Friday, 2 March 2018

Bird Seed


These animals will be the death of me.
I bought three kilos of mixed bird seed on Wednesday  and yesterday tipped it into a supermarket carrier bag  in readiness to take it over to the snowy field.
I'd only left the bag on the floor for a minute or so, but that was just enough time for a certain bulldog to silently push her big fat ugly head inside and eat over a kilo of it.
That was around three pm.
Nine pm the shit literally hit the fan.
Now, for those that don't know, bulldogs are drama queens.
When illness hits, they can chew the scenery better than Joan Crawford in her best shoulder pads .
Last night she obviously had severe belly discomfort .
With a face like Buster Keaton she paced the cottage constantly, stopping every few minutes for me to rub her tummy. and when she finally puked up handfuls of the birdseed  she sadly presented me with a sick stained face to wipe with a damp tea towel.
That was around nine pm like I said.
At ten pm the shits started, and within seconds I had almost finished off two kitchen rolls and a container of kitchen cleaner !
The bird seed, shall we say had not changed through her alimentary canal, and so peppered my shiny new kitchen floor like mucky hundreds and thousands .
It got everywhere! 
Thank god the Prof had gone to bed.
By eleven I had managed to get her to settle on the couch by holding her paw in a supportive way and covering her face with the tea towel.
This morning as we wandered weakly through the drifts in the lane , she suddenly let out a terrific fart
And a little cloud of bird seed puffed out onto the snow like magic

114 comments:

  1. I know birds and squirrels and deer eat bird seed, but dogs? that's a new one! hope our winnie feels better today.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I had to laugh, sorry ... but I can imagine the mess 🤣🤢☹

    ReplyDelete
  3. Beautifully descriptive. Yes, dogs eating bird seed seems odd to me. So your intent was to feed hungry birds? That's nice.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Good thing it passed through I would guess

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Gone out to buy more kitchen roll?

      Delete
    2. No gone to the vets

      Delete
  5. I love the visuals!
    And Joan Crawford squirting out puffs of bird seed!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Now I am an animal lover so I say this in jest....Perhaps you should feed her carrot and parsnip seeds and allow her to assist in sowing your garden.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I’m sorry I’m laughing... well, no I’m not. You are the best storyteller!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Good job that long ago you were a nurse. You didn't forget how to nurse a desperate patient through such physical trauma.

    ReplyDelete
  9. She was hungry! Poor little diva.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Anonymous11:43 am

    ‘Ugly’? Our Winnie? How dare you! Retract that statement ! (Winces at the thought of TWO kitchen rolls! Jax

    ReplyDelete
  11. Mary Poppins didn't feed the birds like that.

    ReplyDelete
  12. One of my dogs used to clean up under the bird feeder. It didn't cause any problems (probably because he didn't get that much each time) but it did leave his shit heavily peppered with the seeds.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Oh the laugh! thank you, I needed that. Your description of poorly Winnie's behaviour is my husband exactly. From now on I shall think of Joan when he's doing my 'ead in.
    Chewing the scenery................
    shoulder pads...........
    oh my..........

    ReplyDelete
  14. Thank you - the morning laugh was greatly needed and appreciated. You are such a good dog parent.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Oh John, thanks for the morning titter. It's like Fred Karno's circus at your place. Maybe you should have used Winnie to gravel your paths.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I wonder what attracted her to the bird seed in the first place. Presumably there's no smell to speak of and it doesn't look like her normal food. Whatever possessed her to hoover up so much of it?

    ReplyDelete
  17. Harry will act like a dog possessed to get at the rabbit food or plain uncooked rice.

    Your last line is absolute brilliance!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Your comic timing on that last line, is absolutely brilliant! Thank you, I needed that.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Ha-ha, I love that final sentence.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Thank you (yet again) for brightening my day with a little vignette of life at the cottage. Your description of Winne is wonderful but that last line - priceless.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Anonymous12:35 pm

    John you have made us both laugh this morning.

    Poor Winnie, what a drama queen, but she must have had dreadful tummy ache, that face you must love her to bits, I know I would.

    Marie

    ReplyDelete
  22. Your nursing skills came in handy. You've had two days of animal dramas, let's hope no more for a while.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Anonymous12:59 pm

    Thank GOD i’d already swallowed my last spoonful of cereal!
    Poor Winnie! Poor John for having to clean the mess!
    Debbie

    ReplyDelete
  24. A Dog That Farts Birdseed ... this sounds like something that could 1 -make you rich 2 - be a silly children's book.

