Of all of the mental mechanisms that we all employ to survive the brickbats of daily living, it is transference , that I think is the most common and the most easily recognised if you have a modicum of self awareness.
In the first few days after Finlay died I was a volcano of anger( to those newer readers Finlay was my first Welsh Terrier ). I kept things ticking over until I found myself walking down the high street in nearby Prestatyn. At one narrow point I came face to face with two teenage boys riding their bikes on the pavement and after a short stand off I found myself yelling " YOU DONT RIDE BIKES ON THE PAVEMENT !!"into their astonished faces like a banshee at full moon.
The pressure cooker needed to blow off some steam.
Yesterday, the old transference thing found itself bubbling away on Colwyn Bay Promenade .
I recognised the signs and felt the pressure cooker shaking away.
A bland looking woman with a staffie off it's lead suddenly loomed into view .
The staffie looked good natured but as it spied Mary it's head lifted into that stance that could go either way, so I picked Mary up by the scruff and bounced her onto my forearm.
" It's ok she's friendly!" The woman trilled but I wasn't having any of it as the staffie trotted round me rather too forcibly
" That dog should be on a lead " I said firmly but not rudely
and then the argument started .
The " mind your own business!" comment got my dander up as did the pointed " Little Hitler " reference but I reined it in at the eleventh hour of the row when I just knew I was just about to lose it bigstyle.
Instead of letting off the roar that was inside of me just screaming to get out
I took a deep breath as I lowered Mary to the ground with a dignified sweep of my arm ( the woman had by this time slipped the lead on her dog but was still bumping her gums ) and I pointed downward with well rehearsed practice stating loudly
" Take your dog and your VERY cheap shoes and get lost!"
Ps. It's dry, warm and slightly overcast morning...Ideal for The Flower Show which was originally scheduled for today..hey ho
I'll leave you with something happier
A lovely dancing dentist
What an excellent one liner, you are brilliant. Hope you feel better today.
ReplyDeleteIt's not off the cuff I have used it several times before but not for a while now
Deletebahahahaha! I loved the cheap shoes bit. Good for you. I hate it when people have their dog off the lead and it comes bounding towards you and they say, its ok they just want to play! So, will that be ok then if my dog doesn't want to play and bites your dogs bum to let it know then?? Dogs should be on the lead unless they are very well trained and come to attention of their owner immediately, particularly in a public place. You did good!
ReplyDeleteI'm not a dog person, so when a dog comes bounding up to me, I freeze inside, the owner with a cheery shout, It's OK he's friendly, thinks that's OK. It's not, I avoid walking where the dog walkers go for this reason. Please don't judge me, I was chased by a huge dog when I was 7, and never got over it. Your final comment priceless!!!
ReplyDeleteI so get this. When I was 7 a huge alsation dog bit one of my friends (also 7). We couldn't get the dog off her. The owner then came running after the dog and tried to say it was my friends fault. I avoid dogs if I can. Am ok with my friend's dogs.
DeleteI'm going to chime in as well. I was also chased (and jumped on) by a dog when I was young and I still freeze up when I see a dog roaming free. It's one reason why I hesitate to go for walks or bike rides! I have to really get to know a dog before I am comfortable.
DeleteI know what you mean...my mam,my grandson and me have all had a dog attack us for no reason over the years.It is frightening and the owners just stand there saying..Its only being friendly!.I am taking my Daughters new Labrador puppy out for a walk on Monday and I am already nervous and trying to plan a safe route.Not because Im scared of the puppy...he is adorable....Its the stupid owners who think that its ok for their dog to come charging at us.I will let you know how Ive got on,on Monday...thats if in not in prison,for getting Bloody Angry at these sort of dog owners!!xx
DeleteWe've all had moments like that whether we have a dog or not. For me, I'll spend hours afterwards trying to come up with the perfect one liner to say to the bottom-dweller who belittles my existence.
ReplyDeleteI became very aggressive after my father died, and actually got into a fight by physically throwing someone out of the pub. The 'cheap shoes' jibe seems to be your favourite final repost. It wouldn't work on me though. All my shoes cost £450 a pair.
ReplyDeleteThe woman in questing had dirty canvas espadrilles on , I checked first
DeleteI hope you weren't wearing your crocs!
