Sunday, 24 July 2016

Saying The Wrong Thing

YI'm tired.........and was not going to blog tonight........

I had an intriguing conversation with a colleague at work today.
She was talking about an arguement with a family member
And said that in a row, " there can be certain things that are said that never can be unsaid"
It's never happened to me
But it's an interesting premise
Has it ever happened to you?
What has been said that never can be unheard?


77 comments:

  1. No matter how angry you are, there are things not to say to people. Had you more time, you could have included a photo I recall seeing of a very alarmed cat with the caption, What has been heard cannot be unheard.

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  2. I think it is true that in the heat of a moment hurtful facts, feelings or opinions can be revealed. And then there's no turning back. In such a moment a good friend of mine told his wife he had been having a saucy affair with a work colleague and in that instant his twenty five year marriage was over and he had to move out of the family home and for a long time his daughters wanted nothing to do with him. He didn't have to say anything.

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  3. Oh goodness, I am certain there have been many things, but I don't want to remember them.

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  4. Definitely... I was in the hospital and a surgical opening came up for me to have my gallbladder removed. I called my then husband to tell him and have him come to the hospital which was less than 10 minutes from his work. He informed me that he had "2 or 3 important to do and then he'd be there... he didn't arrive before I went into surgery and left before I came out of recovery. By this reckoning I was only the 3rd or 4th most important thing behind his job. Surprisingly the job is no longer part of his life and neither am I.

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    1. Funny you reminded me of an ex partner who in the closset
      He once said that if I ever walked into his place of work, he would deny knowing me
      Beginning of the end that was

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  5. My ex husband used to scream at me that I was ''fat, lazy, and stupid," [at one point when I weighed 89 pounds due to illness] / a ''bad mother'' / and that he ''wished I was dead.'' Lately he has been lonely and wants to be friends again...as if I'd ever forget those words and so many more. Tho I smile and pretend for the kids' sake.

    lizzy

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    1. his loneliness is HIS problem; he can piss off! you go out and live it up!

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  6. my parents constant criticism (you're stupid/ugly/fat/etc.). they are no longer part of my world.

    I am intelligent, confident, pretty, strong, a survivor! and screw anybody who doesn't think so!

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    1. AM YOU ARE A STRONG CHARACTER. Many are not .....those words hurt and remain i suspect

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    2. not really; I did 4 years of psychotherapy. now that I am confident in me-myself-and-I, anyone that disagrees gets a big SOD OFF from me.

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    3. Anne Marie - your parents said those things to you? For shame on them.

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    4. yeah, arseholes, both of them. they never should have been parents, but in the 50s they did what they were told to do by societal conventions. good thing I am a liberated woman!

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    5. After my x walked out ( he left a message on the answering machine) he came back one afternoon to do or pick up something and I was outside walking into the house from the garage.
      He stood there and said I don't want to be married to a dumb, sick, old fat wife. One of the nicer things he said to me.( I was not thin then but not fat at that time.)
      What he didn't know was two of our children were in the garage and head everything.
      All I said was karma is a bitch.
      His children do not talk to him to this day. He says it is my fault for turning them against him.
      I said i didn't have to say a word. You did it all on your own.

      cheers, parsnip

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    6. anne marie, I hurt when I read your comment. So sorry you lived this,

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    7. What dreadful things you're both relating here. I hope both lots a parents were ashamed of themselves.

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    8. I am ashamed to say I witnessed one of my best friends tell her youngest (my daughters best friend) that she was ugly and I didnt respond - this will always be my eternal shame. In my defence she has a strong personality and I am weakedned by my husband (see my comment below). She has recently had a stroke (karma) and has lost huge amounts of memory. I suspect her daughter may leave her behind in the future.

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  7. In a rage my mother told me that she wished she had never had me, and that if she had known a tame abortionist she wouldn't have.
    Forty years later it still hurts.

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    1. Ouch! My mum once said if she had her life over she wouldn't have kids. Not as bad as yours but it was hurtful none the less.