    ReplyDelete
  25. I would have been scared. I was in the vets with our then puppy, when a man brought a very limp labrador that had helped itself to a bag of flour. Emergency surgery. The nurse rolled her eyes when the man came in. apparently this dog ate something every week. Plaster off the walls, kitchen units, shoes, coil of rope, the back seat of the car...

    ReplyDelete
  26. I agree. Maybe you should write a comedy sketch based on your domestic experiences.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Dogs are such fun aren't they-and you are so lucky to have a menagerie.I overate sunflower seeds once & was a bit poorly too.I love your happy ending-alls well that ends well x

    ReplyDelete
  28. John Gray, you have taken a very messy situation and made a lovely bit of art with it.
    Unlike your poor doggie.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Bwahahaha! One of my dogs got into birdseed once, too; her poop was like poop-shaped packed cylinders of pure birdseed for a while :)

    ReplyDelete
  30. OMG what a saga! Love the poetic ending to your post.

    ReplyDelete
  31. John, wonderful descriptive tale ....thank goodness the prof was in bed, can only imagine his reaction.
    I once was dog sitting my grand-dog, a pit bull that was a huge baby. Somehow ? she got into a bag of garbage and ate a plastic store bag, I had no idea until a day or two later...she was trying to poop and this poopy grey wormy looking thing kept coming out....it just kept coming and I finally had to gently pull it the rest of the way out. It was so twisted and swirled I couldn't figure out what it was until I flipped it and read "Walmart". She just looked at me as if to say thank you and I am sorry. It could have been a much worse ending. Some dogs will eat anything ,eh?

    So happy Winnie is okay, and that you survived.LOL

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh gosh, that is funny! Once one of our dogs got into the neighbor's compost pile and later barfed up a whole banana peel, among other things. And a mini-Dachshund of ours snapped up a dead baby bird before I could get it away from him. It went down the hatch and I waited anxiously to see which way it would go in his digestive system. Days passed and everything was normal. He must have digested the whole thing, feathers, bones and all.

      Delete
  32. Jon i feel for you and Winnie...But i think if my dog had ate that much birdseed i would have left her out in the yard all day expecting what was coming... and thus avoind having the mess in the house.....I hope Winnie is feeling better... Like others have said you are a wonderful story teller..Hugs! deb

    ReplyDelete
  33. So sorry Winnie, not laughing....honestly. Hope you're feeling better now.

    John, there's something about your descriptions of Winnie that always call Scarlet O'Hara to mind. I pity the poor birds who find that seed.

    ReplyDelete
  34. What, about bird seed, could tempt a dog to eat it? I mean really?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They love it, it's crunchy, it smells good, it's forbidden.

      Delete
  35. DH dumped the old bird seed out by the feeder and Jill managed to scarf that up. Sure does make them a pathetic mess, doesn't it? I was more upset with DH than poor Jilly ...

    ReplyDelete
  36. At least Winnie won’t be suffering from raised cholesterol!

    LX

    ReplyDelete

  37. My daughter once look after a friend's Labrador in a brief unattended moment he ate an entire tub of tropical fish food. My daughter spent the entire night with the back door open as the dog ran in and out shitting violently, the look of confused terror on the dogs face would have been funny if my daughter hadn't been so worried about the dog!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. oh I am crying with laughter over this episode - our lab mutt would eat anything - including the time he gulped down an entire chicken breast quietly in the kitchen. Only to bring it all back up (in one piece no less) on the living room rug. There was also the time he ate used tissues scarfed from the bathroom garbage can and brought them back up at my mother-in-law's feet. Cat poop was another passion of his - but oh the bad breath it gave him.

      Delete
  38. Oh Winnie, only you could do this !

    ReplyDelete
  39. Oh god. I'm crying!! Poor Winnie! My mad collie insists on stealing the chicken feed pellets when we bring the feeder in at night. Mad animals!

    ReplyDelete
  40. Oh Winnie! Your play by play descriptions were just like being there. But for once I was glad I wasn't!

    ReplyDelete
  41. OMG John. That last line!

    ReplyDelete
  42. This actually really helped me feel better about not having a dog! That wrinkly face is however definitely not ugly, lol.

    ReplyDelete
  43. It takes a very brave person to live your life sir. Laughed till we cried with your description.

    ReplyDelete
  44. Does the cottage need pebbledashing ? 🤭 XXXX

    ReplyDelete
  45. I know the hard work it took to clean it all up...again and again, but thanks for the wonderful laughter.