DeleteFlip flops bought at Tesco
DeleteJohn, I know well the pressure building feeling. I think it was an extension of my life-long anxiety, and many failed attempts at controlling it. (drinking, drugs, and other fun things to which I became addicted - and happily, no longer)
ReplyDeleteStarted the keto diet in January this year, and just like that, anxiety and pressure build up GONE. WTH? I tell as many as I can about it, since so many of us suffer from anxiety, and don't even know that we do.
I'm a dog sitter/walker and would never dream of letting any of the dogs off leash, and am indignant and vocal when others do. Don't know how the dogs will react, don't care to find out. I wear a whistle when I walk them, seems to deter most of them, and alerts their dumb ass owners.
As for shoes - oye = my weakness. You'll never catch me in shoddy shoes. Much love.
I think we all go thru these periods...I know I do! Hope your weekend is a good one. Think of you daily!
ReplyDeleteHow else can we let off steam, make that volcano blow? Too bad others weren't ready to take over the flower show. There are projects I do, that no one is willing to take on, I sometimes wonder (worry) what will happen to them when I move on.
ReplyDeleteYou must feel disappointed and a tad let down that no-one in the village would volunteer to run the Flower Show. So many flocked to enjoy it every year.
ReplyDeleteYou will just have to stay put . . . .
I love the shoddy shoes one-liner - that would definitely upset me!
Rosemary
Oh John, that is priceless!
ReplyDeleteWell done you! Every dog on a public street/thoroughfare should be on a lead - mandatory - no excuses.
ReplyDeleteAnd theres the thing.. you did well to keep your distress under control and sometimes its the obvious things that causes the steam to blow. I hope the woman in question is mindful next time of considering her dog in respect of others and perhaps giving her shoes a clean.. lazy moo!!
I hope the rest of your day was better Elle xx
I once had a dentist who looked kind of like that. He was gay. He was a triathlete. And, sadly, he was an arrogant jerk. ANYWAY... "VERY cheap shoes..." is hilarious and much better than losing your cool. I'll have to remember that... and hope to maintain control at the right time.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean. I am extremely even tempered but after times of stress, I have let fly, probably inappropriately. Once that comes to mind was after we had just bought our last house and with friends who were with us, we went to the Scottish Restaurant for lunch. I let fly at the hopelessness of the place and embarrassed all who were with us. I don't make a habit of such behaviour and I doubt it will happen again.
ReplyDeleteYou need to vent! Find a place in the country, and have at it. I have found that a primordial scream followed by a close-to hysterical cry can do a body good. Whatever you do, please remember you have scads of people who care about you. 💕
ReplyDelete'Bumping her gums' - love it. I am generally polite and respectful but just every once in a while, I lose it ... cold callers are often on the receiving end. I do try not to get personal though.
ReplyDeleteI love the saying .. I stole that from something I heard. But I can't remember where
DeleteHere, in Scotland, we’d say “mumping her gums”. Love a good put down.
DeleteBugger the dogs and the cheap shoes lady ..... let’s have more of the dentist !!!! 🤣🤣🤪 XXXX
ReplyDeleteYes he's rather wonderful isn't he?
DeleteI wish he was my dentist ! XXXX
DeleteI don’t think that anyone else has mentioned the dentist. ...... what does that say about me 😂 🤗 XXXX
DeleteSlag
DeleteIn some quarters of blogland (well, the same quarter) some of my comments are taken as over critical, sarky, indeed bitchy - which is fine; we all see what we want to see. Yet, you'd NEVER catch me do what you above, and Tom in his comment, describe. It's unthinkable to me to have altercations like that. I find people friendly if, sometimes, and it's an important point to ponder on, thoughtless and inconsiderate (which, among others, dog owners often are). Repeat: Thoughtless and inconsiderate. Neither amount to malicious with intent. Most certainly not defused by being pretty "crude" to a stranger yourself, your own personal pressure cooker or not. I literally don't get it.
ReplyDeleteHope you take the above in the spirit it's meant. Not that I am advocating kicking the cat instead. But a good scream in the privacy of your own company (say, in the middle of a field or a forest at dawn) or bashing your fist on the table serve better than taking your frustrations out on strangers, indeed anyone (other than the one who ignited your anger). Keep your dignity - and theirs - intact.
