I once ended a friendship after a friend publically insulted his partner at a dinner party.
It was a moment that proved to be uncomfortable all round and one that was incredibly reminiscent of that scene in Jane Austen's Emma, where Emma Woodhouse belittles the poor Miss Bates at a picnic gathering much to the shock of all present.
In the novel Emma is rebuked by her suitor Mr Knightly which causes her much shame and to this day I wish I had said something at the time.
There is a saying that one swallow doesn't make a summer, and so I was aware that the insult could have been just a misjudged out-of-the-blue comment.but the venom of the rebuke was so graphic I suddenly felt that I had seen the true character of my friend and it coloured by feelings for him a second after I had heard it.
This was twenty years ago, and I still felt I should have said " Badly Done ..." at the time and so when I received a Christmas message from this former friend just two weeks ago I deleted it without a reply
" Some things that are said.....cannot be unsaid"
Jphn friendship is very important to me and always has been; maybe moreso since I lost my dear farmer but I have always valued friends. I also have to trust them implicitly - and i assume they feel the same about me. Any bad apple in the barrel has to be removed. Life is too short otherwise as far as I am concerned, so I feel as you do.
ReplyDeletePeople aren't apples.
DeleteIf I end a friendship, i feel sad about it. it is never a reason to boast about it.
Adie
Earlier this year I left the walking group that I had started after some of the members completely snubbed a couple of regulars. The lady in the couple that was snubbed has dementia and the behaviour of some of the members in the walking group was unforgiveable. I made it perfectly clear why I was no longer taking part in the group... I walk with a friend now and won't be starting any more walking groups. I think that sometimes it is necessary to make a stand.
ReplyDeleteI like the expression 'one swallow doesn't make a summer'. I can't stand to hear someone being belittled. Sadly, my father would bad-mouth his wife (whom I didn't particularly like in front of me). I stuck up for her & would tell him to knock it off. -little good it did.
ReplyDeleteI hope you don't feel insulted, John, but your spelling error:'pubically' insulted made me laugh out loud. I wonder how that is done?! Haha. I hope you're having a good day.
ReplyDeletePeople do sometimes reveal their true character by saying something remarkably abusive or prejudiced. And as you say, you go off that person instantly.
ReplyDeleteWe all can act like Emma Woodhouse...she at least showed some remorse for her words....
DeleteJohn, I agree with you. Life is too short to deal with this sort of behavior. I always wonder if it made me feel that uncomfortable how must the recipient must have felt. So sad, that people just can't be quiet and kind.
ReplyDeleteLoving you and the fur babies from afar...LOL
Joyce in Indiana
You received a message from a friend (dismissed) twenty years AFTER the event? And deleted it? Didn't respond to it. Wow, you sure are the kind forgiving kind that you and your readers congratulate themselves on. Seriously, John, are you kidding me? What does it take to break through your barrier?
ReplyDeleteNever mind. I wish you a good 2019 and may you forgive me (before you delete me) for approaching you once more.
U
You know nothing of what went on.
DeleteComment once more and I shall delete you as quickly I did the message mentioned in the blog entry
Oh no the bad penny turns up yet again. What a waste of space she is.
DeleteClear off Ursula, John has had enough to deal with without you sticking your oar in again. Have some sympathy and leave him alone.
No problem anonymous
DeleteShe doesn't bother me, just bores me
The next comment if it comes will just be deleted without a second thought
Forgiveness is one of the very best human traits. All of us stray from our best versions of ourselves. Of course I don't know the full circumstances that created that unpleasant moment but on the face of it, I would like to think that I could find a pearl of forgiveness in my heart.
ReplyDeleteForgiveness, a gift that one gives to oneself.
DeleteI left the Sketch Group when I returned home from Lisbon for a reason not to go into here, but similar. Sometimes it just has to be thus.
ReplyDeleteI finally ended a toxic friendship three years ago when one snub too many made me realise that she didn’t deserve to be my friend. Well done for not replying-I am trying my best to do this more and more, as it confuses people whose motives are not worthy of a response.
ReplyDeleteA glimpse into someone's dark side is a warning as to what might be worse in their behavior. You were wise to back away then and now.
ReplyDeleteBesides, you have LOTS of friend all over the planet, near and far. Oh, I just remembered Grover (Muppet) teaching 'near' and 'far' when our sons were small. :)
Hugs!
I have cut bloggers out of my life that were just the worst humans I've ever seen. yes, they tried to get back into my good graces, but nothing doing. I don't need that shit in my life. you did the right thing by deleting the message.
ReplyDeleteI once abruptly ended a relationship with a very long term friend when she publicly and casually insulted her husband in the middle of his birthday celebration. It was so cutting, that I just couldn't forgive it and never spent any time in her company again. What she did wasn't new, just more blatant than in the past. Made me realize that I had been overlooking that kind of behavior for years, and I wasn't going to overlook it one more time. Unfortunately I never told her why, just walked away-but I never regretted losing that so called friend. I completely understand your reaction.
ReplyDeleteYes my thoughts almost exactly mirrored yours for all of the same reasons...
DeleteOh my this is something on my mind right now. I have a situation where I really want to tell someone why I no longer wish to work with them, but I also feel that putting it in words will cause hurt and not change, and change is what I am hoping for. My constant dilemma - I want to be forthright but respectful, but here in Passive Aggressive HQ of NZ, this is not easy!
