Saturday, 22 September 2012

Sod Off Autumn

My armchair bathed in sunshine this morning
Now let it be known to the great and the good that I kind of detest autumn.
I wish I could be a better person like
FrugalLivingUK who merrily skips into the third season like Julie Andrews kicking her habit skirts, but I can't!!!!!!!!!!
Don't get me wrong, I don't dislike days like today,( for it is an uncharacteristically warm and sunny Saturday), no, not at all.but I do, in general dislike autumn....and I shall tell you for why!

1. Come the end of September the zombie hordes that are the common local species of spider creep their terrifying creep into every recess of the old cottage. It's enough to make even the likes of David Attenborough go weak at the knees I can tell you!
Even today, armed with the dyson's trusty extension hose, I have already sucked up a dozen or so of the hairy fat bastards from the white painted ceiling beams of the living room.One was THAT big, that he managed to hold on at the nozzle end for a considerable and rather admirable 30 seconds before up he shot like ....well...like a spider up a hoover.
Creepy, crawlies.....I hate 'em
2. Autumn means wet kitchen floors, muddy boots and pet paw marks on everything that isn't nailed down
3. It means soddin' Christmas decorations for sale at the shops
4.And it means cold damp short days, which upset the hens more than a fox with attitude.
5. Autumn means weak, ineffectual sunshine, it means the return of chilblains, and it heralds the return of my wind chapped red cheeks that will stay will me until April next year.
6. Autumn means strengthening winds, piles of dirty leaves knee deep behind the cottage door and cold wet mud wherever you go. The countryside can be a bloody depressing place when it is constantly wet....I never really have subscribed the phrase "isn't it a lovely view" when freezing rain is lashing down onto freezing mud!

okok there ARE nice things in autumn which I can appreciate.... there's no guilt when I sneak to the cinema on a particularly awful midweek afternoon....and there's soup... thick, hot "fat bastard" soup......but that's about it for me I'm afraid.................... give me a proper hot, old fashioned , 1976 summer any day......
whatever one of those is?
I have forgotten

63 comments:

  1. Well that made a refreshing change from the 'season of mists and mellow fruitfulness' posts.

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    1. and I didnt even have rant about all that "collecting fruit" shite either!

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    2. My thoughts exactly! :)
      I have just sat and trawled through a variety of blog posts along those lines and had to laugh when I read John's title - says it all!

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  2. Ohhh I love autumn. I think its my favorite season. On the way to Aberystwyth yesterday some of gardens put me to shame with the displays of dahlias & chrysanthemums. I also get the great big fat hairy spiders. Though I pick mine up & chuck them back outside. Seed catalogs & Christmas decorations here I come.

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    1. I know I should be a better person x

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  3. Spiders only in the Fall? I suck them up Year round at my house, having gotten a few Daddy Longlegs already this morning. Okay I will give you all those pluses on the downside of Fall, but when it is a dry, crisp and warm Fall, they are my fav ...wet and forever damp doesn't turn my crank either. Give me Summer all year round I think I could be content should it not be humid. The dew is so heavy, Bandit's tracks are forever on the floors I give up ! Love your cozy nook btw John, very inviting should I win the Lottery and come a visiting. Ha !

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  4. Against 'wind chapped cheeks' may I recommend Cavalry Twill trousers!

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  5. i know it's autumn because we found the back half of a mouse in one of the cats' litter boxes this morning. (It hadn't been on a journey through the cat's digestive tract; it had been dropped there. I guess only the front half was tasty!) Anyway, the mice are moving indoors. WInter's on the way!

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  6. Move to Costa Rica....just one month of heavy rain, warmth all the year round...no need for cavalry twill.

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  7. BAH HUMBUG! Mind you, maybe I will actually change my mind after my first countryside Autumn. I am dogsitting two lovely dogs this weekend and have already experienced many many muddy footprints. Now about that image of me as Julie Andrews.......

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    1. I could see you more in the mother superior role

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    2. I always fancied being Capt Von Crap myself, I do a lovely edelweiss.

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    3. christopher plummer
      what a dish!

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  8. In Louisiana, fall means the temp finally drops out of the 90/100's and the hurricane season is winding down. We can all crawl out of our air conditioned houses and DO things that would have given us heatstroke a few weeks ago. But, I see your side.

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  9. Ok I'm commenting. Been reading your blog for a month or so now and I'm hooked. Why comment now? I can relate. First of all....the summer of 76. Aahhh I just graduated high school, I had long blonde hair, was skinny, turned 18 that June and had the whole world to conquer. Spiders...I just swept up a dozen of them in the basement that I am getting ready to move into. I am going to say it out loud I LOVE SUMMER!

    Cindy Bee

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    1. welcome aboard dear heart!

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  10. You need to come to Canada John the Dogs/Chickens!
    Crisp morning...still warmth in the sunshine...everything smelling of apples and late-season peaches...leaf colours to blow you mind...it couldn't be more beautiful. Although I am with you with the Christmas Decoratons!