As to the shoes ... sorry, John, that's just cheap. By which I don't mean the shoes.
U
U misread the post....as you so often do. The point of it was that I didn't lose my temper due to the transference of emotions , I didn't lose it because I have self awareness .I disagreed with her and it was she not I that became abusive .
DeleteCalling me Hitler etc. She also swore but I omitted this fact.....
My final response was a product of this not my inability to control myself .
Believe me I controlled myself very well and gave her my final words right between the eyes as a result of her behaviour.
Do you GET IT. Now?
I. Don't think it's cheap either, actually your very wrong there, it's incredibly funny and forgive me to say wrong footing
DeleteGosh, how wonderful it must be to be Saintly, just like Ursula! Someone pass me a vomit bag! X
DeleteI "misread your post ... as [I] so often do", you say. Maybe I did. Same difference.
DeleteYour first paragraph refers to "transference". Let's assume I "misread" your post and you did NOT employ "transference" in your encounter with said woman. Then, I am sorry, John, you were jus rude with no excuse whatsoever.
I do maintain that even if people tell you to "mind your own business" and give you the Hitler spiel, it is entirely up to you how you react. You got onto her level - in fact with that shoe remark you got onto the helpless level of a two or three year old (except then it's funny) when they say: "You, you, you ... (pause whilst thinking of appropriate insult) you are SO TALL" (or something).
I am pretty combative as you know, but you choose your opponents wisely - not just lay into someone possibly short of a penny to rub two together.
All I know, from experience, that to DEfuse those, face to face, situations with volatile potential it's best to stay sweetness and light. Takes the wind out of their sails; saves you a lot of adrenaline pumping through your veins. In the words of the Angel: "Mama, you are so accommodating of even ...., it's a miracle no one has punched you yet." :)
Still, you do it your way, John; I do it my way. Let's compare results another time.
U
As to your second comment to me, John, according to you I am not only "wrong", I am "very wrong". Let's not say I am knowingly undersold.
DeleteWhether something is "funny" is in the eyes of the beholder (ask Tom).
Some may find that "shoe" funny, I didn't.
U
Indeed, Col, it is wonderful to be saintly. Look at what happened to St Ursula.
Delete"Vomit bag"? Commiserations on your delicate digestive system. Send me the bill.
U
Well I did think you were wrong....
DeleteWe will have to agree to differ
It is all right Ursula
DeleteTraveller
I have to admit I read it as Ursula did and thought you were the one with transference.
DeleteI'm about to get orthopaedic bloody shoes so you will have to think of a different insult for me because they are far from cheap
I'm a very quiet person but sometimes that pressure cooker just has to let off steam. I don't mean to make people cry but I just can't help it. More often I just go down the hill to a secluded lake and scream a bit at the ducks.
ReplyDeleteWhy DO people think that rules don't apply to them? And WHY do they feel it is alright to be rude when called on it?
ReplyDeleteExactly....and get surprised when they get what they've given
DeleteJohn you are the master of the one-liner (or in this case two liner.)
ReplyDeleteAll stolen from others weave, all stolen from others
DeleteThere are probably a lot of us that vent our anger about our being hurt on someone responsible for our pets safety being threatened. There were a couple of times I was quite rude about it, yet felt no remorse because they were wrong and needed to be told off or they would have gone on repeating their lack of consideration for others. I hope thinking about what you said at least gives you some comic relief , it's hilarious :) ! - Mary
ReplyDeleteI think u have misread the post too. I didn't rant at the woman cos I needed to let off steam. I recognised that I could have done and reined it in to something more appropriate
DeleteI understood that you had reined it in and not ranted at her. I just confessed to my own rants as a way to say I understood your feelings.
DeleteThe 'cheap shoes' quip always wins.
ReplyDeleteand I know I'm right because Ursula thinks it a cheap jibe!
DeleteWho cares ....
DeleteTwo things, what's a staffie? Are cheap shoes a bad thing? All of my shoes are cheap and comfortable. That way I can have them in a lot of different colors to match my equally cheap outfits :)
ReplyDeleteSide note: I would love to hear you rant in that lovely voice and accent of yours!