ReplyDeleteJohn - I just remembered a saying a friend used to quote which really applies to your friend that day:
ReplyDeleteThree things never return - the spent arrow, the lost opportunity and the spoken word.
Sometimes you just have to rid yourself of that bad energy. I'd have done the same thing.
ReplyDeleteJohn, you have every right to feel the way you wish about anything. Whether you said anything or not to the 'ex-friend'is of no consequence.....he was in the wrong, not you.
ReplyDeleteYes , it’s funny how you reach a tipping point with some people and their behaviour . As I get older , I am more likely to distance myself from people and behaviour I don’t like. I don’t need it in my life , and neither do you x
ReplyDeleteAfter years of being bullied and demeaned but in a subtle fashion (if you know what I mean), nothing too 'outy' but knew the 'back-handed' sarcastic comments, I got the opportunity after a half-hearted apology and said 'too little, too late'. I have never regretted my words. You have done no wrong at all and have dealt with this appropriately.
ReplyDeleteI used to give people three strikes and they're out. But over the years what I noticed is, those people who got one strike always inevitably went on to earn the second and third, and I figured.. who has that kind of time to waste? Why am I giving these people a second and third chance to kick me in the teeth? So I changed it to one strike and you're out.
ReplyDeleteI do not regret this policy at all. It has saved me wasting time on people unworthy of it, and allowed me to focus my time and energy on people who do deserve that kind of investment.
If it happens in a workplace, after that first strike I will be perfectly polite. They'd never know I've written them off as a human being entirely. But I don't trust them, I don't spend a single moment around them longer than I need to, and I don't share anything private with them at all. All they get is "work me".
As Maya Angelou said to Oprah - when someone shows you who they are, believe them.
Having said that, after all this time I would be more than happy to let someone contacting me know exactly why I walked away from them. While it won't change how I feel about them, it might make them change how they treat others in the future. :)
Sometimes I don't have the energy to forgive
DeleteI was forever giving people a second chance because I thought it was the right thing to do. Then one day I realized I couldn't do that any more and I didn't have to have that person in my life if I chose not to. Just a couple of months ago a colleague told me "crazy K" had been in touch with her (after 25 years) and I just said to watch out and told her not to bring her anywhere near me. She had been fired from our place of employment and was a complete user and nutter. She used people as a place to stay while working temp jobs (food and rent provided - muggins here was one of them but after 4 months I kicked her out) and was the worst sponger I had ever met. True to form, 2 months after the contact with my colleague she wanted a trip to Geneva. My colleague is lovely but her husband said "never again". Guess who got a Christmas card from her this week (again after 25 years). Me! She was "so hoping to be able to show her boys around Geneva". Well dream on buddy. Polite old me would have felt I had to respond. The new me just thinks "buck off my old flower". Life is so much easier when you don't "have" to be polite!
ReplyDeleteYou suddenly sound so... Republican.
ReplyDeleteLmaoooo oh Dave.
DeleteUgh. I can’t with abusive and horrible people. I usually just stop dealing with hem right away. If I can’t, I use the old ‘courtesy of strangers’ approach: only the most necessary contact. But I feel you when you said you felt you needed to say something. It’s happened to me and I still kick myself for not standing for the person being badmouthed or belittled.
ReplyDeleteXoXo
Like I said some things ( not all but some ) can not be unheard.....
DeleteI have a dear friend from childhood who is one of the most genuinely good people I know. Her husband often criticizes her in public, either by saying something outright mean about her figure or by being very sarcastic. I say nothing because I feel that is what my friend wants - she would rather pretend it hasn't been said. Makes for some very uncomfortable moments. And each time it happens I have less respect for this man. Wish I could come up with something good to say in one of those moments which wouldn't harm my friendship but would get the point across.
ReplyDeleteMy husband had a group of friends who all dropped him for the way he spoke about me. Unfortunately they didn't explain to him and the pain of the unexplained rejection didn't help his behaviour.
ReplyDeleteEmma only changed her ways after mr Knightly challenged her
DeleteYes, and with an echo of sadness.
ReplyDeleteRespect is like virginity, once gone, it pretty much stays gone...
ReplyDeleteI'm with you on this.
The best comment of the night x
DeleteA dozen years ago, I dropped an old friend, when I tired of his rudeness, a year ago I connected with him on Facebook and the insults rapidly returned. When his FB account was compromised and he opened a new account, I didn’t refriend. I understand.
ReplyDeleteI never take "I'm sorry,I shouldn't have said that" as a crock. If it wasn't already in your head you wouldn't have said it.
ReplyDeleteYour right John some people need to be told of, I tend to find it easier to stick up for other people than myself but I'm learning.
ReplyDeleteJohn, this is a post I could have written. I had a similar thing happen about 15 years ago. I ended up going out to dinner with the couple after this happened, and I just couldn't get past it. And I tried. My friend who'd said what she did passed away a few years ago, and I never reconciled with her. I just couldn't. And I think if she were still alive and I were to hear from her today, I would do as you did. Even thinking about it today, brings it all back, and I still don't know what I should have said. But I wish I could have found the words to say something.
ReplyDelete