Thursday, 1 March 2018

Stupid is as Stupid does....

Dumb and dumber

Many hens won't walk on snow.
I don't blame them really
But when, at the end of the day, they refuse to return to the safety and warmth of a hen house because  their feet are cold , well they can become right little pains in the arse.
Last night around ten pm and in sub zero temperatures
I tried to cajole the bachelors from the top of the hen house roof.
Using the only thing to hand ( the kitchen mop) I managed to get them off the roof only to have them crash land in the two separate neighbours' gardens.
Now I don't know about you, but galloping around someone else's garden in the dark whilst carrying a kitchen mop doesn't really cut the mustard but gallop around I did until  I had cornered one of the stupid little bastards in sailor John's compost heap and had effectively hog tied it inside my beanie hat.
The other daft sod crashed arse over tit in Trendy Carol's garden , so I had to be as quiet as I could not to disturb her dogs ( not an easy task on a gravel drive I can tell you)
Here, twice I fell over garden features disguised by the snow before nabbing the little c€*t as he pushed his head into the privet hedge .( thus thinking himself invisible)
I was cold and wet and numb by the time I got into the cottage.
And very pissed off
Here I fell asleep on the couch covered in dogs.
I didn't wake up until 6 am this morning

105 comments:

  1. Was it the full moon?

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  2. I would have been tempted to leave them there. Frozen solid, and stuck to the hen house roof, just a minor matter in the morning of knocking them off with said kitchen mop. Happy in the knowledge they would have been so much easier to pluck frozen. With the immortal words as you popped them in the pot... ‘That’ll teach you!’ Cock soup for luncheon, what better?

    LX

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  3. I rather think the Prof is away, otherwise I am sure he would have objected to such antics - including the bed for the night.
    Oh and incidentally, I always wondered how you spelled the c word!

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    Replies
    1. He flew back this morning , the last plane out of Cardiff

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  4. You are totally bonkers xx

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    Replies
    1. It's been said before

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    2. And never dull.... thank god.

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  5. Never ceases to amaze me how a chicken can run up and down the side of the run, apparently unable to see the doorway through which it enters and leaves every day. Mine are usually tempted in by birdseed ... but not after dark, I'd get them in a bit earlier tonight if I were you!

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    Replies
    1. They have not left the house all day today.

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  6. I am trying very hard not to laugh...and failing badly.x

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  7. I can imagine this as a silent film - with suitable music!

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    Replies
    1. Yes ! Absolutely ! LOL !!

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    2. Better off a silent movie, you would hear the swearing

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  8. I've just come in from putting my hen-house up on blocks, to make it rot-proof. No snow here; nor any hens!

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    Replies
    1. Keep the rats away too, they hate hen houses on feet

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  9. Chickens definitely have their own sorts of intelligence. They are not so great at imagining consequences. Right now mine are fussing and fussing for me to come and let them out of their run for their daily yard travels. They are making the sort of constant noise which once led my daughter to say, "Momma, I think your chicken is broken."

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    Replies
    1. Your Daughter is so clever and darling.

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  10. Being a pet owner is marvelous! Such adventures.

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  11. But you LOVE them, John, I just know it!!

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    Replies
    1. Jimbo, I do find them irritatingly charming

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  12. Benny hill music would be good. My 2 dopey hens tried it on the other night when I went to shut them in. Luckily they were half asleep so managed to plonk them in quite easily with a bit of choice language.



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    1. Usually u can grab them when it's dark but the snow illuminated everything

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  13. You got your workout yesterday!

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  14. Then it must be true that chickens drown when they are left out in the rain because they look up to see what is happening ?

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    Replies
    1. A friend grew up on a Turkey farm and he said this happens

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    2. Turkeys are delicate creatures

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    3. Simple minded but delicate ... poor things ..

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  15. You can get a net on a long stick, they are priceless. I can't let mine out unless I'm right with them, too many predators around. Lucky for me they are really good to go in when the sun starts to go down.

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    Replies
    1. Mine usually are! How many have you got? At my best I had 70

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    2. Since I'm probably going to sell the farm I'm down to 3 roosters and 12 hens, all bantams, most lay green or blue eggs. At my best (worst lol) I had around 210 plus 44 snowy call ducks, 95% of the chickens at the time were pure breeds. I never showed any but some I sold went on to win at the local fairs. It's funny you calling your roosters dumb and dumber, I once bought two show quality Silkie roosters and even though they were nice little guys, I called them Harry and Lloyd because they just weren't very bright.