1 staffie s are powerful little dogs . Terriers that have high energy and can be aggressive if not socialised well. In the wrong hands they can be fighters.
Delete2 of course not , look at my crocs . But when some woman is being abusive it can be a great way to deflate her
CROCS? Gasp! Does Mistress Maddie know?
DeleteShhhhhhhshhhhhush
DeleteSeveral of the neighbors on my street have a bad habit of letting their little dogs out of their front doors to run around off leash and if we happen to walk by with our dogs, they ALWAYS try to attack. I resent the hell out of these neighbors because one of these days, one of their little ankle biter dogs is going to get seriously hurt by one of our (big) dogs. When we walk ours we have to be extra vigilant and often we'll just turn around and walk the other way if we see a dog out that's off leash. It makes me so mad that I've considered knocking on some of these folks' doors and telling them off.
ReplyDeleteOuch!!!
ReplyDeleteI stole it from someone else so be my guest
ReplyDeleteYou could always tell the other dog’s owner that Mary would savage their dog into hamburger. It’s for their own protection!
ReplyDeleteWhat shoes were you wearing? I usually look homeless.
WOW! And I thought my dentist was hot. I too am in the process of carefully teaching myself the Kiki dance. I say carefully because the last dance craze ended up with my throwing a hip out. THAT took a year for my 74 year old body to get back to normal.
ReplyDeleteWe've all had those boil-over moments, and as you said, often not about the thing that actually makes us boil over.
ReplyDeleteI'm of two minds about the leash thing, because I often walk Olga off the leash. But if I see someone coming toward me, particularly someone who seems wary of Olga, I'll leash her up. It's only common courtesy. A dog may be friendly but that doesn't mean it will always react well to another dog.
You walk in woods and fields I doubt you let Olga free on a public promenade
DeleteJohn, I belong to a closed Facebook group for dental hygienists. I retired from that profession in 1996 but it's fun to join in the conversation with the younger ones who are dealing with the same stuff I did. This video of the dancing dentist was a HUGE hit with that group. Me included! Nothing like a good looking man who has a sense of rhythm, if you get my drift.
ReplyDeleteHe has an easy manner and fantastic moves
DeleteIt’s situations, as the one you found yourself in, that can cause this pressure cooker bubble up. You showed great control in my opinion and the shoes quip was well deserved, considering her insults. It must be wonderful to control ones emotions by screaming in fields or thumping tables, but unrealistic in the real world. Oh, and the dreamy dancing dentist..…he can examine my cavities any time!
ReplyDeleteOpen wide!
DeleteI've had a verbal attack several times by women when I said ''you're dog should Really be on a lead''if they have shown signs of intimidation.They have aggressively shouted some nonsense where I thought it best to move on.I expect the trollop will be troubled by her choice of footwear now forever-good for you John x
ReplyDeleteWe have a larger dog and take her camping with us. She is never loose. I really resent when others let their dogs roam free to defecate in our campsite, eat our dog's food and water and generally cause havoc. They always say the same thing "oh, our dog is friendly"...like that makes it perfectly ok to ignore the campground rules and be an ass. I am trying to perfect a comeback, but it usually sounds lame. I was brought up to say nothing if you can't say something nice, but as I get older, I am getting tired of all the bs and I am tired of idiots...
ReplyDeleteBarb from Canada
I've been on my feet all day, not wearing cheap shoes, it was incredibly hot and I've been pleasant to customers all day. Thank you for the laugh xx
ReplyDeleteYou just mentioned two of my major pet peeves - guaranteed to set me off - cyclists on the sidewalks (they are a major menace here in Toronto and any complaints are met with a lot of rude, sanctimonious replies) and people who allow their dogs off leash when the law is VERY clear about this. I restrained myself while at High Park one day (which has a huge off leash area available) by asking the owner for his autograph and acting all excited. When he finally bit and asked me what I was talking about I replied that he MUST be someone very famous & special since the rules obviously didn't apply to him! There were other people around and they all burst out laughing so all he could do was put the dog on the leash and slink away!
ReplyDeleteLol,Margie,I will remember that one!!!.xx
DeleteWhen I was first married to my husband and we lived in NYC , he introduced me to all of his friends. Some with names that many people would recognize and some that were "Drag Queens" ... who eventually were the Aunts of my new baby.