    ReplyDelete
  46. I had only two cats in the house for almost ten years. They each had their own destructive tendency (one pooped on my mousepad whenever she was in a gripey mood, the other rolled round objects off the counter) but they were predictable and mostly tidy. We have had a puppy in the house, along with two cats, since Christmas. It has cost a fortune in paper towels and spray cleaner, and anything not left high on a table or shelf was destroyed. Now she's tall enough to reach the tabletop, but still not very well potty trained. Some days I just give up. I feel like I'm living in a zoo. Send me a monkey or two, maybe a pig and a kangaroo too. But please, no bulldogs.

    ReplyDelete
  47. bWHAHAHAHAHAHhahahahaha - wipes tears from eyes - sorry Winnie - I'm not laughing at you ... I'm laughing with you.
    (Oh I feel so mean laughing at her discomfort but that little cloud of bird seed puffing out onto the snow like magic just finished me off!)

    ReplyDelete
  48. Update . I am not happy about her this afternoon and will be taking her to the vets shortly

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh I do hope she is OK John. Anna

      Delete
  49. Oh, Johnny, you make me laugh!

    Although, seeing your Update, I am concerned about Miss Winnie.

    ReplyDelete
  50. I hope all goes well at the vet for Winnie.

    ReplyDelete
  51. I do hope Winnie is ok.

    ReplyDelete
  52. Hope Winnie is fine, thinking of her, sweet girl.

    ReplyDelete
  53. Oh dear - you did make me laugh! Hope she is just being dramatic again and that everything is ok after the trip to the vet.

    ReplyDelete
  54. Lorna6:21 pm

    Absolutely brilliant writing! All pet owners have had to clean up after their babies' messes, and I certainly feel for you! But . . . I still cracked up reading your tale. Warm wishes from Hawaii!!

    ReplyDelete
  55. Oh Winnie ! I bet you don't eat that again for a while !
    Thanks for the best laugh of the day, John.

    ReplyDelete
  56. I just don't know how you do it!!!

    ReplyDelete
  57. Crikey when she let rip it must have felt like being in an ack ack attack! Anna

    ReplyDelete
  58. Anonymous6:53 pm

    I once had a springer spaniel who got into her food supply and ate four pounds of dog food. She laid down for a nap and was unable to get back up - she couldn't lift that full belly. She groaned and tried to roll, but that didn't work, either. I called the vet who said to monitor her breathing for this could block, but otherwise wait it out. So the night was spent with her groaning and me hanging on every groan. Thankfull, it all worked out in the end (literally).

    ReplyDelete
  59. Oh dear, the poor doggie!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes I think she's not out of the woods William

      Delete
  60. Nearly as stupid as English Bull Terriers then :) Hope she is back to normal today x

    ReplyDelete
  61. Crying with laughter here, sorry Winnie. I do hope there aren't any lasting problems for you, but that last seeded fart just sent me over the edge.

    ReplyDelete
  62. you need your own tv show.
    but seriously... that might have been serious?
    it sounds like it might. I hope Winnie's better now.
    I will forever see her puffing bird seed in the snow. a poetic ending if ever there was one!

    ReplyDelete
  63. Oh poor Winnie, hoping that she is OK.

    ReplyDelete
  64. You live the life you love!

    ReplyDelete
  65. I hope things are okay. I loved that you held her paw in a supportive way, quote/unquote. I have to watch what I eat (things that wouldn't faze other people) and have spent many an evening (or morning, or afternoon) in agony. The worst with an animal is that you can't explain to them that they'll eventually feel better. Everything is right here, right now.

    Let us know how you make out at the vet's?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jenny, she's not too well. The vet is happy she's not obstructed but she's vomited several times and is off her food and looks uncomfortable. She's had an antiemetic and oral ranitidine and some water. I'm keeping a close eye on her

      Delete
    2. I wondered about the leftover seed still in her. I hope it flushes out.

      cheers, parsnip

      Delete
    3. Thanks for the update, John. Poor girl. And poor you; it's hard on the head, worrying about pets.

      Delete
  66. Please if possible. . check back here and leave us updates .. I will worry until I hear good news, as I am sure all of us reading this will. much love to you and to sweet Winnie <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Will do, she due some more meds later and I've tried her with chicken which she rejected. .

      Delete
    2. I imagine it will be a long night for you all. Sending all the best hopes for her to be back to her old self tomorrow ..

      Delete
    3. oh also - chicken broth. No solids .. the broth will go down easily and she will like it better than water. :)

      Delete
  67. And one more thing ... you can hide a pill in peanut butter .. I have not met a dog yet that won't go for it .