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    1. invite me and I will come and visit xx

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  11. Ok I'm commenting. Been reading your blog for a month or so now and I'm hooked. Why comment now? I can relate. First of all....the summer of 76. Aahhh I just graduated high school, I had long blonde hair, was skinny, turned 18 that June and had the whole world to conquer. Spiders...I just swept up a dozen of them in the basement that I am getting ready to move into. I am going to say it out loud I LOVE SUMMER!

    Cindy Bee

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  12. Is this a touch of the post holiday blues ? I hope the autumn sun shines for you x
    Don't mind spiders now - learned to live with 'em.

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  13. Damp,cold,grey...cold rain dripping off rotting leaves. Going downhill to winter...just shoot me now.
    Jane x

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  14. I've learned to live with spiders, and I have decided that seeing them isn't the problem, its when they disappear that it becomes one....

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  15. Hehehehehe - laughing out loud at hoovering the spiders.
    Well, at least you make autumn sound fun!
    Me, it's my favourite time of the year. Bugs and tourists are gone, trees are brilliant and it's not hot as bloody hell outside.
    (We do most of our bug hoovering and muddying about in the spring here – not my favourite season at all for the same reasons you hate fall. Obviously we need to spend fall here and spring at your house. See you in April!)

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  16. I'm with you, John. Or, at least I used to be. I hated Autumn mostly because of the shortening of the days and the heralding of a long, gray, frigid winter with snow measured in feet.

    Then I moved south. Now it's my second favorite season. Of course, it's much drier here than in Wales. I'm also thinking your soggy mess of a summer has upped your typical Autumn Dread. Maybe next year you should schedule your Spanish holidays for October!

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  17. I guess it's all in where you live? Like 'it's me' I can't wait until the temps drop below 90, the scorpions hibernate and I can leave the AC to do outside work. Farmers Almanac predicts a wet Fall, so I may change my tune (although we can REALLY use the wet).

    Janet

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  18. Tight git you could have given big spider chops a reprieve for his efforts against the Dyson... Hope his baby spider sons crawl into your bed on a dark evening, give you a dab in the neck and truss you up good and proper. On a different note yes the dark nights are shite aren't they

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  19. Hi John,

    I believe the big spider you sucked up was probably a Tegenaria gigantea - or common house spider. They are sooooo cute & can live up to three years so you can get to know your own house spider; it's job is to patrol your house and keep it neat and tidily free of flies etc - think Mrs Danvers from Rebecca - hence its air of self possession as you hear it march across the kitchen floor late at night, looking for unwary invertebrate intruders. Outside the most common ones you'll probably see are the gorgeous orb weavers - these are more your burlesque ladies with black and white striped legs and intricately decorated bodies reminiscent of embroidered corsets.
    Yeah I have to admit I'm a bit of an arachnogeek but spiders are one of the joys of autumn for me. So I'm pleading that you evict them gently with a glass and piece of paper and not the arachn-horror that is the dyson.

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  20. Autumn fills me with sadness....there will be no more coffee on the porch until May (if then)...sigh.

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  21. Pull yourself together, man! It's just autumn! I thought the UK had a miserable summer?
    Now, think of all those good hearty soups you mentioned.....that's one of the pluses of fall/winter.

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    1. I need a big slap jim, I know x

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  22. I was feeling a little bad about responding to a lovely autumnal scene on another blog with an unsympathetic reminder that it really is the wet rainy season before winter. I posted quickly so I couldn't relent. You remarks were the very next, and made me feel much better about myself.

    My ten year old granddaughter, reading over my shoulder, admired your George, and then wanted to know where Trelaynyd is. She know knows there is a country named Wales. She's almighty inquisitive.

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  23. and to the rest of you..I think its just a case of "going back to school"
    I am working tonight x

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  24. Ah, John, that was depressing as hell... and I thought I was bad. I do agree with you about the spiders, they give me the willies. Of course our autumn comes a little later than yours, give me another month and I will be grumbling right along w/ya!

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  25. I agree, autumn is dark and cold and depressing, I just want to hibernate until the spring. And I hate having to use artificial lighting which is so inferior in every way to natural daylight. But it's a good excuse to settle down with a good movie and a large glass of wine or three.

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  26. All those Autumn things you hate are crap for you.....but the world is still turning and you are still warm and walking..breathe and smile x

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  27. What about the beauty of red and gold trees and the cosiness of your log fire to come home to? . . . No?
    Never mind, it'll soon be winter ;-)

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  28. I must say that armchair looks very inviting! I'm glad we don't have giant hairy spiders here looking for homes! The wee mice do try to get into the house though and I've heard them squeaking in my barn.

    Maybe you need to try to grow a nice, thick winter coat like I do. It's so warm and soft and people would like to give you hugs all the time! Wouldn't that be lovely? Tee hee.

    I do love you, John, even when you are morose. xoxoxoxoxo

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  29. Suck up all my corner spiders? Then who will eat all the moths? Circle of life here.... *sigh*

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  30. I'm with you, John. Autumn is the beginning of Winter and the only Winter I care to like is Jonathon but, he has an 's' on the end, eh?
    Frozen winds, ground and car doors are not my cuppa tea and I don't even like tea.
    I would enjoy a 1976 summer day. To be young and frolick in the hay fields and race in the streets on a Saturday night.