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    3. Have you photos of them?

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    4. I have some but it's hard for me to post on my blog. I'm working on that lol.

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  16. You're being very disrespectful towards the poor little creatures, JayGee. Just think how YOU would feel if they they thought of YOU in those terms! ;-)

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    Replies
    1. Bloody well saved their lives last night raymondo

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    2. I've no doubt they're profoundly grateful.:-)

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  17. It sounds like a scene from "Carry On Cottaging". Who would you like to play you? Sid James or Kenneth Williams?

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  18. That is where the saying birdbrain comes from they have their stubborn ways . you cheer me up every day John Bless you XX

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    Replies
    1. Bless you right back joan

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  19. oh god John. I apologize for what I'm about to do in light of how some or even most people feel about it.
    LOL!!! I actually did laugh out loud. and yes even lots of love. for the poor silly frozen scared chickens and for your own brave frozen arse rescue.

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    1. I did contemplate leaving them. But my Jewish guilt kicked in

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    2. Jewish guilt would be what would happen after you roasted them with potatoes.

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  20. This does conjure up such hilarious visuals John, but lovely that you go to such lengths to care for your boys.

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    Replies
    1. I couldn't live with the guilt

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  21. mad enough for chicken dinner?

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    Replies
    1. Not big enough for a mouthful

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  22. I'm really sorry but this has made me laugh so much! I hope they were OK - and you too.
    J x

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    Replies
    1. They are fine...thick as mince

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  23. John, I cackled. I’m sorry! I would have been pissed off too! The bachelor’s have some warming up to you for saving them. Some of my best sleeps are on the couch! Gabs

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  24. Can't beat a good night's sleep.

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  25. Nothing like sleeping on a couch with warm sleeping dogs to cuddle. Best sleep ever.

    cheers, parsnip

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  26. I went out to spray the roses for black spot in my flip flops !!!!! ❄️ XXXX

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    Replies
    1. You mad bitch xx

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    2. I was out in the garden having a walk round in shorts in the snow at 5pm yesterday. I met a neighbour and he said "I can't wait to go in and tell my wife".

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    3. Another mad cow xx

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    4. Pot, Kettle, Black !!!! 🀣 XXXX

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    5. Of course! ✌πŸ»πŸ˜œπŸ€ πŸ€–πŸ‘…πŸ™†πŸ»‍♂️πŸ‘―‍♂️πŸ‘™πŸ€πŸ«πŸ•πŸŒΈπŸŒˆπŸ†πŸΎπŸŽ±πŸ₯ŠπŸŽ·πŸ›΅⛵️🏝⛪️πŸ“ΊπŸ”¨πŸ›€πŸΎπŸ—³✂️πŸ’Ÿ㊙️‼️πŸšΎπŸ†’πŸ”½®πŸ”ΆπŸ•“πŸ΄πŸ‡§πŸ‡³πŸ‡·πŸ‡ͺ

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  27. I did laugh reading this and I haven't heard the parse"cut the mustard" in ages. I think the bachelors owe you flowers this week.

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  28. I wondered if they could sleep indoors just while it's snowing or would they make a bit of a mess.I love it when my top dog sleeps on my pillow & miss him when he decides to sleep downstairs x

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    Replies
    1. You've obviously never had chickens flush! Lol years ago I had 12 Indian runner ducklings in the kitchen . They used to fling shit everywhere. The Prof nearly went insane

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  29. Life gives you a welcome gift one day and a metaphoric slap in the face the next! :)

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  30. I have to say that guinea hens beat out chickens in the stupid department. A neighbor of ours out in the country had a flock of about 20 of them. They served as a sort of early warning alarm system if someone came onto his property. (They make a horrible honking/screeching sound.) They would build nests for their young on the ground, but at night the adults would roost up in the trees. Needless to say, the coyotes would get the young and then wait patiently under the trees for the adults to come down in the morning. By the time we moved away his flock was down to 2 very nervous and paranoid guinea fowl.

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    Replies
    1. My guineas survived for an age in the trees outside the church

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  31. I am anticipating such shenanigans daily this summer as I will be raising a batch of meat birds...

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    Replies
    1. Meat birds are more sedate...heavier too

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  32. Just made me lol at my desk. My neighbors are wondering what that are missing out on.

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  33. My chickens are good at going into their coops, but the guineas try my patience. Once they actually find their way into the fenced area they roost on the roof of one of the coops. They were raised by a hen and went into the coop with her when they were little, but once grown they view it like a dungeon and won’t set foot inside. It is close to snowing, and blowing a gale, but they spent lat night outside perched on the crest of a metal roof. To each his/her own I guess. I never thought I’d say something isn’t as smart as a chicken.