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    2. Interesting. My mother said the same thing to me. She said that when she was young there were fewer opportunities for women and one didn't really think about not having kids. She said with the opportunities available to people my age she probably wouldn't have had kids.mitbdidnt hurt, I understood her view.

      She also said that you meet a few people in your life where it doesn't matter how long since you have seen them, when you do see them again yiu just pick up where you left off and there is no awkwardness. She then went on to say that she had met two such people in her life and I was one of them. I felt the same.

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    3. Sending you oceans and oceans of love EC.

      My stepdad once told me that I was so stupid, ugly and lazy that I'd better get pretty good at sex or no one would put up with me. Both he and your mother should have had their mouths glued shut.

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  8. Sometimes things said that can't be unsaid is not a bad thing......can 'clean the air'.
    Case in point....a division with the siblings over the care of our father. I do not regret saying what I thought was necessary to get my point across. I saw a lot of 'true colours' that day that helped me realize I could live with my decision.

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    1. Jimbo, some things just need saying eh?

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  9. My ex told me I was fat, stupid, ugly, lazy and an albatross around his neck. Those words cannot be cleansed from my head because I was none of those things. He is no longer my husband.

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  10. As someone who's heard those sorts of words, I feel that returning to them can renew their strength.

    I continue to hope that no one hearing something I have said feels the same way.

    Best wishes.

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  11. years ago my marriage wasn't too good and I told my husband that as things stood I would have very little energy to resist an affair, should one be possible.
    It did happen and he told me that he didnt worry about the warning because he didnt t hink anyone would be interested.
    It wasn't during an argument but I still can't thinkof it without it stinging

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  12. Upon the deaths of my parents, my sister said that I was undeserving of any inheritance and she would be keeping everything. She has since recanted this statement but still is keeping everything. I hope it keeps her company in her old age.

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  13. Yes. And I think I live my life around that knowledge with my own family- my husband, my children. And it informs my words because there is no point to be made which is as important as love and respect.

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  14. I have a temper but also the knowledge that words can kill so I'm very careful but when a child looks at me and says I'm fat and the mother apologizes, I tell her that he's only seeing the truth. On the other hand now that I'm happily divorced, vitriolic comments about dickhead ex husband are given much freedom.

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  15. Just last weekend we entertained friends at our summer cabin, while playing a new board game my wife attempted to explain one of the rules. Halfway through the explanation he started shouting all sorts of horrible things at my wife tossing his cards in the air he told his wife to gather their bags and get in the car. We four have been very good friends for many years, took care of them after they both were in a horrible car accident. But the childish and very hurtful things that spilled out of his mouth can never be unsaid. As he left I looked him in the eyes and calmly told him that the next time we talk I expect a sincer apology to both my wife and myself as that is no way to treat hosts when you are a guest in their home.

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    1. How horrible Doc. I think he might have dementia or something. It is why I don't really trust anyone; you never know who they really are, just what they show you. And that is sad too.

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  16. There is an old saying " The wounds you made with your tongue never really heal". I have been lucky or maybe sort of deaf as this has been my instant reminder when someone say something I consider beneath themselves. I have no intention to let anyone who speaks to me in anger to leave any part of his/her anger for me to deal with. This is not arrogance, simply self respect and it took me a long time to get here.

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  17. Oh My Goodness John so many things... Your mother calling you a slut because you had sex when you were 17 and got pregnant the first time you ever had sex... Or how about the sound of your drunk mother peeing on the carpet in the middle of the night because she got out of bed and thought the chair next to her bed was the toilet and lifted the cushion and well... did her business... Listening to your mother gripe and complain about the birthday/mother's day presents your older brothers gave her after they left thinking she enjoyed the presents.. Hearing the slur in your Mothers words every night by about 7 pm and you knew she was soon off to bed leaving you there to watch tv alone again... and the list goes on......