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  31. I had to scrape a thick layer of frost off the car this morning. Thick frost in September! It's going to be a long time til Spring :(

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  32. I don't know if it would work for you but I put cedarwood mothbally things in each corner of windows and have not been bothered with spiders at all last year. Before that I used to use conkers, my family think I am a complete fruitcake but spiders we had none! The mothbally cedarwood thingies are found in the laundry section of the likes of Dunelm Mill/Wilkinson type shops, couple of quid. (Found a little spider in my bed and realised i slept with it last night yaaaaargh. Gonna put my balls in the window corners now. ssh i like autumn it means i can watch telly in the afternoon and not feel guilty, we have posh neighbours, who can see what I am watching thru window so i make sure its Big Brother (they hate me).
    Susan (still no x as it's too soon,

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  33. Creepy, crawlies.....I hate 'em
    That makes another of us, John. I can't stand them, either!

    I do like the soup though!

    Have a good Sunday, John!

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  34. . . . . and don't forget that as the days get shorter, we're getting up in the dark and then it's dark again so early - here it's about 7:30pm now (I can't even think forward to dark by 5!!). YUK

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    1. indeed anne
      thank you for commenting xx

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  35. I like Autumn. I like rain too, as we never, ever get enough. And I collect my spiders in the dustpan and take them outside. My smaller portion drowns them in insect spray (or any other aerosol).

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  36. here it's cluster flies that are dopey big house flies and ladybugs, which are actually Asian beetles that bite....give me a spider any day!!

    Gill

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  37. John can I comment on an earlier post 'flannel over the face' I think. I read that the same day my MiL had fallen in the hospital room bathroom injuring herself badly during the night because she didn't want the male carer to come back and clean her 'bits' after using the loo (I won't use her words because she has vascular dementia and is using crude and racist and very shocking language which breaks my heart because she was always a lovely lady and a second mum to me) - the male nurse is Afro-Caribbean. I am shocked because it is a MALE carer, at night, dealing with elderly ladies, there are no male nurses or carers during the day and it is a female ward. We had thought she had imagined the event (the toiletting by that particular carer when speaking of it the previous week). Her vascular dementia has rapidly advanced in the 12 weeks she has been in hospital - this was diagnosed within the first 48 hours (There are reasons I won't go into now but PALS is being involved as a two week stay was only originally envisaged). Anyway, your story of the lovely lady and her dignity really struck a chord on that day as I feel that this ward and this hospital is not dealing with my mum-in-law's dignity as you did that day.
    Susan (being serious for a change)

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    1. susan
      ring the ward sister and make a point for your MIL's care plan to be ammended to say that whenever possible ONLY FEMALE STAFF TO ATTEND TO PERSOANL CARES.
      generally as a manager it is fairly easy to ahere to this wish......only very occassionally did I have to intervene with female care.
      best
      xxx

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    2. Thank you for replying, I appreciate it. My prob is that I am only an 'outlaw' as we are laughingly called (you know, not blood, only married in - my hubs family are like the royals - if you're blood you can do no wrong, if you're married you can do no right lol) and have no say or, when i do express an opinion, get 'the look' *shiver*. Have taken many steps back and just give hugs and kisses to dear ma and pa in law and keep schtum, tho will tell hubby to make that clear to the staff. Thanks again.
      Susan (cheering up somewhat)

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  38. For me, it's Sod off Winter! I hate it so much, I can't enjoy Autumn because it's next!!!

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  39. Sounds like a visit Downunder is in order. Spring, Autumn and Winter are delightful here in Queensland. It's heading for 27C today and has been all week- delightful. Just stay away from Christmas till March.
    As for spiders. Don't talk to Aussies about spiders!!You know we can do creepy crawlies bigger and better than most. Hate em... that's why we have Geckos( lizards )!
    cheers

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  40. THAT chair is the epitomy of COSY!

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  41. You might not want to read my latest post, ha.

    As others have said that little sitting are looks totally warm, cozy and inviting. A great area to "shelter in place" during Autumn. :-)

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  42. While I try to fathom how one can "kind of" detest something... I will ask: how do you feel about winter, then? ;)

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  43. Henceforth I shall report you to the RSPCS (Royal Society for the Protection of Spiders). I mean, how would you like to be sucked into a vacuum nozzle?...Err, excuse me if you like that kind of thing. SOLIDARITY WITH BRITISH SPIDERS!

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  44. Thank you for giving me the best laugh in ages!Having to share my house with two fully grown men,who happen to be scared ****less of spiders I read this out to them,we laughed till we cried!!more of the same please

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    1. I am with your men! one glimpse of a hairy leg and I am off"

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  45. oh jeez, I was laughing already til I read about 'fat bastard' soup...forever more to be christened so in our house now! ah, me poor sides..
    BH x

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  46. I wouldn't mind a hot, old-fashioned 1976 summer day. I had just graduated and spent most of the summer not working and wandering around Italy. On someone else's money! Ah, the good old days!

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