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Some peanut butter has an ingredient that is poisonous to dogs. Plus I bet John doesn't eat peanut butter, is PB even consumed in the UK?
      ''Xylitol, a sweetener used in many foods, including peanut butter, yogurt, toothpaste and chewing gum, is safe for humans but potentially deadly for dogs. If ingested, it can cause seizures, liver failure and death, warned one animal hospital, which called xylitol "extremely toxic" to dogs.''

      Delete
    2. A useful warning LizD, but I can assure you that peanut butter is indeed consumed in large quantities in the UK, and none of the most popular brands here has xylitol in. We like our PB to be (mostly) just peanuts!

      Delete
  68. This could only happen to you, John!!
    I'd be gagging!!

    ReplyDelete
  69. I've watered down some chicken gravy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bless. A Jewish Boxer.

      Delete
    2. "And vy are you not eating? "

      Delete
    3. She's not well , and I'm a tad worried

      Delete
    4. Chicken gravy is too greasy! Give her white rice moistened with a bit of low salt chicken broth

      Delete
  70. Anonymous10:36 pm

    I said a little prayer for winnie x Hope she'll drink some fluids or try an ice cube over the next 24 hours or so. while she's abstaining from food.

    ReplyDelete
  71. "she suddenly let out a terrific fart
    And a little cloud of bird seed puffed out onto the snow like magic" You certainly got a way with words John. Thanks for the hearty laugh.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree!! What a visual that was!

      Delete
  72. For some strange reason, dogs love bird seed.

    ReplyDelete
  73. Oh, poor Winnie. I do hope she will be alright. Silly dogs will eat anything. My old dog once shit out my mother's silk scarf! Horrifying. I had to step on it and let him keep walking to get the darn thing out.

    ReplyDelete
  74. I will keep checking to see how she does tonight and hopefully she will be sleeping and recovering.
    Sending love and get well wishes.

    ReplyDelete
  75. Just when I think there can be nothing else to said, to add to the study of dog poop, you raise the bar. I've never heard of a more exhaustive, persistent, study of all the aspects of dog poop. I'm sure some university will do an endowed chair.

    ReplyDelete
  76. My vet told me not to worry if my dog didn't eat for a few days,just had to make sure she didn't dehydrate.I had to syringe water into the side of her mouth x

    ReplyDelete
  77. She must have some Lab' in her; they eat anything too.

    ReplyDelete
  78. I would not want to be the bird or squirrel who happened upon that seed!

    ReplyDelete
  79. How is Winnie today? I'm worried John.
    Greetings Maria x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Greetings Maria it's 7.45 and she has just eaten a small breakfast. No vomits so far

      Delete
    2. Good to hear that. xx

      Delete
  80. I had to read that one to MrC, who loves scatological humour and dogs!
    Our Airedale terrier Chester was always madly jealous of the cockatiel, Punch. When Punch was hand fed sunflower seeds, there would be this great hairy terrier lined up to accept his one seed as well, which he would gulp down. I secretly think he would have gulped down Punch given half a chance. The little shite would call the dog, as he imitated anything he heard a lot, and Chester would go galumphing around trying to find the human at the end of it!

    ReplyDelete
  81. I'm so glad to hear she is on the mend

    ReplyDelete
  82. Poor Winnie ~ hope she is feeling better this morning. We had a greyhound called Amber who, unbeknowst to us, once decided to "tidy up" the birdseed that had fallen from a blown-over feeder. It made her terribly constipated and she kept crying each time she tried to poop, so off to the vet we went. Said vet stuck her fingers up poor Amber's bum and that's when we discovered the birdseed snaffling! Thankfully she hadn't eaten a huge amount and was soon back to normal ~ well, normal for her, anyway!

    ReplyDelete
  83. Hoping poor Winnie is over the worst and on the mend today.

    ReplyDelete
  84. They will, they will be the death of us! I know . . . . . . .

    ReplyDelete
  85. Oh my, oh my . . .
    Winnie, Winnie . . .

    ReplyDelete
  86. Thank you for sharing valuable information nice post,I enjoyed reading this post.

    หนังไทย

    ReplyDelete
  87. Hilarious! I read the story with such concern for poor Winnie, but the farting birdseed made me roll on the floor! Thanks.

    ReplyDelete
  88. Too funny. I have a beagle with a sensitive stomach who will eat anything and then proceeds to have bloody diarrhea everywhere. She loves her boiled chicken with rice treatment.

    ReplyDelete

I love comments and will now try very hard to reply to all of them
Please dont be abusive x