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  18. Recently a new patient that I had was waiting in the reception area, and when I went to get her, I noticed that she had a bottle of water in her fabric bag that had water dripping from underneath it onto a side table -- I wanted to say to her -- "Oh, has your water BOTTLE broken?", but what came out of my mouth was "Oh has your water broken".

    She is on the heavy side, and remembering that look she gave me, when I'm trying to win over a brand new patient to the practice still embarasses me.

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    1. OH MY! I hope she had a sense of humour, Kim!!

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  19. When I was growing up, both of my parents were alcoholics and my mother has always had a foul temper drunk or sober. There were things she said to me as a child that the memories of can still bring tears to my eyes. I forgave her years ago (not that she ever asked for forgiveness) but I won't ever forget. I've been very careful in my adult life to never say mean and hurtful things to the people I love. They may forgive you, but the damage will never entirely go away.

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  20. My sister still remembers our evil stepdad telling her, "You're nothing but a piece of shit on the floor." Yes he was classy as well as evil. I don't remember a particular phrase but an accumulation of such gems from him certainly has affected our self esteem all our lives. I always keep in mind that some things said can not be forgotten. In 'discussion' with loved ones, I never go personal and try hard not to use the words 'never' or 'always' and to come from a place of empathy. As they say in parenting and teaching, condemn the behaviour not the child, and as Dr Phil says, it takes a million 'atta girls' to make up for one, 'you suck.'

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  22. John, I have typed and retyped and the words aren't flowing freely. It's too painful to write down. Yes, relationships can be irretrievably be broken. Words can cut like daggers, and the wounds are left gaping.

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    1. I am so sorry.
      I have found that to write then burn the words let them out so they do not have power over you. What ever was said was hurtful but they are not you.
      You now hold the power.

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    2. I have forgiven but I long to have a relationship with my brother. I pray for him and my daughter daily. The flashbacks continue to haunt me. I deeply love them both.

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  23. You've really stirred a hornet's nest here John. I've read every reply and am amazed at how nasty people can be. Luckily I've never received (or given) such crushing insults, so reading all the above has quite shocked me.

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    1. I am also shocked at how cruel people are especially to an innocent child.

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  24. When my ex had the bright idea of going swinging (wife swapping) it was because I was frigid and I didn't enjoy doing what the girls in the porn he was addicted to did.
    He thought that wife swapping still involved the keys in a bowl scene.
    He spent an enjoyable hour chuckling at the thought of who ever got our keys would have got the short straw. For weeks her jokingly referred to me as the short straw, which was probably quite amusing as I am only 4'11.
    I have used his comment in one of my stories but I didn't commit the murder portrayed in the story, I just got divorced!

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    1. Oh my goodness, this is my story (I'm 4'10 1/2")except my hub just blamed it all on me and had a secret life while I raised the children, handled elderly parent care etc. 30 yrs on, youngest is about to leave home and he now wants to spend time with me despite 'pissing off' out the door at every opportunity for the last 3 decades. Not. gonna. happen.
      Susan
      PS divorce/separation is an overwhelming decision cos I have no money, job or parents.

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    2. Susan I was 50, we split everything straight down the middle, he got the house, business, savings and pension. I got 4 children, I started from nothing, I also had no job, parents money etc

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    3. It is something that has been on my mind since 06 when I found out he was having a major crush on a woman whilst our youngest was having major heart surgery. Had to live last decade with two extremely depressive teenagers and the loss of his parents (to mention only 2 situations)that kept stopping me from leaving as well. (my life is a tad complicated to say the least). He may be panicking a bit now *wink*

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    4. Susan I don't know where you live but my divorce was in California, everything is straight down the middle. The x served me divorce papers on our daughters birthday. But then she is gay so in his eyes who cares.
      Anyways he wanted a mediator but as I am not really great with math, I knew I would be screwed. I had some well connected friends and got the best highest paid lawyer in Orange County (stars, sports stars ect,,, ) The x had to pay my lawyers fees and he hated that.
      He got the season tickets, the condo , blah blah bla.I got the children, dogs, my car, the Meiji period kitchen god and enough money if I am careful to live on. Children were in school I packed up my car and moved.
      My illnesses have progressed , have to use a walker, lost most of my hair (meds) and the years I have left I am so happy everyday I wake up without him.
      Talk to someone about YOUR rights and how the law can protect you.