ReplyDeleteOur gay friend was walking down the street one day and a woman with her "girl"friend were walking by and the one woman said to her friend, "Look Mabel, a Fairy "....
And your friend turned around and stood there and looked at her.
Then he said , Madam, IF I were a fairy, I would whip out my wand and give you a better nose job.
The he waltzed away ...
That is supposed to be OUR friend not Your friend lol
DeleteIf you like the dentist be sure to check out Dr ranj Singh on the cbeebies program, Be happy, be healthy.
ReplyDeleteMy gay son drools over him.....as do I.😀
His mouth is way too big!
DeleteAll shoes are cheaper than yours, John. Especially when confronting a fool.
ReplyDeleteStrange as it may seem , I've never owned an expensive pair
DeleteI bet she'll never wear those shoes again!
ReplyDeleteConfrontation makes me quake, so I can never think of a comeback when I need it. Three hours later I could blister 'em though.
As a wearer of cheap shoes I winced. And am glad you found a relatively safe place to release some steam.
ReplyDeleteHow did you know the woman's shoes were cheap? I guess you must be an expert in the prices of women's shoes. It's a bit like train spotting. I guess there are websites and everything.
ReplyDeleteI'm gay , we gays have a natural bent for knowing an expensive shoe at 100 feet
DeleteGood for you! I can picture it in my head (and hear you too since we've heard your voice in that post, ha!)
ReplyDeleteIf my dentist looked like that, I'd go more often! ;-)
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteWho cares anyway
DeleteWhat!? How rude.
DeleteGASP!!! O.O You criticized a woman's shoes! Sometimes you go too far John Grey, just too far!!! That's worse than saying her child is ugly!
ReplyDeleteI've said that too
DeleteI know the feeling of "boiling up inside and waiting to blow" - and know after long experience, that if I don't do something to defuse the tension someone will get scalded, and I'll probably regret it.
ReplyDeleteGood on you for coping so well. Your jibe at her was perfect.
I was really really really annoyed the other day. A woman sent in a nit picking, advising me, no telling me comment about what I should be doing. I almost exploded with rage. I was in two minds whether to let rip on the blog again, as she obviously didn't get the message the last time.
ReplyDeleteIt was late at night and I thought, no, sleep on it. Next day I calmly deleted her comment and thought that's it, she will never get any of her comments published ever again.
My “pressure cooker” seldom explodes . . .
ReplyDeleteWhen it does though . . . it is a great release!
(I tried to leave several comments yesterday but some “glitch” kept me out! Let’s see how today goes.)
John I had a bad experience while out walking my dogs a few years ago. A man who had his alsation dog off lead told me "dont worry she is friendly", no sooner had the words left his mouth then the dog suddenly charged towards one of my dogs. It was only my quick reaction by kicking out at her that a horrible incident was avoided. No owner should trust their dogs with other dogs as there is always the one that they meet where they might for reasons unknown to us take a dislike to and try to attack them. John you were right to point out to her that her dog should be on a lead. I must also mention that I didn't actually hurt the dog as my foot never touched her, she had become frightened by my kicking action hence ran back to her owner
ReplyDeleteI like to think I could stand my ground in an argument, but if someone hit me with the cheap shoe comment I think I would be floored!
ReplyDeleteThat shoes comment makes me laugh every time.
ReplyDeleteI am a dog lover and it amazes me how many people believe THEIR dog is the magical unicorn that will happily trot along without the possibility of their instincts kicking in.
You know how people use statistics for everything? Like, 1 in 10 or 5 out of 7, well that applies to everything, including dog bites. Someone has to be the one that gets mauled or bitten. People need to leash their animals.
Having become a victim in a dog fight trying to rescue my leashed dog from 4 unleashed dogs who initially pretended to be harmless — it ain’t no fun. I still carry bite scars on my buttocks and back of one leg. Then there’s the bite my dog accidentally took of my finger when i was trying to pick her up. I’m lucky they didn’t go for my face. Examined her when we got home and she wasn’t hurt a bit. I was bleeding with fleshy bites requiring doctor care. You done right admonishing that woman!
ReplyDelete