid of you anymore _______". He was laying on his back, dying. He grinned up at the underside of the basin works. "I'll tell him if I see him."
ReplyDeleteI want my ashes buried under a rose although if my pups are still around they might dig me up, which is OK with me. I really don't want a funeral just a get together of the kids in the sunshine while they dispose of me. They all know my end of life views.
ReplyDeleteWhen my husband died 3 years ago everything had been discussed and we knew each other's wishes.
ReplyDeleteLess trauma for me at the time as it is already a stressful time.
I love talking about my death plans. I'm only 50 but bought my plot 2 years ago next to my parents. Everyone should read Being Mortal by Atul Gawande.
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely...it's a conversation everyone should have.
ReplyDeleteYes. I had that conversation when I was diagnosed with highly aggressive stage 3 breast cancer. It was a conversation that my children didn't want to have. So I had it again with a close friend who is the head nurse at a senior citizens home. She has my medical power of attorney. Generally, people don't seem to want to talk about the subject.
ReplyDeleteits an easier conversation to have when its in the abstract when its staring you in the face a lot harder I know from experience with my Dad
ReplyDeleteYes, we have. I’m grateful it’s so easy for us to discuss, although the reason for that is because we had so much loss piled up for a while — at an age when we hadn’t expected so much — that we decided we couldn’t avoid the conversation.
ReplyDeleteum yes in the context of lets try and achieve some goals before we drop dead unexpectedly, then last year I had an investigation to rule out stomach cancer - all clear - but very scary and was a big wake up call as you suddenly think of all the things you want to do, say, experience, how tidily you will leave the planet, what you can give to those left behind, etc., it was emotional. When my mother was repeatedly carted into hospital due to gangrene in her foot and toes were become frequently amputated I had the unpleasant decision of opting for do not resuscitate as she kept refusing meds/food; it came to be carried through - these are grown up decisions and the majority of us don't want to face them but when we do it makes us all the stronger and means we live the life we have (left) more thoroughly and, hopefully, more kindly - kindness is king. I hope that if I want to exit the world when I am old decrepit and in pain someone will enablel me to leave with dignity. My father died of cancer and wanted very much to choose when he died, he believed in voluntary euthanasia, I think in those circumstances, so do I.
ReplyDeleteDeath is underrated
ReplyDeleteI try to talk about Death all the time making it as aware and matter of fact as anything else. This makes things prepared and keeps us on our toes to keep Life well.
ReplyDelete