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  25. Two nights ago a friend made the comment "she's hideous!" about a pic of another friend (that we hadnt seen for years n years), and then tried to assuage herself by stating that she only said what we were all thinking...... err no love. Yes said friend had indeed changed but the word hideous was Not in our minds.

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  26. It seems to happen to me every day. I blame the alcohol.

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  27. With two young children, exhausted & depressed I was told that " I had nothing on my plate " by one friend and another woman realising that my husband was away informed me that she would travel to wherever her husband was working. I wish I'd said it was a little awkward for me & two small children to be in the middle of the Atlantic ocean as that was where my husband was.
    I later heard that her husband beat her. Victim - which is something I have never been.

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  28. My mother in law was with my we girl, then about 3 or 4 in a play area in a garden centre. As I approached, she said, 'Oh no, that stupid woman's coming to get you now ' - my daughter was so quiet on the way home, and told me this later that evening. She called me fat, wild and lazy, his father said worse. My ex used to chant 'Fit not fat!' at me, told me I could never cope without him and would end up a lonely old alcoholic living in squalor. My mother was worse than all them together.
    Karma got them all in the end.
    Still all hurts though.
    x

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  29. I didnt realise just how much a short statement would ressonate
    Thank you all for your comments
    Painful as most are xx

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  30. I am married to someone who has a 1st class degree in accelerating with his mouth before putting his brain cell into gear.

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  32. So many things that my MIL has said but probably the worst was when my daughter aged 4 was in BCH being treated for leukaemia, my MIL was very dismissive telling everyone that she just had a virus . Worse still in the two years treatment she never visited offered to help or sent my daughter anything to cheer her up . MIL is 83 now and to a large extent has mellowed and though I am pleasant for my husband's sake I can't forget that .

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  33. My mom had been abused growing up and was raped at 18. My dad also abused her. I gave her a bit of a past on most things because she was loving and fun 95% of the time. But as we both got older and she drank more, we had my uncle over and in a drunken haze she announced she wished she never had me. Yeah, that burns through you and never goes away. I attempted to run away that night, but knew not where to go. She passed away in 1998 of renal cell carcinoma. We were past that, but to be honest, for all the love she showed me and told me, I do wonder why that had to be said.

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  34. my husband told me I was worse than useless once. it was at a bad time in our marriage, he was suffering from a lot of emotional pain from his upbringing that he had convinced himself that he had dealt with. he finally went and got counseling and worked it out and the anger and rage stopped. during one counseling session with the both of us I told him how much what he had said hurt and he apologized but the wound is still there. we're still together but of all the things he said in anger which he directed at me because he wasn't able at the time to direct it to his parents, that is the one that still hurts. worse than useless.

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  35. Years ago when a previous employer thought I might amount to something, such as being a mindless, heartless corporate drone, I attended a Dale Carnegie. He was big here in the US in the 40's and 50's maybe 60's. He taught about how to deal with people, how to impress them, how to be a public speaker etc. One thing I remember is that you never regret what you don't say. Some things needs to be said when things come to head but the moral is to keep yourself and your temper under control. Once it's out, you can never take it back. I've had people say and do awful, mean things to me. One day I realized that I'd read in the Gospels that Jesus told his disciples that if any town did not welcome them, they were the shake the dust off their feet and move on. I have the cleanest feet in town.
    anne marie in Philly - Bravo!!!!!!!!!

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    1. :)
      thank you, dear. and I have no regrets about "moving on" either.