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    1. Our neighbor who had guineas (see my comment above) tried to salvage his dwindling flock by bringing a couple of guinea eggs up to our place for our banty hen to hatch, which she did. It was comical to see her scratching around in the pen and calling out to the huge "chicks" to come get a tasty morsel she'd found. Our neighbor took the two guineas back home after they'd grown, but sure enough one day one of them traveled the 1/4 mile up our road and was frantically running around the perimeter of the chicken pen, trying to get back in with "Mom."

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    2. I miss my guinea fowl ...they chattered constantly during storms like these but sat in the trees in the Churchyard

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  34. John, I found your predicament and all the responses to be such a lovely laugh that I had to read the whole thing to the husband trying to put forth my best British accents despite my Texas drawl. I give an "A" to your response to the first commenter who seemed to be innocently asking if it was a full moon! That brought up such a picture in the mind, I'm surprised I was able to read on...

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    1. I've just seen the neighbours to apologise ! They wondered where all the footprints came from

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  35. Stay safe and warm tonight JG and family gather you get the worst of the snow tonight xx Friend once a came home one cold day to find four hens roosting on the rail of the Aga with the dogs and three cats asleep on the rug below. Love the batchelors feathery feet:)

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    1. It's already blizzard conditions in Trelawnyd . I've just locked up the bachelors early!

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  36. Well done. I think they would have suffered last night in the cold. Perhaps, if there is a next time - throw a blanket over them, catch one, and the rest should follow in. We did it a few years ago and it worked; the hens were probably thinking 'how dare you?'Also, shaking a bit of food in a bag usually entices them to where you want them to go if you don't like the blanket idea. The hens lived by the way and were fine.

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  37. Am I correct to picture you in pajamas and bedroom slippers?

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    Replies
    1. Pj bottoms , plastic overshoes and an anorak

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    2. You're learning, John. You were more prepared than usual. I'm so proud of you!

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    3. I even wore a. Hat

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    4. "Hello is that the police? I want to report a strangely dressed man, waving a mop and shouting chook, chook, chook, while romping through the snow. Yes officer I do live near John Gray. Oh ok, I understand, Bye" x

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  38. "hog tied in a beanie hat" - this was the line that did me in :)

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  39. I supposed if you wanted to eat them, they would be really tough.

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  40. Another reason for me not to have chickens lol x

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  41. You must really love those birds! No eggs to show for their feeding and almost arrested for being a "peeping (ha) Tom"!

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    1. They rely on me ...u can't let them down

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  42. Those little bastards would make great soup

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    1. Oh noo that's not very kind is it-I've just had broad bean & Brussels top soup & no Chicky harmed x

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  43. How do you have all these falls without doing yourself an injury? last time i had a bad fall I got an elbow that no longer straightens properly.

    Funny story, well told

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    1. I'm well padded....I do hurt myself occassionally and am covered in bruises

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  44. memories of rounding up Muscovy ducks...yup, tiring work!

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  45. I had Indian runners , you can herd them like sheep

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  46. Hope you're all okay and, chickens aside, keeping warm.xx

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    Replies
    1. The weather is closing in tonight. High winds and drifting snow

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  47. Thank you John for the mental picture on this chilly, windy, and stormy day in California!

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  48. That made me laugh out loud. Sorry.

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  49. Emphathise completely..tho without the snow as I keep mine in their deep litter hen house during the winter months. But summer here my three are shepherded into their day lodgings - a chook tractor..and that can be a bit of a rodeo too. (We have predatory eagles ... a rabbit, a chook even a lamb makes no difference to the king of the sky)
    Keep warm and safe inside your lovely cottage

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  50. I have a visual that your story so aptly described and it made me laugh so hard I almost spilled my drink on the keyboard!

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  51. My chickens are coming out of the henhouse each day and just living underneath it, only going back in to lay their eggs .

    I have been sprinkling their corn right round the edges for their mid morning snack. Seeing all the little heads facing outwards pecking away is hilarious.

    Today though I cleared them a path through the snow to the trough just so they would finally HAVE to walk somewhere.

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  52. Meanwhile, Winnie is eating the bird seed. David Attenborough you ain't.

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  53. I feel your pain, our first snowstorm this year, I had to pick up and carry eight chickens and put them to bed, they refused to walk in the snow.

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