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  36. I am horrified at some of the things I have read here, but I suppose I shouldn't be really. Having been brought up in a loving family I thought it was normal to speak to each other with respect but apparently not. I guess that's why my ex' behaviour so shocked me. His rants and insults were legion and even though I think people who try to put others down are really only trying to make up for their own inadequacies, after years of listening to his crap you do start to wonder. I mean, who do these people think they are that they have the right to speak to you like that. I do remember asking my ex if thought he was some kind of catch to entitle him to speak to me like that (8 stone weakling with acne anyone?). I remember sitting at my in-laws' table when they set his retarded brother to be the fall guy for about 15 minutes of "Mike baiting" and asking my ex if he thought what the whole family had just done was right - get a cheap thrill out of it? He would just say that he had a temper and it was soon forgotten - but not by me it wasn't. Like you said, you can't "unsay" something when it is out. Anna

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  37. My husband told me once that if I ever tried to divorce him (tried, mind you), that I might convince a judge to give me the house or the kids, but that he would make sure he took my dog, Clancy. Clancy meant the world to me, and my husband knew that. I swear I felt my heart stop as soon as he said it. It told me all I needed to know.

    Clancy passed away on this day 3 years ago. I think it is time to stop "planning" on how to leave and just do it. I think the time has come.

    As always, John, your posts are so thought-provoking.


    Elle

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  38. I have been told by two aunts on both sides of my family that I'm not family as i'm adopted.

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    1. That is just stupid cruel and not sure I would want to be "family" with them.
      What is that old saying "you can't pick your family but you can pick your friends"
      Just go out and find yourself a family of friends.

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    2. That's so cruel. They must be sad, nasty people, and you don't need them.

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  39. One word crops up again and again in the comments. "Ex" well done for leaving exes who bring you down and add nothing constructive to this world. I see many people who haven't got strength to leave abusive relationships. Well done and hope you find happiness. John you are a great writer funny,compassionate and caring. I really enjoy your blog. You talk a lot of sense.

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  40. One word crops up again and again in the comments. "Ex" well done for leaving exes who bring you down and add nothing constructive to this world. I see many people who haven't got strength to leave abusive relationships. Well done and hope you find happiness. John you are a great writer funny,compassionate and caring. I really enjoy your blog. You talk a lot of sense.

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  41. One word crops up again and again in the comments. "Ex" well done for leaving exes who bring you down and add nothing constructive to this world. I see many people who haven't got strength to leave abusive relationships. Well done and hope you find happiness. John you are a great writer funny,compassionate and caring. I really enjoy your blog. You talk a lot of sense.

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  42. One word crops up again and again in the comments. "Ex" well done for leaving exes who bring you down and add nothing constructive to this world. I see many people who haven't got strength to leave abusive relationships. Well done and hope you find happiness. John you are a great writer funny,compassionate and caring. I really enjoy your blog. You talk a lot of sense.

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  43. Being told that my partner had no problem thinking of me dying was the beginning of the end.
    Sitting at the dining room table with things being thrown at me and hearing a voice screaming "You're going to fucking do what you're fucking told from now on or things will get a lot fucking worse" echoing over and over in my head was the breaking point. It was get out or die; I'm a survivor, I got out.

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  44. Blimey what happened there? Must be the weather getting to me. Soz for repeating myself - myself - myself............

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  45. I had stage 3 breast cancer 12 years ago. I went through the strongest chemo available and then had a radical mastectomy and reconstruction on the same day. Basically, my whole torso was cut apart and rearranged. It was brutal. While I was recovering from that and doing radiation treatments, my sisters and brother had a come to Jesus intervention dinner for me. We sat out on the patio of a restaurant so that they could all smoke (I don't, never have). They told me everything that they thought I was doing wrong and that they felt that I gave myself cancer. Even while it was happening, I knew that the reason was they were afraid of the cancer. If they could name the reason I had it, they felt like they could avoid it. Still, it more than effectively destroyed the relationship that I had with any of them. I love them, but I can't have them in my life. We almost never talk anymore.

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I love comments and will now try very hard to reply to all of them
Please dont be abusive x